Glowing
Asher stayed away that night and the next two. Even when he did eventually come back to the apartment, things weren’t the same. There was a tension that we couldn’t seem to shake, and I knew it would remain until I broke down and told the truth. I just didn’t know when that would be.
It only took Avery a week to get us in for another fitting to see what could be done about my bridesmaid dress. Thankfully she had decided that we weren’t going to match, so it wouldn’t matter if I had a slightly different style; no two bridesmaids would have exactly the same style anyway. The truth was, I hardly even remembered what the dress we’d chosen for me months ago looked like. I’d had other things on my mind then… things I couldn’t get off my mind now if I tried.
As much as I didn’t want to, I took off work for the shopping trip. Asher was just getting back from his morning classes when I was getting ready to leave to meet Avery downtown. My stomach wasn’t quite large enough to make it impossible to see my feet, but tying my shoes still left me out of breath. Asher’s lips twitched into the faintest of grins at that, but it faded away quickly, presumably as he remembered why I was getting dressed.
“Shopping trip today, right?” He asked.
“Mhm,” I replied. “If I’m lucky, it’ll just be the dress. But she’ll probably drag me into some baby clothing store, too.”
“And you still haven’t told her,” he stated, obviously knowing he didn’t need to bother actually asking.
I shook my head and stood up. “You know I haven’t. What does it matter, though? The shit’s going to hit the fan at the wedding anyway, so you’ve got less than a month before you can say ‘I told you so’.”
Until I said it, I hadn’t truly realized it. The realization hit me hard and I fell back down onto the couch I’d tried to pull myself off. There was no way I could conceal the truth when Zac was right there in front of me. But if I backed out now, I would still have to tell Avery why. Maybe there was some way I could keep up the lie around Zac, but I just couldn’t see how.
Asher shook his head, but offered me a hand to help me up anyway. “You’re digging your own grave here, you know.”
“Yeah,” I replied with a grunt. “I’m aware, but thanks for the reminder.”
He frowned. “I just… want what’s best for you. That’s all.”
“Why do you care so much?” I asked, scowling.
He shrugged. I wasn’t surprised. Even though he was clinging to me when he shouldn’t have been, there were still things he shied away from, one of those being the l word. That was fine by me; we hadn’t even been together for two months. The fact that he was practically living with me already was ridiculous. There was definitely no need to get any more serious than that.
“Anyway, I need to go,” I replied. “Gotta get my dress for the wedding I’m probably going to ruin.”
“And am I going to this wedding with you?” Asher asked.
I shrugged. “Do you really want to? Sometimes I think you’d probably sit there eating popcorn, just watching while I ruined everyone’s lives.”
“I wouldn’t,” he replied softly. “I told you, I’m trying to help you do what’s best. But… no. I don’t think I want to be there. I don’t think I can watch that.”
“I wish I had that choice,” I mumbled, grabbing my purse and heading for the door.
There was no reason for me to be angry with Asher, and deep inside I knew it. Maybe part of it was just hormones. Everything that pissed me off I seemed to take out on him, and I especially had no patience for his criticism of how I was handing this situation. It didn’t matter that even I knew I was handling it poorly. I just didn’t need some guy I barely knew pointing it out to me.
Despite that, I was in a bad mood for the entire subway ride downtown to meet Avery. I sulked the whole time, so much that I could actually see people scooting away from me in fear. Apparently a short little angry pregnant lady can put out a lot of bad vibes. That was a tidbit I decided to hang onto for later usage, but once I reached the store where I was supposed to meet Avery, I did my best to put on a happy face. I wasn’t sure I had succeeded, but I tried.
Avery was waiting outside the dress shop, rubbing her gloved hands together. A huge grin spread across her face when she saw me, and she practically dragged me into the store. I was less enthusiastic than her, of course, but what could I do?
It was hard not to get swept up in the atmosphere of it all. They served us champagne—which I couldn’t drink—as I tried on each of the dress styles Avery had chosen. Most of them just looked ridiculous and I didn’t even want to leave the dressing room in them. They were all in soft shades of pink, with silk and ruffles and while they looked exactly like something Avery would have chosen, they weren’t me at all. Nothing about being a bridesmaid was, but I was trying, if only to make her happy.
Finally, when I was ready to give up, I tried on the very last dress she’d thrust upon me. It was soft, peachy pink, with a halter top and an empire waist that would no doubt skim over my stomach even when it had grown even more. It certainly didn’t hide that I was pregnant, but it didn’t make me look ridiculous and fat, either. I just looked like… me.
Hesitantly, but with a smile on my face, I stepped out of the dressing room. Avery’s face lit up like I was the one getting married, not her. She rushed behind me and practically shoved me toward the huge wall of mirrors at the other end of the dressing rooms.
“Colby, look at you!” She breathed out.
So I did.
It seemed so cliché, but I was actually glowing. My cynical side reminded me that, according to the pregnancy websites I’d been reading, it was just hormones. Those hormones had cleared up my skin and made my hair—finally trimmed and dyed one solid shade of brown close to my natural color—shine. There was nothing to it other than biology, but I was still surprised by the change. It made me feel, for just a moment, that everything was going to be okay.
“It’s perfect, Colbs,” Avery said.
My smile faltered when she used what she couldn’t have known was Zac’s nickname for me. Hesitantly, I nodded. “Yeah… yeah, it is. I think this is the dress.”
Avery squealed, then motioned for the dressing room attendant. Moments later, I was in my normal clothes, walking toward the counter as the saleswoman carried the dress bag. Avery was still beaming and practically bouncing off the walls. Her energy just exhausted me. My enthusiasm had been very short lived and was already gone.
“And you don’t need to worry at all if you can’t make it to the bachelorette party, since you can’t drink,” Avery said, and it didn’t sound like the beginning of a sentence.
I glanced at her and realized I hadn’t been paying attention to her at all. I’d felt myself nodding, I hoped in the right places, but not a single word she’d said had sunk in. Luckily for me, she hadn’t noticed.
“I’m just so happy we found the perfect dress,” she said, tucking the receipt into her purse. “Come on, let’s get lunch now.”
After making plans to pick the dress up later, Avery ushered me back out onto the street. It was freezing, but I didn’t mind. Being all bundled up at least hid my stomach from judgmental eyes. I wasn’t dumb. I knew that everyone who noticed the bump immediately checked my finger for a ring, which of course they didn’t find. It was ridiculous, I thought, that in 2013 I was still being judged for getting pregnant out of wedlock. Then I remembered that if any of those judgmental people knew the full story, they would judge me even more.
Oblivious to my inner turmoil, Avery lead the way into a little deli just a few doors down from the dress shop. In spite of my emotions, I was hungry, so I ordered a turkey panini that was probably big enough for two people but which I knew I would eat by myself.
“So,” Avery said once we were seated with our food. “You’ll get to find out what you’re having soon, right?”
I nodded. I didn’t want to tell her how far along I was, because I knew then she would be able to do the math. Surely she would realize it on her own soon enough. I didn’t see how she hadn’t. I supposed she just wanted to believe the best of me… and of her brother. She was oblivious, and I knew I was keeping her that way.
“That will be exciting, right?” She asked, and before I could answer, added, “Have you and Asher thought about names yet?”
“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “We haven’t.”
That was true. Aside from judging me for hiding the truth, Asher hardly said a word about the baby. He didn’t seem unhappy about it, but he wasn’t excited, either. How could he be? He knew it wasn’t his. Although he was attached—perhaps too much so—to me, he was almost completely detached from this baby growing inside me. Like everything else he did that upset me, I knew I really had no right to be bothered by that, but I was anyway.
Avery gaped at me. “Well, you need to! You should talk to Natalie at the wedding. She’s super into names. She’s been trying to help Nikki pick out a name for their new baby, so I’m sure she has a whole list ready.”
“Yeah,” I mumbled. “Maybe I will.”
I had absolutely no intention of doing that, of course. But I couldn’t tell Avery that. There were so many things I couldn’t tell her, and I hated myself for it. The next few weeks were going to be hell, I was sure, and they were only the beginning.
Avery rambled on for the rest of our lunch about all the details of the wedding I had missed. I could tell there was just a hint of anger behind it, but I had never really seen Avery angry with anyone. For the most part, she really was just trying to catch me up. Sometimes it amazed me how genuinely good she was, but it bordered on naïve at times. Too trusting. She didn’t need to trust me at all, but of course she didn’t know that.
As soon as we finished eating, Avery was pulling me out of the deli, practically dragging me behind her once again. Struggling not to trip over my own feet, I said, “Where are we going now?”
“Baby shopping, of course!” She said, grinning. “I’m sure we can find a few gender neutral things to buy for the little one.”
I pasted on a smile and let her drag me around, all the while hating myself for it. It felt like I could practically count down to the minute what little time I had left with her as my friend, and I was shamelessly taking advantage of it, knowing it would all end in just a few weeks—ironically, on Valentines Day.