Black and White
A week or so later, bundled up to protect us both from the cold, I wheeled Layla around Columbus Park. It was more or less halfway between my apartment and Zac’s new house, so it seemed like the best place to meet, even if it was a little too chilly to hang out at the park. Still, there was a nice walking track I could push Layla around, and it felt far enough away from Zac’s family. They were still too close for my comfort, but for the moment, this distance would do. We had planned to meet there and talk, but I was sure that with Zac, there would be more strings attached than just a simple conversation.
I had already pushed Layla around the majority of the park by the time Zac finally texted to let me know he was in the area. Sure enough, I spotted him sitting on a bench just a few yards away, his head down. I didn’t say a word, so he didn’t notice us until we were right in front of him.
“Colby,” he said, nearly jumping off the bench when he finally looked up. “It’s so good to see you—both of you—again.”
He sounded so formal and distant. I didn’t believe his words at all. Without a word of my own, I sat down next to him, ready to rest my feet after getting so much exercise with Layla. I didn’t know what to say to Zac at all, so I just didn’t say anything.
“I know I should have told you sooner than we were planning this, but… well, I didn’t know we were. The house next to Taylor’s came up for sale, too, and it just seemed like a sign, you know? We both need to be here to get 3CG running here in New York again, and if all my kids are here, I can divide my time a little more evenly between them. It just makes sense, Colby.”
“Sure,” I replied. “I never said it didn’t make sense, did I?”
“You haven’t really said anything,” he shot back.
“I don’t know what to say. Do you want me to be happy you’re here? Or upset? I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel about this.”
Zac sighed. “I don’t know either. Happy, I guess? Like I said, this will make it a lot easier to be there for all my kids. That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”
“It is,” I agreed somewhat reluctantly. “And it’s not like you hadn’t moved here anyway, even if you did go back to Tulsa for a while…”
“You just weren’t expecting her to move with me,” Zac said slowly.
“Well, until you said you were going back to work things out with her, I was under the impression you two were separated. And you’re always… I mean, from the way you talk about her, I don’t know why you would even want to work things out.” I scooted farther away from him as I talked, afraid that my words were revealing more than I wanted them to.
“You wouldn’t understand,” Zac replied. “You’ve never been married. It’s… it’s complicated. Yeah, it sucks sometimes, but we have a family and history together. I can’t just… throw that away.”
“You’d still have a family and history even if you weren’t together,” I pointed out, crossing my arms and staring off in the distance, not even wanting to meet Zac’s eyes.
“Yeah, but… well, we know each other. Maybe too well. In spite of our problems, we know how to be together.”
“So you’re choosing the path of least resistance,” I replied.
“If that’s how you want to see it,” Zac said softly.
“How else should I see it?” I asked. “It’s not like you gave me reason to think that you wanted to leave her and be with me. It’s not like this whole thing between us was built on the premise that you were unhappy in your marriage and I stupidly thought I could make you happier than she did. Except… that’s exactly what you made me think. Yet now I’m supposed to be happy that you’ve not only chosen to stay with her, but you’ve moved her to my city. Yeah, Zac. I’m fucking thrilled to know I’ve wasted all this time on something you were never really going to give me.”
“Everything isn’t black and white, Colby,” he said softly. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. We can have problems and go through rough patches, and I can do some really shitty things… but that doesn’t mean that she and I don’t still want to try to make our marriage work. Whatever you and I have… or had… well, I’m sorry that I can’t take a chance on that when I have eight years of marriage behind me.”
“That’s fine,” I snapped. “Don’t leave her. I’m not telling you to, and I never did. But you were the one who made me think that we had something… something other than this little girl. Something that would be enough for you to give up on a marriage that you yourself claimed was horrible. So if I ever thought things were that black and white… well, why wouldn’t I, based on what you said?”
“I don’t know,” Zac admitted. “But now I’m trying to tell you that I was wrong. What I felt then was… I don’t know, it wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t the entire truth, I guess. I’m trying to tell you now that it’s more complicated than you versus her, and I wish you could see that.”
“I wish I could, too, but you know that’s how you’ve always made it seem. Why did you ask me to come here, anyway?”
“Not so that we could argue,” he said. “I just wanted to see our baby girl, Colbs. And I wanted to apologize for misleading you, which I obviously did. I wanted to try to get off on the right foot this time. I want us to find a way to make this work for Layla. And when I say this… I don’t mean a relationship between us, even though I know that’s what you want.”
“I wouldn’t assume that if I were you,” I shot back, even though he wasn’t entirely wrong. I didn’t want a relationship with the guy he had been lately, but I did want a relationship with the Zac I thought he was somewhere deep down inside. “We’re never going to be one big happy family, if that’s what you think moving here is going to accomplish.”
“It can’t hurt,” he replied. “None of us can be entirely happy if we’re not all here, where I can be devoted to all of my kids and devoted to my wife. I know it isn’t exactly how you saw this playing out, but out of all possibly scenarios, I truly believe this is the best one. And I hope in time you can see it that way, too.”
“I just don’t really see that happening,” I replied.
“Maybe not,” he admitted. “But it’s the best shot we’ve got. You have to see that.”
“I don’t have to do anything,” I said. “Now, is that all you had to talk about?”
“I guess it is,” Zac said, then sighed softly. “Can you hang out for a little while longer, though? I would like to actually spend some time with Layla. I don’t want to feel like you’re keeping her from me.”
“Then don’t feel that way, because it’s not what I’m doing,” I snapped. “Just because I don’t want anything to do with you right now doesn’t mean I’m going to keep our daughter from you. I’m not the only one seeing things in black and white here, Zac. I’m not the only one acting like this is some sort of game that only one of us can win.”
“Just let me see Layla, please,” he practically whined. “I don’t want to argue about this anymore. I just want to see our daughter and try to get things as close to normal as possible.”
“Fine. Whatever.” I stood up and turned Layla’s stroller toward Zac. “We were taking a walk before you got here. So let’s take a walk, but I don’t plan on making happy little small talk while we do. And it’s too cold to walk for much longer.”
“Okay,” he said, standing up. “Do you think we could maybe go out for lunch afterward?”
“Didn’t I just get done telling you that I didn’t want anything to do with you right now?”
Zac sighed. “So you hate me so much that we can’t even have a meal together.”
“Did I say that?” I asked, taking a few steps to encourage him to start moving. “I’m just not happy with you right now, and I don’t know when I will be, but I’m not going to keep you from Layla. If going to lunch with you will shut you up, then fine. I’ll do it.”
“Thank you,” he replied, falling into step beside me. After a moment, he asked, “How’s our girl doing? I hate that I missed her first Christmas…”
“I’m sure it won’t be the only holiday you miss,” I replied softly. A little louder, I replied, “She’s doing good. Growing like she’s supposed to, learning a few more words, crawling everywhere and even trying to stand up.”
As if to prove my point, she started babbling loudly, saying the most she had said the whole day. Amongst all of her chatter, the only discernible words were “mama” and “dada.” At least she had managed to notice that I was there too.
“Yeah, Daddy’s here,” Zac cooed back at her. “He’s gonna be here all the time, baby girl. He’ll get to see you all the time, and you’ll get to see your Uncle Taylor more… remember him? We’ll have all kinds of fun, playing and playing music… you know, we’re going to start recording the next album here, I think.”
The last part of that was directed at me, and I didn’t know what he expected me to say in response. Finally, I managed to ask, “Oh, are you?”
“Yeah,” Zac said, steering Layla’s stroller down the sidewalk toward the edge of the park, where there were a few nice restaurants. “It’s going to take us a while to get the office and studio set up here, but it’ll be a pretty nice place once we do. You should come over and check it out. Hell, we’ll probably need an extra set of hands if you wanna help us get the place in shape.”
“I don’t know about that,” I replied. “It didn’t work out so well the last time I worked for you guys, didn’t it?”
Zac gave a harsh little chuckle. “I’m not saying work for us, unless you wanted to. I just mean that it’s going to be all hands on deck, so I figured if you wanted to come hang out… plus, it would give me a chance to spend more time with Layla if you brought her.”
“I’ll think about it,” I replied.
Zac steered us into a little café, not even bothering to ask if that was okay with me. That was nothing new for him, though. Once he had made up his mind how things were going to be, it really didn’t matter what anyone else wanted. Of course, his mind rarely seemed to stay made up…
Something felt different this time, though. There was no spark between us. He wasn’t as hollow and emotionless as before, but he also wasn’t the man I loved. He reminded me so much more of the distant man he’d been when I first met him, before we’d become friends… and then more. I wasn’t sure how everything between us had been undone, but it seemed that it had. We were back at the beginning, and I didn’t know how to get us back to any sort of real relationship. All I knew was that trying to act like we had nothing in common but Layla wasn’t the way to do it.
Whatever positive words Zac said about it, I just couldn’t convince myself that this big move to New York was a good thing for us.