Love
I didn’t have to work until late the next afternoon, so I left my alarm off and allowed myself to sleep in. I slept deeply, not troubled by strange dreams or tossing and turning constantly. With a baby in the apartment, that was a rare sort of night and morning.
The first thing to disturb me from my sleep was the sound of Layla chattering to herself. Once I became aware of that and began to slowly come back to reality, I realized that my bed was too crowded. It was warm, and the mattress was depressed under the weight of another body. I rolled over and my suspicions were confirmed. Zac had found his way into my bed at some point in the night.
“Wake up,” I said, brushing his hair back so I could see his face, which he’d nearly buried in my pillow.
“Mmm, do I have to?” He mumbled. “Your bed is so comfortable. I forgot how nice it was.”
“You need to forget how nice it is. God, I should have known you would do something like this.”
“Something like what?” Zac asked.
I pushed my covers back and sat up. “Like this. Making this not friendly. Sleeping my bed when you’re married is not friendly, Zac. You know that. You’re not dumb. You’re the one who always makes this something it shouldn’t be.”
“And what if it should be this? What if the thing I’m doing that’s wrong is staying married to Kate?”
“You don’t mean that,” I said, looking away from him.
The bed shifted as Zac sat up and leaned against me. “What if I do?”
“If you’re just playing out some stupid hypothetical situation, I don’t want to hear it. If you mean it, then we’ll talk.”
He didn’t reply, and that was a good enough answer for me.
“Now, how about you check your daughter’s diaper while I get some breakfast ready for us? And then you need to get out of here. Be glad I’m at least feeding you again before I send you home.”
“I am glad,” Zac replied. “You know I’ll take whatever I can get from you. We’re kind of the same that way, I guess.”
I ignored that statement, throwing the covers back against him and hurrying out of bed before this conversation could continue. He was right that I was shameless enough to take whatever he would give me. I always had been. I wouldn’t ask him to leave his wife, but I would sleep with him if it was what he wanted. Now he didn’t even seem to want to tell me what he wanted from me. That was all I wanted from him now–some clarity. Fat chance of ever getting that, I was realizing.
Leaving Zac alone in the bedroom, I searched my kitchen for something halfway decent to fix for breakfast. Even when I was upset with him, I couldn’t stop myself from being nice to him, it seemed. I pulled a pack of bacon from the refrigerator, along with a carton of eggs, figuring I couldn’t go wrong with those.
I had only just gotten the bacon into the pan and sizzling before I heard footsteps coming down the hall and called out, “How do you like your eggs?”
“Scrambled with cheese, if that’s okay,” he replied.
“That’s perfect,” I said, glancing over to see that Zac had Layla on his shoulders. “That’s how I like mine, too.”
Zac smiled. “See, I’m learning more about you already. And what’s the little lady having for breakfast?”
“Cheerios,” I replied, nodding toward the cabinet where I kept those. “She likes the strawberry yogurt covered ones best.”
“Got it,” he said, easing her down into her high chair, then heading for the cabinet I’d indicated. “So, are you really kicking me out after breakfast?”
Without looking up from the bacon I was frying, I replied, “Not like that, no. But I’m asking you to leave.”
“And if I decline?”
“Well, we slept in pretty late, so it won’t be that long before I leave for work. If you’re not out of here by then, I guess I’ll have to take you on your word that you’ll be gone when I get back.”
“And if I say that I’d prefer to stay here and watch Layla so you don’t have to take her to work with you?” Zac asked.
I sighed. “Then I guess I’ll have to ask what you want for dinner tonight.”
“I want you to relax and let me worry about that,” he replied. “You didn’t have to let me stay, but you did. You’ve been there for me, more than you probably know. Let me be here for you for once.”
“I’ll believe that when I see it,” I mumbled, raking the bacon out onto a plate.
“Just give me time,” he said softly, stepping in next to me and taking an egg from the carton. “I know I’ve been… well, lots of words I shouldn’t say in front of the baby. I know that. And I don’t know what I’m doing right now, but I know I want to do right by you, for once. So just… just let me try.”
“Yeah, okay,” I said, taking the egg from his hand and cracking it into a bowl.
I knew I was giving in too easily, but I always had. He may not have known me all that well, but he knew that about me. If he was taking advantage of that, I could only blame myself for letting him this time.
We ate a peaceful breakfast together, then he settled into the couch with Layla to watch some cartoons while I got ready for work. I took my time, because I needed the time to think about what the hell the two of us were doing, but I didn’t arrive at any answers. Once again, we were going behind his wife’s back. It didn’t matter how nice he was and how much he framed it as wanting to do what was right by me and Layla. He was cheating and I was letting him.
And I didn’t see myself stopping it any time soon.
I didn’t let myself get near him as I hurried out to work. I wanted the goodbye kiss I suspected Zac would give me, but I knew I had to resist it. It was only a matter of time before my resolve was entirely gone, but until that moment, I was going to be good.
After a quick, friendly goodbye, I was out the door and on my way to work. I didn’t dare mention to Tobias that Zac was at my apartment. Even if we hadn’t done anything, it was still wrong. Just like working with him was walking on thin ice, spending so much time alone with him was dangerous and only going to lead to more infidelity. I knew that. But I couldn’t stop it. And I couldn’t stop myself thinking about it all day.
It was pathetic how quickly I hurried to get home after work. I tried to tell myself that it was because I was worried about how Layla had fared alone with Zac all day, but I knew that wasn’t true. I trusted him to be a good father. The one I didn’t trust was myself. And like I knew I would, I was rushing right back into his arms.
When I walked into the apartment, my nose was immediately assaulted by the smell of Chinese food. Sure enough, the counter was covered in an array of takeout containers, and Zac was—rather unsuccessfully—trying to get Layla to eat some fried rice.
“And just what’s going on here?” I asked, but I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.
“Found your spare key,” he said with a shrug. “So I took Layla to the park, picked up some fresh clothes for myself because I was started to reek, took a shower and bought dinner. I’d say we had a pretty good day. How about you?”
I shrugged. “It was a day. Some of us actually have to work real jobs.”
“You should have stayed home with us. We had fun. But come on, the food is still warm, I think.”
“Yeah, alright,” I replied, then shuffled off to my bedroom to change into my pajamas. It was a little early for them, but it wasn’t like I had any reason left to try to impress Zac.
Once I had made myself a little more comfortable, I walked back into the kitchen and plucked an eggroll from one of the boxes. Again, feeling like I had little reason to bother trying to impress Zac, I shoved practically the entire thing in my mouth at once. When I’d finished chewing, I turned to Zac and asked, “So, how long are you actually planning on camping out here? I mean, are we talking ‘I got a change of clothes’ or ‘I packed a suitcase?’”
“Not a suitcase,” he replied, looking a little sheepish. “But I did throw some things in a backpack, so… I could be here a few days, if you’ll have me. It’s here or stuck in an empty apartment until Kate gets back.”
I turned my back to him and picked up a container of fried rice. “So you’re just using me to fill a gap until she gets back?”
“No, I…” he sighed. “I realize it sounded that way, but I didn’t mean it that way at all. You’ve gotta believe me, Colby.”
“Believing you has gotten me into a lot of trouble,” I mumbled between bites.
“I know,” Zac replied, stepping in closer to me and placing a hand on my back. “And I don’t know how to fix that. I mean, I’m still going behind Kate’s back, so I know I’m not trustworthy. But all I want right now is just to spend some time with you. I know it can’t ever be as innocent as I’m making it sound, but it is that simple. I just want to be with you.”
“Be with me how?” I replied, still not looking at him. “I’m not trying to ask for more than you can give. I’m not trying to ask for anything tangible. I just want answers.”
“With you,” he said softly. “I know you said I don’t know you that well, and you’re right. There’s a lot I don’t know about you, but there’s a lot I do know. I know you’ve never denied me, at least not for long, when I want you… when I need you. I know you are incredibly talented and so smart. I know you’re stronger than you ought to have to be, and you’ve been through so much. But you’re still holding things together not because you want to, but because you have to, and I wish I could take some of that burden away for you. And I know… I know you don’t need me the way I need you, because as we’ve already established, you’re so, so strong. But I hope you want me just as much.”
When he stopped speaking, I was completely speechless. What could I say to that? It was the most lucid, heartfelt thing I thought I had ever heard come out of his mouth, and I believed it. I believed every word of it.
The only way I could respond to such heartfelt words was to spin around, wrap my arms around Zac’s neck and kiss him. He reacted to the kiss immediately, wrapping his arms tightly around my waist and running his tongue along my bottom lip. How long had it been since we had kissed? I didn’t even remember, but it felt like no time at all. The feeling of his lips against mine, his tongue in my mouth, his arms around me… it was so, so familiar and it was right where I always wanted to be. Between his words and the way he kissed me back, I was beginning to believe that Zac felt the same way.
“Colby,” he breathed out, pulling back from the kiss and resting his forehead against mine. “We’re not just friends. We never were.”
“No, I’d say we skipped right past friendship,” I mumbled.
“That’s not what I meant,” he replied, a tiny smirk turning up the corner of his lips. “I mean… this isn’t friendship. You know it isn’t. It’s always been more and it’s always going to be more.”
“More?” I asked softly, almost afraid of what he was implying.
Zac nodded. “You know what I mean. It’s love, Colby. At least it is for me.”
“It is for me, too,” I whispered.