Our Downfall
Who are we to be emotional?
Who are we to play with hearts and throw away it all?
Oh, who are we to turn each other’s heads?
Who are we to find ourselves in other people’s beds?
Oh, I don’t like the way I never listen to myself
I feel like I’m on fire, I’m too shy to cry for help
Oh, I don’t think you know me much at all
The same pattern continued over the next few weeks. Whenever I wasn’t working and could either bring Layla with me or get someone to watch her, I went over to 3CG to help Zac, Taylor and the few other hired hands they’d found whip the place back into shape. Slowly, it was beginning to look like a real office and not some hoarder’s paradise. It was fascinating to see the place coming together. The space was there all along, but it just couldn’t be seen through all the mess. It was hard to envision what it would even look like, but slowly, one box at a time, it was being revealed.
I was sure there was some deeper metaphor in that, but I didn’t know what it was.
After watching the boys haul in an old piano Taylor had apparently had the good fortune to find at a thrift store, I felt my creative juices bubbling up again. It was strange; I hadn’t felt the absence of my musical inspiration, but now that it was back, I didn’t know how I had gone so long without it. I supposed maybe college had sucked the life and fun out of it for me, but now I could create music just for myself again.
And that was exactly what I wanted to do.
When no one else was around, I walked up to the piano and started plucking a few keys. I wasn’t playing anything in particular, just whatever came to mind. I could already hear a violin part to accompany it in my mind, though it had no name or lyrics.
This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall
This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall
I’m feeling down about this love
“Mmm, what’s that?” Zac asked. I hadn’t even heard him approach; I was too lost in the song. I could feel his body heat behind me, though—not brushing against me, but close. “Did you write that?”
“Not really. I mean, I did, but it’s nothing in particular. Just messing around.”
“I liked it,” he said. “When we get this studio done, it’s where you need to be recording, not your friend’s dinky little place.”
“Studio envy?” I mumbled.
Zac chose to ignore that, instead reaching a steaming Starbucks cup over my shoulder. “I really came in here to bring you this, not to be serenaded, but feel free to keep playing.”
From behind me, I could hear him slurping what I was sure was a mocha, since that was the only thing I had ever seen him order at Starbucks. After a quick sip, I sat my latte down on a nearby box and tried to remember what I had been playing. The moment had nearly passed, and now that Zac was here, a new one was creeping up.
Who are you to make me feel so good?
Who are we to tell ourselves that we’re misunderstood?
Oh, who am I to say I’m always yours?
Who am I to choose the boy that everyone adores?
Oh, I don’t see a reason why we can’t just be apart
We’re falling on each other like we’re always in the dark
Oh, I don’t think you know me much at all, at all
As I played, Zac leaned against me, and I found that I loved it. I knew I should have pushed him away or at least tried to fight back that feeling of warmth that spread through my body, but I couldn’t. Just like that, he had hooked me again, whether he meant to or not. And I really had no clue if he did mean it; sometimes I thought it really was just a strange instinctual thing with him. He had no clue at all what he did to me.
The song still had no words, and it ended abruptly. I knew it wasn’t finished, but I could come back to it later. Whatever it was, it was going to be with me for a while, stuck beneath my skin just like Zac was.
“Wow,” Zac nearly whispered. “I liked that. I may steal that, in fact. You know we’re working on a new album, right?”
“You can only use it if I get songwriting credit and royalties,” I replied, turning around to give him a sweet smile.
Turning to face him was a mistake. He was far, far closer to me than I had realized, and our faces were now only inches apart. It had been months since I had been that close to him. The last time we were together at all was before Layla was even born, I realized. Had it really been that long? It seemed like ages and mere days at the same time.
But now here he was. Close enough that I could feel his breath on my face, and nearly close enough for his stubble to tickle my cheek. Too close.
“I, umm,” I stuttered out. “I mean. We should get back to work.”
“Yeah,” Zac breathed out. “You’re right. We should… yeah. Work.”
Was he going to kiss me? Had he even thought about it? I couldn’t tell. The look in his eyes was impossible to read, and as soon as I tried, he turned away and slurped loudly on his mocha again. Whatever had just passed between us, it had been fleeting and impossible to define. And now it was over.
In silence we walked out into the hallway. There were some speakers and things we needed to remove from the room that would become the studio so that they could start putting up the soundproofing, and that was what we should have been doing while I was goofing around on the piano.
We made it a few steps down the hallway before we heard voices. People were always coming and going from the office now that things were really getting underway, but I didn’t quite recognize the voice I heard just then. It was female, and I was practically the only girl who worked there. It could have been Natalie, I supposed.
But it wasn’t.
We turned the corner together, side by side, and came face to face with Kate.
“Zachary,” she said, her nose scrunching up like even his name disgusted her. Right then, seeing him with me, I supposed it did.
“Kate, I—” he began, his mouth moving a bit but no more sound coming out. “I just—I didn’t know you were…”
“I thought I would surprise you and bring the kids by for lunch. They’ve been good today and Shep got through his lesson pretty quickly, so it seemed like a good treat for all of us.” Her tone was measured, almost mechanical as she spoke. It was clear that her plan had been ruined by my sudden appearance. “But now, I think you and I need to have a little talk. I hope you don’t mind if I borrow my husband for a moment?”
The question was directed toward me, though she fixed her gaze somewhere above my head rather than looking me in the eyes. All I could do in response was shake my head.
This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall
This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall
This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall
I watched as Kate handed Abe off to a sheepish looking Taylor. Shepherd and Junia were old enough to tell that something strange was going on, but they obediently followed Taylor as he promised to show them something really cool in the studio. He gave me a quick pat on the shoulder as we passed, but didn’t speak.
Kate led Zac into a nearby room, and I knew I shouldn’t have tried to eavesdrop but I couldn’t stop myself. I had to know. She obviously hadn’t expected to see me here, and I didn’t like that thought. I didn’t like that thought at all.
“What the hell is she doing here, Zac?”
“What does it look like she’s doing?” he shot back.
“Getting pretty cozy with you,” Kate replied. “I mean, what is going on here? I don’t know why I’m surprised, though. Moving here… I should have known. I just thought I could keep an eye on you this way.”
“Keep me on a tight leash, you mean.”
“What am I supposed to do?” She asked, her voice cracking just a bit. “I can’t trust you. That’s been proven time and time again. But I thought… I thought this time you really wanted to try to make it work. And then I see you with her.”
I had to walk away then. I didn’t need to hear any more. She obviously had no clue I was working for 3CG, and that shouldn’t have surprised me at all. Of course Zac would keep me a secret. But why? It only made us look even more suspicious to know that he couldn’t even tell his wife that he was spending time with the mother of his other child. If we were supposed to just be friends, if he was going to constantly insist upon that… then why act like I was some dirty little secret?
Before I could hear any more of their argument, I wandered away to see where Tay was. He had taken the kids, including Layla, into the studio and was playing a silly little song for them that I had no doubt he was making up as he went along. I could only imagine what Kate would think if she saw that Layla was being allowed to play with Zac’s legitimate children. Sometimes I wondered if her problem was with me, with Layla… or with Zac. At the moment, at least, it seemed to be mostly with Zac.
“Do I need to call the police and report a murder?” Tay asked as casually as possible.
I shook my head. “No, not yet. But at the rate things are going…”
I trailed off then, because I wasn’t sure at all where to go with that statement. I was still too in shock that Zac had kept me a secret to be very coherent. All I knew was that if Kate didn’t kill him, I just might.
Taylor resumed playing for the kids, but the song didn’t get very far before Zac walked into the room and we all went silent. At least Kate wasn’t with him.
“Can we talk now?” I asked, ignoring the way he winced at my words even though my tone was light enough.
I didn’t bother taking him into another room; if we were quiet enough, I didn’t see the need. It wasn’t going to be a long conversation.
“I’m going to go,” I said softly, stepping in close to him.
“You don’t need to do that,” he replied. “She left. She’s going to come back and get the kids later, but she’s gone for now.”
I shook my head. “I don’t mean I’m leaving for the day. I mean I’m leaving. I’m done. Send my last paycheck in the mail, but I’m not working here any longer.”
“You can’t—you can’t just quit.”
“Yeah,” I replied. “I can. I’m not going to be your dirty little secret here. Ad don’t tell me that’s not what I am—it’s obvious you didn’t tell her I was working here, so by definition that makes me a secret. And you wouldn’t have kept that secret if you didn’t feel guilty about me being here. So you can act like there’s nothing going on, like we’re just friends… but I won’t buy it when you’re doing shit like that and acting as though there’s something we need to hide from your wife. If we’re just friends, and she already knows about Layla, what is there to hide? Can you answer that?”
I paused to catch my breath. Zac didn’t speak at all.
“I didn’t think you had an answer for that,” I continued. “So I’m going to get my things and my daughter, and I’m going to go. We can still do what it takes for her, but I can’t be around you all day like this. You want to be a good husband to Kate, you’re off to a pretty lousy start. So you work on that, and I’ll be off living my life, too.”
He looked like he wanted to protest, but he didn’t. He just lowered his head and nodded sadly. “Yeah. Alright. Just quit your job and run off again. It solved all your problems before, didn’t it?”
“It would have if…” I stared off to the side, where Layla sat with Junia, who was playing with her hair, trying to braid the thick brown curls. I looked back at Zac and tried to muster up all of my resolve. “It can’t make things any worse this time.”
“Yeah, aright,” he said. “See you later, Colby.”
As I pried Layla away from Junia, hoping and praying that it wouldn’t cause any sort of fit to lose her new friend-slash-toy, I tried not to think too much about Zac’s words. He didn’t say goodbye. He knew I couldn’t stay gone, and I knew it, too. But right then, I needed to prove a point and he needed to take that point to heart.
This love is not what you want
This heart will never be yours
This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall
This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall