Everything I Wanted
Another few weeks passed quietly—no more fighting with Asher and still no word from Avery. With every day, practically every hour it seemed, my stomach grew bigger and bigger. I still hadn’t picked a name, but my apartment was filled to the brim with gifts and purchases for my nameless little baby girl.
Thankfully, that apartment was in a building with an elevator, because my feet and back hurt far too much to even think about walking up flights of stairs every morning and evening. I had no desire to quit working, though. Asher didn’t like that I was still pushing myself so hard, but he couldn’t stop me. He was busy enough with classes, band practice and concerts, anyway. Although things were good, our time together was lessening. The days when he was already waiting in the apartment for me when I arrived home from work were fewer and farther between.
After a long day of work in April, I shuffled down the hallway, hoping but not expecting to see Asher back from class already. Instead, as I rounded the corner, I saw an unexpected but far too familiar figure sitting in the floor right in front of my apartment door. His legs were crossed and his head was down, eyes trained on his phone. He flipped through it listlessly as though he were bored to death.
I walked up to him as quietly as I could, then kicked him in the shin.
“Ow, fuck!” He yelped, shaking his hair out of his eyes as he looked up. “Oh… Colby.”
“Who the fuck else did you expect?” I asked. “And how did you find my apartment, anyway?”
Zac rolled his eyes at me. “You know you filled out paperwork for us. Name, address, birthday… I could have sent you a birthday present.”
“I think I would have died of shock if you had,” I replied. “So why are you stalking me now?”
He pulled himself to his feet and glared at me, still blocking my door. “I’m not stalking you. It’s not like I stand outside your window at night or some shit. This is just the first time we’ve been in town, so I looked you up.”
“But why?” I asked, shoving him aside and angrily jamming my key in the lock. I could feel Zac’s body heat behind me as I unlocked the door.
“Because I needed to see you. I couldn’t do this on the phone or by email.”
“Do what?” I asked, walking into the apartment without looking to see if he was following me. I had no doubt that he was. “What is so important that after two months of silence, you had to sneak over here to see me?”
“I didn’t–” he began, then sighed. “I told you, this is the first time I could. We’re here to promote the new single, and I found a little free time while Kate and Nat are off sightseeing.”
I spun around and scowled at him. “I didn’t ask about how you’re deceiving your wife. I asked what the fuck you want from me and why you think I would want to see you!”
“Because I wanted to see you!” He growled, slamming his hands down on the counter. Seconds later, his angry facade began to crumble. “You don’t know, Colby, and I’m not blaming you but… it’s been hell.”
“But you’re not blaming me,” I replied, only barely able to keep my voice emotionless.
“I’m not,” Zac said. “I’m glad I know the truth, I really am. I was more upset that you hadn’t told me than that it was happening. But it’s… they’re all judging me, hating me… most nights I sleep on the couch in the studio so I don’t have to sleep on the couch at home. No one, particularly my wife, misses an opportunity to tell me about their disappointment in me.”
“Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?” I asked. ‘I mean, it’s not like random people–on the street, in the grocery store, on the subway–don’t judge me, too. And they don’t even know! They just see my belly and jump to assuming I’m some slut or charity case. So forgive me for not sympathizing with you, when you can go home and play house like this isn’t happening.”
Zac stared at me for a moment, and I could see in his face how conflicted he was. Finally, he shook his head. “But that’s just it, I don’t get to play house. Any illusion that I had a good, happy marriage is gone. But what about you? With your little boyfriend. I mean, what the hell—”
That was, of course, the moment that Asher arrived. Zac and I both froze, looking horribly guilty, at the sound of his key in the lock. After realizing he didn’t need the key, he walked in, stopping on the spot when he saw that I wasn’t alone.
“Colby?” He asked, hesitantly.
I cleared my throat. “Zac, this is Asher. Asher… Zac.”
They stared each other down, knowing, of course, who the other was. I held my breath and waited, fearing what either of them might do. To my surprise, Asher just shook his head and walked past us toward the bathroom.
“That’s your little boyfriend?” Zac scoffed. “And you’re going to pass him off as our baby’s father. Have his balls even dropped?”
“Zac, shut up.”
He crossed around the counter and stood next to me. “Have you asked yourself why he even wants to be with you? I’m not accusing him of anything, but think, Colbs. Why would any man knowingly get into a relationship with some other guy’s baby mama if he didn’t have some kind of neurosis?”
I shrugged, looking down to avoid Zac’s eyes. “Because he cares about me.”
“Of course he does,” Zac replied, his tone only slightly patronizing. “I bet he even loves you. But you don’t love him.”
“You don’t know anything about me, or him, or how either of us feels.”
“I know there’s got to be something wrong with him for consenting to this,” Zac said, then stepped closer and grabbed my hand. “And I know you can’t possibly be happy about the whole situation.”
“I don’t really have a choice, do I?”
“You do,” he replied. “But most of them suck. Being with that little piss ant, though? I know that isn’t what you want.”
I tried to ignore Zac’s hand creeping around my waist. “It’s him or no one, though, isn’t it?”
“Is it?” Zac asking, leaning down.
I knew what came next, and I knew I needed to stop it. But I couldn’t. I froze. Only Zac’s warm lips could melt me, and soon I found myself kissing him back. I barely heard Asher shuffle into the room, but his fake cough was as loud as a gunshot.
“Asher, I—” I began.
“You need to leave,” he said, his eyes trained on Zac.
“Do I?” Zac asked, looking amused. “Is this your apartment, or do you just think you can speak for Colby?”
“Zac, don’t do this,” I tried to warn, but he paid me no attention.
“I’ll go when she tells me to go,” Zac said, pulling himself up to his full height. It wasn’t that much above Asher’s, but he was broader and more imposing. To his credit, Asher didn’t shrink away from him at all.
“I know Colby doesn’t want you here,” he replied. “And you haven’t shown any signs, until today, that you want you here. You can’t just walk in and out whenever you please.”
“No, I can’t,” Zac said. “You’re right. I can’t, because that’s my baby. There’s a part of me here, with Colby, so I can’t just walk away. But you know it isn’t simple for me like it is for you. You can leave. You should leave. You like Colby, you’ve had a few good months together. Great. How about the next eighteen years? How about forever? Hmm? You could leave any time, because there’s nothing—nothing but a little crush—keeping you tied to her.”
Asher seemed oblivious to the fact that Zac had crept closer to him, getting more and more up in his face. He just sneered and replied, “And you would know all about being tied down, wouldn’t you? Don’t act high and mighty when we all know you’ve got a wife at home who you cheated on.”
“I’m not denying it. But I know what it’s like to be a father and a husband. You’re just some little kid who thinks he’s got a ready made family here, but who’s going to run the second this gets tough. I can see that written all over you.”
Only then did Asher waiver, and that was when my own doubts crept back in. Could Zac be right? Hadn’t I already wondered why Asher stayed and if he would someday leave?
After a moment, he shook his head. “You might know how to be a husband and father, but even I can see how shitty you are at both.”
Zac turned his head and gave me an eerily calm look. “Colby? You’re going to have to forgive me for this.”
Before I could ask what “this” was, he spun back around and swung his fist at Asher’s face. It connected with his jaw with an awful crack. I reeled back against the counter as though I’d been hit too and covered my eyes, bracing for the next impact. When it didn’t come, I pulled my hand away from my eyes just in time to see Asher rushing out of the room. I wanted to call out to him, but I didn’t know what to say. I was too in shock.
“What the fuck, Zac!” I gasped out once I finally found my voice again.
Zac spun back around to face me, his face still full of such anger and hurt that I both wanted to run away and hug him. “I’m not a bad father, and if I had half a chance, I would prove that to you.”
“But you don’t,” I said softly.
He stepped in closer to me and wrapped his arms around my waist again. “There has to be a way… we have to figure something out… some way for me to be in our baby girl’s life. Please, Colby.”
“I don’t know,” I replied, shaking my head. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Just trust me,” Zac said softly, holding me close and resting his head on top of mine. “Please, just… just trust me, and we’ll figure this out somehow.”
I just couldn’t see how, but before I could voice that fear, Asher walked back into the room. That time, I didn’t bother jumping away from Zac. Obviously Asher had already seen us and I had done worse than just hug Zac. I knew I should feel guilty for the hug and the kiss, but with everything else going on, I just didn’t. Being with Zac had never felt as wrong as it should have, not even right then.
“Asher…” I said softly, nervously watching him walk around the room like we weren’t even there.
It took me a moment to realize what he was doing. With a messenger bag across his shoulder, he was packing to leave. His other hand held a washcloth to his mouth, a few spots of blood dotting it. I hadn’t realized how hard Zac had hit him, and I was torn between wanting to punch Zac back and wanting to hug Asher. I wasn’t sure which would be less appreciated.
Asher ignored me until he’d finished stuffing his bag with books, papers and various other items. Finally, he turned back to me and just shook his head sadly. “I can’t… I can’t do this, Colby. God knows I’m not saying this asshole is right, but if he’s going to be in your life like this… I can’t.”
“What were you expecting when he found out the truth?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” Asher replied with a soft shrug. “But not this. I really do hope things work out for you, but I just… I can’t do this. I can’t be here right now and maybe not at all. I’ll come back for the rest of my stuff.”
I had no words to stop him. I couldn’t tell him that Zac wouldn’t be in my life or the baby’s life, because I didn’t know. To my surprise, I realized that I wanted him to be. I wanted this to work, somehow, so that they could both be here, but as I watched Asher walk out, I realized that just wasn’t possible. I couldn’t have everything I wanted. Maybe I couldn’t have any of it.