Paperwork
In only a matter of minutes, I was sitting in a hospital waiting room. With Zac’s help, I had managed to fill out the paperwork while the emergency room, thankfully, went ahead and took Layla back to give her the shot she needed to counteract the allergy.
Zac was right, it seemed.
I wanted to be so angry with him, but I couldn’t be. If he hadn’t been through this before and thus been able to be so calm, I would have panicked even more. I wouldn’t have been able to calm myself down enough to focus on all the endless paperwork the hospital required. I would have been a sobbing mess on the floor, convinced that my baby was going to die because of my own incompetence… and she might have, if Zac hadn’t been there.
Not long after Zac had taken the paperwork back up to the desk for me, a doctor came out and walked over to us.
“You’re Layla’s parents?” The doctor, whose nametag read Dr. Armstrong, said.
I glanced at Zac quickly, then nodded. “Yes… we are.”
“She’s doing great,” he said. “It appears to have been a penicillin—or amoxicillin—allergy, like you thought. We just gave her an epinephrine shot, and we’re monitoring her now, but everything seems fine. We’re going to keep an eye on her for a while, but at most, she’ll just need some Benadryl to get her back to one hundred percent. And of course, we’re going to give her a prescription for an antibiotic that’s not in the penicillin family so we can get that ear infection cleared up.”
“But she’s going to be okay?” I asked.
The doctor smiled and nodded. “She’s a tough little girl, and you guys got her here quickly. I know it’s scary, but we were able to treat her quickly enough that there’s nothing for you to worry about now.”
I let out a long sigh, then asked, “C-can I see her now?”
“Of course,” he said. “Follow me.”
I stood up to follow the doctor, and Zac didn’t miss a beat. With his hand on my back, he followed right along beside me. I wasn’t sure that he was strictly allowed to do that, legally, but I didn’t have it in me to stop him. If he hadn’t been here, Layla might not be either. In light of that, I couldn’t keep him from seeing her.
Dr. Armstrong led us back to a tiny, baby-sized hospital room where Layla lay in a crib with a few little wires and tubes connecting her to various machines. It was more than a little disconcerting to see, but I knew I should have expected it. Still, Zac had to practically push me into the room.
“Hey, baby,” he said, nudging me toward Layla’s crib and reaching out to grip her little hand. “See, Colbs? She’s just fine.”
I nodded, but I wasn’t entirely convinced. Zac lifted her little hand and made her wave at me, and I rolled my eyes, trying not to laugh or smile.
“She just wasn’t getting enough attention, that’s all,” he said. “Now she’s got all kinds of doctors and nurses paying her the attention she deserves, so she’ll be just fine.”
“Are you implying that our daughter is an attention whore?” I asked, smirking a little. “I can guess who she got that from.”
“Her Uncle Taylor,” Zac replied.
I laughed loudly. “It really isn’t nice to joke about him… when he isn’t here to get offended by it.”
“I’ll tell him all about it later,” Zac said, then straightened up and put his arm around me again. “You know, they really weren’t supposed to let me in here. You’re not going to tell on me, are you?”
“No, I’m not.” I shook my head.
“Good,” he said, his face going more serious. “This is why I’m doing this, Colbs. I mean, we’re probably breaking all kinds of laws right now, with me back here and filling out that paperwork for you… what if we didn’t get so lucky? There are so many reasons why we just need to make it legal, just in case. I’m not trying to take her away or tell you how to raise her or anything. I’m not, Colbs.”
Hesitantly, I nodded. “I know you’re not.”
“Then why are you fighting it?”
Right then, I didn’t have an answer for him. All I had was the rumbling of my stomach and the realization that in all of this excitement, we’d missed dinner. Since Layla was resting peacefully, I decided it was okay to leave her for the amount of time it would take us to find the hospital’s cafeteria and have a quick meal.
We used that time to catch up. He told me all about touring the world, and it made me long to be back on the road. I’d blown my first chance at it, I knew. Now that I had Layla, I supposed I wouldn’t get another chance. Somehow, it was too late for me. When Zac finished his story, I told him everything he’d missed in Layla’s life, all the big and little milestones that had happened in his absence. In the past, I would have been bitter that he hadn’t been around but right then I just didn’t have the energy to be mad at him.
Once we were finished eating, we walked back up to the floor where Layla was. I didn’t even object when Zac reached for my hand. Something about the way he held my hand was comforting and reassuring. I didn’t want to put too much thought into what it or any of this meant for our relationship.
As we rounded the corner toward Layla’s room, Dr. Armstrong appeared. He gave us a smile and said, “Oh, I’m glad I ran into you. I was just checking on your daughter, and I think she’s good to go. Just keep an eye on her and bring her back if it flares back up, but it really shouldn’t. She’ll need another dose of Benadryl soon, and you can pick up her new antibiotics down in the pharmacy.”
“That’s great,” Zac replied, then steered me toward Layla’s room. “Come on, let’s go home.”
There was a nurse in the room getting Layla ready to go. Zac took a few long strides across the room and plucked her out of the nurse’s arms. It was almost disgustingly cute to see the two of them light up when they were reunited, but I couldn’t deny it. Layla was still just a little too young to really remember him or understand who he was, and yet…
“Dada!”
Zac’s eyes widened. “Did she just…?”
“Yup,” I replied, feeling a little like I needed to sit down. “Her first word.”
Zac just stared at me, his mouth hanging open in something that almost resembled a smile.
“She’s your first, isn’t she?” The nurse asked.
“No, it’s just… I…” Zac began, trailing off into an awkward laugh and turning back to me. “She called me Dada, Colbs. You heard it.”
I nodded weakly. I couldn’t deny it, and in that moment, I knew what I had to do when we went back to court.
After we got Layla home from the hospital, Zac decided to stay for the rest of the day just to be sure she was fine. She was, of course, and late the next afternoon Zac finally made his way back to his house. His house. It wasn’t really his, but it was still strange enough to know he was living here and not temporarily staying in a hotel. I knew this still wasn’t a permanent arrangement, but the fact that it wasn’t changing by the second made me feel better about the decision I’d made about court.
Over the next week, he made a point to pop in and visit as much as possible, even though he was still busy unpacking and moving. I wouldn’t admit how much I appreciated it, but I was reasonably certain he knew. Zac’s ego really didn’t need the boost it would get if I told him how much Layla and I enjoyed seeing him.
A week and two days later, we were back in court. It came as no surprise to anyone that the paternity test showed that Zac was, in fact, Layla’s father. That part of the whole court affair was exactly as expected.
What I didn’t expect was how distant and unattached Zac seemed. He’d spoken for himself a few times before but this time, he only spoke through his lawyer. Through that other man’s pair of lips, Zac said that he would be willing to let the entire thing go once his name was on the birth certificate and Layla’s name was legally changed to Layla Juliette Hanson. Those were, his lawyer said, Zac’s only demands.
I didn’t understand. He’d come to visit so much… he’d even practically admitted to loving me. I thought he wanted to be with me. Was he going back on that now? Or was he simply deciding to allow me to decide when he visited her? I didn’t understand. None of it seemed in keeping with what he’d said before and it went completely against what I now thought was right for us.
Sensing that I was unprepared for all of this, I suppose, the judge decided that we would make a decision about Layla’s legal name and all other details of custody and child support at a later date, after Thanksgiving. I was thankful, at least, to have time to think about all of that… and to perhaps get an answer out of Zac about just what had changed his mind.
I waited in the hallway for him, standing right across from the huge courtroom doors where I knew he wouldn’t be able to ignore me. When he walked out, he stopped in his tracks and I could practically see him arguing with himself about whether to stop and talk to me. He looked like the Zac I used to know. The Zac I hadn’t trusted. The Zac I had fallen for.
“Colby, I…” He stuttered out.
“Why?” I asked. “Why are you wimping out now? I mean, I shouldn’t be surprised, but you really had convinced me you had changed this time.”
He took a few steps closer to me, his shoulders still slumped in defeat. “It’s just, I… I don’t know if I can stay here, Colby. It’s Thanksgiving next week, and I won’t get to see my other kids. I’ve never… we’ve always made a point of being home for the holidays, and I don’t like this. I don’t know if I can do it.”
“So you’re going right back to Tulsa,” I said, adding a little softer, “right back to her.”
“I don’t know,” he repeated. “I just need some time to think. To figure out how I can give all four of my babies a father. I’ve been so consumed with being there for Layla that I know I’ve neglected the others. Hell, I moved halfway across the country without them. Maybe I’m not a good father.”
“Maybe you’re not trying hard enough.”
He shrugged. “Well, I’m trying. And I’m giving you want you wanted, aren’t I? I’m not taking her from you, I’m not demanding that you let me see her… but I will see her. I’m not leaving, I just need to try to… I don’t know, figure out some way to balance my life a little better. If that means I go back and forth between here and Tulsa, or… or… I don’t know. I just know I need to do… something.”
I held my hand up to stop him from rambling. “Just let me know when you figure it out, then.”
I hurried away before he could say anything else. When he didn’t even know what he was saying, he didn’t deserve to have the last word. I didn’t understand what had happened to him, but he’d fallen apart again and turned back into the mixed up, confused, untrustworthy boy I’d known before.
The life I’d seen myself building with him… it had vanished. I didn’t see a future with the broken down boy I’d just walked away from.