On the Line
Taylor
Our dinner meeting with the band goes about as well as can be expected. Isaac and I both drink a little too much, and while that makes him more talkative and charming, it makes me quiet and awkward. Luckily, the band is young enough to have grown up listening to our music, so they’re just starstruck enough not to notice any strangeness in my interactions with them.
The hotel is within walking distance of the trendy restaurant Isaac chose, and I only stumble a few times as I try to get ahead of him. I know I can’t delay this conversation forever, but I’ll be damned if I’m not going to put it off as long as possible. How can Isaac expect me to talk about all of this? Yet I know he does, and I know that in many ways, he’s the most stubborn of the three of us. He’ll get what he wants.
He’s also the most impatient of the three of us. He catches up to me at the elevator and we ride to our floor in awkward, heavy silence. Finally, just outside the door to my room, he clears his throat.
“Tay,” he says. “I don’t know if I really want to know what I walked in on earlier, but I also don’t know if I can ignore it. I mean, god, I thought I was helping you two, putting you in each others’ path for the first time in three years, but I didn’t expect… that.”
“Well, I didn’t expect that either.”
Isaac gives me something of a glare. “Okay, don’t just throw my words back at me. Tell me what the hell is going on here.”
“Do you really want to know?” I asked, taking a step closer to him. “After what you saw, do you really want to know?”
“I have spent the last three years completely in the dark as to why my career, my whole life, was ripped away from me. And it’s clear to see the two of you suffered even more, but not once have either of you given me any explanation, any reason at all, why it all had to change. I think, after this long, I deserve some answers.”
“I can’t tell you what happened that night,” I say. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t. Suffice it to say, he had finally had enough of me treating him like shit. And sometimes, when you snap like that, there’s just no going back. Nothing can be like it was before. If he hadn’t been the one to leave, it probably would have been me.”
Ike nods, as though what I’ve said makes sense. “So you’re taking responsibility for it.”
“It’s about time for me to,” I reply. “What Zac did was… well, it was what it was. But the point is that it was the culmination of a lifetime of me taking him for granted and pushing him closer and closer to the edge. So yeah, it was my fault. I accept that. And I hope that both of you can someday forgive me for it.”
“I think I’ve got a lot less to forgive you for than he does,” Isaac says. “And if he can forgive you, then so can I. All I want, all I ever wanted, was for the three of us to be happy. If we could be happy together and be a band, great. If not, I would hope that we could at least be happy separately. But I know neither of you can tell me you’ve been happy since the breakup.”
“No,” I reply honestly, shaking my head. “I can’t. I really can’t. And I don’t know what the future holds, but… I’ve got hope now.”
Ike cracks a wide smile and claps me on the shoulder. “Good.That’s really good. So I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow morning to start tracking this album?”
“Yeah,” I reply, smiling back at him as I fish my key card out of my pocket. “And thanks. For forgiving me and for dragging me here. I mean it.”
Isaac just gives me a knowing smile. With a nod, he bids me goodnight and walks into his own hotel room, leaving me alone in the hallway.
I wonder if he really does know just how much he’s done for me with this trip, but as he pointed out, this was never just between me and Zac. In one night, we ended the band and fractured our entire family. While he may not know the details, of course Ike understands how important it is that Zac and I have finally taken the first steps toward mending our broken relationship.
Realizing that I look like a crazy person just standing in the hallway, I slide the key card into the door and walk into my hotel room. It barely even looks like a person has been occupying it at all, but that’s just how I’ve been for the last few years–barely existing. But no more. It’s time to start living again.
I flop down on the bed and pull my phone out of my pocket. I made sure to have Zac program in his new number before I left his apartment. Even though I had never tried to call his old number, I somehow knew he had changed it. The fact that he didn’t hesitate to give me his new one means more to me than I can possibly explain to him. Then again, maybe I can at least try to explain it.
With trembling fingers, I scroll through my contacts until I reach his name and hit call. I can actually feel my heart pounding as I listen to the dull ring. One ring… two rings… three rings…
“Hello?”
“Hey, umm… hey.” I clear my throat, hating myself for sounding so pathetic. I couldn’t even manage a normal phone greeting without falling apart. “It’s umm, it’s me. Taylor. Just got back from that dinner thing with Ike and the band, so I thought I would give you a call. Like I said.”
“Oh. Okay, yeah. Thanks.” He sounds happy to hear from me, and although I really had no reason to expect the opposite, I’m still relieved.
“You’re welcome.” I clear my throat again. “Umm, how was your evening? Probably not as awkward as mine.”
“Nah, just… I started a new painting. It’s not gonna be done for a while, I think, but I owe you one. I’m sorry for that, again,” he says, quietly.
“Hey, no,” I reply, as sternly as I can manage. “You don’t owe me anything and you don’t have anything left to be sorry for. I mean that. But if you want to paint me something else, I would love to have it. Can I… can I ask what it is, or do you know yet?”
“Would you believe me if I told you I don’t know yet?” He answers with a chuckle. “It’s probably not what you’re expecting. I don’t really do portraits, you know? I just kinda… throw my emotions at the canvas. Sometimes it’s not too pretty… but not always. I have a feeling this is gonna be one of the good ones.”
“I’m sure it will be,” I reply. “I can’t wait to see it. I mean, whenever you’re done. No rush, of course.”
“When can I–I mean, how long are you guys gonna be in town?”
“Two weeks, this time, then we’ll be back in Tulsa for a few. But Ike’s already talking about renting a little apartment when we come back to really dive into the recording. Probably two months, give or take?”
“Okay,” he says, and I hear him take a breath. “Do you want to do something before you leave? We could go to dinner or something. If you want.”
“Zac, I–yeah, of course. I mean, I’m not doing anything tomorrow.” What I don’t tell him is that I would gladly spend every night before I leave with him.
“Alright. Well, how about I pick you up around six? I know a pretty good restaurant I think you’ll like.”
“Sure,” I reply. “I trust your judgment. I don’t know if you’ve talked to Ike, but we’re staying at the Marriot. Right in your neighborhood, and I’m sure he planned it that way.”
“Probably,” he laughs. “Sounds good. Well, I’ll let you get some rest; I assume you still demand your ten hours of beauty sleep. Not that you ever really needed it…”
“You’re making me blush now,” I admit. With a chuckle I add, “But anyway, do you really think our dear brother is actually letting me sleep that long?”
“Speaking of Ike,” Zac pauses to clear his throat. “What’d he say after you left?”
“Well, he wanted answers. I can’t blame him for that, really. He put a few things together for himself considering what he saw, I’m sure, and we didn’t talk about that. But I told him the truth, that it was my fault. I pushed you too far. But that we’re, I hope, moving past it now.”
“We are. I don’t know what’s gonna happen when you go back to Tulsa, but I promise. I won’t disappear again.”
“Can I just stay here?” I ask, chuckling a little to hide the fact that I’m practically tearing up at the thought of leaving him.
“Tay… don’t get me wrong. I’m so happy to have you back in my life. And I don’t want it to seem like I don’t want you. Believe me, I do. But this is all happening really fast. I just think we should take things one step at a time, you know?”
I let out a shaky sigh. “Yeah. Okay, yeah. I know you’re right, I just… I’ve already lost so much time with you. And even before that, I wasted the time I did have. I guess I just want to make up for all of that. But I understand if… if we can’t just flip a switch and change everything.”
“I think things had to happen, though. We couldn’t have gone on like that; one of us was bound to break. It’s okay. Anyway… let’s not worry about the past, okay?”
“I’m really trying not to,” I reply, then take a deep breath. “So, okay. Dinner tomorrow, and then… we’ll see. And I’ll try not to have another panic attack in public.”
“That’s probably a good idea. Goodnight, Tay. I love you.”
“Goodnight, Zac,” I reply, a few tears breaking free and flowing down my cheeks. “I love you, too.”
Even after I hear the soft click signifying that Zac has hung up, I can’t quite bring myself to lower the phone from my ear. It’s a connection to him, and I don’t want to sever it. Still, I understand his need to move slowly, even if I don’t seem capable of doing the same. I’ve suffered too long without him, and I’m ready to spend the rest of my life making everything up to him.