Let Me Go
Get me out,
Get me in,
I gave you everything I could give.
You try to take,
And you try to make, take all everything you can.
Even though I felt my appetite fading away, I did my best to finish eating lunch with Taylor. We made small talk about Layla, my job, what I’d done since leaving the tour… we talked about anything and everything but the elephant in the room. The elephant who happened to be his little brother.
Just as Taylor had predicted, Zac didn’t return to the restaurant at all. I hadn’t expected him to, either. I knew he would be in New York for a few days more, unless he decided to catch an earlier flight home. If he did, though, he would likely still have to return to my apartment for his things. But I knew that now that Kate had him under her thumb again, he wouldn’t be back for anything more than that.
Once again, he and I were over before we’d even begun.
I could still feel Taylor delaying, ordering more and more coffee just in case Zac did eventually find his way back, but finally we both had to accept that he wasn’t going to. Taylor paid the entire check in spite of my protests, and walked me to the door. Once we were outside, he pulled me closer and gave me a one armed hug.
“I’m really sorry about today,” he said. “I knew Natalie felt like she would be… betraying her best friend, in a way, if she came with me. But I didn’t expect her to tell the bitch.”
I shook my head. “Don’t blame her. Don’t even blame Kate. Zac could choose not to let her control his every move… but he won’t.”
“Yeah, yeah… I know,” Taylor replied, nodding. With a slight smirk, he added, “You know, it’s funny. I accused you of being the foolish one for getting so involved with him, and now he’s the one falling apart and ruining his own life. I know he’s hurting, but he’s making things even worse.”
“But all he does is act like everyone has wronged him,” I said.
“He’ll come to his senses… somehow,” Taylor replied.
I wasn’t so certain, but I wanted to believe that Taylor was right. I gave him another hug and said goodbye, not knowing when I would see him again. If it was just going to cause drama with his wife and her best friend, I didn’t think it would be a good idea to make any plans with him. I hated it, though.
But if you go so easily,
Go on, get out, set me free.
But I will wait, and I will want, wait ’til the day you’re back again.
Even though I doubted there was any reason to, I hurried back to my apartment once I parted ways with Taylor. There was a voice at the back of my mind telling me I needed to be there in case Zac came back. It was only a tiny voice, nearly drowned out by the louder voice telling me that he would always go back to his wife in the end and I was stupid to ever expect him to choose me over her.
I was disappointed but unsurprised to find my apartment empty. The quiet was unnerving, but Layla soon filled it with her hungry cries. I wasn’t so sure I was the kind of woman who could just whip them out and breastfeed in public, so I knew it was definitely time to give Layla her next meal. I settled into the couch with her, hating that I instinctively positioned myself by the door just in case Zac returned.
He didn’t.
For hours and hours I sat with Layla and waited, but Zac did not return. I tried to think of anything else to talk to Layla about, not because I thought she could really understand it, but because I needed the distraction myself. I found myself intensely interested in some channel that played twenty four hour children’s shows. I ate a pathetic dinner of frozen chicken nuggets and French fries. All the while, I had my fingers metaphorically crossed that Zac would return soon.
It wasn’t until I had washed and put away the dishes I dirtied cooking dinner than there finally came a knock at the door. I had no doubt at all that it was Zac, but it still surprised me to hear it. I rushed to answer it, and the sight made my heart drop to the floor.
His hair hung limply, a lot of it having fallen out of the ponytail he’d put it in that morning, and his eyes were red and watery. I could smell alcohol and cigarette smoke on him without even getting close or taking a deep breath. I didn’t fully understand how he’d gone downhill so far in just a few hours. How could one phone call destroy him like that? What the hell sort of power did this woman have over him?
Let me out,
Let me in,
I’ve giving up, not giving in.
‘Cause together we are not one, we are nothing.
We’re holding on, and on.
“Zac,” I gasped out. “What the hell are you doing here… like this.”
“Like what?” He spat back, but his face looked completely blank, like he really didn’t see the problem in showing up at my apartment shitfaced.
“In case you’ve forgotten, your baby daughter is here. And you are completely trashed. You stink. You’re barely standing up. I’m not letting you near her like this.”
“She’s a baby,” he said. “She won’t know the difference.”
I gaped at him. “Are you fucking kidding me? It’s not even about that. You’re in no shape to be holding her, taking care of her… breathing your nasty cigarette breath on her. It’s not happening, Zac.”
He sighed heavily. “Just let me come in. At least let me get my stuff.”
“Figures that’s all you wanted,” I mumbled, stepping back to let him in. “I knew you were just going to run away again.”
“What the hell am I supposed to do?” He asked.
I followed him into my bedroom, watching as he began throwing his belongings into his backpack. “I don’t know, Zac. Stand up to her! Grow some balls. Realize that you’re not gaining anything by letting her push you around and dictate your every move.”
“And what, exactly, do you want me to do, then? Be with you?” He asked. “Thought you weren’t ever going to ask that of me.”
“Did you hear me ask? You’re the one who showed up here talking about our little family, sporting some damn tattoo that’s clearly—”
Zac spun around and eyed me angrily. “It’s for our daughter. Don’t assume anything else.”
“Believe me, I’m never going to assume you have any real feelings for me,” I replied, rolling my eyes in spite of the fact that I wanted to cry.
Together now, forever then.
But go ahead, don’t you let me in.
But I will wait, and I will want.
Wait ’til the day you’re back again.
I watched in silence as Zac finished packing up his things. I was thankful that Layla had been tuckered out enough after her last meal that she slept through our argument. Of course Zac had to go and wake her up before he left. He crossed the room to her crib before I could stop him and took one of her tiny hands in his. I watched as her eyes fluttered open, and even though I knew she couldn’t really recognize him yet, the way she looked up at him broke my heart.
“I’m sorry, baby,” he whispered, then leaned down and kissed her forehead. He turned to me then, tears pooling in his eyes. “And I’m sorry to you, too. I don’t know… I don’t know how to make any of this right, Colby.”
“I don’t think going back to her is the way to do it,” I replied softly.
“Maybe not,” he replied with a shrug. “I’m just… I don’t know what to do. Why can’t I just fix this?”
“Maybe it can’t be fixed.”
“Maybe not,” he replied, adjusting his backpack on his shoulders. “I don’t know… and I don’t know when I’ll be back.”
“Or if you’ll be back,” I said. “I mean, you know if she has her way… you’ll never come back here.”
Zac stepped in closer to me. “I wouldn’t do that. I couldn’t do that. I won’t let her keep me away from our baby.”
I refused to meet his sad eyes. “But you’ll let her keep you away from me. Which is what you know this is really about. Layla’s just collateral damage.”
He wrapped his arms tightly around me, practically knocking all the breath from my body, and rested his chin on top of my head. “I won’t let her do that, either. You know I… can’t stay away from you. I’ve tried.”
Let me go.
You know I’m not one for leaving.
Let me go.
You know that I’m nothing without your love, no.
You know I’m nothing without your love, no.
‘Cause you know that I’m not one for leaving,
No, I’m not one for leaving
“Yeah, well, maybe not hard enough,” I mumbled against his chest.
Zac pulled back and stared at me for a moment. I knew what came next and I hated that I couldn’t decide if I wanted it. Not like that. Not when his lips tasted like smoke and vodka. But even then I couldn’t truly resist him. I let him kiss me, and I kissed him back with more passion than we’d kissed during this entire visit. Experience told me that it could be months before I saw him again, and I wanted this to last if it was going to be the last chance we had. I wanted this kiss, as alcohol-laced as it was, to be burned into his memory.
When he tried to convince himself he was happy with his wife, I wanted him to remember this moment.
Finally he pulled back, breathless, and stared at me for a moment more. I couldn’t read his glassy eyes at all, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask what he was thinking. After a moment he sighed and pulled back, letting his arms fall back to his sides.
“I’m sorry, Colbs,” he said.
“Yeah,” I replied, crossing my arms over my chest. “I’m sorry, too. And Layla’s going to be sorry when she realizes you chose your other kids over her.”
It was a low blow and I knew it, but I was running out of patience. I was tired of acting like I had no right to want and need Zac in my life. I might not have been his wife, but I had a claim on him too. I knew I did. I could see it in the way he looked at me, even if he was refusing to admit it.
“That’s not fair,” he said, his voice low.
I shrugged. “You think she’s going to understand why Daddy’s gone? She’s just a baby. Maybe you’re hoping she won’t even remember you.”
“You know that’s not true,” he said, stepping in closer to me again, looking like he was almost angry enough to hit me.
“I don’t know, Zac! I don’t understand you at all. You just want to play the victim and keep running back to the woman who makes you one. That’s all I know.”
“That’s not fair, either,” he replied, but I could see his anger fading and being replaced with resignation… and agreement. “I just… I need to go this time. But I will be back, Colby. I promise.”
“Didn’t I tell you once not to promise me anything?” I asked.
“Yeah, well… that’s a promise I can keep.”
“Just go,” I said. “Just go. Get out of my apartment.”
The words were harsher than I wanted to be when he looked so close to breaking, but it had to be. I couldn’t let him make promises and convince me he really could and would stay. It didn’t matter how he felt about me. His feelings for me clearly had no bearing on how he acted.
With a sad little nod, he turned and walked out of the room. I didn’t follow him. Seconds later, the apartment door slammed shut. Right on cue, Layla began to cry.
But I’ll go on believing, hey, I’ll go on believing.
And I’m not one for leaving, no, I’m not for leaving,
No, I’m not one for leaving, no, I’m not one for leaving.
So let me go.