The Truth In Me
In your crowded room
They’ve got no idea
About me and you
There is an indentation
In the shape of you
Made your mark on me
A golden tattoo
All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation
My hands are shaking from holding back from you
All of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting
My hands are shaking from all this
Even though it had been less than a year since the first time Carolina had seen Taylor in concert, it seemed like it was all brand new. The audience was small, and nearly everyone crowded around the front of the stage was there only for Taylor. Carolina recognized almost every face, and knew she was Myspace or LiveJournal friends with several of them. Being here with them all, everyone she had chatted with and gotten to know for months, only added to the experience.
She danced and sang along with Laura and Emilia, the latter of whom loomed behind her, even taller than Carolina expected before meeting her. Delanie hovered near, too, becoming increasingly touchy-feely with the other girls as the show went on. The alcohol had kicked in so that her inhibitions about making a fool of herself were far lower than usual; in any case, she wasn’t sure there was anything else she could do at this point to embarrass herself in front of Taylor. He had literally seen all of her—there was nothing left to hide from him.
Carolina wanted this feeling, this concert, to never end. She had never considered herself to be that much of a live music person; being surrounded by so many people, shoved into someone else’s personal space, was one of the worst feelings she could imagine. In that moment, though, she couldn’t imagine anything better. Taylor only glanced her way once or twice, but it didn’t matter. It wasn’t even about all of that anymore. It was about the music and the pure high that came from hearing a song you loved. As she danced around the front row with Laura, Carolina wondered what a sad life it must be to not feel music all the way down to your bones, to not ever have a song crawl under your skin and become a part of you, something you could almost see and taste.
In just a few short songs, the show was over, the spell was broken, and another band took the stage. Taylor vanished off stage and Carolina went to the bar for another drink; dancing had worn off the first few and she knew she would need more courage if she were to approach him amid the rush of fans that had already headed to the merch booth.
She sipped her drink slowly and watched from a distance as he chatted with fans she didn’t know well, but vaguely recognized. By the time she had finished her drink, he had managed to free himself from the crowd and taken a seat at a dark booth. Laura nudged Carolina toward him, and it only took a little encouragement for her to approach him.
“Hey,” Carolina said, awkwardly sliding into the booth next to him. Laura slid in beside her. “Really good set.”
“Yeah?” Taylor replied, looking her up and down. “It was just a warm up for the big show.”
“Well, it was a good one,” Carolina replied blandly, wondering where her ability to talk to him had gone.
“Hey, let’s take a pic,” Laura said, pulling out her phone and shoving it into their faces before either could object. Carolina put a hand on Taylor’s arm and leaned her head against his shoulder. She could only imagine how they must look, but the part of her brain that truly cared had been dulled by the alcohol.
After snapping the photo, Laura asked Taylor about one of the songs he had played. While the two chatted, Carolina fell silent. Even a liberal amount of alcohol couldn’t change the person she truly was, and that was a socially awkward creature who had no clue how to talk to anyone, especially someone she was interested in. She shouldn’t have approached him at all, she decided. She wouldn’t have if it hadn’t been for Laura’s insistence—then again, without Laura, she might have been brave enough to flirt. As it was, she really wasn’t sure who the third wheel was.
“Hey, I’m gonna go grab something to eat before they close the kitchen,” Taylor said, the words directed more toward Carolina than toward Laura—or perhaps she imagined that. She couldn’t be sure.
“Okay. I’ll be here.”
Carolina watched Taylor walk away, melting into the crowd at the bar. Moments after that, Laura gave her a nudge. “I’m gonna go say hi to Olivia. I’ll be back.”
“Okay,” Carolina mumbled.
She remained in the booth on her own, letting the second band’s music wash over here. They played power pop, with suggestive lyrics that, under the circumstances, made her blush. She was glad the room was dark and no one would be able to notice.
As she remained there, on her own, she felt stupider and stupider. Taylor had ditched her, it was clear. She should have known that he would. Maybe if she had approached him on her own… but no, it wouldn’t have mattered. If he wanted to be around her, he would be. Of course, deep down, she knew it wasn’t that simple. The bar was teaming with his fans, all vying for his attention, and she couldn’t expect to get more of it than any of the others, no matter what they had done the night before.
The crowd cleared for a moment, and she could see that Taylor had taken a new seat across the room, and was, indeed eating. At least he hadn’t lied to her about that. What really made Carolina’s heart sink was to see Delanie standing next to him, practically leaning on his chair.
“Come on,” Laura said, having reappeared suddenly with Emilia in tow. “We’re going to say goodbye to Taylor and get back to the hotel.”
“Okay,” Carolina replied, unsure whether she wanted to approach him or not while Delanie was so clearly trying to make her move.
Still, she let herself be swept along by the current. As they approached, Delanie spun around and put her arms out. They landed on Carolina’s shoulders, and despite the fact that Delanie was an inch or two shorter than her, she struggled to stay upright.
“Carolina! Are you guys leaving?” She slurred, obviously having had a few more drinks at some point. Carolina wondered where a person even smaller than her could find to store that much alcohol without ending up in the hospital.
“Yeah, we were just gonna say goodnight to Taylor and head back to our hotel.”
She leaned in closer to Carolina, practically standing on her tip toes. “You gotta give me a kiss before you go!”
Carolina laughed and leaned back away from her, not knowing what to say. Had she told Delanie about her vague, uncertain sexuality? She couldn’t remember. Obviously, she must have.
“Aww, come on,” Delanie whined. “Just one little kiss?”
Her friends were talking to Taylor and none of them were looking her way. She supposed it wouldn’t hurt, and in any case, she was just drunk enough herself to blame it on the alcohol. It seemed the only way to get Delanie to un-leech herself, and so Carolina leaned down and placed a very quick, closed-mouthed peck on her lips.
That did the trick. Delanie let go and stumbled off toward the bar again. Carolina took two long steps toward Taylor and he finally turned her away, a smile on his face.
“You guys heading out?” He asked, reaching out one arm in something of a half-hug.
“Yeah,” Carolina said, leaning in and wrapping her arms around him. She pressed her face against the side of his, and the move felt especially intimidate when she remembered where she had felt his stubble less than twenty-four hours before. “Goodnight, Taylor.”
“See you tomorrow,” he replied, lingering on the hug for just long enough to make Carolina not feel like an idiot for getting so close to him.
Reluctantly, she let go of him and located Laura and Emilia. The three of them walked back to their hotel together, Laura and Emilia chatting about the concert while Carolina stayed silent. The last twenty-four hours of her life had seemed to be a week long and it was finally all catching up with her. She wanted to sleep for at least a full day, and perhaps when she awoke, her life would make sense again.
The walk back to the hotel seemed to take forever, and it took even longer for the three of them to drunkenly change into their pajamas and settle down. Carolina was the first to make it to bed, but even as she pulled the covers up, her phone buzzed, alerting her to a new text.
It was from Taylor.
Hey, was thinking about going to the beach tomorrow, if you’re down
Just name the time and place 😊
The next day, it rained. And rained. And then rained some more.
Carolina wasn’t surprised when the entire day went by without another text from Taylor. By the time the girls had gotten dressed up for the house show—and the vague plan of going clubbing afterwards—the rain had finally let up, but it didn’t lessen Carolina’s disappointment at not getting to spend the day with him.
On the other hand, she’d had all day to think about how she might explain her need to get away to Emilia and hadn’t come up with anything feasible. In the end, she supposed things had worked out how they needed to, even if it meant less time with Taylor.
The directions Mia had given them were easy enough to follow, and soon they found themselves in front of a Spanish style house that looked like a flea market had exploded all over it. It could have belonged to no one but Zac’s hippie fiancée, Carolina thought. It was funny how some people became their houses, or their houses became them. Taylor’s was still, mostly, a blank slate. She wondered what that said about him, but came to no conclusions.
In the kitchen, a variety of drinks were spread out on the countertops for everyone to help themselves to. Laura poured shots of tequila for herself and for Carolina, and Carolina forced hers down, even though it was her least favorite type of liquor.
“Is Taylor here yet?” Emilia asked the small group of girls standing around the kitchen.
“No,” Delanie replied. “He’s not. He should be here any minute now.”
“I hope we have a little time to hang out,” Emilia said.
Laura and Carolina shared a look, then Laura shook her head. Carolina wasn’t being discrete enough, she knew. Maybe she should come clean with Emilia, if with no one else. If the truth ever came out, it would only hurt her more after all the lies. Carolina could only hope she would understand that they were well-intentioned lies, meant to spare her feelings. She suspected that wouldn’t soften the blow very much.
“Can I talk to you for a second?” Delanie asked, drawing Carolina out of her thoughts. She gave a pointed, but polite and smiling, stare to the other girls, then took Carolina by the arm. “Alone, I mean.”