Forgive Your Past
Even though it was still fairly early, I fell into bed only moments after arriving back at the hotel. I barely even took the time to change from my dress to pajamas before my head hit the pillow. I didn’t fall asleep right away, though. I couldn’t. The longer I had walked, the more I had cried, until I was sobbing so much I could barely even see the way to my room. I cried and cried until my pillow was soaked through and I had no more tears left. For a long time, I just laid there hiccuping and shivering.
Just as I finally started to drift off to sleep, I heard a knock at the door. I was terrified to see who it might be, but I knew whoever it was, I had to answer. As I pulled myself out of bed and shuffled to the door, they only grew more insistent, knocking louder and louder. Finally, I swung open the door and came face to face with Avery.
“Tell me I’m wrong,” she said, her voice cold and her face hard.
“I… I can’t,” I replied weakly.
“He’s my brother, Colby. My married brother.” She shook her head. “And you let me believe Asher was the father. God, does he think he is, too? I mean, how far do your lies go?”
I shook my head quickly. “No! No, Asher knows it’s not his. He’s known all along that it wasn’t.”
“So the one person who has literally no connection to the baby besides apparently being in love with you is the person you decided to tell? Not me, not Zac—the baby’s actual father. No one.”
All I could do was nod. She was right.
“What the fuck were you thinking?” Avery asked, and I was fairly certain it was the first time I’d ever heard her curse.
“That exactly this would happen,” I replied softly. “That you would hate me. That everyone would hate me. That if the truth came out, it would ruin everyone’s lives.”
“Including your own,” Avery said, crossing her arms. “You’re not stupid, Colby. You’re selfish. But you’re not dumb enough to think you could keep this secret. I mean, all you had to do was tell us when the baby was due and we could do the damn math. You had to know that. Kate could do the math. Zac could do the math. Speaking of Zac, I hope you know he’s in the hotel bar trying to destroy his liver right now.”
I felt a huge pang of guilt then. All along I had known how badly I was fucking everything up, but knowing that Zac was right there, in pain because of me, was just too much. I couldn’t even speak. I just shook my head.
“I’m not saying I’m not angry with him, too,” Avery said. “Because I am. And I’ll deal with him when he’s sober. But right now, I’m talking to you.”
“Do you hate me?” I asked, then immediately regretted it. I didn’t want to know her answer.
“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. I do know that after tomorrow, I’m going to need a lot of time away from you. If this had come out any sooner…” She paused and shook her head. “I don’t know. But you’re here and the wedding is tomorrow, so there’s nothing we can do. But after tomorrow, I don’t know.”
I nodded. “That’s… that fair, I guess.”
“It’s really not, but I don’t know what else to do. I just don’t want to be around you at all, but I’m stuck with you for now.” She turned to leave, then stopped and turned back around. “I just don’t understand how you can call yourself my friend and then… do this. And lie about it. I know it’s not all about me, but it’s just… it’s not cool. How you could do this to my whole family… I just don’t get it. And I don’t think I ever will.”
With that, she turned back around and walked away. There was nothing I could say to stop her, because I knew she was right. I had hurt them all and I couldn’t take any of it back.
It came as no surprise to me that nearly everyone seemed to ignore me the next day. All I could see in their eyes was pity or contempt. I wasn’t sure which was worse. Only Annalee seemed to still be friendly toward me, which I was thankful for. I wondered if she had suspected the affair, but I didn’t dare ask. Even though it was no doubt at the forefront of everyone’s mind, no one said a word about it. As we got our hair and makeup done, we all remained focused on nothing but the wedding.
Once I was finally dressed and ready for my walk down the aisle, I no longer felt like I was glowing—or, if I was, it was a radioactive aura warning people not to get too close. I hated it, but I supposed I deserved to be treated like a leper.
As far as I could tell, Zac wasn’t really receiving the same treatment, and I didn’t think that was fair. Maybe they were used to this sort of thing from him. I didn’t know. Only his wife seemed to be giving him the cold shoulder; others hardly seemed to look at him differently at all.
He looked like hell, though. I no longer felt the need to hide my desire to stare at him, but with his hangover, he wasn’t nearly as beautiful as he’d been the night before. Although his suit was pressed and his hair pulled back neatly into a ponytail, he hadn’t bothered to shave and his eyes were ringed with dark circles. I wanted to hug him, but I knew I couldn’t.
When the music started, that was our cue to line up. Zac held out his arm to me and I accepted it. He gave me the faintest smile and said, “You look beautiful.”
Those were the last three words—except, perhaps, for one other option—that I expected to hear him say to me. Not knowing what else to do, I focused my eyes straight ahead and began walking in step with him. I couldn’t even say “thank you.” I couldn’t say anything.
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me,” he whispered as we made our way into the hall. “I can’t fucking believe it.”
He had a well practiced smile plastered on his face as he spoke, but I could hear the venom in his words. He might have thought I was beautiful, but I had no doubt that he hated me, maybe almost as much as I hated myself.
Zac didn’t speak another word to me for the rest of our walk down the aisle, nor did he look at me again for the rest of the ceremony. Standing up there in front of everyone, I could feel what seemed like a million eyes boring into me, judging me, hating me. But the only pair I cared about wouldn’t look at me at all.
I didn’t want to go to the reception. I really didn’t. I knew I had to, though. Even if I was a horrible friend who had let Avery down in every way, I decided I could at least fulfill the duties I’d signed up for. Plus, Annalee insisted and practically dragged me into the banquet hall.
Much like the ceremony, nearly everyone ignored me. There were no assigned seats, so I ended up at a table with Annalee and a few more of her and Avery’s college friends. I didn’t know any of them, and they didn’t stick around to hang out with the sad pregnant lady for very long.
Since I was on my own, I didn’t have to wonder if he was really heading for me when I saw Taylor walking my direction. He stood in front of me and held out his hand, a look on his face that I couldn’t quite place. “May I have this dance?”
“Sure,” I replied dubiously, standing up and accepting his hand.
Once again, I could feel eyes on me, but I didn’t care. I was just happy that someone in Zac’s family was showing me some sign of friendship. I didn’t entirely trust Taylor, but I was willing to give him a chance as he walked me to the dance floor and took the lead.
You’ve been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows
Why it’s taken me so long
To let my doubts go
You’re the only one that I want
“You’re in some deep shit, you know,” he said.
“Oh, really?” I asked, my words dripping with sarcasm. “Whatever gave you that idea?”
Taylor just smirked. “I gotta say, I think you did this all backward. I mean, do you know how many people accused Natalie of lying about the baby being mine? And here you are, pretending you’re not having Zac’s kid.”
“Yeah, well, I imagine she didn’t get knocked up just days before your wife went into labor, did she? Not exactly the same scenario.”
“No, I suppose not,” he replied. “I guess I just don’t understand your plan.”
“I didn’t have one. I just… I guess I wanted to pretend like it wasn’t true. Can’t really deny it now, though.”
“No,” he replied softly. “You can’t. So what now?”
I don’t know why I’m scared, I’ve been here before
Every feeling, every word, I’ve imagined it all,
You never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine
“I have no fucking clue. Everyone hates me. Zac hates me. Admitting that the kid is his doesn’t change a thing. If anything, it makes it worse, because now everyone else has to know how badly I fucked up. How badly he fucked up.”
To my surprise, Taylor smiled. “He doesn’t hate you.”
“What gives you that idea?” I asked.
He nodded at some point over my shoulder, turning us slightly so I could see what he saw. It was Zac, walking right toward us.
“Sorry, Tay,” he said. “I’m cutting in.”
Before either of us could object, Zac grabbed my hand from Taylor’s shoulder. Instead of pulling me toward him to dance, though, he yanked me through the crowd and off the dance floor entirely. I could only barely hear the music playing at all in the secluded corner he’d found and pulled me into.
I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I’m worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove that I’m the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
“What the fuck is your problem?” He hissed.
“My problem? What the fuck is yours, dragging me over here?”
Zac just scowled. “Do you even know how it fucking looks, you out there dancing with my brother right after you tell everyone you’re having my bastard child?”
“It looks like he’s the only person here who doesn’t hate me for making a stupid mistake,” I replied. “A mistake that you were a part of, too, I might add. I didn’t fucking do this to myself, Zac. It took both of us.”
“And yet only one of us knew about it,” he shot back, crossing his arms. “How long were you planning to keep this a secret? I mean, did you think you could show up here and no one would notice?”
“Obviously not,” I replied. “I don’t know, okay? I was kind of hoping to never see you again, but Avery was too damn stubborn to let me just hide forever. Not that she knew why I was hiding.”
Zac chuckled harshly. “Well, she does now. Everyone knows. My whole damn family knows what we did.”
“And that’s why it should have ended before this happened. I knew that. You knew that.”
“I didn’t want it to end,” he said softly, the anger fading from his face.
Have I been on your mind?
You hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time at the mention of my name
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close?
And have you tell me whichever road I choose you’ll go
“Could have fucking fooled me,” I replied.
“What the fuck was I supposed to do?” He screeched. “My wife had just given birth. It just… something changed. Or snapped. I don’t know. And I just thought, at least for a while, that we could make things work. And we actually were. Until now.”
“And that’s why I wanted to keep it a secret, Zac! Because whether you wanted things between us to end or not, they needed to. And they had.”
“Had they?” He asked, stepping in closer and poking my stomach. “Do you not get that this means they’re never going to end? Not truly. Not ever.”
“They could have if you hadn’t found out,” I replied weakly, but I wasn’t so sure I believed myself anymore.
Zac shook his head sadly. “No, they couldn’t have. If you’re keeping this baby, and god I hope you are…”
“I am,” I said softly, trying not to tremble as Zac spread his hand out across my stomach.
“Good,” he replied, still not moving his hand.
He leaned in closer and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss me. I could smell alcohol on his breath, and I turned my head. I didn’t want him like that, not when he was probably too fucked up to know what he was doing. His lips landed on my jaw and I felt butterflies flutter up in my stomach.
“Did you feel that?” Zac gasped.
“What?”
“That,” he said, tapping my stomach softly. “The baby. It… she… kicked.”
I don’t know why I’m scared ’cause I’ve been here before
Every feeling, every word, I’ve imagined it all,
You’ll never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine
I looked down at Zac’s hand, and as I did, I saw it move. My stomach—the baby—moved. I let out a gasp, then looked up at Zac. He was smiling, the first real smile I’d seen on his face for months. Maybe the first ever.
“Was that… was that the first time?” He asked.
I nodded. “Yeah… it was. I’ve never… seen or felt her move before.”
“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” Zac’s voice was full of awe. His hand still rested on my stomach and I wondered if he was ever going to move it. His forehead fell against mine and he sighed. “What the fuck are we gonna do, Colbs?”
“I don’t know,” I replied softly. “I really don’t know.”
I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I’m worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove that I’m the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
We might have kissed again, but the sound of high heels clicking against the tile brought us back to reality. I wasn’t surprised at all to see Kate standing there, hands on her hips and her eyes full of fire. If she could have killed us both with that look, she would have. Zac gave me a sad smile and began to back away.
“Zac…” I whispered.
He shook his head. His hand lingered on my stomach for as long as possible as he backed away from me, finally falling limply to his side as he turned and walked toward his wife. I should have known it was too good to be true. I didn’t even know why I had let myself get so close to forgiving him. He would always go running back to her. I should have known that by then.
I know it ain’t easy, giving up your heart
I know it ain’t easy, giving up your heart
Nobody’s perfect, trust me I’ve learned it
I know it ain’t easy, giving up your heart