Sun and Moon
If anything really changed after Zac and I had sex, I didn’t notice. It was hard to, since it seemed he was still doing everything he could to avoid me. I noticed the change in his solo, from a sappy love song to something a little more angsty—still a love song, but a sad one. That had to be a coincidence, I decided.
Why I had let myself be convinced that anything other than sex was happening between us, I didn’t know. It was so stupid of me.
It wasn’t until we settled into the bus for the drive to Albuquerque that I actually saw Zac for more than a few seconds. He was already planted in the back lounge with his video games when I found him. Although I settled in with a book, I couldn’t help stealing glances at Zac and hoping he didn’t notice. Up close, the strange marks that I thought I’d seen on his arm when he played piano made no more sense to me, and I couldn’t stop myself from asking.
“What’s that on your arm?”
His eyes flickered to his arm, as though he’d forgotten the marks were even there, then up to meet my eyes. “It’s just a thing we do. I think Tay started it… stands for unity, passion and music. After everything that happened last year, how we almost didn’t make this album… I guess it got me thinking about that again. And how I hope we’ve found all of that again.”
“That’s really cool,” I replied. There was something I liked about those three lines, I decided. They were haphazard and a little smudged, but still deliberate.
Zac stared down at his arm for a moment. “I guess this would make a decent tattoo, huh? I mean, it’s not very pretty, but…”
“But it’s meaningful to you,” I finished for him. “You could add other stuff to it, I guess. To make it prettier.”
“Yeah,” he replied, nodding. “I draw on myself a lot, especially when I get bored.”
“Maybe you should be a tattoo artist then,” I said, grinning a little.
“Can I draw on you?” He asked softly.
I blinked, replaying his words in my mind a few times before finally replying, “Y-yeah… yeah, sure.”
“Who knows, maybe I can draw your next tattoo,” he said, grinning. “What do you want? And where?”
“I don’t know, I hadn’t really thought about it…” I replied. A second later, I blurted out, “A sun and moon. And umm, I guess on my back? Since I don’t have any there.”
Zac nodded. “Okay, well… why don’t you lay down across the couch?”
“Yeah, okay,” I replied, already trembling just as the thought of Zac being so close to me. I was glad I’d worn a dress with a low back; at least I wouldn’t have to take off any clothing for this. I didn’t think I could handle that at all.
While Zac dug around in his bag for a pen he thought would work on my skin, I shifted around so that I was lying on my stomach on the couch. Zac took a seat on the floor next to me and I willed myself not to turn my head and look at him. If I did that, our faces would be far too close together. There was no way I would be able to resist the urge to kiss him.
When he ran his hand lightly across my back, I was reasonably certain I might just drop dead on the spot. “Sun and moon, right?” He asked.
“Yeah…” I practically whispered.
Long dark hair
That washes over me
Like a ray of sunlight
That warms me as I wake
‘Cause I need you now
As Zac began to draw, the pen tickling my skin and his hand burning hot, I tried to figure out why that had popped into my head as an idea. Of course, it was just a drawing; it wasn’t like I was going to go out and get that tattooed onto myself immediately. The words of one of my brand new favorite Hanson songs, of course sung by Zac, popped into my head and I decided that must have been the inspiration. Romeo and Juliet had always been one of my favorite Shakespearean plays anyway.
“I don’t know if you wanna get this, but… I think you should definitely get something tattooed on your back,” Zac said softly. The tenderness in his voice surprised me… and turned me on a little.
“Yeah? You think it’ll look good?”
His hand paused for a moment. “Yeah… yeah, definitely. Not that you’re not already… beautiful…”
Before I could stop myself, I turned my head to face him. He was blushing a little, and that only made him look more beautiful to me. “You… you think I’m…?”
“Well, yeah,” he said, shrugging. “I mean, I wouldn’t have—not that that’s the only reason I… I just mean, of course I do. After what we did, do you really have to ask if I think you’re beautiful?”
“You still can’t say it, can you?” I asked. “And honestly, I don’t know why we… had sex. I mean, it just… happened.”
Zac nodded. “It did, but… it wasn’t like I hadn’t been thinking about it. I wanted you; I want you.”
Nothing ever goes the right way
Got to live life day by day
Hearts will bind you they’re there to remind you of
Where you stand
I could only stare up at him blankly. It seemed obvious, but hearing him actually say the words made it real somehow.
He leaned in closer and lowered his voice. “And I can say it. We fucked, Colby.”
The words he said and the smirk on his lips made me shiver. Before I did something stupid, I turned back around and settled in to let him finish his drawing. His every touch made me shiver, but I tried to fight it so that I wouldn’t smudge his drawing. His right hand came to rest on my hip, gently holding me into place, but somehow that didn’t stop my trembling at all.
Finally, after what felt like forever, he stopped. “There. I think it’s done. Umm, let me take a pic so you can see it…”
I laid perfectly still as Zac took a picture. A second after his phone’s camera clicked, he slid the phone onto the couch in front of my face. It was weird to see my body from that angle, but it was the drawing that took my breath away. He’d drawn the sun and moon as one being, their faces connected so that they almost appeared to be kissing. Flames extended from the sun side, while a cluster of stars were grouped around the moon. It was… perfect.
“Can you text me this pic?” I asked. “I just want to hang onto it.”
“Yeah, no problem,” he replied, scooting onto the couch next to me and grabbing his phone. A few seconds later, I felt my phone buzz in my dress’s pocket, but I didn’t bother looking at it since I already knew the reason why. Zac slid his own phone back into his pocket, then gave me a more serious look. “So, umm… about the whole sex thing…”
He trailed off and I was fairly certain my heart had stopped.
“I don’t, umm, I don’t know what’s happening here, Colbs…” he finally continued. “I’m so out of my depth here, and I don’t… I don’t know where this is going to go.”
“I don’t know either…” I admitted.
Zac pulled me closer and kissed the top of my head. “We’ll figure it out, Colbs.”
I wished I could be so certain as he was, but I just didn’t see this thing between us ending well. How could it? Still, as long as I was in his arms, I felt a little better.
I’ll never see you home
‘Cause then I’d sleep alone
Each morning as I wake
The sun is always brighter when you stay
The next day in Albuquerque, it was sweltering. As much as I didn’t want to, I’d scrubbed the ink pen tattoo off in the shower. I didn’t want to spend the day with it dripping down my back and staining my clothes. Even wearing a backless shirt wouldn’t solve the problem, and it would only expose the fake tattoo to everyone. Somehow it seemed like a thing that needed to stay a secret… like everything else that passed between Zac and I.
Even though I had washed the tattoo off, I couldn’t stop staring at the picture of it that Zac had texted me. I had saved the photo to my phone, and I found myself opening it over and over again, whenever I had a spare moment. When a phone call popped up on the screen and blocked my view, I was irrationally angry, until I realized the caller was Avery. I hadn’t spoken to her in a few days… not since before…
“Hello?” I said.
“Colby, hey,” she replied. “Hadn’t heard from you in a while. I don’t even know where you guys are now.”
“Umm, neither do I,” I joked, laughing awkwardly. “No, I think we’re in New Mexico. First time I’ve ever been here.”
“I bet you’ve been a lot of places on this tour that you’ve never been before.”
You have no idea, I thought. Out loud, I said, “Yeah… I’ve been to Europe, but I’ve seen very little of the US, especially out west. Guess it was about time to change that.”
“You sound a little more like you’re enjoying yourself,” she remarked.
“I do?” I asked. “I guess… yeah, I guess I am.”
“What changed? Just getting into the swing of things?”
“I… umm, yeah, I guess…” I replied.
Of course I couldn’t tell her why things had changed. I hadn’t even truly realized that they had. Even though I was still scared and unsure of what the future held for Zac and I, being with him… it did make me happy. It was like two magnets trying to pull themselves away from each other, trying to fight their very nature. Once we’d given in and let ourselves be attracted to each other, everything just seemed better. We weren’t fighting ourselves anymore.
“Colby? Are you listening?”
“Huh?”
Avery giggled. “That’s what I thought. I know, all this wedding planning is really boring. I was just saying that we need to start figuring out all the decorations when you get back. All the centerpieces and stuff. I have so many ideas, but I can’t do them all, as much as I want to. You’ll help me decide, right?”
“Yeah… of course…” I replied, because I knew it was what she wanted to hear.
My mind was elsewhere, though… on the gorgeous boy who had just walked into the room, in fact. It was amazing and more than a little silly how Zac took my breathe away every time I saw him. Even with that stupid mustache he hadn’t seen fit to shave off yet, he was beautiful. He was fresh off their walk, his shirt matted to his chest with sweat, and I had to will myself not to start drooling.
He barely even seemed to notice me as he wandered around the green room, sipping a bottle of water. When his eyes finally did land on me, his entire face lit up and he gave me a smile that made me feel like I was going to melt. I’d known how awful it felt to have him glare at me, but I’d had no idea just how much better his smiles would feel.
Avery was still chattering on about centerpieces and bouquets as Zac stepped in closer to me. I found it harder and harder to pay attention to her, especially when he sat down next to me on the couch and began peppering my neck with kisses. He brushed back my hair and kissed the tattoos behind my ear, making me shiver.
“H-hey, Ave?” I said. “I probably need to start setting up the merch booth, so I’m… I’m gonna have to let you go, alright?”
“Alright,” she replied. “I’ll text you some pics of those bouquets. Talk to you later.”
“Later…” I mumbled, letting my phone fall from my ear as I ended the call. I glanced over at Zac and shook my head. “You are horrible, Zac.”
“I know,” he replied, chuckling. “But you love me anyway.”
I didn’t dare reply to that. The words had just slipped out without him even thinking about them, I was sure. He certainly didn’t need to know that I already was falling for him.
Nothing ever goes the right way
Got to live life day by day
Hearts will bind you they’re there to remind you of
Where you stand