Blackbird
As much as I wanted to spend every moment of every day just sitting in the apartment with Layla, getting to know her, it wasn’t exactly practical. Tobias and Avery were as helpful as they could be, but eventually there came a day when neither of them could come to my rescue and I realized I was dangerously low on any food other than breast milk.
Even though it was a short walk to the grocery store, it was a huge production to get myself and Layla ready. I took my time packing everything she could possibly need for an hour or so away from home. It was the first time the two of us had actually left the apartment since returning from the hospital and I was a little terrified, most likely for no reason at all. But I wanted to be absolutely prepared for every possibility. I read the directions three times on the fancy baby carrier Jaclyn had bought me before I was finally confident that Layla was as secure against my chest as she could be possibly be.
When there was nothing else I could do to delay, the two of us finally ventured out into the big scary world.
Grocery shopping with a baby strapped to my chest was an adventure. I had expected more of the judgment I’d gotten during my pregnancy, but surprisingly little came. Evidently the cute baby distracted people from my age and appearance.
As we made our way up and down the aisles, I piled down the cart and kept up a steady, one sided conversation with Layla. I didn’t care that she couldn’t really understand me yet, I still told her all about the goodies I was buying, all the foods I would cook for myself that she would reap the benefits of, too.
Once I’d filled the cart with as much as I thought I could carry, I steered it to the front of the store and lined up. There was a long line and I found myself reading the gossip magazine headlines just to pass the time. Those things had never interested me. Celebrity marriages, divorces, the royal baby… who cared about all that crap?
“It’s a good thing your daddy isn’t in one of these,” I mumbled to Layla.
Something strange that felt designed to torture me had happened over the last few months. Hanson had become popular again. It was nothing like their past popularity, but it was enough that I saw Zac’s face and heard his voice far, far more often than I would have liked. Yet despite Avery’s claims about his mental state, and despite the potential I had to bring him down, he never showed up in the gossip rags. Whenever I did see his face on television or on some glossy magazine cover, he was smiling and seemingly carefree. I didn’t have it in me to inspect his eyes closely enough to see if it was an act.
Finally, the line moved and I was able to pry my eyes away from the magazine rack. I leaned over Layla to start placing my groceries on the counter.
“Oh, she’s precious!” The cashier, an older woman whose nametag identified her as Marcia, practically squealed. “And so tiny! How old is she?”
“Just two and a half weeks,” I replied. “It’s not very exciting, but this is her first little trip outside.”
“Well, she certainly seems to be enjoying herself,” Marcia said, reaching out to ruffle Layla’s thick, dark hair.
I resisted the instinct to pull back, especially when I saw that Layla didn’t mind. She just giggled. It wasn’t her I wanted to protect, I realized. It was myself, Zac and our awful secret. It was as if I thought anyone who looked at Layla could see the truth of the indiscretion that led to her existence.
While she rang up my groceries, I answered the rest of Marcia’s questions. None of them were too probing, but I still felt myself drawing in and longing to be away from her as quickly as possible. Finally, I hefted up my canvas shopping bags that were practically bursting at the seams and scurried out of the grocery store.
Two weeks. I was just two weeks into this, and already I felt overwhelmed. I could handle the small things—feeding her, changing her, getting her to sleep peacefully. She was what I supposed others would have called an easy baby. If she’d inherited her father’s temper, it hadn’t really reared its head yet.
It was everything outside of our front door that terrified me.
I couldn’t control how the world saw us and judged us. I couldn’t avoid all of their questions. If, god forbid, the truth came out, I wouldn’t be able to avoid any of the scandal. Eventually I knew I would have to leave my apartment again, but the fear and uncertainty that it brought made me want to just stay locked up there until Layla turned eighteen.
All those thoughts had me walking so quickly back to the apartment building that I was barely aware of my surroundings at all. But I could have spotted him in any crowd, even as different as he looked right then. From just a few yards away, I was certain of who it was pacing back and forth in front of the apartment building’s front door.
Zac.
His head was down and it didn’t look like he had washed his hair in quite some time. His clothes were wrinkled and disheveled, and he just looked… beaten down. He didn’t look anything like the Zac I knew who tried so hard to seem ten feet tall and bulletproof. In fact, he looked like he might collapse just under the weight of the backpack he wore.
When he turned to face me, I saw the next change. Another tattoo. A large black feather, bursting and turning into a flock of tiny black birds that flew up his left arm, disappearing into the sleeve of his t-shirt. Instantly, I knew the meaning. It was right there on my own left arm.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
I gasped at the realization and froze on the spot. Zac froze too. I forced my eyes away from his tattoo, but his were focused on my chest. On Layla. He closed the distance between us quickly, but paused just a foot from me.
“Is that… that’s my…?”
I nodded.
“Let me…” he said, but instead of reaching for Layla, he grabbed the bags from my arms. With a sheepish look on his face, he added, “I, umm, I couldn’t remember which apartment was yours. So I’ve just been… waiting. I guess it was a good thing I was.”
“I guess it was,” I mumbled, veering around him to lead the way up to my apartment.
There was no doubt in my mind that I was making a mistake by allowing Zac back into my apartment and into my life. But Layla deserved to have him in her life, for however long he chose to be in it. That thought was the only thing that kept me moving and kept me from escorting him right back out the door once he’d carried my groceries inside.
Neither of us spoke as we worked to put away the groceries. I kept Layla strapped to me because I wasn’t ready to let go of her yet, but I knew that once we’d emptied all the grocery bags, I would have no excuse to keep stalling. Sure enough, once we did, Zac just stood in front of me, looking almost hesitant and scared.
I sighed. “Here, just… just hold onto her while I unstrap this thingy.”
Zac nodded and I felt his hands slip underneath her, brushing against my chest. I undid the latches that held the carrier in place. As I did, Zac carefully slipped her out and cradled her against his chest. He was an old hand at this, I had to remind myself. Babies weren’t anything new to him at all, but he still held Layla like a fragile porcelain doll, like he almost wasn’t convinced she was real.
“I got my wish,” he said softly. “She’s just as beautiful as you.”
“Your eyes, though,” I replied.
“Maybe…” he said. “What’s her name?”
“Layla. Layla Juliette.”
Zac glanced up at me and smiled, then looked back down at Layla and took her tiny hand in his as if he were shaking it. “Hi, Layla. You can call me Daddy.”
I was clearly about to overdose on motherly hormones, because I found the entire exchange too adorable to call Zac out on the fact that he probably wouldn’t be around when Layla actually was capable of calling him anything. For the moment, it was just too cute and sweet for me to be angry with him.
“Can you believe we made this?” He asked, glancing up at me as he rocked her gently.
I just barely resisted the urge to roll my eyes. “Zac, you’ve done this before. It’s biology. Genetics. You know how this works.”
“I know, but… look at her, Colbs. She’s ours. We did that.”
I couldn’t argue with the wonder in his voice. Even though he had three other kids, this was my first, and I did understand what he meant. Layla was a tiny little miracle, and it seemed impossible that something so perfect could come out of such an awful situation. But she had.
As Zac continued rocking Layla and talking softly to her, I decided this was a moment they should have alone. He was so wrapped up in her that he didn’t even seem to notice me walking away. I crept into my bedroom and closed the door almost all the way before pulling out my cell phone and dialing the first person I thought of.
“Hello?” Avery said after a couple rings.
“Your brother is here,” I said.
“I know, he and Natalie are coming to pick me up to get lunch soon. How did you know?”
“Not that brother,” I replied.
There was a slight pause. “Oh. Oh, they said Zac had other plans. I guess I should have known, but I didn’t think he would… I mean, they practically just landed…”
“But you knew he was going to be here,” I accused.
“I didn’t know know, but I assumed. I mean, of course he would want to see her, Colby. Layla’s his daughter. He deserves to see her.”
I sighed. “I’m not saying he doesn’t, I just don’t understand at all.”
“So maybe you should talk to him,” she replied. “Really talk to him, not at him, and try not to argue. I know how you—both of you—can be.”
“Yeah. Maybe,” I mumbled.
We said goodbye not long after that, because there was nothing else either of us could really say. Of course Avery would be able to see Zac’s side; he was her brother, after all. In spite of myself, I could feel my heart softening toward him. I wasn’t willing to trust him, yet, but for Layla’s sake, I would give him this little chance.
I tucked my phone back into my pocket and headed back to the living room. Zac had settled down onto the couch, I found. Layla was curled up on his chest and they were both asleep. I brushed back his hair and he stirred slightly, but didn’t wake. Laying there together, the resemblance between the two of them was obvious, and amazingly so was the bond. It was so new, and I was so afraid of Zac breaking it, but right then, I didn’t know how I thought I could have ever tried to keep it from forming.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.