The Beauty of a Secret
If we fucked on the bathroom sink
How your hands felt in my hair
If we were high on amphetamines
And everybody wants to hear
How we chainsmoked until three
And how you laughed when you said my name
And how you gripped my hips so mean
Carolina woke in the morning feeling like she had slept for only minutes. At some point, Taylor had pulled one of his numerous pillows over his head. Carolina stretched to reach for her phone, and felt him jostle awake at her movement.
“I should probably get going,” she said. “Do you mind if I take a shower first? I smell like weed and sweat and…”
“S’fine,” Taylor said, a sleepy smile on his face that melted Carolina’s heart. “You can use my towel.”
He waved a lazy hand toward a beach towel sized thing hanging on a hook by his closet. Carolina pulled herself from the bed and grabbed the towel, then made her way to the bathroom. It was the sort of old fashioned bathroom with mint green tile that she wished she’d been able to find in a house, and it was exactly as clean as she expected in a house full of bachelors.
The shower was hot, but somehow it didn’t make her feel much cleaner. She felt certain everyone she saw that day would be able to tell what she had done. There was a part of her that wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but she knew she couldn’t. It had to be a secret. It would have never happened if she hadn’t, somehow, gained Taylor’s trust. To break that trust now would assure that it was a one-time thing.
As she rinsed the shampoo and conditioner from her hair, Carolina replayed the previous night’s events in her head. It was still unbelievable. Maybe it wasn’t quite the best she’d ever had, but that was a longer list than she was proud of. It didn’t matter; it was still Taylor Hanson and she still wanted more of him. She didn’t know what she had done to deserve him, but she was glad she had. She had thought that perhaps she would have been able to resist him, but that was stupid. Of course she couldn’t. She only hoped he understood how big of a deal this was to her—both because it was him and because it had been so long since she had been able to trust anyone that much.
Trust was a two-way street, she realized, and it was something of a miracle that they both found it in each other, a miracle that two broken, fucked up people like them could see through everything and share something that intimate.
Carolina climbed out of the shower and wrapped the towel around herself twice. She fumbled around in her bag until she located panties, bra, jeans and a-shirt. As she pulled the shirt on, she realized the shirt was the new one she’d purchased from Taylor’s online store, thinking it would be cute to wear to the house show.
That was awkward and less than ideal, but she didn’t relish walking out to her car to find something else. She eyed herself in the mirror, and was pleased to see that the outfit did at least look cute and fit her well enough.
Also less than ideal was the placement of the room’s only outlet—less than a foot from the floor, almost in a corner. Carolina took a deep breath and sat down, holding that breath in when she realized how close she was to the toilet. Realizing she didn’t have any other options, she plopped down and plugged her hair dryer in. She reminded herself that she had been in college for years, long enough to endure worse and more disgusting in many a dorm and off campus apartment. There was something oddly familiar and relieving about being that person again, instead of the proper adult she had become since graduating with her Masters. Gross, but familiar.
Once she was reasonably presentable, her hair combed straight and her usual face full of heavy yet subtle makeup on, Carolina shoved everything back into her bag and walked back to Taylor’s room with it and the towel in tow. He was awake, staring at the doorway.
“Hey,” she said, hanging up the towel. Taylor glanced at her and chuckled. Carolina tugged at the hem of the shirt. “Yeah, I didn’t really plan that. I better get going, though.”
“Okay,” Taylor replied. “I’m gonna get some more sleep.”
“You enjoy that. I’ll see you later tonight, I guess.”
“Yeah. See you later.”
Carolina wanted to say something else. She stood over his bed, contemplating leaning down and giving him a quick kiss. Then she thought better of it. She settled for a smile, then grabbed her cell phone and charger, turning on her heel and walking out of the room before she could do or say something dumb.
From his driveway, she sent Laura a text to let her know she was on her way. The drive back to the hotel, where she was thankfully able to check in, was shorter than she remembered. Maybe it was because all the stress of the day before was removed, a massive weight of anxiety gone from her shoulders.
After dropping her bags off in the room, she headed back down to the lobby, where Laura was just returning from Starbucks with two large cups and a bag full of muffins and bagels.
“I figure you worked up an appetite last night,” Laura said with a smirk.
“What makes you think that?” Carolina asked, doing her best to sound innocent. It didn’t work at all. “Okay, I totally did.”
Laura pulled her down onto a couch and handed her a cup. “One sip. Then spill. I need all the details.”
“Wouldn’t it be cool if he brought Princess with him? I mean, not necessarily tonight, but he’s got to know that we all want to meet her,” Emilia said, as they walked down the sidewalk toward the Hotel Café.
“She’s such a sweet dog,” Carolina replied, realizing her mistake so quickly that she nearly drew blood digging her teeth into her bottom lip to shut herself up. When Emilia just gave her a blank stare, Carolina said, “Okay, so, when I got stranded yesterday, but then I said I met up with a friend? I didn’t want to tell everyone, but I managed to get in touch with Taylor and we hung out for a while until the hotel would let me check in.”
It was still partially a lie, but that was okay, Carolina reasoned. Emilia had made it very clear that she was interested in Taylor, and Carolina didn’t think she would take it very well if she knew what had really happened.
“Oh, okay,” Emilia replied, the words drawn out a bit as though she didn’t quite believe that was all there was to the story. “For a second there, I thought there was something more going on between you two. Like, I don’t know, you’re secretly sleeping with him or something.”
Carolina stopped in her tracks and laughed out loud, hoping the sound was believable and didn’t betray how nervous and exposed she felt. “Umm. Wow. Well, I’m really flattered that you would think that, but no. Definitely not.”
It was a good thing she didn’t believe in hell, Carolina thought, because the lies were flowing so easily from her lips that she would have certainly earned herself a first class ticket there if it were a real place. Then again, it wasn’t complete a lie, either–sleeping together implied that it had happened on more than one occasion.
“It just seems like you two are really close,” Emilia replied with a dismissive shrug.
“We’re really not,” Carolina said, lowering her voice as they walked through the doors of the café. “It’s just that we’ve met in person, unlike a lot of his fans. But I live like six hours away; it would be pretty difficult for anything to be happening between us, even if I am closer to him—geographically—than a lot of other fans.”
Emilia just gave her a look and shrugged, and Carolina suspected she didn’t totally buy that explanation. It didn’t help that Laura was just staring at her, as if in disbelief at the entire conversation. Carolina could relate.
The conversation ended as they walked inside. The venue was already crawling with various other fans who had been informed of the secret show. Most of them congregated around the small merch booth that Zac and Mia were in the process of setting up. While Emilia and Laura wandered off to greet someone Carolina didn’t know, she shuffled awkwardly toward the merch booth, looking for someone, anyone, she did knew.
“Hey!” A voice called out, and it took her only a moment to recognize Delanie, who constantly posted pictures herself. She was short, even moreso than Carolina, and there was just a bit of desperation about her tight dress and fluttering false lashes.
“Hey,” Carolina replied, steeling herself as Delanie pulled her into a hug, then drug her over to a somewhat secluded corner near the merch booth. “Okay, you have to tell me—did you make out with him?”
Carolina laughed and shook her head. “No, no, no. We just had a few drinks and dinner. That was all. We just hung out.”
“Oh, come on,” Delanie said, leaning heavily enough against Carolina for the smell of alcohol to make her eyes water. That somewhat explained her bluntness, Carolina reasoned. “You totally made out with him.”
“I really, really didn’t.” Once again, Carolina was surprised at the ease with which she lied.
It helped, she supposed, that she was deeply regretting having told Delanie as little as she had. As Delanie spotted someone else she knew and wandered off to accost them, Carolina decided her assessment had been correct—she was a fan to watch out for and keep at arm’s length.
Once Delanie was gone, Mia turned her attention to Carolina. It was easier to greet her with a hug, although it surprised Carolina that Mia seemed so happy to meet her. They hadn’t chatted that much, because Carolina hadn’t known how to approach someone who was so close to Taylor.
“Hey,” Mia said. “I’m so glad you made it. You had a rough time yesterday, huh?”
“Yeah,” Carolina replied. Deciding it was okay to be a little more truthful with Mia, she added, “I actually ended up meeting up with Taylor for a little while. So it all worked out fine.”
Mia nodded and smiled, and Carolina couldn’t help thinking there was something strangely knowing in her expression. Perhaps she was just being paranoid, considering that she had already been accosted twice by surprisingly accurate accusations.
She wondered if it would ever get easier or if the accusations would only grow.
Before she or Mia could say anything else, Laura and Emilia came rushing back up, their hands loaded down with shots. Delanie was trailing behind them, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they weren’t paying any attention to her. Carolina gladly accepted two of the shots and threw them back with ease. They’d had a few wine coolers back at the hotel while they got dressed and did their makeup, but she was going to need more liquid courage to get through this night.
Emilia’s cheeks were nearly as rosy as her hair, suggesting that she’d downed a few more shots between the bar and merch table. Laura was smiling wider, too, and Carolina couldn’t say for sure if that was because of the alcohol or the fact that the concert was about to start.
None of them seemed quite as far gone as Delanie, who somehow seemed to have grown twice as drunk in the few minutes since Carolina had last seen her. She clutched Carolina by the arm, awkwardly pulling her forward. “Come on, we’ve got to find a good spot in front of the stage! You and that cleavage need to be front row.”
Carolina laughed, her head spinning just a bit already, as Delanie emphasized her point by jiggling Carolina’s boobs. Her dress wasn’t especially revealing, she hadn’t thought, but her figure had a way of popping out of even the most conservative outfits. She could only hope that she didn’t seem too desperate, but with so many other tipsy fans around, Carolina didn’t think there was much risk of that.
In any case, she wasn’t desperate anymore. She had gotten the prize that all these other girls were vying for. Her head spun as she let herself be drug through the crowd of them to the stage, not sure that she was ready to see Taylor again when her mind was still full of images of the way he had looked on top of her.