In My Arms Tonight
Once the door had slammed behind Asher, I turned back to Zac, prepared to yell at him for ruining everything, but when I saw that his face wasn’t smug as I’d expected it to be, I couldn’t. He looked… almost sad. Apologetic. He held his arms out to me and I collapsed into them, not crying but my chest still heaving like tears might start to fall at any moment.
The more I thought about what had just happened, the angrier I became. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fucking fair that I couldn’t have something good in my life, and this time, I wasn’t to blame. This time it was Zac’s fault. I wrenched myself out of his arms and shoved him away from me.
“What the fuck was that for?” He cried.
“What do you think?” I screamed back. “You just chased my boyfriend away! Why would you do that? What the hell do you have to gain from that?”
“He wasn’t right for you, Colby. You know that, whether you want to admit it or not.”
“But that was my decision to make, not yours!” I shot back.
“Colby,” Zac sighed out. “He left. I’m not saying I didn’t give him the final push he needed, but he chose to leave. If he left then, he could have left any other time. It’s better to get him out of the picture now than have to explain to your daughter why her ‘daddy’ isn’t here anymore.”
I sneered at the way he drew quotation marks around the word daddy. “And what about her real daddy, Zac? How do I explain her to why he’s never been here?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted, his brow furrowing. “I don’t know. I’m not… it’s not that I don’t want to be here. With her. With you.”
“But it’s not that simple,” I finished for him, lacing the words with more than a little sarcasm.
He threw up his hands. “What do you want me to do? Leave my wife and my other kids?”
“I still don’t have any right to do that,” I replied, shaking my head. “Not even now. I told you before not to make any promises to me that you couldn’t keep, and it’s seeming more and more like there aren’t any that you can.”
“So what then? I asked you on tour what you wanted from me because I didn’t know then, and I don’t know now.”
I sighed. “I just want… I don’t know, to be able to trust you? If you’re going to really be in this baby’s life, then be in it. I’m not saying all the time, because obviously you aren’t going to leave your family, but… when you can. I don’t want to wonder when you leave if you’re coming back. Because if I have to wonder, if she has to wonder, then you might as well not ever be here at all.”
“Okay,” Zac replied, nodding. He took a hesitant step toward me. “I want to be here. I’m doing my best to be here. That’s why I’m here now. Not just to chase that little boy off. That was just a bonus.”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re here now, but actions speak louder than words, Zac. And like you just said, you chased my boyfriend off, so I’m not exactly happy about your actions right now.”
Zac closed the distance between us and brushed my hair out of my face. “I’m sorry, Colbs. I just… I just know you’re better off without him. You know you are. Better off not complicating this whole thing more than it already is.”
“It’s still not up to you to decide,” I mumbled, trying to ignore the stupid butterflies I got every time Zac touched me.
“No, and I’m sorry for that. If he comes back, then I’ll admit I was wrong, but… I really don’t think he will.”
“Maybe you’re right,” I admitted, the words mumbled so much that if it weren’t for Zac’s little smile, I wouldn’t have been sure he’d even heard me.
But he had, and he smiled more as he leaned down to kiss me again. I was still angry, but I couldn’t resist his kiss. I had never been able to. I let him nudge me back against the counter, kissing me more and more deeply.
“The bedroom,” he mumbled against my lips. “Which way is it?”
I should have refused him, but I couldn’t. Asher and I hadn’t had sex for weeks, something I blamed on my ever-growing stomach. Zac didn’t seem to care, and that made it difficult for me to resist him. I took his hand and pulled him down the hall to my bedroom, hoping he could ignore the fact that some of Asher’s clothes were still scattered around the room. I brushed some clothes off the bed and sat awkwardly on the edge of it.
Zac sat down next to me and brushed my hair back. “We don’t… have to do anything. Not if you’re not feeling up to it or whatever.”
I shook my head. “No, it’s fine, it’s just… it’s a little weird.”
“I know, baby,” Zac replied, chuckling. He pressed a soft kiss to my jaw. “Just relax, it’ll be fine.”
We kissed just like that, sitting on the edge of the bed. Zac kicked his shoes and socks off into the floor and I did the same. Slowly, carefully, he eased me back onto the bed, peppering my body with kisses while he peeled off my clothes. Once he’d stripped me down to my underwear, he sat up and removed his own clothes as well. The tattoo on his arm took me by surprise, even though I knew it was there. The last time I’d seen him, it had been covered by a dress shirt, and before that, it had hardly even been healed. Now it looked like it had been a part of him for years.
“Come on,” Zac said softly, pulling me toward him as he positioned himself back against my pillows.
I felt myself blushing all over as I took off my underwear and climbed on top of Zac. It was obvious that was where he wanted me, and I knew that would be more comfortable, but it was strange to have his eyes on my body, especially the way it looked right then.
Zac grasped my hips and pulled me closer to him. Softly, he said, “It’s okay, sweetheart.”
I nodded, but I was still blushing. With Zac’s hands to help guide me into position, I carefully lowered myself onto him. Six months had been long enough for me to nearly forget what he felt like, but the second he entered me, I remembered. With everything that was so wrong about being with him, it somehow always felt so right when we were together like that.
Zac kept his hands on my hips at first, helping me to find a rhythm that felt right. Once I settled in, he let his hands wander. They didn’t spend too long on my stomach, thankfully. He let them creep up my sides, curving over my breasts and pinching my nipples. My head fell back and I moaned loudly at that, unsure whether I was just that much more sensitive than usual or if it was Zac to blame.
Because of the position, I didn’t last very long. I held Zac’s hands tightly as I came, struggling to keep my balance as I did. He thrust up into me, his pace growing faster and faster, until I felt him fill me up.
It took nearly all of my strength to roll off him, and I hated how stupid and uncoordinated I must have looked. I tried not to think about the fact that none of this was new to Zac; I didn’t need to ruin the moment with thoughts of his wife. She crept into my thoughts before I could stop her, though, and I hurried gathered up my clothes and shuffled to the bathroom before I could do something really stupid like start crying in front of Zac.
When I returned to the bedroom, Zac had redressed and was sitting up against the headboard, looking perfectly at home. My first instinct was to crawl into bed next to him, but before I could, I felt my stomach growling.
“Hungry?” Zac asked. “Work up an appetite?”
I rolled my eyes. “I am so too lazy to cook tonight, though. Would you judge me if I just have a bowl of ice cream?”
He grinned. “Not at all. If you bring me a bowl, that is.”
“Chocolate chip cookie dough?” I asked as I started pulling my clothes back on.
“Yes, please,” he replied, still grinning.
I returned to the room again a few moments later with two bowls of ice cream and two spoons, and Zac didn’t look like he’d moved an inch. He smiled even bigger when I handed him his ice cream, and I was positive I had no defenses left at all. It didn’t matter how angry Zac made me. When he smiled, nothing else in the world mattered to me.
We ate our ice cream in silence, but that silence was disturbed by his cell phone ringing. I didn’t recognize the song, but judging by the way Zac growled, I could guess who that particular ring tone belonged to. He wiggled the phone out of his pocket and and rejected the call before I could look at the screen and confirm my suspicions.
“Didn’t want to chat?” I asked.
“No,” he practically snapped. “In fact, I might as well just turn the damn thing off. She’s just going to keep calling until I go back.”
“And when are you going back?” I asked, hating myself as soon as the question left my mouth.
Zac sat his ice cream bowl to the side and snuggled up next to me. “If I had it my way, never.”
“Don’t say that,” I replied. “You don’t mean that.”
“Just let me stay tonight,” he whined.
I sighed heavily, but we both knew I couldn’t really argue with him. If he wanted to stay, for however long, I would let him. When he started to pout, I said, “Okay, okay. You can stay.”
Zac grinned and kissed the top of my head. “Thanks, Colbs. I did miss you, you know.”
“I missed you too,” I replied softly.
Zac volunteered to take our ice cream bowls to the kitchen, and while he was gone I turned off the light and settled into bed. When he returned, he climbed into bed next to me and wrapped his arms around me. We hadn’t had the luxury of spending an entire night together many times during the tour, and I knew we shouldn’t have it right then, but it felt so right. Our bodies fit together so easily that I couldn’t have resisted indulging and letting him stay.
“Hey, Colbs,” he whispered just as I was starting to drift off.
“Hmm?”
“It’s just… I just wanted to tell you that you’re beautiful, that’s all.”
I scoffed. “Zac, I am a beached whale with stretch marks.”
“You’re beautiful,” he replied. “And if she’s lucky, our baby girl is going to look just like you.”
I rested my head on his chest and laughed softly. “I wouldn’t mind if she looked like you.”
“Mmm, well maybe like me but with your little nose instead?” He suggested, trailing his finger down my nose and across my cheek. It came to rest in my hair. “And this brown hair, which I’m guessing is your natural color…”
“Yeah, it is,” I replied. “I got lazy, so…”
“I like it,” Zac said. “But you’re beautiful either way.”
“And you’re an expert at flattery. But it really isn’t necessary.”
Zac chuckled. “And why not?”
“I already slept with you, didn’t I?” I asked.
“Once or twice,” he replied, pulling me even closer to him. “But one more time wouldn’t hurt, right?”
As if his meaning hadn’t been obvious, he grabbed my hand and slid it into his boxers. I obliged, wrapping my hand around him. I was surprised to find that he was already a little hard, and soon enough, he was breathing heavily against me, too.
“Roll over,” he said softly. “Like, on your side, just… facing away from me. Trust me.”
I wasn’t sure what to think, but I did as he said. I had been too lazy to put on anything other than an oversized t-shirt, so Zac only had to slide it up and slip my panties down and off my legs. He trailed his hand up one of my legs, positioning it on top of his. I wrapped my foot around his leg and leaned back against him, letting him run his hands all over my body. I didn’t even mind when they lingered a little on my stomach before he finally let one of them wander between my legs.
It took a little more work on Zac’s part to get the position right this time, but once he did, he moved slowly and deliberately. His hand started out on my hip, moving me back against him in time with his own thrusts, then crept back between my legs to rub my clit. In spite of how much slower we moved this second time, I came just as hard, shuddering against him and letting my head fall back against his chest. Zac held me tightly as he rode out his own orgasm, and even afterward, I wasn’t sure he was ever going to let me go.
He finally did, though, and we settled in for the night. I rested my head on his chest and he wrapped his arms tightly around me. I felt safe and loved, even though I didn’t know what the future would bring.
I didn’t know what any of this really meant for Zac and I, or whether he was right that Asher wouldn’t come back for more than the rest of his belongings. I didn’t know if Zac truly would be there for the baby. I didn’t know if she would ever know any father, real or not. I didn’t know anything but how good and right it felt to be in Zac’s arms.
When I woke and didn’t feel those arms around me, my heart immediately began to beat faster. I knew he could have been in the bathroom or the kitchen or anywhere else, but I didn’t think he was. The panic rising up in my body said that he wasn’t. I scrambled out of bed and hurried to search the apartment for him, my heart pounding so loudly I could hear it in my ears.
Zac was gone.
There was no note, no sign that he had ever been there. He was just gone. I knew I had no right to be surprised, but I was. I had thought something had finally changed between us, but I should have known better. Time and time again, Zac had said what he needed to get what he wanted from me. And once again, I had fallen for it.