When I Look Into Your Eyes
My reputation’s never been worse, so
You must like me for me
Yeah, I want you
We can’t make
Any promises now, can we, babe?
But you can make me a drink
Is it cool that I said all that?
Is it chill that you’re in my head?
‘Cause I know that it’s delicate (delicate)
Is it cool that I said all that
Is it too soon to do this yet?
‘Cause I know that it’s delicate
The club they had chosen for the after party was teeming with people. Carolina hated it as soon as she walked in the door. She couldn’t wait to go back to her hotel, and yet she knew she couldn’t. She had to stay. She had to play the game. The next day, she would be on the road back to Felton, and this was her last chance for something resembling some alone time with Taylor—as alone as they could get in a packed out club.
Not seeing any better options, Carolina headed straight for the bar.
Before she could get her order out, a familiar soft voice said, “Put whatever she’s having on my tab.”
“Rum and coke,” Carolina said when the bartender gave her a look. She turned to Taylor and said, “Thanks.”
“Do you always order that?” He asked, leaning closer to her to be heard over the horde of people around them.
“Almost. It’s hard to mess up, impossible for the bartender to mishear and the easiest thing to order when you’re already shitfaced.”
Taylor looked amused, like he wanted to say something else, but just nodded. “So, you’re coming back next month? Some writing thing?”
“It’s a convention. I’m not totally sure why our publisher thought our books would fit in, but I guess nerds and geeks are pretty into the smutty stuff.”
“So you admit it’s smut,” Taylor remarked, smirking.
Carolina shrugged. “I never said it wasn’t.”
Taylor just chuckled and said, “I’m gonna mingle a bit. I’ll catch you later.”
As he walked away, Carolina found herself feeling inordinately upset and jealous. He should stay and talk to her, she thought. Of course he had to spread himself thin and make as many fans happy as possible, but she didn’t have to like it. She downed her drink quickly, then ordered another, making sure to pay for that one herself. She was jealous, but not completely unreasonable.
“Hey!” A voice called out as Carolina wove her way through the crowd. She belatedly recognized the girl as the one named Jesse who she had met earlier that day.
Carolina glanced up and down her, trying to gauge how drunk she was. She didn’t seem very. Carolina forced a smile and replied, “Hey, what’s up?”
“Just glad to see you here! Wasn’t the concert good?”
“Yeah, it was,” Carolina replied, then continued on her way.
She had to have been drunk, Carolina decided. Nothing else could have accounted for her change in attitude—except, perhaps, whatever happened when she’d had lunch with Taylor. That seemed ridiculous, yet not any more impossible than anything else that had happened that week. The layers and layers seemed never ending.
By the time she had made her way through the club, sipping her drink and pausing to talk to far too many people, Taylor had found himself a secluded corner with a few fans she didn’t recognize. With two drinks to bolster her confidence, Carolina walked right up and plopped down on the arm of his chair.
“Finished it already?” Taylor asked, with a nod toward her glass.
“Two,” Carolina replied, giggling. “I mean—this is my second one.”
Taylor gave her a wide eyed, impressed look. “So you’re having a good time?”
Carolina shrugged and waved her empty glass around. “You could say that.”
“No, I mean—this whole week. You’ve had a good time, coming to LA?”
“I have,” she replied, honestly. In spite of the drama and the few times she’d wished to be anywhere else, she really wouldn’t have gone back and done anything differently. “What about you?”
“It’s been good. It’s been tough. It’s a lot of pressure.”
Carolina had a feeling he didn’t just mean the concerts and the album release. She didn’t know what to say to that, and so she fell silent. Two girls, who she recognized as friends Jesse’s were dancing on their chairs, and Carolina was reasonably certain she was at least more sober than them. It wasn’t saying much.
“Come on, dance with us!” The skinnier of the two said.
Carolina shook her head. “I don’t really dance.”
“Everybody dances!” The girl said, hopping down off her chair and dancing on Carolina’s leg.
Carolina gave Taylor a look, but he wasn’t even paying attention at all. A girl to his left had started talking to him and so he was completely oblivious to her situation.
“You gotta loosen up a little if you wanna impress him,” the girl said softly, as though she were imparting some serious wisdom. “Dance with me. He’ll like that.”
Carolina shook her head. “I don’t think so.”
The girl slid down onto Taylor’s lap, and that finally drew his attention. He glanced between the two of them, and Carolina just shrugged.
“We should make out,” the girl said.
“Yeah, let’s not,” Carolina replied.
“Wouldn’t you think that was hot, Taylor? You want us to kiss?”
Taylor laughed softly and gave Carolina a look.
“What?” Carolina said.
“Well, I know it’s not that you don’t kiss girls,” Taylor shot back.
“I kissed Delanie,” Carolina said, then immediately wished she could take it back. There was still a sober voice somewhere in the back of her mind, but the alcohol was delaying its ability to control her actions.
“Oh really?” Taylor asked.
Carolina giggled. “You were right there. You didn’t notice?”
The other girl said something, and Taylor was once again distracted. Skinny blonde saw her opportunity and moved to Carolina’s side, away from Taylor. “You gotta flirt a little more. You can’t be shy. It’s clear you want him, but you’re being way too shy about it. Just flirt. Play with his hair or something. He likes that.”
Carolina just stared, narrowly resisting the urge to ask how this girl knew what he liked. Without thinking about it, she found she had let herself slide into his lap, and her hand was, in fact, already in his hair. She gave it a slight tug, right at the base of his neck, to get his attention. He gave her a smile that nearly made her fall to the floor.
That much action on Carolina’s part seemed to satisfy the girl, and she scurried away, going back to dancing with her other friend. Carolina and Taylor just shared another look. How was it possible that no one else in the room noticed what was happening between them, Carolina wondered. How could they not see it? It seemed so obvious. If this random girl could see how badly Carolina wanted Taylor, then it must have been obvious to everyone in the room—including Taylor himself.
He was still staring at her, laughing softly. Of course, all he could see was how ridiculous it was for someone to be giving her advice on how to seduce him… when she already had. At least the other girl hadn’t been able to tell that, Carolina thought.
“Sorry,” she said softly. “That was… awkward.”
“It’s okay,” Taylor replied dismissively.
Carolina wondered how many stranger things he had to deal with constantly, that this was nothing to him. She had always been impressed with the grace he had shown in awkward situations; she could only hope to have a tenth of his ability to shake things off. Deep down, she knew she didn’t. She took everything to heart.
There was a part of Carolina that knew that meant she wasn’t cut out for this. She knew that knowledge wasn’t going to stop her, though.
Not knowing what else to say or do, she slid further into his lap and continued playing with his hair. She didn’t think he would stop her… probably. If he did, she would stop. Until then, she enjoyed just being there, even if it might be drawing more attention than she truly wanted.
She didn’t know how much time had passed when Taylor finally suggested that they make their way outside so he could have a cigarette. She stood beside him as he said goodbye to everyone around, then walked behind him as he wound his way through the crowd with ease. Behind him, she felt invisible.
The sidewalk was teeming with people, too, but at least Carolina knew a few of those. Once again, there were girls vying for Taylor’s attention, and Carolina let herself fade into the background. She couldn’t and wouldn’t compete. She had gotten more from him than she probably deserved that night. She wouldn’t make a fool of herself to get more of it.
“Are you ready to head back to the hotel?” Laura asked, leaning against the wall next to Carolina.
Carolina shrugged. “Doesn’t look like Emilia is.”
Emilia was, in fact, one of the girls vying for Taylor’s attention. But the genuine smile on her face was something Carolina couldn’t be mad about. After the last night Emilia had had, Carolina figured she deserved a little something from Taylor.
Truthfully, all Carolina wanted was to go back to the hotel and sleep. The spell was broken. She knew she had gotten as much from Taylor during this trip as possible. In the morning, she would go back home, back to her normal life, and that would be it.
If it was over, she didn’t want to linger. She was ready to leave.
It seemed, of course, that she was the only person who felt that way. The other girls lingered and lingered on. Carolina just stayed against the wall, wishing she could telepathically convince everyone to leave. It didn’t seem to be working.
When Zac, Mia and her roommates made their way outside, Carolina hoped that was a sign that everyone was finally ready to leave. Luck seemed to be on her side then, as Laura and Emilia approached her, both yawning.
Then again, she would give everything for just another moment with Taylor…
“We’re going to walk down the block and see if we can find a cab,” Emilia said.
“I’ll be right there,” Carolina replied, watching as Zac, Mia and her roommates walked out of the club.
“Okay, just don’t stay too long—we might not be able to get the cab to wait for you,” Laura replied.
Carolina nodded and made a vague sound of agreement and understanding. She was too busy watching Taylor make his way toward them.
“You guys leaving?” He asked, holding out an arm to offer Laura a half-hearted hug.
“Yeah,” she said. “It’s been so, so much fun to spend the week here with you. Seriously.’
Taylor moved on to hug Emilia, but glanced over her shoulder at Laura and Carolina. “It’s been great to see you guys, too.”
“And we’ll see you again in a few weeks,” Laura added.
The two of them walked away, leaving Carolina alone with him. She stared up at him, not knowing what to say. When they were alone, she couldn’t shut up. In public, however, it was all too much. Anything she could say seemed like it would ruin her. It was better not to speak at all.
“You ready to head out, too?” He asked, and for a brief moment, Carolina thought he was inviting her back to his place. She knew better, though.
She nodded, and the two began walking down the street. They were close, closer than friends, but not as close as lovers. Her hand hung limply at her side and she wished it were possible to reach for his. She knew it wasn’t. They had walked several yards before she heard and felt the rest of his entourage—brother, future-sister-in-law and all—joining them. Carolina wondered what they must have looked like to all of them. She decided she was better off not knowing.
They reached the corner, and Carolina saw Emilia and Laura leaning out the open door of their cab.
“This is my stop,” Carolina said.
Taylor paused, and the two just stared at each other. The rest of the group walked on without them. Taylor leaned down and wrapped Carolina up in his arms. He wore the same leather jacket he’d worn the first time, and she wanted to stay there forever, again, her face buried in his warm chest.
Finally, she let go. “Goodnight, Tay.”
“Goodnight,” he said softly. “I’ll see you soon.”
“Goodnight!” Mia said, suddenly appearing and wrapping Carolina up into a warm, soft hug of her own. “It’s been so nice to meet you.”
“Yeah, you too,” Carolina mumbled.
She waited a moment longer, but none of the rest of them approached her. That was fine by her; a hug from Mia was more acknowledgement that she had imagined or hoped for. With one last awkward smile and shrug of her shoulders, she turned her back on Taylor and climbed into the cab. She immediately turned her head away from the window, not willing to watch his figure disappear down the street.