Fading
For the next three days, I did my best to ignore Zac. It was childish, I suppose, but he seemed to be ignoring me too. It was like we had regressed back to the beginning when we could barely even stand each other. The progress we had made, though I supposed it had only been an illusion anyway, had all been undone overnight by Abraham’s birth. I didn’t blame the kid, though. He was an innocent, brought into a situation that I couldn’t help thinking was still less than ideal and would remain that way even after this honeymoon period for Zac was over.
None of that made me feel any better about seeing him practically glowing all the time, then that light fading to darkness whenever I happened to catch his eye.
Soon enough, though, it was time for our break. We had two weeks off, two weeks during which Kate had been expected to give birth. It felt weird to be excited about taking that break given the reason it existed, and then I felt bad for being upset. I had to remind myself constantly how selfish I was; she had already been pregnant, already been his wife long before I came into the picture. I had no right to be upset.
Whatever the reason for those two weeks off, I was just glad to finally be heading for the airport to take them. It was just Annalee and me heading back to New York, and our flight was scheduled just early enough that we didn’t have time to really say goodbye to anyone. I was glad for that; I had gotten attached to few of them aside from Zac. I had no need to say goodbye. I wasn’t going to miss them, and I didn’t want to miss him.
In just a few short hours, we were back on the east coast, scanning the inside of LaGuardia for Avery’s smiling face. She was the only Hanson I could have possibly been happy to see right then, and I truly was happy to see her, even though I knew she wasn’t going to let me rest like I wanted. She had scheduled cake testings, dress fittings and all sorts of things during the next few weeks, and I had no doubt that she would be peppering me with questions about my time on tour the whole time.
It was easy to spot Avery’s tall figure practically bouncing up and down in the crowd, waving an arm toward us. As soon as we approached, she wrapped us both up in her arms and squealed. “I missed you girls so much!”
Annalee giggled. “We’ve only been gone for two months!”
“I know,” Avery replied. “But it feels like forever.”
I nodded my agreement, trying to force a smile so she wouldn’t realize just how long it had felt to me. I had felt a lifetime of emotions in those two months, falling in and out of love, in and out of hate…
“Come on, let’s get your luggage and then you girls can tell me all about it over lunch. Then I have to show you the dresses I have picked out!”
Avery was far too cheerful for me to handle right then, but I followed behind her as she chattered on about dresses and invitations and all manner of other wedding details. The whole time, I still felt like I was going to be sick. It seemed there would be no getting away from how I felt about Zac, no escaping the awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. Even returning home had done nothing to fix me. Maybe nothing could.
“I really think I liked the devil’s food best,” Avery said. “What about you?”
“It was good, especially with the raspberries, but the one… was it hazelnut-almond? That one was amazing,” Annalee replied.
“What about you, Colby?”
I glanced up from the latte I’d been staring into. “Hmm?”
“Which flavor cake did you like best?” Avery asked, her tone surprisingly not showing any annoyance with me for having obviously drifted away from the conversation.
“Oh, umm…” I struggled to even remember what flavors we had tried during the cake testing that also doubled as a celebration of Avery’s birthday. “The one with the pralines?”
Avery nodded. “The other devil’s food? That was good, too.”
I tried not to let my relief show that I’d at least managed to name a flavor we had actually tried. After days and days of endless wedding planning, it was all starting to blur together. Of course I wanted to help Avery. She was my friend, and I wanted to be there for her. But every time I thought about her wedding, I remembered that Zac would be there… and so would his wife and children. Then I remembered that I would see him again in just a few short days. Then I felt like I was going to barf. It was a vicious cycle.
“And I definitely don’t have room for this sandwich after that that buttercream,” Avery added, picking up her tuna salad sandwich by the crust, then letting it fall back to her plate.
I nodded and chuckled softly in reply to that. That I understood, at least. I hadn’t even ordered any sort of food to go with my latte, and even that didn’t seem to be agreeing with my stomach. I blamed it on the rich cake and frosting, but it felt like there was more to it than that. My moods always affected my appetite; I lost ten pounds I couldn’t afford to loose in just a week or two of my parents’ death, and my weight fluctuated like crazy during midterms and finals.
An awkward silence fell over the table, all of us seemingly running out of things to talk about at the same time. The silence was finally broken by Annalee pushing back her chair and stating that she was going to go use the little girls room.
Once she was gone, Avery scooted forward and put her elbows on the table. She gave me a pointed look. “Okay, spill. What’s wrong?”
“Wrong?” I echoed, trying to sound clueless.
“Yes, wrong,” she replied. “You haven’t been acting like your normal self ever since you got back. Not that you’re ever exactly a ray of sunshine—no offense—but this is bad even for you. You miss being on the road already or what?”
“No, it’s not…” I sighed, trying to think up some sort of believable lie. “I mean, I don’t know. Touring is different than I expected. I don’t mean to whine, but it’s… it’s hard work.”
None of that was entirely a lie, but it wasn’t the entire story, either. But it was enough to make Avery nod as thought she understood perfectly what I meant. “It is tough, I know. I guess I’m used to it, since I grew up doing it. But I know for other people it takes a lot of getting used to. Natalie adjusted pretty quickly, but I know Kate has always kind of hated it.”
I bristled at the mention of her name, and then hated myself for it. Sure, she had been rude to me that one time, but I could almost understand her reasoning. I had no real reason to hate her other than being jealous that she had what I wanted. Still, I didn’t like the thought that I might have something else in common with her.
“The first tour is always rough,” Avery continued. “But after the next month, getting to travel all over Europe… it’ll feel worth it then, I promise.”
Worth it. It was an odd choice of words, because that was exactly what I feared. That trying to start my career this way wasn’t going to be worth it if I had to spend so much time with Zac. The more I thought about it, the more I really didn’t think it was worth it. Seeing him now that everything between us was so clearly over would be torture. Accepting their offer to move to Tulsa and work for them would be even worse.
As soon as that thought occurred to me, I felt my stomach turn again. I hadn’t even thought about that job offer for weeks. It had seemed great, if a big change, before, but now it sounded like a prison sentence. Living in Tulsa, seeing his wife and family all the time… I couldn’t do it. There was no way.
“I know it’s a lot of change all at once, but you’ll moved to Tulsa and get settled in and it’ll be great. You’ll really enjoy working for them,” Avery said.
Was she reading my mind? She couldn’t be. Then she would know all the awful things I’d done. I doubted she would be so happy and positive if she’d known about my affair with her brother. Still, the fact that she brought up exactly the thing I was dreading—moving to Tulsa to work for their label—freaked me out.
Before I could reply to that and tell Avery I wasn’t even sure that I wanted to take the job, Annalee returned to the table, oblivious to the conversation she’d walked in on.
“So, have we picked a cake flavor yet?” She asked.
“Not yet,” Avery replied. “We were just talking about touring and working for my brothers.”
“Oh, have you decided for sure to take the job?” Annalee asked.
It was now or never, I supposed. I shook my head. “Not really. I mean, leaving New York… moving… I don’t know. It’s a lot to think about.”
“That’s just an excuse,” Avery replied with a wave of her hand. “You’re just scared of change, but you’ll adjust. I know you will.”
It was an excuse, but not in the way that she thought. It was an excuse because I couldn’t tell her how horrible living that near to Zac, working with him every day, sounded. Maybe I wasn’t being fair to her. Maybe she would understand if I tried to explain it to her. But I doubted it. I didn’t see how she could see me as anything but what I knew I was—a homewrecker.
Annalee nodded. “Tulsa is different from New York, and maybe I’m biased because it’s where I’m from, but it’s a great place. You’ll love it. And you’ll love working for the guys, I’m sure. If I were trying to get into the music business, I’d want to work for them. I just like touring and getting to see new places, though.”
“Speaking of new places,” Avery cut in. “Why aren’t you going with them to Disney?”
Annalee pouted. “They aren’t going to set up a merch booth there. Plus, we’d have to pay our own way in; they get to stay for free, but since we wouldn’t technically be part of the crew, they couldn’t really get our admission paid for.”
“Aww, well maybe next time,” Avery replied.
“Maybe,” I said, feeling like I practically needed to reach down my throat and yank the word out. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it at all, but it was what Avery expected to hear.
The truth was, I wasn’t upset at all about having a few extra days away from the tour, especially since I knew a lot of their family would be at Disney with them. I couldn’t imagine being around that circus right now… or ever. The more I thought about it, the more I didn’t see how I could possibly accept their job offer, or even finish out this tour.