In the Dark

Chapter Fifty Six

My Downfall, My Muse

What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You’ve got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind?
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright

It seemed we had come to an unspoken agreement after that kiss and the confessions that followed. Wordlessly, we worked in tandem to clear away the leftovers and put Layla down for a nap. It was a little awkward, because I refused to let Zac haul her crib out into the living room, so we found ourselves back in the kitchen, cracking open a bottle of wine Zac had apparently bought.

“Did you know you were going to have something to celebrate?” I asked as he handed me a glass.

“Am I celebrating?” He grinned.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “I don’t know what it means or changes that we admitted that. So what, we love each other? Are we together? No. Can we be together? No. So what does it matter?”

“I thought you wanted answers, not actions.”

I looked down into my glass, then tilted it back and took a long sip. “I guess. But the answers don’t help as much as I thought they would.”

“Can we just enjoy what we have for now?” Zac asked, setting his glass down and stepping closer to me. “I know it isn’t much. Maybe it’s not really anything. But I’m here, and you’re here, and I just… I just want to enjoy this.”

My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

He leaned in then and pressed his lips to mine. As always, I was powerless to refuse him. I practically melted into his arms, letting him deepen the kiss as he walked me backward until my legs bumped into the back of the couch.

“Are we really doing this?” I mumbled.

“Why not?” He asked. “What more have we got to lose? What difference does it make now?”

“None, I suppose,” I replied.

And that was it. The decision was made. I let him walk me on to the couch, where he eased himself down on top of me, looking just a little like a predator closing in on its prey. It wasn’t like that, though. It had been tawdry the first few times, just because of the circumstances and lack of privacy, but it wasn’t really. And it certainly wasn’t this time.

Zac’s hands danced up and down my sides, creeping under my shirt, as we kissed slowly. I let my legs wrap around him, pulling him even closer to me until we almost felt like one even though we were still dressed. I had missed this. It had been months, and I could still remember every detail of what it felt like to be with Zac, yet it felt so new at the same time.

Unprompted, he pulled back and yanked his own shirt over his head. I did the same with mine, feeling my cheeks heat up irrationally. The last time he had seen me, I was pregnant and as big as a blimp. I certainly wasn’t in any worse shape now. As if to ease my fears, he leaned down and pressed a kiss just above my breasts, right at the spot where my heart was threatening to beat out of my chest.

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

We shed the rest of our clothes quickly, but it still didn’t feel rushed and lustful. It just felt like where we were meant to be. I let my head fall back against the couch cushions as Zac crawled down into the floor in front of me. I didn’t have to guess where he was going, but I still jumped a little when I felt his hot breath against my thighs, then drifting upward until he nudged my legs further open with his nose.

As soon as his tongue flicked out against me, I saw stars. There weren’t words for how good Zac made me feel or how much I had missed being this close to him. There was a comfortableness to being near him that implied just how close we actually were, in spite of all our problems, but being physically close to him like this meant even more.

He took his time bringing me over the edge, his tongue moving languidly against me as he thrust one, then two, fingers in and out of me. It was only a pale imitation of what I was aching with anticipation for.

I was still trembling when Zac crawled back up my body and gave me a sheepish look. “Colby, I don’t—I don’t have a condom.”

“I don’t either,” I replied. Before Zac could pull away, I added, “But I’m back on the pill now, and I can promise you I’m taking it more faithfully than I did before. Not that there was much chance of anything like… you know… happening again but—god, I’m rambling. I’m sorry.”

He chuckled softly. “Are you nervous?”

“A little,” I admitted. “I haven’t… actually been with anyone since the last time with you.”

Zac’s eyes widened a little, but he didn’t say a word. Instead, he just leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of my lips. It was supposed to be calming, I supposed, but it was actually so disarming that I barely realized he’d positioned himself and thrust into me.

How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around through every mood
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing, in my head for you

My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

Within seconds I was moaning. Zac’s soft groans and pants harmonized perfectly with my shameless noises. We weren’t perfect, we were hardly even compatible, but when we moved together like that, it was easy to convince myself that we were flawless.

He nudged one of my legs upward, bending it at the knee, and thrust deeply into me. My other leg wrapped around his, my toes curling. My hands tangled in his hair, longer than I had ever seen it and perfect for burying my fingers in and pulling him down for a sloppy kiss.

“Oh, god, Zac!” I sounded pathetic, but I didn’t really care. It had been too damn long and I was too damn close to another orgasm already.

“Colby.” His voice was soft and tender. What he said was simple, but something about it sent me the rest of the way over the edge.

Zac’s arms trembled as he thrust deeply into me. I could tell he was close too by the way he only went deeper and deeper, barely pulling back at all, until finally he just collapsed onto me, his chest heaving. A tiny moan, almost more like a whimper, escaped his mouth, his breath tickling my chest as it did so.

Give me all of you
Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it’s hard

“I love you, Colby,” he breathed out.

“I love you, too,” I replied, running my fingers through his hair.

I’d had no clue how much of a relief it would be to finally say that. I had long ago admitted it to myself, but that wasn’t the same. Maybe saying it sooner would have changed things. Maybe Zac would have understood what I was going through. But maybe it would have complicated things even more.

“What are we going to do now?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking, even though I know it would ruin the moment.

Zac sighed heavily, but didn’t move any farther than to lift his head to look up at me. “I really don’t know. I mean, you’re not going to kick me out now, right? Because that’s kinda awkward.”

“No,” I replied, chuckling in spite of myself. “I’m not kicking you out. But I mean… how long do you plan on staying here?”

“As long as you’ll have me,” he replied.

“I don’t think that’s really feasible,” I admitted, ducking my head and burying my face in his hair. Even if I had admitted that I loved him, I felt awkward admitting just how deeply those feelings ran and how desperately I wanted to be with him. I would still never make any demands of him, but maybe sharing those feelings were okay if they didn’t come with any expectations.

Zac finally pulled out of me completely and wiggled upward until we were face to face. He leaned down and gave me a soft kiss before speaking again. “I honestly don’t know what we’re going to do now, Colbs. I mean, Kate isn’t going to stay gone forever. I don’t think, anyway.”

“Why did she leave anyway?” I asked.

“Oh, she didn’t leave leave,” Zac replied. “I mean, it was a last minute decision to tag along on this trip with Natalie, and it did come hot on the heels of her discovering that you worked for the label. So yeah, there is a hint of her trying to punish me about it, but she’ll be back.”

“Punishing you by… taking the kids away from you? Isn’t that kind of—“

He put a finger over my lips to cut me off. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but didn’t you try to do the same thing, in a way?”

“No,” I snapped, then closed my eyes and sighed. “Yes. No. I don’t know, Zac. I was trying to spare you, I guess. And yeah, maybe I was trying to save face, too. But it didn’t work out, and god help me, I’m glad it didn’t. I mean… think how little time you’ve spent with Layla, and you two still just have this bond that almost makes me sick. It’s frustrating, yeah, but I can’t imagine what it would be like if either of you hadn’t been allowed to have that. So I’ve learned my lesson, okay?”

“Okay.” He nodded. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair of me to say. Anyway, I know she will be back, but what happens then… I don’t know. All I know is I love you and I can’t deny that. What that means for my marriage… I guess we’ll wait and see. That isn’t the answer you want, is it?”

“Honestly, any answer that involves you saying that you love me is a pretty good answer.”

Zac nudged my nose with his, making me giggle. He gave me a gentle kiss, then sighed again. “But it isn’t the best answer I could give you, is it? Sometimes, I swear, I wish you would demand something of me. Because making all these decisions on my own… it isn’t easy.”

“And if I did ask you to leave her? Don’t answer that. I don’t ask that because I’m scared of the answer.”

“I’m scared of it too,” Zac admitted softly. “I think I’ve always been scared of what I feel for you. That probably doesn’t sound like a compliment or what you want to hear, but it’s true. I haven’t felt this way in so long. And never exactly this way, but close enough that I think I always knew what it was, even if I wouldn’t admit it to myself. And god, it scares me shitless.”

“It scares me, too,” I agreed. “I haven’t really been in a lot of relationships and I don’t know… I mean, I guess I have been in love before. Probably a little too in love. And maybe I am now, but at this point, I think I’m in too deep to take it back.”

“Do you hear how romantic we don’t sound right now?” Zac asked, giggling softly.

“Yeah,” I replied. “But look at us. We’re naked on the couch while our illegitimate daughter sleeps in the other room. It’s not much of a love story, is it?”

“Nah, I guess not.” He shrugged, then gave me a crooked grin. “But it’s ours.”

I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

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