Had a Taste; I’m Already Wasted
I guess you know you’ll never find it if you want it
And you’ve been standing right in front all along
Yeah, you’ve been standing right in front of me all along
And if I need you, would you carry me home?
You know I don’t really care where we go
And in the morning under sheets and shadows
I think I love you
Carolina stayed quiet once they were back in the hotel room. She changed into her pajamas and began getting ready for bed, but couldn’t focus on any of the conversation Laura tried to make. She hated herself for it, but she was still so focused on everything that had happened that night and how it all had gone so wrong.
Then again… had it?
Taylor hadn’t, as far as she could tell, left the club with anyone else. It was best, she decided, that she hadn’t been able to flirt with him any more than that. She didn’t think she had successfully shown her feelings to him, but that was perhaps better than being seen as a groupie.
Still, she felt like she was back where she started. Just another fan he was vaguely acquainted with.
She climbed into bed and plugged her phone into its charger at the outlet by the bed. As she did so, she saw a new notification. Taylor. She opened the message.
sacred fool: so awkward question but… would laura be willing to sell us a jay?
“Umm,” Carolina said, clearing her throat. Laura walked out of the bathroom, a makeup wipe in hand. “Would you be willing to sell Taylor a joint?”
Laura shrugged. “Tell him five bucks.”
Carolina obediently typed her reply.
xcityofnightx: she says it’ll be $5
sacred fool: you’re staying at the hotel just around the corner, right? i don’t really know where we are so gimme like 30
xcityofnightx: okay, we’ll meet you downstairs
“He says they’ll be here in thirty minutes,” Carolina said, looking at the clock and groaning. It was already one in the morning. She was getting old, Carolina realized. She was old, boring and pathetic. Why would she ever think Taylor would want anything to do with someone like her?
At least she had weed, if only by proxy. If it weren’t for that, he probably wouldn’t bother with her. That wasn’t much consolation, but it was good enough for her, she decided.
“Are you putting your clothes on again?” Laura asked.
Carolina groaned again and ran a hand across her face. “I really, really don’t feel like it. But I should probably get all this grimy makeup off my face.”
Laura tossed her the packet of makeup wipes, and Carolina scurried into the bathroom with them. Her pajamas weren’t the sexiest, with Batgirl on the shorts, but at least the t-shirt she wore with them was low cut. With that much cleavage showing, maybe Taylor wouldn’t notice her superhero shorts and makeup-less face.
She realized, as she scrubbed at her mascara, that she didn’t actually care if Taylor saw her with no makeup on. If she hadn’t impressed him yet, in her tank top and tight jeans, it wouldn’t matter how he saw her now. In any case, her acne had finally realized she was an adult, and she really didn’t need all the makeup she slathered on as a force of habit. She truly didn’t look bad at all, she decided. Maybe she was too hard on herself.
She ran her fingers through her hair and decided that was as good as any of it was going to get. Taylor might as well see her for who she really was. If he wasn’t interested, it wouldn’t matter. If he was, it was at least truth in advertising; he would know what he was getting himself into—nothing more and nothing less.
Carolina and Laura sat around the room for a few minutes, making small talk about the concert before Carolina’s phone buzzed again.
sacred fool: on our way
They made their way downstairs, through the expansive lobby of the hotel. They walked out the front doors, and Carolina realized the fatal flaw in their plan. Valet parking. A large, menacing figure in a hotel uniform hovered by the door. Carolina began to say something to Laura, and then she saw it.
A non-descript white van pulled into the cul de sac and came to a gradual stop. The driver’s side window was down, and Taylor’s arm rested casually on the window frame. The surreality of it all struck Carolina again. She walked up to the window and rocked back and forth on her heels, hoping someone else would speak first—and that it wouldn’t be the valet.
“Hop in,” Taylor said with a casual nod.
Carolina looked at Laura, then shrugged slightly. The two of them padded around to the other side of their van, their flip flops seeming to echo as loudly as firecrackers on the cobblestones. Laura climbed into the van first, and Carolina followed behind her. The other Taylor sat in the passenger seat, and he offered the two girls a big smile. Carolina barely managed to return it, her fingernails digging into the seat as they pulled out of the cul de sac and into the street. She glanced out the window while Laura and Taylor Locke exchanged the joint and a five dollar bill.
As they circled the block and Laura made small talk with the Taylors, Carolina began to wonder if there was truly something malfunctional about her. They weren’t flirting, they weren’t talking about anything deep… yet she fell completely silent, unable to participate at all. No wonder Taylor seemed oblivious to her interest, if she couldn’t say a word to him.
All too soon, they pulled in front of the hotel again. Carolina obediently filed out of the van and walked around to stand in front of the driver’s side window. She smiled up at Taylor, still unsure what to say. He smiled back.
“Sorry we couldn’t make the hotel show thing work,” he said.
Carolina wanted to say he was welcome to come up to their room right then, but she didn’t. There was a public parking garage he could have used, but she knew he hadn’t brought his guitar or anything. Not to mention—it would have been only the four of them. She wouldn’t have even been able to pretend that it was really a hotel show she was looking for, and it would have put Laura and Locke into a really awkward position.
No, there was simply no good way to make it happen. She wasn’t going to get Taylor alone, no matter what she did or said.
“It’s okay,” she replied. “Maybe next time.”
“Next time,” Taylor repeated, as though the words held more meaning and promise than they really did. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight,” Carolina replied, the word coming out as little more than a whisper.
She felt pathetic and useless as she watched the van drive away. Had any of that really happened? Had it meant anything at all? It was difficult to say.
The next morning, Carolina and Laura took their time showering and packing. They knew they were on a deadline to check out of the hotel room, but neither of them was in a hurry to let their mini-vacation end. It had all seemed so unreal and had gone by so quickly that Carolina wanted to cling to every little bit of it that was left.
After checking out, because they couldn’t delay that all day, they moved their cars to the public garage nearby and walked a couple blocks to a coffee shop Carolina had heard was supposed to be good. She hadn’t been to San Francisco before, and she did wish for more time to explore the city itself more, but that wasn’t the only reason she didn’t want to leave town.
The other reason presented itself as soon as they walked into the busy coffee shop. Standing by the counter was the unmistakable figure of Taylor Hanson himself… and right next to him was Holland, the rest of her friends hovering nearby.
“What are the fucking chances,” Carolina mumbled.
“Go say something,” Laura hissed. “Don’t let that slut win.”
“You know I can’t,” Carolina replied. She ducked her head and joined the line to order. Maybe if she didn’t look his way again, Taylor wouldn’t see her either. Maybe she could just disappear completely and not have to put herself in the middle of such an awkward situation.
The line moved slowly, and Carolina wished the floor would just open up and swallow her whole as she waited for the barista to call her number.
“Hey, Carolina!”
No such luck.
“Oh, hey,” she replied, glancing up and pasting on what she hoped was an appropriately blank and surprised look as Laura conveniently vanished. “I didn’t even see you there.”
“Yeah, we’re just grabbing a little something for the road. I thought we were sticking around today, but the guys decided against it. Wish we could have stayed; I really wanted a chance to play a couple songs for you.”
“There will be other chances,” Carolina replied, shrugging as dismissively as she could manage, even though the truth was that the disappointment ran all the way down to her bones. “It’s not like we live that far apart. I mean, okay, we kinda do. But we’re in the same state. Surely we’ll cross paths again.”
“For sure,” Taylor said. Carolina tried not to stare at Holland, who was inching closer and closer, seemingly undeterred by the fact that Taylor had chosen to ignore her. Carolina wasn’t sure it was a victory or if she was just a handy distraction for him. A part of her wasn’t sure it mattered which one was true. Taylor leaned in a little closer and she decided it was definitely a victory that she remained upright. “So hey, I did wanna say thanks for all your help last night.”
Carolina just shrugged and smiled. She could feel her face burning and was sure her cheeks were bright red. She wondered if Taylor heard the potential double meaning in what he had said. Maybe he did. Maybe he had done it on purpose. She had no intention of asking.
“You’re welcome,” she said, choosing to also leave out the fact that it was really Laura who had been so helpful.
“Are you girls hanging around for a while?” Taylor asked.
“Oh no, we just walked over here for breakfast before we leave. Laura has a bit of a drive.”
“Well, at least you didn’t have far to walk from your hotel,” he replied.
He had to be doing it on purpose, and judging by the look on Holland’s face, she heard it, too. Carolina had been helpful last night and Taylor knew where her hotel was. The implication was clear, and Holland didn’t need to know that it wasn’t at all what it seemed.
“That’s true, I guess,” Carolina managed to squeak out. “Just wish we could have done the hotel show.”
“Next time,” Taylor replied, and the sincerity in his voice made Carolina forget that it was probably an empty promise.
One of Holland’s other friends, Justice, suddenly piped up. “Oh, are you in the band?”
“Did you guys miss the opening act last night?” Laura said, appearing with her arms loaded own with food. Carolina lightened her load by one latte. “He was right there, center stage.”
“I’m going to have to look your music up on Myspace,” Holland said, the words dripping with far more syrup that seemed necessary. “And we have got to take another selfie before you leave.”
“Why don’t we all take one?” Taylor replied, his hand brushing Carolina’s shoulder as he motioned for her to move in. “Come on, everybody get in the pic.”
Holland wiggled her way into a spot right next to Taylor, and Carolina found herself incapable of moving in as close as she would have liked. It all seemed so pointless. She wasn’t going to compete. If he hadn’t already seen through Holland, realized how much of a shallow groupie she was, nothing Carolina could do would change it.
He snapped a few pics and promised to post them on Myspace later. Carolina found herself inching away, mumbling something about how her bagel was going to get cold.
Taylor put his hand on her arm and said, “Keep in touch, though. We’ll make something happen.”
“Okay,” she managed to squeak out.
“It was great to meet you,” Taylor said, sweeping her up in a hug that made her nearly spill her latte all over him. “See you later.”
“Great—great to meet you, too,” she mumbled into the shoulder of his leather jacket. It was soft and warm and surprisingly soft considering he was all long limbs and hard angles.
Taylor offered Laura a hug too, and Carolina couldn’t help noticing that he didn’t do the same for Holland and her friends. It didn’t matter that, as she walked away, Holland was still there, blathering on in his general direction. Carolina was fairly certain that, all things considered, it had at least been a draw. She hadn’t won, not in the way she had thought she wanted, but neither had Holland.