Am I Something I Sold You?
When I howl up to your moon you pick the poison from a heavy spoon
And then it’s gone
You held me once. You held me one too many times baby
You’ve worn this out. Why, why, why?
Looking in on your little world I marvel at your wicked ways and words
You get me high to keep me low
You carve my name into the headstone, the headstone
“Have you gotten your anniversary gift for Taylor yet?” Mia asked.
Carolina had the video turned off and was only listening to the other girls. It was cheaper and easier than trying to three-way call them, and she knew if they could see her, her face would betray her real emotions. She was sorting through her mail as they talked, and sure enough, that day’s mail contained two packages she had been waiting for.
“Yeah,” she replied. “It just came in the mail, actually.”
“Ooh, yay! What did you get him?”
“Umm, it’s this scarf I thought he would like,” she said, opening the package and carefully pulling out the plastic-wrapped inner package. “It’s got, like, a zodiac sign sort of design on it? I know he’s not really superstitious or anything but there are some things like that he believes in.”
What she didn’t add was that it reminded her of a tapestry that hung in his living room. It had still been there after Zac began moving out; she was certain it was Taylor’s. She was also certain that he would understand the reference and the meaning behind the gift—a reminder of their nights spent together every time he wore it.
“Oh, he’s going to love that,” Laura replied.
“I also got a new shirt… my first Taylor shirt since the old Hanson shirt I wore that first day in Los Angeles. It’s that new design he did, with the kind of 80s look? The tank top. And I don’t… I don’t think it’s going to fit. Yikes.”
Carolina eyed the shirt she had just pulled out of the package, knowing there was no way it was going to work. She had dropped a few pounds lately, but not that many.
“I’m sure it will look hot.” Mia said.
“I really don’t think so,” Carolina replied. “But I can at least take a picture for the collage thing. I won’t be wearing it in public.”
“Who cares? Let it hang out; you’ve got it.”
“Yeah, I don’t really do that,” Carolina said.
“You’re in California! If you’re not half naked, you look like a tourist.”
“Then I guess that’s what I will always be,” Carolina replied, hoping her words sounded final enough. She would never be comfortable dressing the way Mia did; it wouldn’t matter how much weight she lost. Going around in short skirts, bra showing… none of that would ever be her.
“Well, at least model it for us,” Emilia said.
Carolina rolled her eyes, even though the other girls couldn’t see it. She yanked the blouse she’d worn to work over her head, then said, “Okay, hold on. Let me get it on, then I’ll turn on my camera. Brace yourselves; it’s not going to be pretty.”
Once she had pulled the tank over her head, it took some adjusting to not feel like she was suffocating. It was definitely a size too small, but any larger would show more than just her bra straps—her whole chest would be on full display. She tugged the tank up as much as possible so at least the lace at the top of her bra wasn’t peeking out.
“Okay,” she said, pressing the button to turn her camera back on. “Here it is.”
“That’s super cute! What’s the problem?” Mia exclaimed.
Carolina looked down at herself, then back up at the screen, as though it should have been obvious. “I think it’s pretty obvious. There are two of them. Big ones.”
Mia rolled her eyes. “You need to learn to flaunt it. It’s just bra straps and a little cleavage. Big deal.”
“I’m sure my patrons will think big deal if they see me wearing this,” Carolina replied.
Mia shrugged, but there wasn’t much she could say to argue against that. Even if she was in California now, Carolina wasn’t living the same sort of life as Mia. Rural Santa Cruz county was a far cry from the city of angels. She would never fit in Mia’s world and it was time for both of them to accept that fact—Carolina couldn’t see how it wasn’t completely obvious already.
“Anyway, I just got home from work and I need to shower to find some food, but I’ll talk to you girls later. I need to email the pic for the collage to you, right, Emilia?”
“Yeah, you’ve got my email,” Emilia replied.
“I do. Talk to you later.”
“Later!”
Instead of doing any of the things she said she needed to do once the call had ended, Carolina found herself standing in front of the mirror in her bedroom. She had gotten back into the gym lately, in addition to watching what she ate, and it really was starting to make a difference. Although there was no way she could wear that tank in public, it did look better than she gave herself credit for.
On a freak whim, she grabbed her phone from its charger and began snapping photos. Maybe she could get something to add to the collage. Or maybe… something to send to Taylor sooner, just for him. With that thought in mind, she tugged the shirt back down, letting just the trim at the top of her bra show.
She snapped a couple dozen photos, trying various angles in front of the mirror and on her bed. Finally, she landed on one that she liked—laying down, her cleavage especially noticeable, and a vaguely devious look on her face.
Perfect, she thought to herself
Carolina opened a text to Taylor, attached the photo and typed in Look what just came in the mail today… She slammed her phone down face first on her bed and let out a weak sigh. Had she really just done that? She was inching toward dangerous territory, more than she ever had, and she knew it—yet she didn’t know what it would take to make her stop. There had to be a line somewhere, some sort of breaking point. A prt of her almost wanted to find it, just to know.
She didn’t know how much time had passed when her phone finally buzzed. The sound of it made her jump, even though she knew that in reality it was barely audible at all.
Carolina giggled. She liked being able to surprise him; she knew that Taylor knew her well enough now to know that she wasn’t as innocent as she seemed, and yet he still somehow seemed surprised when she did something like this. Keeping him on his toes like that was good, she reasoned.
She laid in bed for several minutes, awaiting his reply to that. When it hadn’t come in ten, then twenty… she gave up. She carried her phone with her to the kitchen and began cleaning. She bagged up her trash, emptied the dishwasher—anything to occupy her mind until finally, finally her phone buzzed again.
Carolina rolled her eyes at that. She knew exactly what he was implying by that, and she knew what he expected in response. It was amazing how easy it was to set him up—or was he setting her up? Maybe they were just playing off each other perfectly. Whatever it was, it was as exhilarating as it was predictable.
She took her time doing her laundry for work before she finally responded.
She didn’t expect a speedy reply to that. Each message had a longer and longer gap in between it. It seemed to be a part of the game they were playing, and it annoyed her as much as it made her tingle.
Not knowing what else to do, she typed a text to Laura.
Carolina knew what Taylor expected of her next. She headed back to her bedroom and began the photoshoot all over again, trying various angles to better show both the words on the shirt and her chest. It wasn’t easy. On a crazy whim, she took off her pants; she knew she wouldn’t look like the cute advertisements Mia had done for him, but she could try. Finally, she got just the right shot, her black lacy panties barely visible, just enough to hint at what they were.
As soon as she asked, she regretted it. She could already feel herself chickening out. She wasn’t meant to be this sort of person. She liked surprising him, but she also needed him to want her for her, and who she was… was no longer the self-destructive, reckless, self-proclaimed slut she had been in college. None of this was really her anymore.
Even as she typed it, she knew that she had already made up her mind.
From the bathroom, she could hear her dryer beep that it was finished. She had already forgotten that she was doing laundry at all. At least that was a good distraction again. If Taylor texted her again that night, he would get another picture. If not, she would remain silent as well.
He didn’t know it, but she was putting the ball in his court.
Maybe that wasn’t fair, but this was, after all, how a conversation worked. She had sent the last text—it was Taylor’s turn now. If he didn’t respond, he would get no response from her until she had an entirely new topic she felt like texting him about. And if he did respond but didn’t continue to escalate the tension, raise the stakes… well, Carolina wasn’t sure what she would do then.
That was part of the fun, she supposed. The danger of it all. Although some elements of their flirtations were predictable, following old and safe patterns, it was impossible for her to even predict what she would do next.
She had forgotten what it was like, putting your emotions in someone else’s hands. It had been so long, and even then, everything had been routine in a weird way. Getting to know someone new, figuring out how to navigate around them and the way they made you feel… it was like a foreign country to her, it had been so long. She was pleasantly surprised at how easily she navigated it all, while inside it was slowly eating away at her. As long as she could continue to act, she was fine.
And for right then, she was fine.