Stranger Than Your Sympathy
Stranger than your sympathy
And this is my apology
I killed myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out
I was right. That night in Halifax was the last time Zac and I were together like that. It did give us some sort of closure, though, and the last five days on tour together were surprisingly peaceful. We acted like civil coworkers, even friends, in a way we never had. It made leaving bittersweet, but I knew that the civility was only because I was leaving. If I stayed, we would both still be putting everything at risk. So I had to go.
Joey had my job waiting for me like I knew he would, and soon enough I was settled back into my old routine. I knew everyone was curious why I was back home, but no one had questioned me on it… yet. I was certain it was just a matter of time before someone asked the wrong question, though.
I was digging through a box of random and mostly outdated Christmas decorations Joey had dug out of god knows where when Tobias nudged me. “Who’s that guy?”
“What? Who?” I asked.
“I dunno, he keeps staring at you. I thought you knew him. He was in here a few times back in the summer before you left. Don’t you remember him?”
I glanced in the direction Tobias seemed to be indicating and was surprised to find a guy who was, in fact, staring at me. As soon as I caught him, his eyes snapped away and down to the rack of CDs in front of him. I wasn’t sure, but I thought he was even blushing. And he was cute. He was nothing like Zac, but Zac had been an outlier. This guy, with his dark, probably dyed hair and skinny, almost feminine little figure was far more my type. He did look somewhat familiar, but I didn’t know him.
“He’s cute,” Tobias stage whispered.
“Oh, I see,” I replied, giving him a little shove. “You’re just asking me about him because you hope I know him and I’ll put in a good word for you.”
Tobias wasn’t gay, as he liked to constantly remind us, but after he’d broken up with his college girlfriend, he’d sworn women off forever. So far, he seemed pretty serious about it, too, and he seemed to have a new little boyfriend—who he swore was just a friend—every week. The fact that we had the same type was a little weird, and even more annoying when the guys I liked turned out to bat for the team Tobias refused to admit he was even on.
“No, that one is all yours,” he said. “He’s been in here every day this week, since you got back, but unless you’re here, he barely even sticks around for five minutes. He’s definitely into you, not me.”
“Whatever,” I replied, turning my attention back to the box in front of me and pulling out a tangled piece of garland.
“Not interested?” Tobias asked.
I shook my head. “I am so not looking for a relationship right now. It’s the last thing I need, trust me.”
“Whatever you say…” Tobias replied, his tone implying that he didn’t believe me at all. Luckily, he knew that it was time for a subject change. “So, any good plans for Thanksgiving?”
“None at all. I’m feeling too lazy this year to make the trip up to Saratoga Springs for the big family dinner at Uncle Max’s, so I’ll probably just pick up dinner somewhere and stay at home. Lame, huh?”
Tobias shrugged. “My parents are coming up to visit and no doubt complain about how much they hate the city, so… yours sounds better than mine. Think I can come over and hide at your place if it gets really bad?”
We laughed, but we both knew there was at least a hint of truth in what Tobias said. I didn’t bother pointing out that he was lucky he still had his parents around, because I hated how trite that sounded. It was almost as bad as all the stupid platitudes people said to me about losing my parents. So I just laughed and told him he was more than welcome to come over and eat my cheap takeout food.
While we were talking, the mysterious little emo boy must have walked out. I didn’t even notice him go, and that made me strangely sad. I had no clue who he even was, so why did it matter to me? I didn’t know, but… it did. I shook my head and dove back into the box of decorations, hating myself for so quickly developing a new little crush when I was sure I wasn’t remotely close to being over Zac.
And I wished for things that I don’t need
(All I wanted)
And what I chased won’t set me free
(All I wanted)
And I get scared but I’m not crawlin’ on my knees
Just as I’d told Tobias, I had every intention of spending my Thanksgiving alone. Avery and Annalee were back in Oklahoma, so spending it with them definitely wasn’t an option. And while I was more than welcome to go up to Saratoga Springs to spend the weekend with Uncle Max and Aunt Susanna, in the house I’d lived in after my parents died, I didn’t really want to. My appetite was back, at least, but the bus ride up there was certain to upset my stomach. I’d explained that to Aunt Susanna and she understood, assuring me that she would let all of my cousins know I wasn’t feeling well.
And so that left me alone, coat buttoned up and scarf wrapped tightly around my neck as I walked home from work Wednesday night. I took a little detour to a restaurant off Bowery to pick up some sort of Thanksgiving dinner. I knew it was last minute, but restaurants in New York were prepared; I didn’t think anyone under the age of forty in the city actually cooked their own holiday dinners. Sure enough, a few minutes later my arms were loaded down with curry chicken and a few side dishes. At least the mashed sweet potatoes and carrot cake were somewhat appropriate for the holiday. Another quick trip into a liquor store for a case of hard cider to wash it all down and I was ready for Thanksgiving dinner alone.
I knew it was a pretty pathetic way to spend the holiday, but I also knew I wasn’t the only person in New York City doing it. There was something magical about winter in the city, but from the outside it was hard to see just how lonely it could be, too. It was a strange feeling to be so alone amongst so many hundreds of thousands of people, but I knew it was certainly possible.
At least my apartment was warm. It was small and empty, but the heat was on and it was cozy. I put my Thanksgiving dinner in the refrigerator and took my time getting ready for bed. It was still fairly early, so I had plenty of time to sit around in my pajamas and enjoy a cup of tea. Tea was good. It was one of the few things that had settled well on my stomach in the last few weeks. Soon enough, the tea was joined by a few cookies Avery had made for me. It wasn’t a balanced dinner, but I didn’t care. The last month or so had taught me that it was best to just eat when and what I felt like eating.
We’re taught to lead the life you choose
(All I wanted)
You know your love’s run out on you
(All I wanted)
And you can’t see when all your dreams aren’t coming true
After my less than healthy dinner, I settled myself into bed for the night. Not having to set an alarm was nice, and I let myself sleep in until just before the start of the Macy’s parade. Even though I lived right in the city, I had no desire to actually venture out into the crowd of tourists; I’d done that once in college and that was enough for me. From then on, I was happy just watching it on television. With the volume up loud enough to carry into the kitchen area, I stuck a few waffles in the toaster and poured myself a glass of orange juice.
Before I could even take the first sip, I felt my stomach begin to turn again. I knew that feeling. I rushed to the bathroom, reaching it just in time. Avery’s sugar cookies weren’t nearly as good as the second time around, but it was strangely better than dry heaving until my throat ached.
Once the cookies were all gone, I sat back against the tub and tried to catch my breath. It was ridiculous that this nausea was still going on. My nervous stomach had never bothered me that much before. The more I thought about it, the more a horrible idea occurred to me. The worst of the nausea had always been in the morning. I was on the pill, sure, but I knew it wasn’t completely effective, especially not the way I sometimes took it.
Then I remembered that night in Chicago. We’d both had a few beers and I hadn’t objected when Zac realized he didn’t have a condom. I couldn’t remember for sure, but it wouldn’t have surprised me if I’d forgotten to take my pill at the right time—or at all—that day or the day before. It seemed impossible, and yet the more I thought about it, the more I was certain.
I was pregnant… with Zac Hanson’s baby.
And I was in love with things I tried to make you believe I was
And I wouldn’t be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted
And all the dark and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me
As I pulled myself off the floor and stumbled back to the kitchen, I tried to convince myself it wasn’t true. I’d had a period, or something like it, during our last tour break. I remembered, because I was cramping so badly I almost canceled on Avery when she asked me to come to the cake tasting-slash-birthday party. But I was still taking my pills… who knew what weird side effects those were adding or masking. I had to take a pregnancy test, I decided. I had to know.
Just as I was pouring out the orange juice I knew I couldn’t drink, I heard my cell phone buzz on the counter. The screen showed Tobias’ name, and I swiped it to see what he had to say.
Can u believe my parents went to the parade w/out me? What are u doing?
I sighed. I could lie to him, but if I really was pregnant, he would find out eventually when I started to show.
Puking my guts out. If your parents are gonna be gone for a while, you think you can do me a huge favor?
I tossed out the now cold—and burnt—waffles while I waited for Tobias to reply. A moment later, my phone buzzed again.
Sure, what is it?
Taking a deep breath, I typed:
Come over and pick me up a pregnancy test on the way?
I thought surely he would say no to that, but thankfully, he didn’t. He promised to be over as soon as possible, no questions asked. I sat on the couch, knees pulled up to my chest, and stared blankly at the television while I waited. The parade was on, but I barely even noticed it. I couldn’t think about anything but the fact that my life was over. Zac’s life was over… if I told him. I remembered his words: a new baby didn’t fix anything. He’d been talking about his marriage, but the words still held true. A baby between the two of us would ruin everything.
And yet… I couldn’t get an abortion. I had no strong moral objections to it, but the idea of having one myself just didn’t feel right. I had to already be a month and a half along, far too late to just take a pill and act like this pregnancy had never happened. And I couldn’t give Zac’s baby up. This baby was the only thing of Zac I had left to hold onto. Even though I wanted to hide it and pretend it wasn’t happening… I knew I had to keep it. I had to cling to this little piece of proof that there had been something between Zac and I. It was stupid, I knew, but it was how I felt.
When a knock came at the door, I nearly jumped off the couch. I hadn’t realized how lost I’d been in my thoughts. I scurried to the door to answer it, not surprised to find Tobias standing there with a Duane Reade bag in his hand. Under his other arm, he clutched what looked like a box of donuts, and there was a sheepish smile on his face.
“I thought you might need these,” he said, holding out the box to reveal apple cinnamon donuts.
I took the box from him, then pulled him into a huge hug, yanking him into my apartment at the same time. He’d been one of my closest friends since I started working at Sit and Spin, but this was above and beyond the call of duty, and I think he knew that, but he did it anyway.
“Thank you so much,” I said, pulling him into the kitchen. I set the donuts on the counter, then pulled out one of the ciders I knew I couldn’t drink and handed it to Tobias. With a heavy sigh, I picked up the plastic bag he’d sat on the counter. “I guess I might as well get this over with, huh?”
He nodded. “If you need me to do anything else, just let me know. It’s really no big deal.”
I gave him another hug, then shuffled off to the bathroom like I was marching off to my execution. The test’s instructions assured me a result in a matter of minutes, but even that felt like a lifetime. I couldn’t sit there and stare at the test or I knew I would go crazy, so I walked back to the kitchen and found Tobias sitting at the counter eating a donut. I grabbed one of my own, but I could barely taste it.
Finally, I knew I could delay no longer. I marched back to the bathroom to read the results.
Two pink lines. Pregnant.
And stranger than your sympathy
And all these thoughts you stole from me
And I’m not sure where I belong
And no where’s home and no more wrong