Love and Hate
A few days later, I took Layla to the appointment that the court had set up for us. I felt strangely dirty taking her there, even though the office was sterile and set up as though it were any other doctor’s office. It wasn’t really, though, and I imagined most of the women who brought their babies in to be swabbed for DNA there weren’t as privileged as I was.
And yet somehow Zac still managed to make me feel like some charity case.
I knew he didn’t mean to, but it was how I felt. He had texted, though I never replied, and assured me he was just trying to do the right thing for his daughter… for both of us. No matter how many times he said it, it still didn’t sit right with me.
“Colby Green,” a nurse said, peeking her head out the door into the waiting room.
At least she didn’t call Layla’s name, I thought to myself, as I made my way across the room and followed the nurse. The rest of the office was more sterile and like a science lab than a cozy doctor’s office. It was nothing like the pediatrician’s office I’d taken Layla to the week before, full of toys and bright colors.
The entire thing was over in a matter of minutes with just one quick swab to the inside of Layla’s cheek. I was thankful she was still too young to understand what was happening, even if it hadn’t been painful. I had no clue what the future held or how I would ever explain any of this to her, but right then, I couldn’t think about that. All I could worry about was getting through each day… and through this insane court room drama, the details of which were still fodder for the gossip rags.
I didn’t go back to work after the appointment. Layla was still feeling a little unwell, I could tell; her pediatrician visit had shown a slight ear infection but an otherwise healthy almost five month old baby. With her under the weather, I didn’t feel comfortable taking her to work or letting someone watch her. Besides, who did I have but Tobias, who wasn’t exactly a babysitter, and Avery, who was effectively on the wrong side of the war? If I took her to Avery’s, there was a chance that she would come into contact with Zac. I hated that I felt like I needed to keep her away from him, but I did, especially with his wife still hovering around, at least metaphorically. She had gone back to Tulsa, but even a million miles away she would have still been too close for comfort. In any case, I didn’t trust Zac himself, either, so once again I became a hermit, shutting myself and Layla up in the apartment.
Once we were safely home after a long bus ride during which she was more than a little fussy, I gave her a bottle and the medicine the doctor had prescribed for her ear infection, then put her down to nap. I’d only just settled in to watch some boring daytime television when my phone started buzzing and alerting me to even more texts from Zac.
Layla got swabbed today, right? How did it go? I go Thursday
It was a harmless message, but my blood still ran a little colder as I read it.
Yes. It went fine.
My reply was short and terse, but I didn’t care. How would it look if I were cooperating with him after I’d told the court he might not even be her father? It wasn’t as though I was on trial, but it felt that way.
Are u sure everything is ok? Do u need anything?
I wasn’t sure what I needed, but what I wanted was to throw my phone at the wall. I took a deep breath and typed back:
No, we’re fine. I told you we don’t need your help.
I had hoped that would be the end of the conversation, but I should have known it wouldn’t be. Only about a minute later, my phone buzzed again.
Just let me come over so we can talk. We need to talk, Colbs. About this whole mess.
I tended to disagree. I didn’t think there was anything we could say to each other that would change the situation, but I knew Zac wouldn’t take no for an answer. I sent back a quick text that simply said fine, and steeled myself for his arrival.
Taylor and Natalie’s house must not have been far from my apartment, because it was only a matter of minutes before Zac knocked on the door. Just the sound of him knocking made me nervous because it reminded me of Kate’s unexpected visit. This visit with Zac had the potential to be just as bad, I knew, and I almost didn’t want to answer the door.
But I did.
When I swung open the door, I saw Zac standing there bundled up in his leather jacket and a scarf. He looked like he was freezing, even though I didn’t think it was that cold for mid-November. I supposed he didn’t remember how cold New York could get in the winter and hadn’t readjusted to it yet.
“Can I come in?” He asked sheepishly.
I nodded and stepped back to let him in. I had no clue what to say to him at all, especially when he was being so nice… at least for the moment. Sometimes I wondered if there weren’t three or four different Zacs running around, all intent on making my life as difficult as possible, and some far, far nicer about it than others.
He stood in the middle of the living room, awkwardly unwrapping his scarf. “Umm, how’s Layla? Did the appointment go well?”
“Yeah,” I replied with a nod. “I mean, she’s okay. She’s had an ear infection for a few days. First time she’s ever been really sick. She’s napping right now, though.”
“Which means I can’t see her,” he said.
“I didn’t say that.”
“But you meant it,” Zac replied. “You obviously don’t want me to ever see her, if you’re going to such as ridiculous lengths as saying I’m not her father. I mean, you lied in court, Colby.”
I refused to meet his eyes. “It wasn’t under oath, and all I said was that I wasn’t sure.”
“Did you really get with that little asshole that soon after you left me?” Zac asked, his accusing tone making me back away from him.
“No,” I said. “And I didn’t leave you, Zac. That would imply we were together in the first place, and you know we weren’t. Not really. We were just playing, just pretending to be something we couldn’t be, not while you were still married.”
He sighed. “Well, I don’t plan to be for much longer.”
“What?”
“Married,” he replied. “I sent her back to Tulsa after I found out what she said to you. I don’t care what she threatens. It’s not right. Layla is just as much my child as Shep, Junia and Abe. I shouldn’t have to choose between them.”
“It’s not about the kids, Zac. She wants you to choose between me and her.”
Zac took a few steps closer to me, his face softening. “Who do you think I’ve chosen? Isn’t it obvious?”
I shied away from his touch at first, but he was insistent–gentle, but insistent. His hands on my arms told me everything I needed to know, as though that tattoo staring me in the face hadn’t said it all the last time I’d see him. He’d finally found something—aside from music, aside from his kids—worth branding himself for.
Me.
“Zac, I… you can’t choose me,” I said softly, but I barely even believed my own words. Wasn’t I supposed to resist this, though? Couldn’t Zac see that a relationship between us wouldn’t work, no matter how we both felt?
“Please, Colby…” he replied, the sentence trailing off as he leaned down and kissed me. Maybe that was the rest of the sentence.
As we kissed, I could hear Layla beginning to stir over the baby monitor that sat on the coffee table. It was hardly necessary in such a small apartment, but it had been yet another of Aunt Susanna’s gifts that I felt guilty for not using. As our kiss deepened, Layla began to gurgle and whimper even louder, as though she too were objecting to Zac and I being together.
When Zac finally pulled away to catch his breath, I realized that Layla was crying. He chuckled softly. “She’s going to be a singer someday, with lungs like that.”
“Probably,” I replied, smirking a little. “She comes by it naturally.”
Zac chuckled more, but then his face turned a bit quizzical. Layla’s cries were becoming more and more distressed. I realized it didn’t sound like her usual post-nap cries when she simply wanted me to know that she was awake. It didn’t sound like a hungry or wet diaper cry, either. This was something different entirely, and I felt my stomach drop to the floor as I rushed off to the bedroom to see what was causing her distress.
When I reached Layla’s crib, I gasped in horror. The cause of her distressed cries was obvious—her little body was swollen and blotchy. Her cries were growing more and more strangled, and I couldn’t tell if it was because of the sheer exertion or if she were actually having trouble breathing.
“Oh god,” I gasped out, carefully lifting her up into my arms. “This is one of those times when I really, really wish you could tell me what was wrong.”
Of course, Layla couldn’t answer me back. I rubbed her back gently, but it did nothing to soothe her. I spun around, realizing Zac had followed me and stood by the door. “Is she okay?”
“Doe she look okay?” I screeched. “Something’s wrong with our baby… look at her!”
Zac took a few steps closer and brushed back her hair from her forehead. “I see, I see.”
“God, I don’t know what’s… what’s…” I trailed off, dissolving into tears of my own. Thus far, I’d felt like a good mother, but all it took was one bad illness to make me doubt whether or not I could do this.
“Listen, you’re lucky I drove over here,” Zac said. “My truck’s parked just down the street. Get her bundled up, okay? We’ve got to get her to the hospital.”
He was so calm and collected, and it only pissed me off even more. “Obviously we do! How can you be so calm about it?”
“You said she had an ear infection, right?” Zac asked, picking up her diaper bag from the floor when it seemed obvious that I was still panicking too much to be useful.
I nodded. “Yeah, for a few days now… I thought it was getting better…”
“And it’s getting better because she’s been taking Amoxil, I bet.”
I nodded again, finally snapping back to reality and digging one of her little coats out of the dresser.
“Well, if I’m right,” Zac said, “she’s having an allergic reaction to it. Shepherd’s allergic, too, and I remember it giving him hives all over just like that.”
“Can’t you… I mean, haven’t people died from that kind of allergy?” I asked, struggling to help Zac put Layla’s arms into the sleeves of her coat.
Zac touched my shoulder softly. “She’ll be fine, but only if we get her to the hospital right away, okay? The one Ike was in that one time is near here, and they’re really good. She’ll be fine. You’ll be fine.”
I didn’t entirely believe him, but I couldn’t see that I had much choice. He was the experienced one with kids. He knew what he was doing. I had no clue. I tried not to let my awe show as I watched Zac zip around my apartment, packing Layla’s things up and fastening her into her carrier as though he’d been here for months and knew his way around.
I both hated and loved him for it, but I knew that right then, I had no one else to depend on. I dried my tears the best that I could and followed Zac out of the apartment, hoping and praying that Layla would be okay. I didn’t know what I would do if she wasn’t. I couldn’t even think about that possibility.