Something I Ate
As our time in Canada continued, I could see that Zac wasn’t going to be any nicer to me. Taylor seemed to sense it, too, and he took it upon himself to distract me from Zac. I still wasn’t sure if he really knew what had happened or if he just thought I had some stupid crush that Zac didn’t have the patience to deal with. Taylor didn’t exactly seem like the observant type, but he had certainly figured out that I needed a wide berth from his brother, and I loved him a little for providing it.
That was how I found myself sitting in a cafe in Toronto with Taylor, Isaac and Bex, the four of us crammed into one table that was not meant for so many chairs, while Zac sat on the other side of the room with the rest of the crew. It had to look strange, but the cafe was crowded anyway, and Taylor solved the seating problem by proposing that we four pull a few extra chairs into the one tiny table that remained. I could have kissed him for it, but I figured I’d kissed enough Hansons.
“So, I think we more or less got a contract drawn up for you over the break,” Isaac said, setting his coffee cup down on the table. He glanced at Bex. “Isn’t that right? Just a few final touches?”
She barely glanced up from her iPad, which she was glued to even more than Taylor was to his cameras, and nodded.
“Of course,” Taylor said, a little more softly, “we need you to look over it, and we can talk you through a lot of what we’re expecting from you. It’s nothing that difficult to understand, just explaining all your duties, what you’ll be paid for the internship, and so on.”
I nodded, but all of his words seemed to made my head go fuzzy. I had to dig my fingernails into my legs to give myself something to focus on so that I wouldn’t just drift off entirely.
“I know it sounds scary,” he continued. “But it’s all really standard stuff. And we can help you with the move, too. Finding an apartment, getting your stuff shipped out to Tulsa, all of that stuff.”
That was when I realized just why his words made me feel so dizzy. I couldn’t move to Tulsa. I just couldn’t.
“Colby?” Taylor asked, sounding miles away. “Are you alright?”
I dug my fingernails into my thighs even harder, until they penetrated through my dress and the thick tights below and really hurt. Slowly, I focused on Taylor’s face and nodded. “Yeah, I’m… I’m okay.”
“You’re not having second thoughts, are you?” Isaac cut in.
Trust the Hanson brother I’d bonded with the least to hit the nail on the head on the first try. “I’m just… it’s a big change, I guess.”
“Would it help to come out and try it on for size over Christmas break?” Taylor asked. “There won’t be much work to do then, so you can ease into it. And if you don’t like it…”
He trailed off then, but I could tell by the look on his face that there would be no hard feelings, and at least he, if no one else, would be willing to let me go, no questions asked. It wasn’t an especially appealing option, but I had a feeling it was my only easy way out, without saying no entirely. How could I just turn this opportunity, one I probably didn’t even deserve, down?
“I’ll… I’ll think about it,” I managed to squeak out just as the waiter arrived with our food.
“You’ve had poutine before, right?” Isaac asked before digging into his.
I tried my best to resist the urge to roll my eyes at him. “Yeah, all the time when I was a kid. I mean, I grew up in upstate New York, so we came to Canada pretty often. One of my uncles has a little cabin we would visit. I haven’t been back for a long time, though, and you really can’t get this stuff in the city. Or, you can, but it’s not the same.”
Isaac nodded and smiled. “You always have to travel to get the authentic stuff, no matter what it is.”
I was happy for the conversation to shift to more general territory and away from the topic of the internship. We moved on to talking about all the places we’d all traveled to, and I actually enjoyed the conversation, even if I did still feel a little dizzy. I tried to ignore that and the butterflies in my stomach. I was sure that it was only the thought of moving to Tulsa, or even just visiting over Christmas, that was making me feel sick.
Even after lunch, I didn’t feel much better. I couldn’t stop thinking about Isaac and Taylor’s words. Taylor’s proposition that I come out and spend Christmas in Tulsa didn’t seem like that much of a better alternative. If anything, I decided it would be even worse to spend the Christmas holiday with the entire Hanson family. There was no way I could fake a smile all the way through all that holiday cheer. I just knew they were the sort of family who enjoyed the holidays a little more than was really healthy. Even though Zac’s little family was obviously less than perfect, their entire family was too large and too cheerful for me to handle.
The more I thought about what the next few months held for me, the worse I felt.
It was practically impossible to keep my mind off the whole Tulsa thing and focus on my job. All the fans who had decided to camp out outside the venue didn’t make the job any easier, either. I didn’t know how the guys could put up with it, and with Zac’s attitude, it was a wonder he hadn’t snapped at one of them yet. Maybe he had, and I just hadn’t been around to see it. I was sure they were grateful for the fans, but to me, they were mostly just an annoyance, with their flashing cameras and constant chatter.
As I made my way back to the venue from the bus for what I hoped was the last time, I ran into yet another group of fans. To my surprise, these girls approached me. I tried to ignore them and keep walking, my arms loaded down with boxes of merch that we’d apparently forgotten to bring in, but they stepped right into my path.
“You’re part of the crew, right?” One of them asked.
I stared at her for a second, waiting to see if she was serious. Surely she could see that I was carrying merch and wearing a laminate giving me clear access to the backstage area. “Yeah. I am.”
“Can you give something to Zac for us?” Asked another girl.
It just fucking figured. Of all the things they could ask. I bit my lip and tried to take a few deep breaths to fend off yet another round of the nausea that had been plaguing me all day. Finally, I replied, “Yeah, sure. Umm… just put it on top of the box?”
She produced a ribbon covered baby blue gift bag from behind her back and plopped it down on top of the box in my arms. I didn’t even have to guess what it was, but she told me anyway. “We just wanted to give him a little something for the new baby. I know it’s silly, but after everything they’ve done for us… anyway, can you just make sure he gets that? It’s not much, but we couldn’t resist.”
“Yeah,” I replied tersely. “I’ll give it to him.”
I had absolutely no intentions of giving it to him myself, but they didn’t need to know that. As long as it somehow got delivered to him. That was good enough. I wasn’t so cruel as to throw the gift out, but there was no way I could face Zac, especially not holding a gift bag for his son. It made me feel worse just to look at it resting atop the box of t-shirts, looking ridiculous with it’s little ribbons and a little rattle making a big racket that seemed to echoed through the entire damn building.
I had no desire at all to seek Zac out to give him the gift, but I also didn’t plan on carrying it around for the rest of the day. Yet I knew I couldn’t just sit it down somewhere and hope it found its way to Zac. While I was trying to figure out what to do, I nearly collided with Taylor, skidding to a stop right as he came barreling around the corner, coffee in one hand and cell phone in the other.
“Whoa!” He cried out, gripping his coffee tightly. “That was close… what’s that?”
“Baby gift,” I practically spat out. “I ran into some fans who seem to think they’re on gift giving terms with you guys.”
Taylor shrugged. “We’ve gotten stranger presents. It’s kinda sweet, really. Well, I assume. I don’t know what’s actually in that bag.”
“Neither do I,” I replied. “But do you think maybe you could deliver it to Zac?”
He looked puzzled for a second, but then nodded as realization seemed to wash over him. “Yeah, no problem.”
“Great,” I replied, then felt a huge wave of nausea rush over me. Unlike the ones I’d been feeling most of the afternoon, this one didn’t seem like it was going to pass so quickly. Although I wasn’t sure opening my mouth was a good idea, I asked, “Actually, could you take this box too… just for a second…?”
Again, he seemed somewhat puzzled, but he did as I said. He quickly stepped out of my way after I shoved the box toward him and set off in hopes of finding a bathroom. I thought I remembered where the nearest one was, and I practically slid across the floor of it when I finally did locate it. I made it there just in time, collapsing onto the floor in front of the toilet as the worst wave of nausea yet came over me.
I remained in front of the toilet for a long time, until I was certain I was rid of not just the poutine I’d eaten for lunch, but every meal I’d had for the past week. Even after it seemed there was no more food left in me, I couldn’t stop shaking. I had to clutch the toilet seat, dirty though it probably was, just to keep myself from sliding to the floor completely and just laying there. My entire body felt like it was covered in a cold sweat.
In my daze, I tried to remember if anyone else on the tour seemed sick that day. I didn’t think so, but I’d been keeping to myself so much that I really hadn’t noticed. Maybe it was just what I ate. But that didn’t make sense either, since Isaac and Taylor had the same thing. Ultimately, I decided that it was just stress, since I had plenty of that and it was known to wreak havoc on my body in exactly this way.
“Hey, Colby,” Annalee said, knocking softly on the door. “Are you alright? Taylor said you were in here…”
“I’m f-fine… now…” I stuttered out, still shaking, more from the cold sweat now than anything else. At least my stomach had stopped churning and trying to rid itself of more food even though it had to be empty.
Annalee let herself into the room and stared at me. Judging by the look on her face, I must have appeared even worse than I felt. “You are so not fine. Look, you’ve got time to nap before the show. If you’re still feeling bad, I can probably handle the merch booth by myself.”
“I can’t… make you do that…” I replied, the words almost more than I had the energy to say.
“You’re not making me do anything. I’m making you rest,” she said, offering me a hand to help me up. “Now come on. You can lay down on the couch out there, and I’ll get you some water.”
I could see that it was pointless to refuse her, so I let Annalee pull me out of the floor and guide me to the couch in the green room I didn’t even remember running through on my quest to find a bathroom. She sat me down on the couch and handed me a bottle of water from the catering table nearby. Even though I was still covered in a cold sweat, the cool water felt nice. It soothed my raw throat a little, even if it felt a little wrong in my stomach. I took a few more small sips before thanking Annalee and settling down on the couch to attempt to take a nap.
“I’ll come see how you’re feeling before the show, okay?” She asked, and I nodded in reply. “Okay, good. And don’t lie to me. If you’re really not feeling well, I’m positive I can handle things by myself.”
Seeing no other options, I just shooed her away and curled up into a ball on the couch. My stomach still felt wrong, cold and empty, but I was slowly starting to feel better. At least the nausea was gone, and I didn’t think I would be making any more trips like that to the bathroom. I was just starting to drift off to sleep when someone gave me a soft nudge. I opened my eyes and saw Taylor peering down at me.
“Hey, are you feeling better?”
I shook my head, then regretted it, as the move only made me feel dizzy. “No, not really.”
Taylor frowned. “I hope we didn’t… overwhelm you with all that talk about the internship.”
“No,” I lied. “I’m sure it was just something I ate.”