Out of Lullabies
Spin your body around
Now your feet are gonna hit the ground
I am going sleepless and you’re out of lullabies
The finer points of touring had been lost on me, dulled and soured by the memories of falling for Zac. But touring was fun, and it didn’t take me long to remember that. It only took two or three shows for a grin to find its way onto my face and become a permanent fixture. We started in Florida, and by the time we made it to Myrtle Beach, I couldn’t imagine anywhere else I would have wanted to be.
We were backstage at the House of Blues, hours before the show was set to start. Tobias and I had done our soundcheck already, and through the walls I could just barely hear Loveless warming up for theirs.
I hadn’t known their music well before the tour, but I had binged on it in the days and weeks leading up to it and I found that I really liked them. I really liked them as people too; I hadn’t gotten to know the rest of the band all that well, but Monty and Declan were so kind to me and had the sort of perfect little family I didn’t see myself ever having. Monty did everything she could to make me comfortable on their bus and seemed to genuinely enjoy spending time with me.
We had taken over the green room, spreading baby blankets out on the floor and letting our kids play together. Atticus, her and Declan’s son, was a little older than Layla but they got along well and he was smart enough to know he had to be gentle with her since she was younger and smaller. While they played, Monty and I chatted, and I tried to steer the conversation toward the sort of questions I had been wanting to ask her for days.
“So, umm, this is kind of a big, vague question, but… how do you do it? Touring and everything, I mean.”
Monty gave me a smile. “Well, from a business point of view, it helps that I was in the business first. I had my career, and people respect me for that. They know that if they want to get to the band, they have to go through me.”
I nodded. That was a simple, obvious answer, but it didn’t get to the heart of the issues I had.
“From a personal point of view,” she continued, “I’ve been around since the band was just getting attention, so the fans have had a while to get to know me. I’m not saying they all like me, but it’s not so bad. That said, there was definitely a time that I was about as popular as Taylor Swift was with Harry Styles fans… or Zac Hanson’s wife with his fans.”
I blanched, and Monty just gave me another smile.
“I’m sure you googled us. Well, I googled you, too.” Still smiling, she added, “Don’t worry. I’m not going to judge you for any of that. And I’m not even upset that you didn’t mention any of that when you said you needed to bring your daughter on tour. Although I do understand now why you keep insisting that Tobias isn’t your boyfriend.”
Honey, honey, honey you’re the death of me
Won’t stop holding my hands down
Baby, baby, baby you’ll never let me
You’ve got a dark heart
You’ve got a cold kiss
You want my love, my love, my love
You want my love
I didn’t know what to say. I did feel like I had betrayed her in a way, and I didn’t know the words to say to fix that. After a moment, I lifted my head and nodded. “Yeah. I did… well, you’ve read all the rumors, I guess. I did tour with Hanson, and I did… have an affair with Zac. And Layla is his daughter.”
“But you two aren’t together now?” She asked gently.
“No,” I shook my head. “I’m not even speaking to him right now. It’s all just a big mess. I don’t know what he wants from me, and sometimes I don’t think even he knows. He’s supposedly getting a divorce, but even that turned into a big fight.”
Our conversation was interrupted by the hiccup-y cries that always proceeded one of Layla’s truly loud tantrums. My head snapped around to face her and see what the problem was, and I saw that Atticus had wobbled off with one of her toys, holding it just out of her reach.
“Atticus!” Montana scolded, but he seemed oblivious.
To my utter surprise, Layla pulled herself up onto her feet and wobbled unsteadily toward him, snatching the stuffed elephant right out of his hands. She immediately collapsed onto the spot where she had stood, clutching the toy close to her chest.
“Well, she showed him, didn’t she?” Monty laughed.
“That was… those were her first steps,” I breathed out. With shaky hands, I pulled out my phone, opened the camera and set it to video. “Layla. You wanna do that for Mommy again? Come here, baby girl.”
With a little more encouragement and cooing from both myself and Montana, Layla finally pulled herself back to her feet, elephant still clutched tightly in her hand, and took a few shaky steps toward me. My camera was on the whole time, capturing it all right up to the moment when Layla plopped down in my lap.
I didn’t even think about my next step before I did it. I flipped through my contacts until I found Zac, and I texted him the video. There were no accompanying words, but I thought he would understand the significance anyway.
“I think I’ve made a big mistake,” I mumbled as I watched the video transfer to the man I wasn’t even speaking to.
“Mama!” Layla cried out, and I wasn’t sure if she was agreeing or disagreeing with me.
Either way, I lowered my head and kissed her on the top of hers. She wrapped her tiny arms around me, as though she really had any clue what was going on. Seconds later, the phone I was still holding in my hand began to ring, and I didn’t even need to look at the screen to know who was calling.
“I, umm, I should probably take this…” I muttered, plucking Layla off my lap and handing her to Montana. “Can you watch her for a sec?”
“Of course,” she replied.
I hurried out of the room, swiping the screen to answer my phone as I went. “Hello?”
“Was that video what I think it was?” Zac asked, sounding almost breathless.
“It was,” I replied. “I just… well, I thought you’d want to know. To see.”
“I do,” he said. There was a long pause before he spoke again. “I wish I could be there. I mean—you know what I mean. To see all her firsts like that. I’ve missed so many of them… with all of my kids, really.”
There was something strange in his voice, and I couldn’t stop myself from asking, “Are you okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I be okay?” He suddenly sounded defensive.
“I don’t know, I just… nevermind. I just wanted you to see that, and you have, so do we really need to talk more?”
“Is that where we are now? You just send me videos and little updates on how she’s doing but you and I can’t even chat civilly?”
“Why do we need to chat?” I asked. “I don’t have anything say to you. And I doubt you have anything to say to me, either. I think you said it all the last time I saw you.”
“So that’s it, then?” Zac asked. “I tell you I love you, I tell you I’m getting divorced… but we’re back to just being co-parents and nothing else?”
“You were the one who wanted it that way in the first place! And you’re the one who acted like the worst thing I could ever do was suggest that you had a problem you might want to get help for. Because god forbid I be worried about you, Zac. But if you’re not worried about you, why should I be?” I was breathless by the time I stopped speaking, and I had to lean against the wall of the random hallway I’d found myself walking down.
Zac heaved a heavy sigh, loud enough to be heard through the phone. “You know, I thought you were reaching out to me. I thought we could make up. Obviously I was wrong.”
“I don’t honestly know why I texted you,” I replied, my voice soft and pitiful sounding. “I just… I just thought you should be able to see that. Regardless of what’s going on between the two of us, you are her father, and I just think you need to remember that.”
“I will never forget that,” he said seriously and soberly—although perhaps the latter wasn’t a good word to use for him. “What do you think I am, Colby? How awful of a human being am I to you?”
I sank to the floor. “I don’t think you’re awful, Zac. This guy who pisses me off and even scares me? This guy I’m worried about? He isn’t you. He isn’t the you I saw when you came to me and told me you loved me. He isn’t the you I see when you’re with Layla. I love you, but I don’t like him. I don’t want you to be him. But I can want all I want—you’re the one who decides what you’re gonna do and who you’re gonna be.”
“I’m the same guy, Colbs,” he said, but his voice wavered ever so slightly. Was I getting through to him? Would it really make a difference if I did?
“Maybe you are,” I conceded. “I don’t know. I don’t know who you are, and you don’t know who I am. I wish we could get along for long enough to get to know each other a little better.”
“I wish we could, too,” he said softly.
I sighed. Tobias rounded the corner and tapped his wrist. I took a quick glance at my phone’s screen and saw that it was definitely getting late. “I hate to end this when it’s actually going pretty well, but I need to get dinner before the show starts. It’s about time to feed Layla, too.”
“Is-is the tour going well?” He asked.
“It is,” I replied, feeling myself smile in spite of myself. “I’d say I’m behaving a lot better than the last time I was on tour, at least. It’s a lot more work, though.”
“But you’re doing a good job, I’m sure,” he said. “Maybe I’ll come see you when the tour rolls back into New York.”
“If you want,” I replied, wondering if he had looked up my music and realized all my songs were about him.
“I do,” Zac replied, and I believed him. There was a brief pause and then he added, “Well, I’ll let you go. Maybe we can talk later, in the next day or so.”
“Maybe,” I said weakly. “Bye, Zac.”
“Bye, Colbs. Love you.”
I didn’t say it back, because I didn’t think I could without my voice breaking or tears welling up in my eyes. I let myself sink the rest of the way into the floor; I knew I had responsibilities to take care of soon, but I needed a moment. Zac had sounded… strange, really. At times, he seemed drunk but at times he sounded like the Zac I really did love, and it all left me more confused than I had ever been before.
Always turning back to you
’til you never let me down
Loving your illusions
Staring at a crooked crown
You always let me down
You always let me down
You always let me down
You want my love, my love, my love
You want my love
Honey, honey, honey you’re the death of me
Honey, honey, honey will you ever see?