Just One Breath Is A Million Sighs
And I waited for you
Just a picture and a feeling and your face
How could I forget your touch your warm embrace?
And the shoes you wore were long black satin lace
As you walked into my mind
As you walked into this old forgotten hall
Just one look and I began to fall
I wish I could frame you and this feeling on the wall
To stare at ’til there is no time
“I don’t know how else to explain what I mean,” Carolina said. She felt like she had been going around the same circles with Laura for years. “I can’t say anything. I can’t talk to him about it. Whatever happens, it’s in Taylor’s hands.”
“But if he’s the same way—and it seems like he is—then nothing is going to happen.”
“Then nothing happens.”
“You don’t want that, though!” Laura practically shrieked. “You want to be with him. So why won’t you do what you need to?”
“Because I would rather never know and never have anything happen than have him turn me down. I can’t go through that.”
“Is that really the end of the world? Surely you’ve been turned down before.”
“Of course I have. More often than not.” Carolina sighed. “That’s not the point. This is just a thing I cannot and will never be able to do. I am not the one who confesses their feelings. Even if he is the one with all the power in the situation, it’s going to have to be him.”
“What power? What does that even mean?” Laura asked.
“I mean, the whole musician and fan thing. That’s a power imbalance. He’s up there on his pedestal and I’m down here pining. He’s guided the way this has gone so far, and I don’t see that changing, not the least of which because I absolutely, cannot, will not, under no circumstances, confess how I feel.”
Laura gave a frustrated laugh. “Whatever. You’re hopeless. Both of you.”
Before Carolina could respond to that, she heard her laptop ping, alerting her to a new message on Skype. In the background of the phone call, she could hear the same sound.
“Did you get that alert too?”
“Yeah,” Carolina replied, rushing up the stairs from the kitchen to her office alcove. “I did.”
The message was from Emilia, and in all caps.
Not knowing what else to do in the face of a message like that, Carolina navigated to his MySpace. Sure enough, there was a new song at the top of the media player. She and Laura counted down and hit play at the same time.
With every second, every word, Carolina felt hotter and hotter, that distinct feeling of embarrassment, like those dreams where you find yourself naked on stage, flooding her body. The words didn’t wholly fit, but there were enough familiar images—the shoes, the black lace–within the song to ignite a strange feeling of anger within her. What right did he have to write something that obviously about her, and yet that far from the reality of their situation?
Of course, she knew that was the sort of musician he was. And it wasn’t as though she hadn’t written stories that shared aspects with her real life. It was simply what creative people did. Knowing that still didn’t make her feel any better.
When the song ended, she had completely forgotten that she was still on the phone with Laura. She just sat, silently, staring at the screen.
“That was… wow,” Laura said.
“Why would he write something like that about me?” Carolina asked softly.
“It’s not—I mean, that’s not what’s happening at all. It’s not about you.”
“Okay, but…” Carolina replied, wanting to ask if she remembered his comment about the shoes. She bit her tongue instead. “Whatever. We better join the call or Emilia will just bug us more about it, though.”
They both did so, and saw that it was only Mia and Emilia, who appeared to already be in an intense conversation.
“Hey,” Laura said. “Is everything okay? I mean, I know the song is emotional, but…”
Mia shook her head. “I’m just feeling sorry for myself lately, that’s all.”
“I know planning a wedding must be stressful,” Laura added.
“It’s not that,” Mia said. “Sorry, I really shouldn’t say anything, because it’s probably all just in my head anyway. I just feel like Taylor has been distant lately and I don’t understand why. I don’t think I’ve done anything, and Zac says I haven’t, but I just don’t understand. He’s just not answering texts or if he does, he’s very… it just feels like his heart isn’t in it or something.”
“Well, his heart is definitely in something,” Emilia replied. “I mean, that song. We know he’s been going through something but like… wow. Can you imagine being the girl that inspired any of these songs?”
“No,” Carolina choked out. “I can’t imagine.”
And truthfully, she couldn’t. The largest part of her still didn’t believe, in spite of the timing, that those songs truly said anything about her at all. She wasn’t that sort of person. Maybe once upon a time she had been, for one guy, who had written reams of poetry about her. But it had been years since she had been the sort of girl who inspired guys like that. And no matter what Laura said, she would never be in Taylor’s league.
“But we do know that he’s going through something,” Laura pointed out, “so I think it’s pretty clear that that’s what has him acting strangely. It’s definitely not anything you’ve done.”
“I guess maybe I’ve just been wrong about how close we are, you know? I thought if he was going through something, he would talk to me about it. But it’s like I can’t even get him to talk about anything at all, meaningful or not.”
“Sometimes we push people away when we’re going through things,” Laura replied. “it’s unfair, but we do it. He’ll realize how wrong it is eventually. He’ll see that he needs his friends.”
Mia rubbed her eyes. “I hope so. Sorry, I’m just being overly emotional right now when it’s probably nothing. We’ve just been so close for so long, even before Zac and I started dating, and it’s just—it’s tough when something changes or goes through a weird patch. We’ve never really had anything like this happen before.”
“Well,” Laura said, clapping her hands together. “Why don’t we change the subject? How is the wedding planning going?”
Somewhat in spite of herself, Carolina found it easy to tune back into the conversation then and not in a false way. Her deep dark secret was that she loved weddings. There was a time, when acceptances to grad school seemed unlikely to come, that she considered abandoning her degree altogether and pursuing a career as a wedding planner. Of course, it didn’t take her long to realize that no one would hire a twenty-two year old single dork to plan their wedding.
“Okay, well,” Mia said, her tone improving even if her usual serene smile hadn’t returned. “So, I mean, it’s still like six months away. I only just picked out my dress like last week, and it’s all vintage lace. The venue is amazing—you just have to see it. It’s this old warehouse but they’ve totally remodeled it. Amazing. It won’t be, like, casual, but we’re not… we’re not traditional people either, you know? So I don’t care about color schemes or themes or whatever. It’ll just be whatever feels like us.”
“That’s so beautiful,” Emilia replied. “That’s the kind of relationship I want. That kind of love where you’re just so in sync with each other. You two are perfect, I swear.”
Mia chuckled softly. “We’re really not perfect. But we’ve been together for years. We’ve had time to learn each other, to fight, to grow, and if we can get through everything the world has thrown at us—then yeah, we’re going to be stronger for it.”
“It’s like how people start to look like their pets over time,” Carolina said, smirking a little. “I mean, like you said, you’ve been together forever. Eventually you just do become more alike, whether you’re trying or you realize it or not.”
“That’s a weird way of putting it, but yeah,” Mia replied, laughing again. “We’re basically already that old married couple who have been together for a hundred years.”
“And that’s what makes you adorable,” Laura added.
“Anyway, I don’t know when, but I’ve given Yulia all of your information, so at some point she will be in touch about the shower and the bachelorette party and everything. So I guess maybe there will be some traditional elements.”
“Only the ones that give us an excuse to drink,” Emilia remarked.
“Exactly,” Mia added. “But you know I have to have you girls there. You’ve all been so supportive and such a big part of my life, and Taylor’s—and I know Zac keeps to himself a little bit more, but he can see how happy it makes me to be a part of a family like this.”
“A dysfunctional family, you mean?” Laura asked.
“A family of nothing but red-headed stepchildren?” Carolina offered.
Mia laughed. “Okay, okay. But you know what I mean. Found family is such a strong, important thing to have in your life. And sure, we’ve had a few rotten apples, but that’s bound to happen. But the relationships we’ve formed are so important and so real.”
“Aww, you’re going to make me cry,” Laura said. “You know I never really got involved in Taylor’s fandom before this. I didn’t really know who was out there and what they were like, but I’ve been so happy to get to know you guys.”
Carolina murmured something that she hoped sound like agreement, but the truth was, she still didn’t feel at home. She wasn’t like so many of these girls. Maybe it would be difficult for an outsider to see the difference, given what she had done, but she felt it. She had no desire to be part of some dysfunctional family, or some strange, uninhibited harem. She liked classic rock, but she wasn’t into the groupie aspect of it.
Still, she had brought this on herself, and now it seemed she was stuck with these girls. It wasn’t as though she disliked them, though. At least, not all of them.
“Ooh!” Emilia squealed, her eyes roaming around the screen. “Taylor just posted on LiveJournal again. He’s going to do another Skype thing next weekend. I hope he plays all these new songs, especially this new one. Runaway?”
“Runaway Run is what he’s calling it, I think,” Mia replied. “You know, it’s not too long until one year of his new fan club. We should do something special for the anniversary. As if I need something else to try to plan.”
“We should send him a gift or something. Things that remind us of him, things that he’ll like,” Laura suggested.
“But let’s not let Delanie help organize it this time, like the birthday present,” Emilia added.
Laura nodded. “How about we get together before his Skype hang and discuss some ideas for what we could include, and who we want to bring into the loop on it? It should definitely stay a secret.”
“That sounds like a good plan,” Carolina agreed. “Secret is good.”
The girls continued to discuss various present ideas for Taylor, but Carolina’s heart wasn’t in it. It wasn’t that she wasn’t happy that Taylor was experiencing success—she knew he was gaining lots of fans lately—or that she didn’t think he deserved something to show their appreciation of him. She just wasn’t so sure that she should be a part of it.
She could already feel that things were changing, though she couldn’t say why or how. A distance had opened up between her and the girls she wanted to call her friends, and she knew it was of her own making, but she couldn’t bridge it.