Say You’ll Stay
Lie to me
I don’t want to know your history
I don’t want to know a single thing
Please lie to me
“Sources say Zac Hanson is still in the hospital recovering from his accident on Tuesday, but he has regained consciousness. Fans have gathered outside the hospital, St. Victor’s in Bridgeport, Connecticut, but the band is still declining interviews and has not actually been seen by any of the fans gathered outside.”
I groaned. Even in the coffee shop near the venue in Charlotte, I couldn’t get away from Zac. The television near the counter where I was waiting for my latte was tuned to E! and they were once again gossiping about Zac. Some celebrity commentator was speculating on whether or not the fact that alcohol played a role in the crash meant that Zac had a problem. Another suggested that he was actually being held in the hospital for treatment not for his injuries, but for his alcohol addiction.
Thankfully, I had been in contact with Avery every day and I knew the truth. And the truth was that Zac still hadn’t woken up for more than a few minutes, long enough for it to be clear that his alcohol level was still dangerously high and he was in no condition to be released. His body had too much to fight, with bruised ribs, blood loss and more that even a day and a half later, he was still legally drunk.
He was going to survive, at least, but if he did so without any permanent damage, it would be a miracle.
When the barista finally called my name, I grabbed my drink quickly and scurried out of the shop. I didn’t need to hear any more of the stupid gossip. I wasn’t sure how I had held myself together over the last day and a half, but hearing some stupid talking heads discussing whether the father of my child was going to live or die was definitely enough to push me into a full on breakdown.
I hurried back to the venue, knowing I didn’t have long until my soundcheck. When I toured with Hanson, I tended to find back alleys and pathways around the venues where all the assembled fans might not notice me—it didn’t take them long to figure out I was on the tour and start asking me to deliver things to the guys. But this tour wasn’t about me at all, and I felt like basically an unknown, so I didn’t take those precautions.
I should have.
As I rounded the corner by the venue, I could see that the line for the show had grown quite a bit since I had left to get my drink. In fact, it stretched almost all the way to the corner, and several of the girls—although the crowd was more mixed than Hanson’s—seemed very interested in me. I smiled politely, but tried not to draw attention to myself. I made it all the way to the venue’s door before a few girls near the front of the line called out to me by name.
“Hey, Colby!” A girl cried out. “You’re Colby, right?”
I nodded dumbly, too surprised to even process or comment on how silly of a question that was.
“Well, it’s just, we know you were—I mean, that you know the guys. Hanson. And umm, well… we just wanted to see if you had heard any news about Zac? Besides what they’re saying on tv?”
I shook my head. “No, I… I mean, yes. I do—know him. But all I can tell you is the same as they’ve said on the news. I don’t think the band would want me as their spokesperson.”
“Can you just make sure they know all of us fans are thinking of him right now and praying for him?” Another girl chimed in to ask.
“I—yeah, I can do that,” I stuttered out.
The girls all thanked me profusely, but I had a feeling one or two of them wanted to continue the conversation. One in particular eyed me closely, and I was sure she didn’t feel so positively about my connection to the band.
I didn’t stick around long enough to find out. I thanked them for their prayers, then scurried off, assuring them that I had to get back to work. It wasn’t a lie. I was coming very close to being late for my soundcheck—a soundcheck that I wasn’t sure I was going to get through without crying, since all of my songs were about Zac and he had just been pushed right back to the forefront of my mind.
Say you’ll stay
Even if you plan to go away
I know you’ll come back another day
Please lie to me
Check all of the above
I’m deaf, dumb, and blindly in love
I just can’t get enough
Please lie to me
When I finally escaped from those girls and walked back into the venue, I was in a daze. I kept my head down and ignored everyone around me. Without thinking about what I was doing, I headed straight for the first private bathroom I found and locked myself into it.
And I cried.
I knew Zac’s chances of survival were better than they had been. I knew that he most likely was going to be fine. What I didn’t know was where we would or could go from there. I had left him on a bad note, and I hadn’t forgotten that. But my feelings for him hadn’t changed. If anything, knowing that I might lose him had made them grow. But his feelings for me? In spite of the few good words he’d had for me, I really didn’t know how he felt. His feelings seemed to always be in flux, dictated by his mood and sobriety at any given time.
And I wondered if he even realized that…
This should have been a wake up call, shouldn’t it? I had wished and hoped for him to have one, like I had discussed with Taylor. At the time, I had no clue what that might look like. All I knew was that something had to give. I hadn’t wanted it to be this. But what could be a stronger sign than a near death experience? If this was the push he needed… it was almost worth it.
I didn’t know how long I had been in the bathroom, lost in my thoughts when I heard a knock at the door, followed shortly by Monty’s voice. “Colby? Are you in there?”
“Yeah,” I replied, the word coming out more like a hiccup.
“And do you think you’ll be out any time soon?”
Somewhat muffled, presumably farther away, I heard Declan say, “Tell her we can switch our soundchecks around if she’s not feeling well!”
“Did you catch that?” Monty asked.
“I did,” I replied, standing up and walking the short distance to the door so I didn’t feel like I needed to yell. “It’s not that I’m not… I mean, physically I’m fine.”
“I know,” Montana said softly. “I know, sweetheart. But your phone is ringing, so… I haven’t looked at it, so I don’t know who’s calling, but I imagine it’s probably important.”
Make me believe
I’m the only one you’ve ever loved
I’m the only one you’ll ever touch
Please lie to me
And say you’ll stay
Even if you plan to go away
I know you’ll come back another day
Please lie to me
My heart skipped a beat. That was such a cliché phrase, but it was exactly what had happened. I could feel it. The phone call had to be someone in the Hanson family. It had to be news about Zac. Whether it was good or bad news… well, it was in my nature to assume the worst.
Still reluctant to face anyone outside the bathroom, I scurried out with my head down and found my phone in the purse I had abandoned along my way. It wasn’t ringing, but I could see that there was a call. The number wasn’t one I had programmed into my phone and I didn’t recognize the area code. Still, it had to be related to Zac, somehow. With shaky hands, I dialed the number back and hurried back to the bathroom while it rang.
“Hello?” A weak, hoarse voice that I immediately recognized answered.
“Zac… I… you’re awake,” I stuttered out, feeling like an idiot for not being any more articulate than that.
“That’s what they tell me,” he replied. “They also tell me they’ve been keeping in touch with you. And by they I mean my lovely brother and sister Taylor and Avery.”
“They have been,” I admitted.
“So you know what I did.”
I nodded dumbly, then realized he couldn’t see me. “Yes. Yeah. What happened, Zac? I mean… what the hell were you thinking?”
So much for not being angry with him. My anger had seemed to fade quickly, replaced with only concern for his health. But as soon as I heard his voice, and the casual way he talked, that anger came bubbling back the surface.
“Colby, it was an accident—” He began, but I cut him off.
“No,” I said. “No. You chose to drink and drive. Whatever happened after that was your fault, one hundred percent. You don’t walk into a crowded room, swinging a machete and then say it’s an accident when you chop someone’s head off.”
“That’s a horrible analogy.”
“Whatever. The point is, you are old enough and smart enough to know better, damn it.”
After a moment’s pause, he said softly, “I know. I know, Colby.”
“Do you really?” I knew I was being rough on him, but I couldn’t stop myself.
“I’m the one laying in a hospital bed with my hand on a cast and ribs so bruised that every breath I take hurts. So yes, Colby. I know. Now, since you’re so smart, can you remind me why I called you?”
“I really, really don’t know, Zac.” I shifted the phone to my other ear and picked up my long forgotten green tea. “But I have a soundcheck to do.”
“Must be nice,” he mumbled.
“Whatever.” I sighed. “I’m going to go. But honestly, Zac… I’m glad you’re awake. I’m glad you’re fucking alive. You know what it’s like to be you right now, but you’ll never know what it’s like to love you. I wish you did.”
“Yeah, well,” Zac mumbled. “Have a good show.”
His voice was so monotone that I was fairly certain he didn’t mean it, and he obviously had no interest in anything else I had said to him. So that was it. That was the end of the conversation… and maybe the end of us.
“Goodbye, Zac.”
He didn’t reply.
Check all of the above
I’m deaf, dumb, and blindly in love
I just can’t get enough
Please lie to me
Check all of the above
Everything’s not black and white
I’m in between the dark and light
So lie to me
Somehow, I made it through soundcheck, although it was a blur. I ignored everyone around me as much as possible, feeling like I was in a daze. I had been so worried about Zac, but it seemed like I didn’t need to be. He was convinced he was just fine, and wasn’t going to see reason.
So much for a wake up call.
When it was finally time for me to go onstage, I felt my worst stage fright of the whole tour, perhaps of my entire life. It occurred to me, after talking to those fans earlier, that they all knew who I was. Everyone knew who I was and my connection to Zac. They could probably even see that all of my songs were about him. Did he see it too? Probably not. And he was the only person who needed to.
“Hey,” Tobias said softly, nudging me toward the stage. “Everything okay?”
“Nothing’s okay,” I mumbled.
“You get to play a concert to a sold out audience who I guarantee will be hanging on your every word. What could be wrong?”
“Yeah, they’ll be hanging on, trying to figure out which parts are about Zac Hanson. You know, father of my child? Alcoholic asshole who doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal that he nearly killed himself? That guy?”
Tobias leaned against me. “Look, I get it. I know it’s depressing, but… what can you do about it from here? Nothing. But what you can do is go out there and put on a good show. We’ll be home in two weeks and then you can worry about the rest.”
I wasn’t sure that it was sound advice, but it was the best that I had right then. I took a deep breath, then stepped out onto the stage, prepared to sing like my life depended on it. I only wished that Zac could hear me.
Check all of the above
All of the above
Please lie to me
Check all of the above
If everything’s not Xs and Os
I’d rather never know
Please lie to me
Check all of the above
All of the above
Please lie to me