How I Feel
I have a problem that I cannot explain,
I have no reason why it should have been so plain,
Have no questions but I sure have excuse,
I lack the reason why I should be so confused
Even though I had serious reservations about it, I knew I had to finish the next leg of the tour. I had committed to that and it was too late to back out. So, after a break that seemed to fly by, I was in Philadelphia with Annalee, ready to begin the tour all over again. If only it could have really been a new beginning, without any of the events of the last leg hanging over my head. But even though Zac had seemingly erased me from his life, everything that had happened was still there, still looming large in my memory.
We managed to time our arrival at the venue so that we would have just enough time to eat lunch and get our things settled into place before we had to start loading in for the night. I was relieved that it worked out so perfectly. Being on such a tight schedule meant there was less of a chance of running into Zac. Even though a part of me wanted to see him, the biggest part of me wanted to avoid him as much as possible. He was obviously finding a way to be happy with his life; inserting myself back into it would only mess that up. I was trying, for once, not to be selfish.
Our late arrival worked out pretty perfectly. If you don’t count the glances at the stage that I couldn’t stop myself from stealing during the show, when few people were at the merch booth, I didn’t see Zac at all until after the concert. I took my time loading out in hopes that it would be nearly bus call by the time I finished, but of course, I had no such luck there. In fact, I finished up right around the time that Zac finished signing autographs and chatting with the fans. I’d walked past the crowd of them a dozen or so times, invisible to both them and Zac, and tried my best not to crane my neck to get a look at him. I didn’t want to see him looking as happy as I knew he would. I didn’t want to see him looking angry, either, but it didn’t seem like I had a choice in that. As soon as he walked on the bus and saw me, a scowl planted itself on his face.
I wanted to scream at him and ask him why he suddenly hated me. I hadn’t forced him to cheat on his wife with me. I hadn’t forced him to do anything. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say any of that to him. Aside from the look on his face, he seemed utterly oblivious to my presence, and I decided it was actually better that way. If he was going to pretend I was nothing to him, I could do the same for him.
I settled onto the couch and pulled my notebook out of my bag. Lately I had wanted to get back into songwriting, even though I’d never thought I was very good at it. It was just something I did, especially when things were going badly. Songwriting was little more than an emotional outlet for me, not anything I really planned to do anything with. I was better at performing than actually creating.
Out of the corner of my eye, I couldn’t help watching Zac. I hoped he didn’t notice. I hoped even more than he didn’t ask what I was writing, but I doubted he would. He didn’t care that much about me. That was almost a relief, because he really didn’t need to know that I was writing about him.
Rather than pay any attention to me, he pulled a beer from the refrigerator and downed practically half of it at once. I had only seen Zac drink a few times, but every time it happened, it seemed he didn’t know any sort of limit. It worried me a little, but his brothers were the same. They’d both been a little drunk for half the tour, and I attributed that to all the beer promo. It wasn’t anything to worry about, I was sure. Still, the dark look in Zac’s eyes as he clutched his beer and headed to the back lounge of the bus chilled me to the bone.
I know, how I feel when I’m around you,
I don’t know, how I feel when I’m around you,
Around you
“Hey, Colby!” A cheerful voice called out, causing me to jump nearly off the couch. I hadn’t even heard the bus door open, yet there stood Taylor. His eyes darted down the bus hallway, no doubt trying to figure out what I’d been looking at, and the smile faded from his face. He sat down next to me. “How are you feeling about being back on tour?”
It was a fairly innocent question, but the way he’d worded it and the tone of his voice made it rather loaded. I knew what he was really asking, and I didn’t want to answer that. I didn’t want to think about that. Yet, I couldn’t stop thinking about it… thinking about Zac.
Finally, I just gave him a shrug. “It’s fine.”
“Is it?” He asked, eying me.
“I’ve only been back on tour for a few hours, Taylor. Hardly time to say whether I’m having fun or not.” That was harsh, I knew, but I couldn’t stop myself. I felt guilty, though. Taylor didn’t deserve that.
Taylor stared at me for a moment, probably trying to decide whether or not it was even worth it to attempt to continue this conversation. He stole a glance at my notebook before I could close it and asked, “What are you writing?”
I shrugged. “Songs. I guess. In theory, but I haven’t actually written anything yet.”
“Well, aren’t you just multitalented?” He asked with a smirk on his lips. “You play, you sing, you write… are you trying to work for us or put us out of business?”
It was a joke, I knew, but given all of my mixed feelings about going to work for 3CG, I didn’t find it very funny. Taylor nudged me gently, still grinning, and I managed a strangled little chuckle. “Yeah, I don’t… I don’t know, it’s just a hobby. I’m not really a writer.”
Taylor sighed. “Look, I know everything sucks right now, but I promise it will work out.”
“I just don’t see how,” I replied softly.
Taylor looked like he was going to say more, but he was interrupted by Zac walking by, on his way for another beer. We both watched him, but he seemed oblivious to our presence. Once he was gone, Taylor replied, “Honestly, I don’t see how, either.”
The worst part of touring was that it was impossible to avoid anyone. No matter how hard you tried, you would see them anyway. Even if you were trying to mind your own business, with just one tour bus and a relatively small crew sometimes doubling up duties to get everything done, it was impossible not to be practically on top of each other all the time. I never stood any real chance of avoiding Zac for the rest of the tour, and I knew that.
The venue in Toronto was a huge maze and it seemed like all of our belongings kept moving themselves around. Maybe we were all just confused by the veritable fun house of dressing rooms. I don’t know. It felt like I’d been wandering around forever trying to locate the last box of t-shirts which had somehow been moved backstage. Even before I opened the door to what I hoped was the green room, I heard voices, but I didn’t think much of it at first. They were so muffled that I couldn’t even tell who was speaking.
As I searched around that outer green room, I realized it was only one voice. And I knew that voice, far, far to well. I tried to ignore it, but it wasn’t muffled enough for me to drown out what were clearly frustrated, verging on angry words.
“You’re acting like you haven’t done this before, Katie,” he said. “Believe me, I’m not any happier about being away than you are, but what can I do? We planned this the best we could, and at least we got a few weeks together.”
I knew I shouldn’t have been listening, but I hadn’t searched this room yet. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop; it was simply unavoidable. Still, I tried to focus on searching through the mess in the room, not Zac’s increasingly angry phone conversation.
Left a message but it ain’t a bit of use,
I have some pictures, the wild might be the deuce,
Today you saw, you saw me, you explained,
Playing the show and running down the plane
“I know, Kate. I know. If it’s too much, I’m sure Mom and Dad can watch them after school. Or, and this is a radical idea, maybe you can rely on that nanny I’m paying for. That is why I give her a check every month, you know.”
His sarcastic tone made me cringe, even though for once I wasn’t the person all of his venom was being directed toward. At first, that made me feel better. Then I hated myself for feeling that way. Whatever Kate said back to him, I couldn’t entirely imagine her deserving all of his anger, especially when she was at home with three kids, one of whom was only a few weeks old. For the first time, I began to wonder if Zac wasn’t expecting too much of her, too. Maybe the things he’d told me about their marriage weren’t entirely unbiased. I wasn’t sure why that possibility hadn’t occurred to me sooner, but I felt stupid because it hadn’t.
“I’m done talking about this,” he spat. “No, I’m fucking done, Kate. We’re just going around in circles, and I have a job to do… yes, a job. I’m supposed to be at soundcheck already, and I’m late thanks to your whining.”
I was beginning to think that I had really dodged a bullet by getting out of that thing with Zac as soon as I had, even if it hadn’t been my choice. I didn’t want anyone to ever speak to me the way he spoke to his wife. I’d had enough of older men thinking they were smarter than me and could boss me around.
“No, I am not just trying to get you off the phone!” He screeched. “And what else would I be doing? I’m working, Kate, and I’m not going to listen to you accuse me of shit, yet again.”
The denial rolled off his lips so easily. He could play the victim and say that she accused him, but I knew—and Kate clearly suspected—that she had reason to distrust him. I could only hope she never found out that her suspicions were correct.
“I’m going now. No. No! Fine, we’ll talk about it later.” His last words were so laced with sarcasm that they made me feel sick.
I realized a second too late that he truly had hung up and was coming my way. Even though I’d spotted the box of t-shirts it was clearly that they didn’t hold my attention. The second Zac burst through the door and saw that I was in the room, he turned his vitriol on me.
“Were you fucking eavesdropping?”
“No, I—I was looking for these… these shirts.” The words came out in such a stuttered mess that even I didn’t believe them.
Zac’s face contorted in anger as he approached me. “Don’t fucking lie to me. You were listening, I know you were. How fucking dare you try to get in the middle of my marriage.”
“I… I didn’t…” I gaped at him, baffled that he could accuse me when he’d been just as much as fault as I was. I was too shocked to even call him out.
“You,” he said, like the word itself was a curse, and stepped in close to my face. “You need to stop trying to ruin my marriage. Just stay the fuck out of my marriage and my life and everything will be fine.”
He shoved past me then and hurried out of the room. After he left, I stared at the door he’d slammed behind him. I wanted to be so angry with him, but beneath his own angry words, I could hear how hurt he was. I knew Zac was misplacing blame and trying to convince himself that someone other than himself was at fault.
It didn’t make his outburst any easier to swallow, though, and I decided that I much preferred it when he was ignoring me entirely.
I know, how I feel when I’m around you,
I don’t know, how I feel when I’m around you,
I, I know, how I feel when I’m around you,
I don’t know, how I feel when I’m around you,
Around you, Around you, Around you…