Out of Tears
I had less than a month to prepare for the court date. The way I felt, I didn’t think even a year would be long enough to prepare me for it. Even though I had spent plenty of time on the phone and even visiting in person with one of the other lawyers at dad’s firm, who I’d always referred to as Uncle Todd, it was all just too much for me to process.
The month flew by, of course, that big red date on my calendar drawing closer and closer until I woke up and somehow it was the very next day. I had taken the entire week off work because I was overwhelmed and had fallen back into the routine of being a hermit like I’d been just after Layla was born. I knew Zac, Taylor and Natalie were in New York, so I didn’t even feel comfortable going to see Avery or letting her come visit. She understood, I thought, but I knew she hated being in the middle of this thing between me and Zac.
Because I was such a hermit, it surprised me to hear a knock on my apartment door not long after I’d put Layla down for her post-lunch nap. Everyone I knew was either at work or in class, so I had absolutely no idea who it could have been… except perhaps Zac. As I scurried to answer their insistent knock, I hoped I was wrong about that.
As I swung the door open, I saw that I was. The reality was even worse than that. It was Kate.
“How did you… why… what…?” I gasped out, finding myself incapable of being coherent.
“I’m not stupid,” she replied. “And I came to New York to help my best friend move, of course. And say goodbye to her.”
“You’re not here with Zac?”
Kate scoffed. “Please. I’m here, as in here at your apartment, for him. But no, I didn’t come here with him. I’m sure he would have preferred if I’d stayed away from him entirely.”
“Then why…?” I hated sounding so stupid when I spoke to her, but I didn’t understand her presence here at all, and even all the words she was saying didn’t clarify anything.
“I’m here,” she said slowly as though she were talking to an idiot, “because of this moronic court case.”
“Okay…” I replied, crossing my arms over my chest. There was no way I was letting her into my apartment or near my daughter, I decided.
Kate stared me down. “If you let him go through with this, you’ll be ruining his life. It’s only a matter of time before his fans find out about your little lovechild. Do you really want to drag his name through the mud like that?”
“He’s the one taking it to court,” I said. “If it gets out, it’s his fault, not mine.”
“Is it his fault you spread your legs for him?”
“That’s not… I didn’t say that,” I stuttered out. “Believe me, I’m aware that it took both of us to… to make Layla.”
“And ruin his marriage, his family and his entire life,” she added.
I shook my head. “No. No, what happens between the two of you is just that. Between the two of you. I can’t help my feelings, but Zac was there, too. Zac made his own choices.”
“He did,” Kate replied, nodding. “And the one he’s making now is the stupidest of all. If you care about him at all, you’ll find some way to stop this. I don’t care how you do it. But if you don’t want to ruin his life any more, then you’ll keep this baby out of it.”
I stared at her for a moment, trying to judge whether or not I really thought she was being that selfless and thinking only of Zac. Somehow, I just didn’t buy it. “And then what? Then he goes back to you now that there isn’t that annoying little bastard child problem to deal with?”
“Listen,” Kate hissed, leaning down. “You’ll do what I say. Don’t you see what you’re doing, letting him think he can play house with you? He can’t. It won’t work.”
“Why not?” I asked stubbornly, even though I wasn’t sure that was what I even wanted from him.
Kate smirked and crossed her arms over her chest. “What makes you think he won’t do to you what he did to me?”
“What, love me in spite of all the evidence that he shouldn’t?” I blurted out, not even thinking about what I had said.
Once the words left my mouth, I knew they were true. If I’d had any doubt, it vanished the second I saw Kate’s face fall. She knew it, too. She knew she’d lost her husband and this was her last effort to win him back.
Kate shook her head and tried to compose herself. “It’s so cute how you think you know my husband better than I do. And even if we are separated right now, that’s still what he is. Mine. I’ll be the one picking up the pieces after this court crap, and when that happens, I can promise, I will make your life and your little bastard child’s life hell.”
She stormed off then before I could say anything in reply. I didn’t have any words for her, anyway. I had no doubt she would do exactly what she promised. Just what that would entail, I couldn’t even begin to imagine.
While I was still reeling from what Kate had said and her reaction to my thoughtless words that I wasn’t totally sure I believed, I heard my phone begin to ring from my bedroom. I scurried off to answer it, glancing in Layla’s crib to make sure she was still napping before finally finding my phone in the folds of my comforter.
“Hello?” I said.
“Colby,” Avery said. She sounded calm, but like she was purposely trying to sound calm. “Are you sitting down?”
“Are you ridiculously cliché? Who actually says that, Ave? Whatever it is, it can’t possibly be worse than what just happened.”
“Oh, it can be,” she replied. “Trust me. So yes, you need to sit down or hold onto something or something.”
“Just spit it out.”
“You’re on TMZ.”
My vision actually faded out for a second, and I grasped the side of Layla’s crib to steady myself. “I’m sorry, I’m what? It sounded like you said I was on TMZ, and that can’t possibly be true. Famous people are on TMZ. Not me.”
“Famous people and their baby mamas,” Avery said. “Look, I don’t know how it happened, although I could guess, but someone at TMZ has a copy of your summons. They’re talking about the case. They haven’t said you’re due in court tomorrow, so you should be safe, but—“
“Safe? I should be safe?! What the hell, Avery!”
“I don’t mean it like that,” she replied, sighing softly. “It’s just, you know, fans could show up. And you know they’ll twist this around to make you seem like the bad guy.”
“Everybody does,” I said, not bothering to mention that Avery herself had done just that a few months ago. It seemed like years ago, and it really didn’t matter anymore.
Avery sighed again. “Anyway, I just thought you needed to know. You need to be prepared. This is the kind of thing that happens when you’re part of Zac’s world, you know. I know you’ve dealt with the fans before, but this is… this is really different. And I’m not scolding you or anything, I just wanted to give you some time to deal with this.”
“How, exactly, does one deal with shit like this?” I asked.
“If you’re a Hanson, usually with alcohol.”
I didn’t bother pointing out to Avery that I was pretty sure alcohol was part of what got us into this situation in the first place. Instead, I just thanked her for telling me, hung up the phone, then collapsed onto my bed. I wanted to cry. I felt like crying. But the tears wouldn’t come. I simply lay there staring at the ceiling and listened to Layla babbling in her sleep. After a year in this hell, I supposed I was out of tears.
The next day, I woke up with that awful nausea in the pit of my stomach that had caused me to nearly back out of so many important performances over the years. But I couldn’t back out of this. I couldn’t just not show up in court. I forced myself into the shower, dressed in one of the ridiculous suits I’d had to wear for those performances—luckily it was from an upward weight fluctuation—and took Layla over to Tobias’ apartment to spend the day with him.
Then there was no reason to delay. I had to go to court.
I had imagined myself walking in to a sea of judgmental Hansons—or worse, their fans–staring at me, but I didn’t. It was only Zac, pacing the corridor and smelling like cigarette smoke. Even before I got within a yard of him, I could smell it. He gave me a weak smile that I couldn’t return.
“Colby… I’m so sorry I had to do it this way,” he said.
I stopped in my tracks. “What do you mean?”
Zac tilted his head to the side, looking slightly confused. “I… well, this was the only legal way, since I wasn’t at the hospital. I know it’s a big hassle, but it’s really just the paperwork.”
“It’s not just paperwork, Zac,” I replied. “It’s lawyers and court fees and all kinds of legal… stuff.”
“But it’s good, isn’t it?” He asked. “It’s a good thing. I want Layla to know I’m there for her. This is like… a symbol, I guess. A way for me to give her, and you, my word.”
“Yeah,” I choked out. “It’s good.”
I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t tell him I was going to reject his demands. I couldn’t dash his hopes when he seemed so positive that this could work. How could he be so clueless? I didn’t understand it, but I knew that I couldn’t put a stop to it and break his heart.
Uncle Todd, better known as Todd McClaren, Attorney at Law, knew my plan to deny Zac was the father. He had assured me it only would buy me time, but it was my only option other than acquiescing to Zac’s wishes. I couldn’t very well prove that he was an unfit father. All I could do was hope to buy myself time to convince him to give up this suit.
I let Uncle Todd do the talking for me, as though that would somehow lessen the blow. I could still feel, without even daring to look his way, Zac’s shock and hurt when I was forced to say that I wasn’t positive he was the father. That much I had to say myself, since the judge addressed that question directly to me. I didn’t dare look Zac’s way for the rest of the time we were in the courtroom.
Since I wasn’t the one trying to make a deadbeat father pay up, the judge really wasn’t concerned with who I thought might be the father. I hated lying like that, even if it wasn’t under oath, but Uncle Todd said it was a viable delaying tactic. To create doubt. Besides, it was my only option besides just rolling over and letting Zac’s estranged wife ruin our lives.
Once the judge had ordered a paternity test and set a date for us to discuss the results, there was nothing else left to say or do. That was it. My first day in court, however painful, was over.
I tried to rush out of the courtroom, but Zac caught me by the arm before I could make it out the door and onto the huge steps leading down to the street.
“What the fuck was that?!” He screeched.
I shrugged myself out of his grasp. “Saving both our asses.”
“From what?” He asked. “Don’t you want me to be there for Layla? I thought… I thought that was what you wanted. For me to keep a promise. And I intend to.”
“It won’t work, Zac,” I replied. “You can’t… I mean, hell, you’re still married. You really think you can be a father in the way she needs?”
“I can still provide for her,” he said. “I’m not some deadbeat, as much as you and Kate like to treat me like one.”
I rolled my eyes angrily. “Layla and I don’t need your damn money, Zac. If I cared about that, I probably wouldn’t have tried to keep her a secret in the first place. In case you’ve forgotten, my parents weren’t exactly poor. They left me plenty of money, not to mention what the life insurance paid out. I’m not some fucking charity case.”
Zac backed away from me a little. “I didn’t… I didn’t say you were.”
“Well, you’re damn sure implying it.”
“Why do you suddenly think it’s such an awful thing for me to be here? For me to be in her life? What changed?” He asked, his lip quivering like he might actually cry.
I couldn’t tell him the truth. If I did, I knew he would only run off to his wife and say or do something stupid. So I just shook my head and said, “You know I always thought it was a bad idea. That would be why I never wanted you to know. It would be better for all of us if you just forgot that you ever knew Layla existed and was yours.”
That was the wrong thing to say, and I knew it as soon as the words left my mouth. Zac stepped closer to me again, the look on his face changing.
“She got to you, didn’t she?” He asked. “I knew that bitch had ulterior motives for coming to New York. What did she say, Colbs?”
I shook my head weakly. “N-nothing… just… just that I should keep Layla away from you. That it would be better for all of us if I did, and she had a point, Zac. You cheated. Layla’s proof of that. Do you really want the world to know that? Oh, but wait–they already do. You know this shit leaked to TMZ, right? We’re not your dirty secret anymore.”
“I don’t care,” he replied with such casualness that I knew he wasn’t lying. “So I did a bad thing. But Layla came of it, and she isn’t a bad thing at all. I don’t regret it.”
“You probably should,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.
“Too bad.” He shrugged again. “So what are you going to do when the results come back and I’m the father?”
“Are you so sure that you are?” I shot back almost teasingly.
His eyes flashed with anger for a second, then he smirked. “Layla’s my baby. I know she is.”
I nodded. “Yeah… I was kind of hoping I could talk you into just dropping this whole thing before it came to that.”
“I’m not dropping it. I’m not dropping her… and I’m not dropping you.”
I let him press a soft kiss to my forehead then and didn’t ask him what he meant when he said he wasn’t dropping me. I had a feeling I already knew.