A Broken Tune
Right under my feet is air made of bricks
It pulls me down, turns me weak for you
I find myself repeating like a broken tune
And I’m forever excusing your intentions
And I give in to my pretendings
Which forgive you each time
Without me knowing
They melt my heart to stone
Being in a recording studio again felt so good.
I had only done a little actual recording in college and hadn’t even set foot in a music studio since then. In what spare moments I had, I always found myself jotting down lyrics and there was always a tune playing in my mind. Turning those into actual songs that I could record was easier than I expected it to be. I hadn’t realized I had so many new songs inside of me, considering that I hadn’t sat down for the purpose of writing a song in well over a year. Now that I was in the studio with Tobias, though, the songs wouldn’t stop pouring out of me.
And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I’m the only one in love
I’m the only one in love
I had brought several notebooks and loose sheets of paper with me, all stuffed into my guitar and violin cases. Tobias and I spent the better part of the morning trying to turn some of my little snippets into something usable before we finally got into the groove and actually managed to record a few tracks. On this particular one, he played a piano part that suited the song perfectly, even though I hadn’t even known he could play piano.
As much as I loved recording, it hurt. It felt like tearing my heart out and stomping on it. At least no one was there to see it but Tobias, but of course he understood the meaning behind my words. I could only thank him for helping me to set them to beautiful music and skirting around the topic of exactly what—or who–had inspired the songs.
Each and every time I turn around to leave
I feel my heart begin to burst and bleed
So desperately I try to link it with my head
But instead I fall back to my knees
As you tear your way right through me
I forgive you once again
Without me knowing
You’ve burnt my heart to stone
Zac had called and texted me several times, practically daily, since his (permanent) move to New York, but it was obvious that it was only perfunctory. He only wanted to check on Layla; he didn’t care about me at all. Whatever was between us, he had forgotten it or pushed it aside so well that I couldn’t even see a single sign of the emotions I had been so sure he reciprocated.
We were nothing. Nothing but Layla’s parents.
I hated myself for being so hurt by that. Shouldn’t I have at least been happy that he was keeping his promise to be there for our daughter? Why was I still so angry with him? Layla mattered more than what I felt for Zac and what I had hoped he felt for me. If she was happy, I shouldn’t have needed anything else in the world.
Yet I did. And the one thing I needed had made it very clear that he belonged to another woman and had no plans to change that.
And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I’m the only one in love
I’m the only one in love
When we finished that song, one of about half a dozen we had recorded, I decided it was time for a break. If I smoked, I would have been running for the doors to go out and light up. As it was, I just ended up collapsing on a couch in the control booth and sighing heavily. If I could have fallen asleep, I would have done that, too, but since becoming a mother, I was learning that I could actually function on very little sleep. Whether I was pleasant to be around or simply existing in a somewhat zombie-like state, I wasn’t sure.
Just as I actually did start to drift off, my phone buzzed from somewhere in the pockets of my dress. I fished it out and wasn’t surprised at all to see that the call was from Zac.
“Hello?” I said, trying not to sound as unhappy to hear from him as I was.
“Hey, I was just… well, just checking in,” he replied.
“Layla’s with Avery,” I replied.
“I didn’t mean… I mean, I wanted to know how she was, too. But I wanted to check in with you.”
“Why?” I asked, the question coming out before I could even think about how it must have sounded.
“Because… well, just because. What’s new, Colbs? We only ever talk about the baby.”
“What else would we talk about? It would all just turn into an argument.”
“Maybe not,” he replied. “I’m trying to be friendly now. I want us to be friendly. So what’s new in your world?”
I sighed. If he really wanted to do this, then I supposed it wouldn’t hurt to play along. “I’m actually recording a few tracks today, just for fun.”
“Yet you won’t come to my studio,” he shot back.
“I’m just not sure that’s a good idea,” I replied.
“Why?” He asked. “Because I’ll be there? Because Kate might be there? I can assure you—she won’t be. But yes, I will be there, and I’d like to think you and I can find a way to be in the same room without killing each other.”
“Yeah, well, it takes two. Or in our case, three.”
“Whatever,” he said softly. He cleared his throat loudly, then continued, “Anyway, I’m glad you’re making music again. I remember you talking about it… all the instruments you play… but I’ve never heard you play a single note.”
I was shocked that Zac actually remembered that conversation. He had to be referring to the night we met, when I had gushed about music to him and his brothers, and told them all about my history with classical music and my study of not only dorky instruments like violin but the music business. I had come across like a total geek, I was sure. But Zac remembered. He had actually been listening to me that night, and I could barely believe it. It was such a simple thing for him to remember, but it meant more than I could tell him.
“Well, I’m a little rusty,” I replied. “I was just helping some friends out; they just got this new studio set up and they haven’t had many people in to record yet. But I may have put down some decent demos today.”
“You should bring them with you when you come over to 3CG,” Zac said.
“When I come over?” I repeated, but by this point, I was too exhausted to be anything more than amused by his stubbornness.
“It’s up to you,” he replied lightly. “Whenever you want to come over. I’m not trying to force anything, I just think it would be good for you to get back into music, back into the business. And it’s just a big bonus that you could bring Layla and I could see her more.”
“You really know how to lay on a guilt trip.”
“That wasn’t my intention,” Zac said.
I rolled over and bashed my head against the arm of the couch a few times. “Sure it wasn’t. Look, I don’t know when, but I’ll come over. I’m not saying I’m going to work for you guys, because as we discussed, this did not end well the last time. But… I’ll come hang out. That’s all.”
“That’s enough for me,” he replied.
I had a feeling that it wasn’t, but I wasn’t sure what would be. Even though he was nothing more than friendly with me, almost like casual acquaintances, he still seemed to want to press the issue of spending more time together. I didn’t understand it. When we weren’t together, being so near him was just salt in the wound. I supposed he didn’t feel that, though, so he saw nothing wrong with it. Not wanting him to know how I felt meant that I couldn’t complain about spending time with him… which in turn only made me feel even more for him.
It was a cycle that I didn’t know how to break.
After a moment of awkward silence on the line, Zac sighed. “So, I guess you probably want to get back to work, huh?”
“It’s not really work, but yeah… I should,” I replied. “What about you? Shouldn’t you be at work, too?”
“We’re still trying to get this place in shape again, considering the fact that it’s just been a storage space for years,” he said. “And ‘getting it in shape’ involves a lot of sitting around doing nothing and then occasionally looking through a box of crap. It’s really more tiring than it sounds.”
“I’m sure it is,” I said. “I can’t really see you and Taylor getting a lot of work done left to your own devices like that anyway.”
“Exactly!” Zac replied, giggling. “That’s why you need to come over. You can whip us into shape.”
There was a subtle flirtiness to his words, and I wasn’t sure which of us had started the conversation down that path. It was the most we had flirted in months, and it felt a little wrong. Like an old familiar outfit that didn’t fit the way you remembered. It was still your favorite, but you couldn’t quite remember why, and you weren’t sure it had changed… or if you had.
Why do you steal my hand?
Whenever I’m standing my own ground
You build me up, then leave me dead
“Well, alright,” I said slowly. “If only just to shut you up.”
“I’m sure my family would tell you that’s the best reason to do anything,” he replied, chuckling.
“We’ll figure out some time for me to come over there maybe next week, alright?”
“Yeah,” he breathed out. “That sounds great. And now I swear I’ll really let you get back to work.”
“Yeah… thanks,” I said, hating myself for being such a pushover for him.
“Sure thing. I’ll see you soon, Colbs.”
“Bye, Zac.”
There was a slight pause, like he wanted to say something else, and then the click signifying that he had ended the call. I couldn’t have even guessed what he was going to say next. There was really only one possibility, but those were words Zac had never said to me, words I thought he was even less likely to say now that his marriage was supposedly back on steady ground.
It was just more proof that I would never, ever understand Zac Hanson.
“Hey,” Tobias said, peeking his head into the room. His arms were loaded down with sodas and bags of greasy potato chips.
“You want a snack? You look like you need one.”
“I feel like I need a bullet to the head,” I replied.
“What’s the story, morning glory?” He asked, plopping down in the floor in front of my couch and offering me a Dr. Pepper, which he knew was my favorite.
“Just the usual,” I replied. “The sperm donor is being a confusing asshole again. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, though. Maybe we really are just friends… if even that. I just wish I understood him.”
“You know, men talk about how confusing women are,” Tobias said, cracking open his own soda. “But the truth is, men are just as confusing sometimes, and we know it. We just like to blame the women.”
“No shit,” I replied. With a long sigh, I added, “I think I’m definitely ready for another take on that song. Call it divine inspiration.”
Well I hear your words you made up
I say your name like there should be an us
I best tidy up my head I’m the only one in love
I’m the only one in love