Asher
Even though it felt like my life was ending, I still managed to drag myself to work the next week. Joey didn’t believe in Black Friday, so we had the holiday weekend off. I spent most of it sitting in my apartment eating takeout and watching the Christmas movies that had already started filling the channels even though Thanksgiving was barely over.
I had been at work a few hours on Tuesday and was waiting for Tobias to get back from his lunch break so I could take mine when I saw Avery walk through the door. I wanted to duck under the counter and hide, but of course she’d already spotted me. Besides, what good would hiding do? I didn’t want to think about it right then, but I knew eventually I would have to tell her I was pregnant. I was determined to put it off as long as I could, though.
“Hey, Colby!” She called out cheerfully as she walked over to the checkout.
“Hey…” I replied.
“I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I would drop in and see if you could come with me to the florist on Friday,” she said.
“I have a doctor’s appointment,” I replied. I left out the fact that it was my first prenatal appointment. Avery didn’t need to know that, not yet.
“Oh,” she said, frowning. “Well, maybe next time. I doubt I’ll decide on anything for sure this time, although I need to. I’m really running out of time. We need to schedule the last fitting for our dresses, too. I guess, umm, I’ll call and let you know when I get that scheduled?”
“Yeah… okay,” I replied.
I knew I didn’t sound very enthusiastic, but I just couldn’t. The more she talked, the more I felt like my world was closing in on me. I couldn’t drop out of her wedding. But I would have to see Zac there. I would have to spend the entire wedding standing across the aisle from him. It was just one night, but it sounded like torture—especially when I remembered that I would no doubt be showing by then. My jeans already seemed to be getting tight, but I was sure that was my imagination.
Avery tilted her head to the side, still frowning. “Are you alright? You’re not still feeling sick, are you?”
“No,” I lied. “I mean, I’m fine. I’m not sick. The doctor thing is… just a checkup.”
“Okay…” She replied, but I could tell she didn’t entirely believe me.
From the corner of my eye, I spotted Tobias walking back toward the counter and I tried not to let my relief for the interruption show. “Umm, I think it’s my break time now. You can… stick around if you want to, I guess…”
“Actually, I have to get back to work myself,” she replied. “But I’ll call you in a few days when I know the details for the dress fitting, okay?”
“Yeah, okay,” I squeaked out. “Bye.”
I didn’t exhale until Avery was out of the shop. I hated lying to her, but for the moment, I didn’t know what else to do. As Tobias approached, I could see the judgment on his face; he knew I hadn’t told Avery, but he didn’t know why. All he knew was that I was trying to keep the pregnancy a secret and that the baby’s father wasn’t going to be in its life. That was all I’d told him, but I was certain he would eventually put two and two together.
Right then, at least, he didn’t say anything. He just told me he was ready to take over and let me have lunch, which I was more than ready for. Some days it was still a struggle to keep down what I ate, but my appetite seemed to grow by the minute. That day I’d packed a frozen burrito, a bag of barbecue chips and an apple so that I could at least pretend it was a balanced meal. I planned to go shopping after work that evening to pick up some healthier food and the prenatal vitamins I knew I needed to be taking.
When I hadn’t been watching Christmas movies, I’d spent the weekend researching pregnancy, trying to figure out how far along I was and just exactly what was going on inside of me. Apparently, my baby was now roughly the size of a raspberry. It was hard to imagine that. How could something that tiny be throwing my life into such a tailspin? It was still so small that it was almost possible to convince myself it wasn’t there at all.
But I knew it was.
Soon enough, it would be obvious to anyone who saw me that I was carrying a baby. I didn’t know what made me think I could actually go through with it. There would be all sorts of questions about the baby’s father that I wouldn’t want to answer. There would be judgment from some people. There would be my aunt and uncle’s disappointment. And of course, there would be the financial strain.
I didn’t know how I was going to do it, but I felt frozen. I couldn’t undo it—technically, I could, but something told me not to go that route, not to even consider giving the baby up. I wasn’t delusional enough to think that this child would somehow be reason enough for Zac to leave Kate and be with me. But it was mine, even if it never had the chance to be his. And that made me want to find a way to keep him or her… even though it was difficult to think of something the size of a raspberry as him or her.
I knew that soon I would have to start thinking about not just genders and names, but cribs, diapers, and all sorts of things I wasn’t prepared for. I didn’t want to think about all of that yet.
It took me a long time to finish my lunch, but luckily Joey was pretty relaxed about things like how long our breaks lasted. I knew working in the record store was a dead end thing, nothing like touring or working for an actual label, but I really appreciated how laid back he was. It might have been a dead end job that wouldn’t have paid my bills if I didn’t have all that money from my parents saved up, but it was a job I was comfortable with. I didn’t feel guilty at all about taking my time finishing lunch and heading back toward the counter.
When I finally did, Tobias looked my way and gave me a smirk. I didn’t know what that was all about at first, but then I followed his slight nod and saw that little emo boy again. I rolled my eyes. That was the last thing I needed, and I thought Tobias had to be wrong anyway. Why would some random guy come into the store over and over again just to see me?
He wandered up and down the aisles for a long time, and I tried to distract myself with putting up the Christmas decorations that I’d sorted through before Thanksgiving. While I was stringing up lights on the wall behind the counter, Tobias evidently decided to wander away. I hadn’t even noticed that he was gone until someone behind me cleared their throat. I ignored the sound at first, assuming Tobias would help them, but when they did it again, I realized I was all alone. I took a deep breath and climbed down off my ladder…. and came face to face with that little emo boy.
He gave me a sheepish smile and slid a few cds across the counter toward me. I wondered if he was actually going to say anything, and I really wasn’t in the mood to put up with someone that shy. If Joey hadn’t been such a laid back boss, my lack of customer service skills would have become a problem years ago.
“Hi,” the boy finally said. “I, umm, just wanted to… buy these…”
“That’s what they’re here for,” I replied, hoping it didn’t sound as sarcastic as I thought it did.
I grabbed the cds he’d put on the counter and began flipping through them. He had quite a stack and I wondered if he’d just grabbed them at random, considering how varied the genres were—he had everything from Avenged Sevenfold to Wilco. On top of a Ryan Adams album, I noticed a little folded slip of paper, and I didn’t think it was anything we would have put on the shelf with the album. I flipped it open and saw a name and phone number on it.
“I’m guessing you’re Asher?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
He blushed. “I’m sorry, that was… was that lame? That was probably really lame. I was hoping you’d just like, find it later, after I was gone or something…”
“But what if I did, and I didn’t even figure out that you were Asher?”
“I didn’t really think that far ahead, to be honest,” he replied. “I’ll just… I mean, you can throw it away or whatever, and we can just pretend I’m not this much of a loser.”
To my surprise, I found myself replying, “You’re not a loser.”
“I’m not?” He asked.
“No,” I said, giggling. “It’s actually kind of cute. Maybe a little weird, some might even call it creepy, but cute. And you’re buying some pretty awesome albums, so…”
“Oh, so you’re one of those people who judges others based on their taste in music,” he said.
“Would I be working in a record store if I wasn’t?”
The boy, apparently named Asher, chuckled. “No, I guess not. So, umm, you think maybe you’ll use that phone number… maybe to let me ask you out on a date sometime?”
“Maybe,” I replied, the word surprising even me.
“Great,” he said, a huge, genuine smile taking over his face.
His smile was infectious, and I found myself smiling back as I continued ringing up his purchases. As I did, he told me about his own band, which I could tell he was proud of. Even though I didn’t really want to get involved with another musician, there was something about Asher’s wide eyed enthusiasm that I really enjoyed. By the time he had paid for everything and was on his way out the door, I practically had butterflies in my stomach like I was some dumb teenager again.
“Hey, Colby?” Tobias asked, suddenly appearing out of nowhere. “Did I just see what I think I just saw?”
I rolled my eyes. “If you think you just saw yourself proven correct, yes. You were right. Asher just asked me out.”
“Ooh, his name is Asher? That’s kind of hot.” Tobias grinned.
“It is, isn’t it?” I replied in spite of myself. “He’s just… I don’t know. He’s kind of adorable.”
“He is,” Tobias agreed, then glanced downward. “But what about…?”
I glanced down at my still relatively flat stomach. “Oh. Would you believe I forgot?”
“I would, actually,” Tobias replied slowly. “But don’t you think he probably needs to know?”
I shrugged. “It’s just one date. Maybe. Maybe not even that.”
Tobias seemed to accept that, but I wasn’t so sure about my own words. It was proof, I decided, that I wasn’t ready for this new life. How could I just forget? How could I bring some new, innocent boy into the mess I’d made of my life? How could I handle any of this?
I didn’t have any answers for myself.