As I Breathe You In
Taylor
I’ve never been more thankful for my little brother’s pot habit than I am right now. Without the small hit I’d taken of what was some surprisingly potent weed, I really don’t think I could handle this. But after everything that has happened today, all the emotions I’ve gone through in a span of just a few hours, I don’t have any left to spare for Isaac right now.
I’m done falling apart. I’m just done.
I don’t even bother moving from Zac’s lap, because Isaac has obviously seen enough already to draw the obvious conclusion. I just stare at him. Ike stares back at me. Our staring contest goes on just long enough to get awkward before Ike finally shakes his head.
“Alright, whatever,” he says. “Don’t think we’re not talking about this later, though. At least you, shockingly, haven’t killed each other. Now that I’ve confirmed that–Tay, did you forget we have a dinner meeting with the band tonight?”
I stare blankly at him before finally, reluctantly, peeling myself away from Zac and sitting up. Running a hand through my hair, I reply, “I guess I did, sorry. Umm, if you wanna go on, I’ll catch a cab and meet you there in a few?”
“Ike, I–we–” Zac stammers, hastily stubbing the joint out in the ashtray.
I put my hand on Zac’s knee in what I hope is a reassuring gesture and shoot Ike a pointed look. “Like I said, I’ll meet you there as soon as I can.”
Isaac’s face goes completely blank, but after a moment, he nods. “Yeah, yeah okay. I’ll uh, I’ll see you there.”
With that, he’s out the door, which apparently hadn’t been entirely shut when he arrived. I let out a sigh of relief, then glance at Zac, who still looks like he’s seen a ghost. I know dealing with Ike and somehow explaining all of this to him won’t be easy, but I hope it hasn’t undone all of the progress we’ve made.
“Hey,” I say, giving his knee a gentle squeeze.
“Hey,” he sighs, running a hand through his hair and closing his eyes. “So… that just happened.”
“It definitely did,” I reply, letting out a nervous laugh in spite of myself. “Don’t worry about him, though. I’ll… I’ll deal with him. Somehow.”
Zac eyed me, tilting his head, than gave an uneasy smile. My hand was still on his knee; he covered it with his own, his thumb brushing back and forth over mine.
“We’ll deal with him… with it. Together.”
“I think that’s a great idea, if you’re sure you’re up for it.” I give him a quick peck on the cheek, narrowly resisting the urge to take the kiss further. If I do, I know I’ll never leave. “But right now, unfortunately, I have to go do my job or whatever.”
Zac nods, pouting a bit. He glances at the ruined shreds of the painting he destroyed.
“I’m sorry about… that,” he says, gesturing to the pile of wood and canvas. “I can try to paint something else for you. If you want me to, that is.”
“You don’t have to do that,” I reply. “I mean, not that I wouldn’t love to have one of your paintings. And having one you painted just for me… I’d really like that.”
Zac smiles, and nodded. “It’s okay. I think… I think it’d be good.” He takes a breath, looking down. “Painting… well, it helped me deal with a lot of stuff. Everything that happened, ya know? So… maybe it’ll help now, too.”
“Maybe I should take up painting again, then,” I reply, half joking. Zac was always the better artist by far of the two of us, and I’m sure he knows it. “Maybe if I hadn’t given up music, I would have had that as an outlet for all of… well, everything. And god knows if I’m ready to get back into it now, but I let Ike drag me here, so I guess I don’t have a choice.”
Zac chuckles, shaking his head.
“He knew what he was doing, didn’t he,” he says, smirking. “I’m glad he brought you here, though,” he says, looking up at me. “I… We… needed this.”
“I’m not sure if he planned… this.” I motioned between the two of us. “And I had no idea what would happen at all. But god, did I need this. I need you.”
Zac smiles, and touches my cheek. “I need you, too,” he says, and sounds almost sad.
“Hey,” I reply, putting my hand over his. “You’ve got me now. Except, you know, I do need to leave. But maybe… maybe I could give you a call and we could hang out or something?”
“Yeah,” Zac says, nodding. “I’d like that.” He stares at me for a moment, then leans forward and plants a gentle kiss on my lips.
“I’d like that, too,” I reply softly, kissing him back.
We share several more kisses while I gather my phone, wallet and now dry clothing. I know we’re both delaying, but I really do have to leave. It isn’t goodbye forever, though. It’s really just the beginning.
Zac
After Tay leaves, I stay on the couch for a while, just trying to process everything. It’s amazing how your whole life can change in a single day; I learned that lesson years ago, when everything fell apart. But here I am, another day, and just like that everything’s changed again. Taylor is back in my life, and even more surprising, I’m actually happy about it. It feels like such a relief to let go of everything, all the pain and anger and bitterness I’ve carried for so long. Loving him is so much easier than hating him.
But what does this mean for us? For me? I’ve got a good thing going here, and I’m not sure I want to let it go. Is he going to ask me to come back to Tulsa? To start playing music again? I don’t know if I’m ready for that or if I ever will be. I’ve put that part of my life behind me. Hell, I can’t even remember the last time I picked up a pair of drumsticks. No, I’m not just going to drop everything for him. I love him, and I’m glad to have him back, but I’ve got to think of myself, too.
Relax, I tell myself. He hasn’t said anything about Tulsa, or music, or anything. And if he does… we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
I look down at my shaking hands and take a deep breath. One thing at a time. I look at the broken remnants of the painting I destroyed and sigh. I’ve always had a bad temper, with at least one case of it turning violent. I’ve tried hard to control it over the years and found that meditation was the most effective thing. I’m not really spiritual, but I’ve been taking yoga classes for a couple years now, and they really helped me deal with everything.
I take another breath, deep and slow. I just need to find my center. I close my eyes and try to focus, but I can’t seem to clear my head. Frustrated, I stop fighting and let my mind’s eye find what it needs. Surprising to no one, the image that finally materializes is my brother’s smiling face. But what is surprising is the peace that I feel. As much as I hate to admit it–and I’ll never admit it to him–it seems Tay is my center now. Of course he is, the smug bastard, I think with a laugh.
Now that I feel grounded again, I busy myself cleaning up the apartment. I throw away the broken pile of wood and canvas, empty the ashtray, vacuum the carpet. Mundane tasks to keep my mind off the long list of unanswered questions in my mind. There’ll be plenty of time for that later. I make myself some tea and head into my studio. I’ve got a new painting in mind, and I can’t wait to get started.