When the family returned from the shooting party at Longford Castle, life seemed to quickly fall back into its normal, boring routine. For Zac, that meant he was largely left to his own devices, since the family hardly knew what to do with him under normal circumstances. Now that Taylor and Natalie had made their big announcement, however, Zac was even less the focus of the family’s attention. Everything was centered on preparing for the upcoming wedding, which no one had thought to expect so soon.
It was almost enough to make them all forget about the ongoing mystery surrounding Isaac and whether or not he truly would return to the fold soon. Almost.
Zac knew he was still far from the perfect son, but he also wasn’t the problem child anymore, either. Somehow, with just one short telegram, Isaac had managed to steal that role from him, and he was surprised to find that he didn’t mind the theft at all. He could breathe for once. He had thought that he didn’t care what others thought of him, but now he realized he was truly free of that worry.
It left room in his mind for other thoughts, but at that particular point in time, his only other thoughts were of one Lady Kathryn Tucker, the woman who may or may not still be betrothed to his wayward eldest brother. Of course, Zac realized, the only doubt lie in her heart. Both of their families, Zac was sure, still intended for the wedding to take place as planned, possibly shoehorned into Taylor and Natalie’s, just to up the spectacle. But Zac knew that was not what Kate desired. He wasn’t hopeful or cocky enough to believe that he was what she desired either, but he found himself fervently hoping that he was.
My God, Zac thought to himself, what have I become?
No other girl had interested and vexed him so much. The more he thought about it, though, the more he realized that Kate had had this hold on him for all of their lives. He had thought he hated her; now he realized he was only angry that he could not have her, nor did she seem to want him to. She was the one and only woman it seemed he could not conquer, and now he felt both closer to and further from victory than ever before.
He should have despised the feeling, but Zac found that somehow it only increased his longing for her.
Without even realizing what he had done, he had filled a page in his sketchbook with endless iterations of her face. The likeness in some was better than in others, but all were still close enough that anyone who saw the page would know exactly what was on Zac’s mind. He wanted to crumple the page up and toss it out, but he didn’t dare. It was Kathryn, after all.
He closed his notebook in frustration, and even allowed himself to let out a groan. No one was around to hear it in the corner of their property he’d chosen to work in that day, anyway. It was a nice spot, overlooking the woods. At any other time, it would have provided endless inspiration, but on that occasion, it seemed Zac could only draw the one thing.
With some effort, he pulled himself to his feet and gathered up the tools of his trade, as it were. It took longer than he would have liked; Zac knew if he were anyone but the son of an earl, he would have been invalided out of the army. No one quite dared to tell him he was no longer fit for service, even though he could have told them that himself with ease. He stood for a moment to catch his breath, and briefly considered stopping by the stables to hitch a ride to his next destination. He thought better of it, though; while everyone could see his handicap, it somehow seemed to draw less attention to it if he continued stubbornly on as though it didn’t exist, no matter how much pain it would leave him in later.
His mind made up, Zac began to walk in the direction of Taylor’s office. Carrying his sketchbook and pencils didn’t make the trek any easier, but the more he walked, the more stubborn he felt. In any case, his mind was too occupied to dwell on the throbbing in his leg.
Zac wasn’t sure why he thought talking to his brother would help with his current predicament, nor was he sure he wanted to talk about it at all. Yet when he neared the office and saw Taylor sitting in his usual spot outside with his luncheon, he felt instantly relieved. The two of them had not been all that close when they were younger, and Zac found himself unable to understand Taylor’s preferences, but there seemed to be a certain understanding since Zac had returned to the family and learned of Isaac’s absence. He wished he’d been there all along; he couldn’t even begin to imagine what Taylor had gone through with both of his brothers gone.
“What brings you here?” Taylor asked as Zac took a spot on the bench next to him.
“Hunger,” Zac replied, snatching a bit of sandwich from Taylor’s hand.
“I’m sure you can find better than this back at the big house,” Taylor remarked. “Jessica dropped this off. I think one of the nuns made it.”
“A young nun or an old nun?” Zac asked.
Taylor raised an eyebrow.
Zac shook his head. “Nevermind.”
“You do know that nuns are strictly off limits? Even for you. That’s rather how the whole nun thing works, from what I gather.”
“Yes, I seem to recall someone suggesting sending you off to a monastery as well,” Zac replied, then immediately regretted it. He was going to get anywhere if all he did was lob insults at Taylor for something he was slowly accepting that his brother could not help or change.
To his surprise, Taylor replied, ‘I’m sure they’ve considered the same for you, though not for quite the same reason.”
Zac opened his mouth to speak, then thought better of it. He had wanted to tell Taylor all about his hallway indiscretion and the way Lady Kathryn had perversely watched it, but he knew he wouldn’t reveal either of those things. It wouldn’t be fair to Kathryn or Leona, but particularly to Kathryn. Nor would it be right to confess that he was falling in love with his brother’s betrothed. On that count, though, he supposed there was another topic loaming over their heads.
“Have you begun to prepare for your wedding, then?” Zac asked. “I know it’s still a ways off.”
“It is,” Taylor agreed, “but not so far that I’ll have time to convince myself not to do it. Oh, that sounds terrible. Of course I’m going to marry Natalie; there’s no other woman who would have me and we both know it.”
Zac raised an eyebrow. “I would think the issue is that there is no other woman you would have.”
“That as well,” Taylor replied. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, mussing it even further than it had already been. “You know of course that they’ll start in on you soon enough. Once Isaac and I are both married off, it will be your turn.”
“I suppose it will,” Zac said, hating that he couldn’t keep his voice from going wistful as he said it.
“Does that mean you have a lady in mind, and has she been properly warned?”
“Yes and yes,” Zac replied honestly.
To stop himself from saying anything else, Zac shoved the rest of Taylor’s sandwich in his mouth. It gave him a few moments of quiet, at least, but he knew Taylor would resume his line of questioning soon enough.
“I envy you, you know,” Taylor said softly.
Zac raised an eyebrow.
“I never truly understood the pressure—being the heir. What it really meant. Although, I suppose, it was much easier for Isaac than it ever would have been for me. To know that what I want is so completely incompatible with what I must do. Well–I’ve said enough. Only that while I don’t wish this feeling on anyone, I do wish I could be as carefree with my emotions as you are.”
Zac couldn’t stop himself from snorting. “I won’t trouble you with my concerns, but suffice it to say, you shouldn’t be so quick to envy.”
“You mean to say it’s actually difficult to care so little what the world thinks of you?”
“Harder than you might think,” Zac agreed, though he knew Taylor was attempting a joke. It hardly seemed like a joke to him at all right then.
From their vantage point, the brothers could see for what seemed like miles, across rolling hills and pastures, nearly as far as the hospital where Jessica volunteered. In fact, if he squinted, Zac was quite sure that he saw her just then, wandering aimlessly up the path. She didn’t seem to be headed their way, however. He turned his head to Taylor, then shot a glance back at her figure, moving away from them.
Taylor nodded. “She’s taken to doing that over the past week. I’ve wanted to ask, but wasn’t sure how to approach it. I can only assume that working in the hospital has finally gotten to her. I can’t see how she does it.”
“We all do what we must,” Zac mumbled.
“Yes,” Taylor agreed. “I suppose we do. You would know better than I would, of course. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t speak of it.”
Zac held up a hand dismissively. “It’s all anyone wants to speak of these days. That is, those who didn’t see it firsthand.”
“Do you think you’ll ever want to talk about it?” Taylor asked softly.
Zac couldn’t stop the images from flashing through his mind. Flashes of light. The report of the cannons. Endless gunfire like a thunderstorm. The eerie silence afterward. The blood. And then, drowning out all of that, Lady Kathryn’s face around the door frame, staring at him as though she had never seen a man before. At least, no man like him.
“No,” Zac finally said, his voice coming out hoarse, as though he were back there on the battlefield, shouting out orders. “I don’t suppose I ever will. And yet it would still be easier to talk about than some things that have transpired since.”
Taylor raised an eyebrow at that, but did not speak. Zac was thankful for that.
He glanced out at the field again, and saw Jessica’s figure heading back toward the hospital. Perhaps it was nothing, then. Going for a leisurely stroll on her luncheon. Still, he felt that all of his siblings—the adult ones, at least—were each residing in their own personal hell, one which they could not even dream of sharing with the others. He imagined it would be easier if they could share but he knew that was a pipe dream. They must all find their own ways through it, somehow.
It had not been easy for Isaac to secure passage to America, although he supposed it helped that he was traveling away from the war, to the one part of the entire planet that seemed to be untouched by its savagery.
The entire journey took the better part of three weeks, and he knew he had been lucky that the weather had been on their side and there had not been any delays. He had taken a rather circuitous route to avoid active war zones, of which it seemed there were less and less by the day. Talk on the ship would have him believe the war was drawing to an end, but he had his doubts. Isaac wasn’t sure how the world could ever recover from something like this. Surely it would go on and on until there was nothing left. How could it simply end?
Isaac had no great mind for politics or military tactics, though, so he supposed his opinion on the matter was irreverent. He stayed mum whenever any of his companions on the journey brought up the topic, and eventually they began to leave him alone, sensing that he had nothing to contribute to any conversation.
There was still a fog in his mind that had not quite dissipated. He sense there was something more he should know, something he should remember, that he did not. But what it could have been, Isaac could not say at all.
After what seemed like an interminably long voyage, the ship finally made port in Savannah. Isaac had sent a cable to Tallahassee, and he hoped it had reached its intended recipient in time. If it had, he would see a familiar face on the shore, one he had thought of often during his time in India, where the heat was even more sweltering than it was in the southern United states.
Surely enough, it took him only moments after disembarking to spot her. Nicole Dufresne, American heiress of a sugarcane plantation fortune. She had been vacationing up north during Isaac’s last visit to the states and he had not been able to get his mind off her since. The trip had been intended to help a fellow earl’s son find a rich heiress to marry; it had achieved that goal, but with one heiress to spare, one whom Isaac found himself falling head over heels in love with.
“Nicole,” he breathed out, her name sounding like the most precious prayer upon his lips. He wanted to say more, but could see her mother standing close by. Isaac knew Americans might not adhere to all the rules of upper class British society, but he remembered well enough that her parents had been skeptical of the match. He hoped he could win them over this time.
“It is so good to see you again,” Isaac admitted, fighting the urge to reach out and press a hand to her rosy cheek.
“You as well,” she replied. “Father sent someone to collect your luggage. I hope the voyage was as pleasant as such a long trip by boat can be.”
“Knowing I would see you at the end of it made it all worth it,” he replied.
Nicole shot her mother a quick glance, and was rewarded with a small nod. She held out her arm to Isaac and he took the hint; he was pleased to see that her mother did not immediately fall in line behind them. He had to remind himself that even in the southern states, girls had more freedom than girls of his own class in England.
Which meant, he realized, she might even be free to accept his proposal before he’d had a chance to discuss it with her father. At least, he could discuss the topic and know that she was free to tell him how she really felt. It made his mind reel a bit to think about. What must it be like to make all of your own choices—at least, as many of them as could possibly be afforded to a woman. There were still, of course, limits. But to Isaac, right then, the possibilities seemed endless.
“I must admit,” Nicole said, once they had walked a few yards in silence, “I did not expect you to visit me before your own family. I am pleased, of course, that you did. But I am not so sure that they feel the same. What they must be feeling right now… after so long wondering if you even…”
She trailed off, and Isaac raised a hand to stop her from even attempting to say more. There was a certain catch in her voice that let him know she had worried just as much as his family must have. That she truly cared for him the way he did for her.
The freedom she enjoyed here… the freedom Isaac realized he could enjoy on these shores… it was all very tempting, but he knew he must do his duty. Although Nicole could not bring a title to their relationship, she could bring quite a hefty fortune, having only one sister and no rules preventing either of them from inheriting whatever their father deemed suitable. He must return to England, but he could not see himself returning without her, on either a romantic or a practical level.
“Nicole,” he said softly, stopping on the spot and taking her hand in his. “There is something I must ask you. It is fine if you cannot give an answer today, but please consider it. Please take what I say to heart, and do not worry about whatever obstacles we may face.”
Nicole eyed him curiously, but did not speak.
“I am afraid this must be a short visit to America. I came for one purpose, and one purpose only. To convince your father to give us his blessing. To bring you back to England—to be my bride.”
“Oh, Isaac,” Nicole said, her normally faint drawl becoming more distinct. Her brow furrowed. “You know, of course, I would love nothing more. But we’ve talked of this many times—don’t you remember? What must be done first, before I can even consider marrying you?”
Isaac stared at her in confusion. The fog in his mind seemed clearer for a moment, but it passed and he was left as confused as ever.
Nicole looked him straight in the eyes, her own imploring. “You must end your engagement to Kathryn. You had promised you would. Don’t you remember?”
Isaac could honestly say that he did not, but slowly, that fog in his mind began to lift.