Stumble and Fall
The week after Thanksgiving, it was back to New York, back to work… and back to court.
By this point in the proceedings, Zac’s fans seemed to have discovered all the details, and I had no doubt that the group of girls bundled up in coats and scarves just milling about by the court house steps were Hanson fans. Their whispering reached a fever pitch when I walked by, and it took all my strength to tune them out. I didn’t want to hear a single word they said about me; their dirty looks were enough for me to get the general idea.
If they only knew that everything they thought about me was nothing compared to what I thought about myself.
Compared to the gaggle of gossips outside, the inside of the courtroom was deathly silent. Other than the judge and various court workers, the only people in the room were me, my lawyer, Zac and his lawyer. There was no hiding from or ignoring Zac, no matter how much I might have wanted to.
I had thought long and hard about the inevitable outcome of the case, but I had come no closer to any peace of mind. Uncle Todd had little advice to offer that helped me come any closer to any sort of happiness. After days and days, I realized that I wasn’t going to be sure what to do or feel until I was there, in front of the judge.
Even as he began to rehash everything we had done so far, every detail of the case, I didn’t know how I really felt. I stole a glance at Zac, but I couldn’t read his face at all. His eyes looked empty. He just looked hollow. I felt a pang of sadness in my chest at the thought that dragging this court case out might be part of why he looked that way. He only wanted the chance to be there for his daughter; I understood that now. But in the state he was in right then… I wasn’t sure if he could even appreciate that or do anything about it. Still, if he ever stood a chance of pulling himself out of the depression he’d falling into, he needed to be in Layla’s life. If I kept her from him, it would only make things worse.
When the judge made his recommendation that Layla’s name be legally changed to Layla Juliette Hanson and Zac be allowed to see her at our own discretion, I had no argument at all. To my relief, the judge did not recommend any set amount of child support, simply stating that the issue could be readdressed at a later date if I felt Zac wasn’t supporting Layla. At least, I hoped, the lack of child support would keep Zac’s fans from calling me a golddigger. I knew it wouldn’t stop all of them, but perhaps the few capable of seeing reason would understand that this was all Zac’s doing, not mine.
As for Zac… I still couldn’t read his emotions. After stating that I agreed with the judge’s decision, I glanced at Zac. He only nodded, forcing his lawyer to speak for him. Why wasn’t he happy? Had he changed his mind about what he wanted? Was he just incapable of happiness now?
After we were dismissed, I rushed to follow him out of the room. It seemed like the tables had turned somehow; after every other court date, he was the one chasing after me to complain about my behavior. But now I wanted answers from him, even though I doubted I would get them.
“Zac!” I called out as he approached the metal detector that stood between him and the front door. “I wouldn’t go out there if I were you. They’re probably still creeping.”
“Who’s creeping?” He asked, turning around and giving me a confused look.
“Your fans, and I use the term loosely, given their behavior. Although maybe they don’t hate you as much as they do me.”
“They don’t hate you,” he replied, although the look on his face said that it was an automatic reaction and not something he really believed. “Was that all you wanted?”
I sighed. “I guess I just… well, I wanted to know if you were okay. If this… if this turned out the way you wanted. And if it did, can you at least try to look happy about it?”
“I am happy,” he said, but once again, it didn’t look like he really believed it.
“You got what you wanted, didn’t you? You get to be in her life, and on your own terms. I can’t keep her away from you, but I can complain if you don’t support her the way I think you should.”
“And how do you think I should support her?” He asked, almost accusingly.
“I don’t know,” I replied. “I just want to believe that you’re really trying… that you really want to be there for her. That you’re doing it for the right reasons, and not just to… I don’t know, to get back at Kate or something.”
Zac sighed, and for a moment, he seemed to let his guard down. After a few seconds of awkward silence, he finally said, “I’m going back to her. Maybe… maybe for longer than the holidays. I don’t know. We need to work on some things, and I don’t know what that will really mean.”
“It better not mean that you’re running off and abandoning Layla,” I shot back.
“It won’t. It doesn’t. I promise, Colby.”
“I just don’t know if I trust your promises,” I admitted.
“That might be a wise decision, at least in some cases,” Zac agreed, nodding a little. “But this is our baby we’re talking about. I can’t abandon her. I can’t. I may be a worthless asshole, but not that much of one. Give me some credit, Colbs.”
“I’m trying to,” I replied softly.
“So am I,” he said. “Trying, I mean. And right now, what I need to try to do is be a better husband… and father. I can’t be all things to everyone, but those are two things I can be.”
All I could do then was nod. The words he wasn’t saying were still coming through loud and clear: he had chosen Kate over me. Even though he seemed distant and emotionless, he spoke the most clearly he had in weeks, maybe months. For once, I didn’t think I was seeing him through a haze of alcohol. Yet I wasn’t sure if this new, subdued version of Zac was an improvement.
What could I do, though? I was done fighting. He had made his choice, and he would either stick to it or not, regardless of what I said or did. And so I just let him walk away, trying not to care that this might have been the end of us as anything more than co-parents.
I waited until Zac had been gone for several minutes before making my way out onto the street. I kept my head down as I passed the few girls who still lingered, focusing instead on sending Avery a text to let her know I was coming over to pick up Layla. Even though I had been trying to distance myself from Zac’s family, I knew I could trust Avery, and frankly, I was just tired of treating them all as the enemy. Only one of them definitely was. Zac might have been, too, depending on his mood. Either way, I didn’t want to abandon my friendship with Avery now that it was back, and so I was soon on the subway heading to her and Malcolm’s apartment.
Their apartment was in the basement of a converted brownstone and was the perfect, old fashioned place for a couple like them. The little doorknocker that I used to alert them to my presence was probably older than my entire apartment building, and I loved it. I only had to wait a moment before the door swung open to reveal Avery bouncing a giggling Layla on her hip.
“Hey, Colbs,” she said. “Say hi to mommy, Layla.”
Layla obliged, although her response couldn’t really be considered words by any stretch of the imagination. So far, “dada” was still the only discernible word in her lexicon, and if I didn’t know better, I would think she was taunting me every time she repeated it over and over.
“Hey, baby,” I said, reaching out to tickle Layla’s foot. “And hey to you, too. Thanks for watching her.”
“Oh, we had tons of fun,” Avery replied, stepping back to let us in. “We’ve been watching cartoons, eating all kinds of icky pureed things that should never be pureed… it’s been a blast. How was court?”
“Much less of a blast,” I said, collapsing onto Avery’s couch next to a pile of Layla’s toys. “But it’s over. She’s officially Layla Juliette Hanson and Zac is officially staying with—or going back to—Kate. Whatever. He’s with her and he’s staying that way.”
Avery pushed aside the toys and sat down next to me. “Were you really expecting anything different? Not to be blunt or anything, but… they were only separated. Did he ever say he was going to be with you?”
“No,” I replied. “No, he didn’t. He just… he made me feel that way, you know? He made me feel special. I guess I wasn’t.”
“Of course you are.” Avery frowned. “Just because my dumbass brother can’t decide who he wants to be with… that’s no reflection on you or on Kate. That’s all about him. I’m not saying that she’s perfect, either. She has her flaws. But so does he, and I hope you see them now. I still love him to death, but he’s turning into somebody that I don’t necessarily like.”
“So I’m not the only person who doesn’t recognize him anymore?”
“No, you’re really not,” Avery replied, shaking her head. “Zac is… I don’t know what he is. I just know that he can’t go on the way he’s been. He’s drifting, and he knows it.”
“I don’t think he sees that as a problem,” I said, relieved that someone else finally saw Zac the way I did. It made me wonder what Thanksgiving had been like for the Hanson family, but I didn’t really want to ask.
“Maybe not,” she said. “I just don’t know. I don’t know what to think about him. I wish I had something better to tell you than that.”
“I’m just glad I have someone to talk to who I feel like sees both sides,” I admitted. “I mean, I know he’s your brother, and I don’t want to put you in the middle of this…”
She shook her head. “I don’t feel that way. Maybe I did, for a while. But I think we can all be more mature than to feel like we have to take sides. At least, I hope we can.”
“I hope we can, too,” I replied, then reached for Layla. “And I hope we can make it home safely. Babies are a ton of fun on the subway and the bus, let me tell you.”
Avery laughed. “Oh, you’ll be fine. But I’m sure you want to get home. You probably both need a nap by now, huh?”
“I’m not sure which of us needs one more,” I replied.
The day had been exhausting, so it took quite a bit of my energy to help Avery gather up all of Layla’s belongings and strap her back onto my chest. It might have given me quite a workout to carry the extra twenty pounds of baby and diaper bag, but the Baby Bjorn was definitely handy for getting Layla around the city without incident.
Once she was in place and the bag thrown over my shoulder, I held my arms out as if to hug Avery, even though I couldn’t quite reach. Giving her a tired smile, I said, “I’m really glad we’re still friends. I know this has been… a rough year for all of us.”
“It has,” she replied, nodding. “But we’ll be alright. If I have to kick Zac’s ass myself, we’ll be alright.”
“Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that,” I said, laughing.
As we said goodnight and parted ways, I was tempted to tell Avery I wouldn’t mind at all if she did kick his ass. I just wasn’t sure it would do any good. I wasn’t sure what it would take to get through to him, but I did know that I had run out of ideas. There was nothing I could do. It was up to Zac to change himself.