Any Way I Can
As the tour went on, Zac and I became experts at finding ways to be together without being terribly suspicious. His stash of pot seemed never ending, and I found I was more of a stoner than I’d ever been before. If it meant spending more time with him, letting our hands brush together a little too long as we passed a joint back and forth, then I was all for it.
“So have you thought about what you’re doing after the tour?” Taylor asked, slipping the joint from my hand.
That made me freeze, my mouth hanging open. I really hadn’t thought about it at all. I knew I should have been thinking about the future, but I didn’t want to. In less than three weeks, Zac would leave to tend to his wife as she gave birth to their third child. The future wasn’t my friend. But in ignoring it, I had forgotten to think about the offer to work for 3CG. That offer meant something entirely different now that Zac and I were sleeping together.
Taylor chuckled. “Sorry, it’s just, you know… all kinds of paperwork we gotta take care if you’re definitely going to come work for us.”
“Come on, Tay,” Zac said, scooting almost imperceptibly closer to me. “She doesn’t wanna think about paperwork right now.”
“Sorry, sorry,” he replied, passing the joint back to Zac.
I watched Zac as he took a long hit. What would happen after the tour? Of course I wanted to follow Zac back to Tulsa, but I couldn’t see how that would end well. Could I really go through my life, for however long, living in such close proximity to his family? It would almost be easier just to cut ties and go back to New York, but I knew that wouldn’t bring me happiness either. Neither option seemed all that great.
“Hey,” Zac said softly, holding the joint so close to my face that I barely had to lean in at all to close my lips around it. I hoped Taylor didn’t notice the way I trembled as my lips touched Zac’s fingers. I knew Zac noticed by the look in his eyes as I sucked in a deep hit.
A few minutes later, the joint was gone and Taylor decided to call it a night. It hadn’t been the first time he’d smoked with us, but it felt like the longest he’d lingered, seemingly watching us. I had to wonder if he knew there was something going on between us, but I decided I was just being paranoid. It wasn’t as thought Zac and I had even talked about what we were doing; I didn’t even know what this thing between us was.
Before leaving the back lounge, Taylor reminded me to think about whether or not I wanted to take the internship. It only made my stomach turn to think about it, and I was pretty sure Zac could tell. As soon as Taylor was gone, he pulled me closer until I was practically in his lap. We already had a blanket pulled over us so anyone who walked in wouldn’t have known how close we were, although I was sure that fact still didn’t make us look any less suspicious.
“You okay, Colbs?” He asked, leaning his head against mine.
“Yeah, it’s just… you know, everything Taylor said. I didn’t really want to think about all of that.”
Zac nodded. “It’s not like you have to decide right away, though. I mean, it won’t be until after Christmas, if you do move out to Tulsa. That’s a few months.”
“It’ll go by fast,” I countered. “I haven’t thought about… the future… at all.”
“It’s just a job,” he replied.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “It’s really not, Zac. I mean, you’ll be there and…”
I trailed off, but the change in Zac’s expression said that he understood what I meant. Tour was like its own little world, where it was easy to pretend that the things we did had no effect outside of this little bubble we were in. But that was silly. Of course there was a ripple effect, and it would only get worse if we allowed this to continue once the tour was over. Zac’s furrowed brow said that he was only just realizing this, and he had no answers for me.
“Colby, I… I’m not gonna lie, I really like the idea of having you near me all the time. Working in the same office, going out for drinks after work together…”
I raised an eyebrow. “And how often will you really be going out for drinks after work when you’ve got a new baby at home?”
“Yeah, well…” Zac mumbled, his gaze falling from mine. “That’s the thing, I guess. I don’t know how we could make this work in Tulsa, but I still want you near me. I still want to see you all the time, even if that’s it. Even if I just see you and I can’t touch you. Now that you’re in my life, I want to keep you in it.”
“But how can you?” I asked.
“Any way I can,” he replied, pulling me closer and kissing the top of my head. “I don’t know what the future holds, Colbs. I just know that I don’t want to let you go, not right now, not ever. Whether we can ever make this… something more… I don’t know. We’ll just have to wait and see.”
I nodded. It wasn’t an ideal answer, but I knew it was the only one he had. It was all we could possibly do. Wait.
Thanks to Zac’s sudden tattoo idea, I hadn’t had a chance to gamble while we were in Las Vegas. When we reached the casino in Winnipeg, I decided to give it a try. It was huge, so even though I was certain it was crawling with Hanson fans, I still felt fairly anonymous as I wandered around in search of a game to play.
I wasn’t surprised at all when Zac found me and sat down at the machine next to mine, his hair tucked up into a baseball cap as though that would disguise him.
“Trying to hit the big bucks?” He asked.
I shrugged. “Trying to waste some time. I don’t need the money.”
“You keep saying stuff like that,” he remarked. “Sounds so… shady. What, is your family in the mob or something?”
“Yes, Zac,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “I’m Italian, so clearly my dad was a mafia don.”
“It was just a joke…” Zac mumbled. For a moment, he only pressed buttons on his machine, then turned back to me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it. I know your parents are…”
I nodded to cut him off. “And that’s why I don’t have to worry about money, okay? Between the insurance payout and all the property and crap I had to sell afterward, I don’t really even need to work. Not right now, at least. But I like knowing I’ve got some money that’s actually my own, even if I am just putting most of it in savings.”
“Oh, I didn’t… I didn’t think about that.”
“I know,” I replied, my tone a little shorter than I meant it to be. “It’s fine. I don’t talk about it a lot, especially the money. My dad was a lawyer, so he did make a lot of money, and he was smart with it. I kept the house and some stuff that had sentimental meaning… but that’s about it.”
Zac nodded slowly, then nudged my shoulder and pointed to the screen on my digital slot machine. “Well, looks like you’ve got some more money to add to your savings.”
I looked where he was pointing. I’d been playing the game the whole time, although my attention was barely on it, and somehow I’d racked up a hundred dollar jackpot. That was likely to be the best I did, so I cashed out and snatched up the card that would tell the casino how much to pay me.
“What are you gonna do with all that cash?” Zac asked, frowning as his own total dropped down to zero.
I shrugged, spinning around in my chair to watch him finish his game. “Probably nothing. Put it in the bank. Pay my cell phone bill. I don’t spoil myself.”
“You should,” he replied, cashing out and spinning around to face me. “Even if it’s just something tacky from the gift shop. Come on.”
Even though I rolled my eyes, which Zac ignored, I had to follow him. When he told me to do something, I was pathetically powerless to say no. As Zac walked away, strutting like he owned the place, I could do nothing but follow behind him. He barely even glanced back to make sure I was there.
He bypassed the customer service desk and headed straight to the gift shop, grinning like a kid in a candy shop. It was amazing to me how the littlest things seemed to excite him at times, when at other times he seemed so jaded with everything that he felt decades older than me rather than just five years. Right then, though, I felt like I was babysitting him, chasing after him as he darted into the store and started touching practically everything they had for sale.
“This is what you were looking for, right?” He asked, holding up a shirt with a glittery moose design on the front. I didn’t think I would ever cease to be amazed by the tacky tourist merch I had seen during this tour.
“Yes,” I replied, trying to keep a straight face. “That’s exactly what I’ve been missing in my wardrobe.”
Zac grinned. “I thought so. I’m buying it for you.”
“I thought I was supposed to be spending my winnings?” I asked.
“Maybe I wanna treat you,” he replied with a shrug. “What size?”
“Medium,” I replied. “But you don’t have to buy it.”
Zac turned back to face me, his expression surprisingly serious. “I want to. I know, it’s just a stupid shirt, but can you just let me do something for you? I can’t do much for you, not… not in the ways I want to. Not… publicly. But let me do this, okay?”
I stared blankly at him for a moment, letting his words sink in. Once they did, I could only nod. Again, how could I ever refuse Zac when he asked something of me? I couldn’t; it was that simple.
“Okay,” he replied, grinning. “Good. It’s not much, but… oh, you think I should get a matching one?”
“I think that will look a little suspicious,” I said.
“Well, we won’t wear them at the same time,” Zac replied.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, sure. Get whatever you want.”
Zac stepped in closer to me, still grinning. Lowering his voice a little, he said, “I really want to kiss you right now. But I can’t. I know I can’t. That’s what I mean, you know? I have to watch everything I do when I’m with you, so when I find one thing I can do, even if it’s just buying you something… let me do it, please?”
“I said okay,” I replied softly. “Don’t kiss me, though.”
Zac tilted his head to the side and smirked. “You saying you don’t want me to kiss you?”
“I’m not saying that at all. Just… not here.”
“Well….” he said, still smirking. “Let me pay for these, we’ll cash in your winnings and then I think we’ll still have an hour to waste. Can I kiss you in my hotel room?”
“I think that’ll work,” I replied with a smirk of my own.
I had a feeling that, once we were safely hidden away in his hotel room, he would do a lot more than just kiss me.