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The rest of the tour went by in a blur. Not a single detail of it stuck in my memory; all I could say for sure was that somehow I had survived it. The day and a half wait to hear if Zac would live and be okay had seemed to last forever. Now that I knew he was fine physically if not mentally or emotionally, time seemed to go into warp drive… bringing me right back to New York, where I knew eventually I would have stop ignoring him and someday face him again.
I took a few days off to just sleep and recover from the tour, and Joey was fine with that. Even with all of my other career moves, it seemed I was always going to go right back to Sit and Spin; more than any other place, it was my home. And I couldn’t stay away from home for that long. Once I felt somewhat recovered and ready to face the world again, I gave Joey a call and he put me back on the schedule.
My heart actually fluttered when I opened the door to the record store and heard the familiar tinkle of the bell. Definitely home. My heart fluttered again when I actually glanced around me and saw Tobias, Joey and not one, not two, but three members of the Hanson family—Avery, Taylor… and Zac.
“What the hell?” I blurted out, instinctively pulling Layla closer to my chest.
“You really do curse a lot in front of the baby,” Avery said, giggling a little.
“Is that really the biggest problem here right now?” I shot back. Not even bothering to look his way or address him personally, I nodded toward Zac and asked, “What is he doing here?”
“He wanted to see you. And his—my—daughter,” Zac replied. He took a step toward me and I took a step back. “Would you stop being so fucking melodramatic and ridiculous? I am not dangerous, Colby.”
“Really? Aren’t you? Or did I just imagine you driving drunk?”
He reached out and grabbed my elbow almost forcefully. “Can we not do this in the middle of the store? In the middle of your welcome home party?”
“Is that… is that what this is?”
“Yup,” Tobias replied. “And a little bit mine, too, but you’re the star of the show. And well… when Zac stopped by all on his own to see if you were back yet, I may have invited him. Sorry.”
“We’ll deal with that later,” I replied, giving Tobias a quick glare. My anger was fading quickly, though, and when I turned back to Zac, all I could do was sigh. “Okay. Fine. We can go in the back. And umm… thanks for the party, guys.”
I wriggled free of Zac’s grasp, but led him into the back room, handing Layla off to Avery along the way. Just a few months ago, I had stood in that room and asked Taylor if he thought Zac had a drinking problem. Now I stood in it with Zac, and looked him over for the first time. He looked like hell. There were freshly healed cuts on his face, a few faded greenish bruises and heavy bags under his eyes. He stood stiffly, no doubt still feeling those bruised ribs, and I could only imagine what he looked like under his clothes. And his wrist… his left wrist was enclosed in a thick blue cast. How had I missed that? In spite of myself, I felt a few tears welling up in my eyes, and I blinked them away.
“Colby,” Zac said softly. “I’m sorry…. I know our last phone call didn’t go that well.”
“And it took you two weeks, almost three, to figure that out?”
“No,” he replied. “Well, kind of. I’ll admit, I was really pissed at you. Everybody else was doting on me, and you just… weren’t. No, there you were, blaming me and yelling at me and—”
I held a hand up to stop him. “It was your fault, Zac. In case you’ve forgotten, a drunk driver killed my parents, so it’s really, really hard for me to have any sympathy for what you did to yourself. I’m only glad it was you and not someone else’s family. But it could have been my family again, Zac. You could have killed someone, yourself or both… and it’s like you don’t even care.”
“I do care,” Zac said. He paused and rubbed his cast. I wondered if it itched or if he felt some sort of phantom pain. Still holding his wrist, he continued, “You’re right, Colby. And once I remembered what happened to your parents… well, I understood why you don’t have patience or sympathy for me. And you shouldn’t. Nobody should.”
“But being too harsh with you isn’t fixing anything either,” I replied.
Zac shrugged. “I don’t know what would fix things. Nothing that you or anyone else can do. No one but me.”
“So what are you saying?” I asked. I wanted to ask if he had finally realized I was right, but I didn’t dare push him too far.
“I’m saying that… look, do you know how badly I fucked up my wrist, Colbs? I don’t even know… I mean, the doctors are all so fucking peppy and positive all the time, so who knows if they’re lying to me, you know? They just keep talking about all this rehab and recovery time and how we just have to take it a day at a time. I know what they mean, Colby. They don’t know if I’ll be able to play again. Or if I can, will it be the same? And it’s my left hand, you know? I made a point of learning to drum left handed, I set my kit up to favor that hand… what if I have to switch it around and learn it all over again? Assuming I even get the strength and flexibility back to play at all.”
I stared blankly at him. I had known, of course, that a wrist injury was bad for a drummer. But seeing Zac there, all sad eyes and cracking voice, telling me that he might not play again… I teared up again and this time I didn’t try to fight it.
“This is my life, you know?” Zac said. “I mean, my music. And yeah, I’ve got you… and the kids… and you guys are my life, too, but what the hell am I supposed to do to support you if I can’t play?”
“Because your monetary support is all that matters?” I asked, trying to be as gentle as possible.
“No, but… what if you couldn’t sing anymore? Or play your violin? You wouldn’t be you, Colby. And I won’t be me if I’m not a drummer.”
“You will be,” I replied. “You’ll be Zac. Father of my child. Snarky bastard.”
“Alcoholic,” he added.
“I didn’t say that.”
“Not this time,” he replied. “But you said it before, and the longer I laid in that bad, listening to that stupid heart monitor and not getting up to piss… I realized you were right. Why did I even get drunk that day? I didn’t have a reason. Sure, I use it was a coping mechanism, too, and I’m not wrong that a lot of people do. But I can turn anything into a reason to get drunk. And that day… I don’t know, I think it was missing you or not wanting to get out of bed so early and being pissy or… just nothing at all. And that’s when you know you have a problem, isn’t it? When you get drunk just to stay drunk. Just to not be sober.”
Not knowing what else to do, I stepped in and wrapped my arms around Zac—loosely, because I was sure he still ached. He gave a soft groan, but enclosed me in his arms, too. For a long time, we just stood there like that, just holding each other. I wasn’t really even sure which one of us was holding the other one up. Maybe we were holding each other up. Maybe it didn’t matter.
Finally, Zac mumbled into my hair, “I do have a problem, Colbs. I think… I think you’re right. I’m an alcoholic.”
I leaned up and kissed his cheek. “And that doesn’t take the responsibility for what you did away from you… but it is a disease, you know. So I guess I’m saying, just… just don’t beat yourself up.”
“I think I did that already, actually,” he joked, pointing to the slightly swollen and greenish-pinkish bruise under his right eye.
I laughed a little in spite of myself. “You do kinda look like hell.”
“And you look beautiful,” Zac replied. “Did you get prettier while I was gone or did I just learn to appreciate you more?”
“Both?” I suggested, grinning.
“God, I love you, Colby,” Zac said, pulling me closer to him again and kissing the top of my head. “You don’t put up with my shit, and I think I need that. I really do.”
“I could probably say the same about you.”
“Maybe,” he replied, then pulled back and gave me a serious look. “So, listen, I’m… I’m going into rehab in a couple days. Tuesday, actually. I think I really need to do this.”
“Really? I mean, I think you need to, I guess I just… I didn’t think you would think so.”
Zac nodded. “I mean, I know a lot of people are worse than I am, but it just felt like everything was slipping away from me… you, Layla, even my music, my career, my whole life. And I can’t blame anyone but myself… and my drinking. So I do think I need to do this.”
“Okay,” I said. “I notice one thing missing from your list, though.”
“Kate?” Zac asked, and I nodded. “The divorce is going to be finalized two days after I go into rehab. You’d have known that already if we’d talked more lately… even before the wreck.”
“I’m sorry.” I ducked my head. “I guess I was kind of a bitch about it all. It was just hard to believe you weren’t just doing it because you thought I wanted it and not because it was what you wanted.”
“What I want is to be with you and be happy and not feel like I have to drink to drown all the memories and mistakes.”
I smiled. “Then I think… I think once you’re out of rehab and you’re clean… you can have all the rest of that.”
“Yeah?” Zac asked, his eyes wide and full of hope. “You think… I’m not gonna ask you to promise me anything, Colbs. You never asked anything like that of me. But you know you just gave me another reason to work really hard while I’m gone, right?”
“Whatever you need to stay motivated,” I replied.
“I think right now I need to go back out and join the party. And so do you, since you’re the guest of honor.”
He held his good hand out to me, and I accepted it. Hand in hand, we walked back out into the store. Once we were out from behind the counter and everyone saw our joined hands, it seemed like all eyes were on us. I just smiled and rolled my eyes. We hadn’t made any big declarations or plans about our relationship, but we had without a doubt turned a corner.
What was around that corner… I didn’t quite know yet. It could be bad. It could be good. It could be the same cycle all over again. But at least for the time being, it was a change.