Heal the Wound
It took me two days to work up the nerve to tell anyone I wanted to leave the tour and not take the internship. Even when I did finally talk myself into it, I still didn’t have the nerve to tell anyone who mattered—that is, anyone who actually worked for 3CG. Instead, I took advantage of what little free time I had after setting up for the concert and went back to the bus to call Avery and talk things over with her. She was a cheerful person, but she could be reasonable and practical. She would help me through this decision, I was sure of it.
On the third or fourth ring, she finally picked up. “Hello?”
“Hey, Ave,” I said, hating how sad I sounded. I was sure she would notice.
“What’s up? Is everything okay?” And of course, she did.
I sighed. “Not really. And it’s not just… feeling homesick or not adjusting, so you can skip over telling me that, okay?”
“Okay,” she replied with a soft laugh, thankfully not offended by my words, which had come out angrier than I meant. I blamed Zac for that. “So what is it, then?”
“I don’t really know,” I replied, the half-truth falling from my mouth easily. I really was turning into Zac, which was more than enough proof that I’d spent too much time with him. “I mean, for the last week or so I’ve been really sick. No one else has it, so it has to be stress, not some stomach virus. Or food poisoning, since we ate the same thing.”
“But you’ll get over it, right? You just said, you’re stressed.”
“Maybe, but you remember how I couldn’t eat for a week after my last finals.” It was true. Even after I’d done the performance portion of my last final exams before graduation and was almost certain I’d passed with flying colors, I still couldn’t eat for days.
“You have another break coming up,” she reminded me. “You’ll have plenty of time to recover then.”
I sighed again. “It’s not just that, Ave. It’s just… I don’t think I can do this. I don’t like it. And I know that sounds childish, but I just need you to understand that. I don’t think this is the life for me, and I want to come home. I want to work at the record store where I’m comfortable. Maybe some other opportunity will come along some day, but I just don’t think this is the right one for me.”
Once I had actually said it, gotten at least some of it off my chest, I felt a lot better… until I realized how silent Avery had gone. Finally, she spoke. “You’re… you’re not just talking about the tour, are you?”
“No,” I replied, trying to fight back a sniffle that I knew would soon be followed by sobs. “I don’t want to work for your brothers, and I don’t want to be on tour any more. I want to come home… now.”
“Okay…” Avery replied, sounding unsure. “Okay. I’m sure we can sort this out. No one is going to make you stay on tour, but you’ve got less than a week until the break, right? You can stay for that long.”
“I guess so,” I said weakly.
“After that, they can find someone else to sell merch, I’m sure. One of their other interns… one of Joe’s brothers… whatever, they can take care of it. And you’re sure you don’t want to do the internship?”
I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me. “I’m positive.”
“I know that’s been up in the air for a while anyway, so that’s no big deal if you turn it down. But you need to tell them right away that you want to leave, okay? They’ve got to find a replacement.”
“I know… I just feel so guilty, and then the more guilty I feel, the more I put it off, and the more I put it off the more guilty I feel…”
“Sounds like that art history paper I put off until the night before it was due. Remember that?” Avery asked, and I knew she was trying to make me laugh at how crazy she’d gotten on all that coffee at three in the morning. I managed a tiny giggle, but it was accompanied by a few tears.
“Yeah,” I replied, sniffling. “Look, I’m sorry to be so… dramatic or depressing or whatever.”
“You wouldn’t be Colby if you weren’t,” Avery replied in a teasing tone that told me she didn’t mean it as an insult.
“Well, anyway, I should stop bothering you, and go… quit my job, I guess.”
“It’ll work out,” she said. “But call me back whenever you can and let me know what’s going on, okay?”
“Okay,” I replied. “I’ll call you tonight if I can. Bye.”
“Bye, Colby.”
For a few minutes, I just sat on the back of the bus, trying to decide my next move. I distracted myself with a game on my phone, doing anything I could to keep from having to get off my ass and go tell the boys that I wanted to go home. It was terrifying to think about. I didn’t know how I would possibly be able to get the words out.
“Hey,” Taylor said softly, rapping on the door. “Anybody in here?”
I glanced up, and the look on his face told me that he already knew something was wrong.
“Can I come in? I think we have something to talk about…”
Before I could ask what he meant, he opened the door further and I saw Isaac and Zac standing in the hallway. The guilty look on Zac’s face, practically the first one I’d ever seen him wear, told me all I needed to know. This time, he had eavesdropped on me. Finally, I gave Taylor a little nod. “Yeah, I guess… I guess we do need to talk.”
Taylor nodded. “You want to leave?”
“I do,” I replied. “I’m just… I don’t think I’m cut out for this. I’ve been sick and homesick, and just… unhappy.”
I didn’t meet Zac’s eyes as I talked, but I knew that he knew most of that was his fault. At least, I hoped he did. If he felt guilty just for eavesdropping on my phone call, then he should have really felt like shit for the way he had treated me.
Taylor nodded again. “Okay. That’s okay. We can find somebody else.”
“I’ll call Joe,” Zac offered, the softness in his voice surprising me.
“What about the internship?” Isaac asked.
I shook my head. “I can’t. I just… can’t.”
I couldn’t say any more than that, either. The sobs I’d been trying to fight off took me over, and Taylor wrapped me up in his arms. Through my tears, I could see the confusion on Isaac’s face. Of course he had no clue what was happening. And Zac… I couldn’t place the emotion on his face at all, but for once, it didn’t scare me.
We were in Halifax for two nights, which was apparently reason enough for everyone to go out drinking. Even though leaving the tour did, I suppose, give me something to celebrate, I didn’t go with them. I stayed in the room, sipping a Diet Sprite and eating some peanut butter crackers. It was the first “meal” I’d eaten all day, and I knew it wasn’t much, but at least it wasn’t upsetting my stomach.
When a knock came at the door, I knew right away who it was.
Sure enough, when I swung open the door, there was Zac. He looked like shit. I wondered if that was new, or if the bags under his eyes had been there for a while and I just hadn’t noticed.
“You’re leaving,” he said.
“Yeah, I am.”
“Because of me.”
I nodded. He lunged toward me, and it took me a moment to realize that he was trying to hug me. For once, I didn’t smell alcohol on him. Or cigarette smoke. Or even sweat. He just smelled clean and like… Zac. I didn’t want to let him go, so I pulled him into the room and let the door slam behind us.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled against my shoulder, and this time I believed him.
Because I believed him, I didn’t turn him away when he tried to kiss me. I knew I should have, but I decided that we both needed this one more time. This was the closest thing to closure that we were going to get before I left.
I let Zac kiss my mouth, my face, my neck. I let him guide me back onto the bed and slowly remove my clothes. I did the same to his, sliding under the covers and taking him into my mouth before he fished a condom out of the pocket of his abandoned jeans. A tiny part of me wanted to be angry that he’d come prepared, just knowing that I would accept his apology, but that part was quickly silenced when he thrust into me. Being with him felt too good for me to be angry about anything.
Of course, it couldn’t last forever. Once we’d both come, our foreheads pressed together, staring straight into each others’ eyes, we fell back to earth and I remembered why I was leaving. Because of him. Because of this. In the moment it felt right, but I knew it truly wasn’t. Zac’s silence as he returned from the bathroom and began to pull his clothes back on told me that he felt the same way. He didn’t speak a word until he was fully dressed and had climbed back into bed next to me.
“So you’re really leaving?” He asked.
“I am,” I replied, nodding. “I just… need to. You were right to push me away and try to work on your marriage. You know that.”
“If it fails, it fails,” he said, pulling me closer. “I don’t want you to blame yourself, because the chances of it happening even without you in the picture… they’re pretty high.”
“But it’s better if I’m gone.” I snuggled up against Zac in spite of my words.
“Better for who?”
I sighed. “It’s just better. You know it is.”
“Yeah…” Zac agreed with a sigh, then kissed my forehead. “And I know I can’t spend the night either. As much as I want to.”
He nudged my chin upward and kissed me then. Even though I knew that he needed to leave, I wrapped my arms tightly around him and kissed him back, wishing we could just keep kissing all night. I knew we couldn’t, though. We both knew, I think, that this would be the last night we spent together, so of course nether of us wanted it to end.
But it had to.
He pulled away first, then sighed and leaned his forehead against mine. “I’m going to miss you,” he admitted.
“I… I know.” I couldn’t say it back, but the fact that I was clearly choked up seemed to say enough. In any case, Zac didn’t seem bothered that I didn’t say it back.
Finally, Zac gave me one last kiss, then pulled himself out of the bed. He slipped his shoes on, gathered up his wallet and cell phone, and left. I couldn’t watch him go. I buried my face in the pillow, not wanting him or Annalee to see me cry. I didn’t care that I was nearly suffocating myself. Watching Zac go and knowing it was my choice to leave… I couldn’t begin to describe how much I was going to miss him. Those words weren’t remotely adequate to describe how I felt right then.
I couldn’t imagine my life without him, but at the same time, I knew I didn’t and couldn’t have a life with him. Knowing that I was doing the right thing did nothing to heal the wound that had opened up inside my chest.