Taylor was dismayed, but not particularly surprised that Nicholas seemed to make himself scarce over the next few days. There were so many guests at the castle that most hardly even seemed to notice that their host was barely present. He managed to appear for dinner, but he was only going through the motions. In spite of the short time they had known each other, Taylor could tell the difference. The sparkle he so loved to see in Nicholas’s eyes was gone entirely.
And he had a sinking feeling that he was the cause.
The final night brought a massive ball that saw more and more people piling into the castle in their finest. Taylor, however, could not relax and enjoy himself at all. He sat brooding in a corner, declining all offers to dance except for Natalie’s.
As he spun her around the room, he was surprised to see Zac and Kate dancing as well. He opened his mouth to make some sort of remark to Natalie about it, then realized he had no clue what to say at all. He would have to ask her about it later, he decided. Perhaps she knew something he didn’t.
When the song ended, a hush went over the room and Taylor realized his father had stepped up, Lady Diana and Natalie’s parents standing just behind him. He raised a glass and cleared his throat.
“May we all say a toast to the, hopeful, healthy return of my eldest son. I know we have all suffered long, waiting for any word that he was well. We have received word, and do hope to hear more soon. While he was gone, I know that we all felt the family was frozen, unable to see how to proceed. That time has, I hope, passed. And so, it is with great pleasure that I wish to announce that Taylor and Lady Natalie will be wed at Christmas, which will surely make it a very happy Christmas for both of our families. To family, and young love!”
A cheer went up from the crowd as what seemed like a thousand glasses were clinked together. The sound was beautiful, but Taylor could hardly even force a smile, particularly as he saw Nicholas slip quietly from the room.
Taylor waited until the band had begun again before turning back to Natalie and giving her a weak smile. “I’m afraid I must chase after your cousin. Do make some excuse for me, should anyone ask.”
“Cousin Nicholas has always had a flare for the dramatic,” Natalie replied. “Give him time and he’ll be fine. It isn’t as if this is a surprise to anyone.”
“It isn’t, but I do feel I should have talked it over with him first. So I must do what I can now to smooth things over.”
“Good luck,” Natalie said softly, giving Taylor’s hand a gentle squeeze before letting go. She gave him a nod that was as good as granting her permission, and he turned to make his way through the crowd.
If anyone noticed him leaving, no one said a word, and Taylor was very grateful for that. They would no doubt murmur about him in his absence, but so long as he did not have to answer any of their questions, Taylor found that he truly didn’t care.
All that mattered right then was tracking down Nicholas and doing whatever he could to make certain things were okay between the two of them.
Finally, Taylor spied a familiar figure slumped over the edge of a wall that overlooked the castle gardens. He did not want to call out to him, for fear that Nicholas would run or worse, simply shut down and refuse to speak to him. He took his steps as loudly as possible, giving him plenty of warning and time to decide which course of action was best.
He did not run, and Taylor decided to take this as a good sign.
“Taylor,” Nicholas said softly as Taylor came to stand beside him.
“Nicholas,” Taylor echoed. “I can’t pretend to know what you’re feeling right now.”
“No, I don’t suppose you can,” Nicholas replied. “As much as our positions are similar, I’m finding they are also quite different. You know of course it is only a matter of time before I am pressured to marry as well. Two marquesses in a row to die unmarried and childless simply wouldn’t do at all.”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Taylor asked.
Nicholas tuned to stare at him. “How will you feel when I announce my engagement to some woman you likely don’t even know? Who couldn’t possibly understand us?”
“It is, as you said, what is expected of you. What you must do.”
“Yes,” Nicholas said, “but how will you feel about it?”
“How I feel doesn’t change anything. We do what is required of us. And what is required is that we marry and have children. For you even moreso than for me, if Isaac does indeed return home. The pressure is off me soon, I hope.”
“Then why get married now?” Nicholas asked.
“If Isaac did not return, if everyone accepted that he would not—I mean no disrespect to either of your families, but Natalie is not a good match for a viscount. But I like her—love her, even, though not in that way. We have an understanding that I do not believe I could find with any other woman. Our future may be more certain than it was just a few weeks ago, but I realized I cannot risk being matched with someone else who would not leave me free to pursue my desires. It did neither of us any good to delay longer.”
“You still have not answered my question. Or, I suppose, you have. You would not care at all if I married.”
Taylor stared incredulously at him. “Whether I care or not is irrelevant. It must happen. We cannot change that, no matter how much we want to. So what good does it do either of us to whinge about it?”
“What good does it do—” Nicholas began, then trailed off, shaking his head. “You forget that I was not raised for this. I was not prepared to live a life that was not my own. I don’t know how to do this as well as you do, Taylor. Don’t you see that half the reason I’m attracted to you is that you are everything I wish I was? Poised, confident, prepared for his duty.”
“I am flattered that you see me that way,” Taylor said, his tone only a little incredulous. “Inside, I am falling apart. Constantly. Piece by piece. You must see that. I may have been raised for this, but that does not make it easy.”
“My goodness, we’re a mess,” Nicholas replied, chuckling softly. “No wonder we found each other.”
“I suppose so,” Taylor said. “And for what it is worth, I am truly sorry that I did not approach you first. You should have known. I don’t know what will become of us, of this thing between us, but I do not want to lose it. To lose you. We can never fully be each other’s, but I could be more respectful of your feelings. I promise to do so in the future, if you’ll have me.”
“If I’ll have you,” Nicholas echoed. “As if there were any doubt. Would I be such an emotional mess now if I did not want you?”
“I suppose not,” Taylor replied sheepishly, risking a few steps closer to him.
“I do adore you, you know,” Nicholas said softly.
“I do know,” Taylor replied. “And I feel the same. More than you know.”
For what seemed like the first time in days, Nicholas smiled. Taylor put his hands on either side of Nicholas’s face and pressed their foreheads together. He knew this was only a first step, and they still had endless battles ahead of them. He was confident, now, that they could win those battles.
They simply had to. There was no other option.
Somehow, Jessica had convinced her parents to let her remain at Beasley Hall while the rest of the family went off to hunt and party at Longford Castle. Jessica could not imagine herself partying right then at all. While the world was still at war and injured men were still pouring into the hospital, there was, as far as she was concerned, nothing to celebrate at all.
Except perhaps one thing.
Her new friend, Teddy, seemed to be growing stronger each day. She knew it was likely only a matter of time before he was well enough to be released, and she did not know what she would do then. Would they be able to keep in touch? Would her family allow it?
Although she would never admit it to anyone, a part of her was glad of the war. It meant she did not need to worry about anything but day to day living. It meant her family had not given a single thought to finding a match for her. She was allowed to remain in this suspended state between childhood and adulthood, and she found she quite liked the freedom that it gave her.
On the morning before her family was set to return home, she found herself running a bit late. There was truly no set schedule; there was no shortage of volunteers, and anyone could jump in and fill her place if she didn’t come at all. But Jessica liked to be punctual, and it bothered her to stray from that habit.
Something about it just felt wrong, though she could not say what. It simply set her on edge, making the whole day feel off somehow.
When she finally made it to the hospital, that off feeling did not go away. It seemed to be an exceptionally busy day, nurses and doctors rushing around so that she could hardly elbow her way into the ward.
Jessica finally managed grab a young nurse’s arm and stop her. “What’s going on? What’s all the fuss about?”
“One of the soldiers has had a relapse of some sort,” the nurse replied.
“Who? What happened?” Jessica asked breathlessly.
It suddenly occurred to her that she was being shuttled out of the room. Nurses had gathered around her, two at each arm, and they were easily maneuvering her outside. The image of the pandemonium inside was burned into her eyelids and she belatedly released that everyone had seemed to be congregated around one bed in particular.
Teddy’s.
“Is he… what’s happened to him? To Teddy?” Jessica finally managed to ask the one nurse who had remained by her side in the courtyard.
“A hemorrhage. He’s developed internal bleeding that had previously been overlooked. In truth, we do not know how long it has gone untreated.”
“And will he be—“ Jessica could not finish her sentence.
The nurse shook her head. “We do not yet know. If the bleeding has gone on for too long, there may be irreparable damage. The doctors are doing everything they can, you must believe that. The doctors here are the best. They will not stop until they have exhausted all of their resources.”
“But it may not be enough.”
“It may not,” the nurse agreed. “But it may. Anything is possible. You must believe that.”
Jessica nodded, but she did not. She did not believe it at all.
It was as if she had wished upon a monkey’s paw. She had spent so long hoping for her brother’s return, to save her family from ruin. She had feared the worst and known that they were doomed if Isaac did not return. Yet she had enjoyed her freedom and the fact that her job had afforded her the chance to talk to men like she could not have before.
In order to have Isaac returned to her, she realized, she must sacrifice this growing friendship with Teddy. She knew without question that he would be taken from her. No matter what the doctors did, Jessica was sure that the bargain had already been made.
Due to her attachment to him, they would not allow her inside the hospital while the doctors were operating. Jessica paced the courtyard for a time, but found that that only made her more anxious. She found a seat and pulled out her book. It was not the same, reading to herself. She wondered if it would ever feel the same again.
In only a matter of weeks, everything had changed.
Jessica had thought women like her did not feel these sort of emotions. They couldn’t afford to. They married out of duty, not out of love. Perhaps they did still fall in love, though. Jessica had never asked. Perhaps they did fall in love, but perhaps not always with the men they had to marry. She had never considered that before. She did not want to consider it now.
She had just finished the book when finally the same nurse emerged through the doorway again. She gave Jessica a small nod, and Jessica didn’t dare ask if that were a good sign or not.
“You may see him now,” the nurse said simply.
Jessica nodded, and followed her to the east wing where Teddy now lay, separate from the rest of the soldiers. Although she knew that was likely not a good sign, Jessica was glad of it. It gave her some privacy with him, which the doctors and nurses seemed to understand that she needed. Although she knew they were waiting just outside the door, she still appreciated being allowed a moment alone with Teddy.
He was pale, and Jessica had to watch him for a moment to be assured that he was still breathing. He was, but barely. It was the only sign that he still lived at all, and Jessica suspected he would not for much longer. Anyone who spent much time on a war ward developed a sort of sixth sense; men had a certain look about them when they were not long for the world, and Teddy now had that look.
“Oh, god,” Jessica said, falling to her knees next to his bed and grasping his limp hand.
He did not respond, nor did she expect him to. She knew that this time, he would not be roused by the sound of her voice, no matter how miraculous he had proclaimed it.
“What am I going to do?” She asked. “What will I do, Teddy? My goodness, I don’t even know your proper name. Nor do you know mine, I suppose. Yet I feel I have known you for years. I feel you’re a part of me. It isn’t fair, Teddy. But none of this is, is it? This whole bloody war. The things we’ve all seen—the things you must have seen and done. I can’t even begin to imagine, although I’ve seen the damage.
“I am falling in love With you, Teddy. You must know that. You simply must. If you could hear me before, I pray to god you can hear me now and that you know. If you did not indeed know already. It simply isn’t fair if you go to your grave without that knowledge. Teddy, whoever you are—I love you.”
At first, she thought she had imagined it. She held herself as still as possible, and it happened again. His hand gave the faintest twitch, and then—
“Jessica,” he whispered. “My Jessica. My guardian angel.”
“Oh, Teddy.”
“Edward,” he breathed out. “If you must know. It’s Edward.’
“Edward,” Jessica repeated. “I dare not ask how much you heard just now.”
“All of it, I believe,” he replied. He turned his head ever so slightly to look her in the eyes. “I do love you, too, you know. I hung on just for you. Just to be able to see your face before I left.”
“Don’t say that,” she whispered.
“But it’s true,” Edward replied. “I had to know you. I had to see you. When you were gone and I was all alone… I knew I must be near the end. With certainty, I knew it. I am sorry, to put such a burden on you. I cannot explain what you meant to me. What you did for me. But it has been a joy to talk with you these last few days and weeks. I hope—I hope it’s enough for you to carry with you.”
“It will be,” Jessica replied. “It must be. I will treasure these memories forever, Edward.”
“And where I am, I shall think of you always,” Edward replied.
Jessica knew it was bold, but she also knew the time to care about that was over. She leaned in and pressed her lips to his. She had only kissed a boy once before, on a dare from Avery. It had been nothing like this. Edward pressed his hand to her cheek and returned the kiss with what she was sure was all the force he could muster.
She had only just found the strength to pull away when a flurry of motion caught her eye. A nurse rushed into the room, sweeping her away from him. The nurse assured her that it was for the best, that he needed rest now and must not be bothered, but Jessica could not shake the feeling that she would never have another chance to see him.