Ruined My Life By Not Being Mine
There’s nothing I hate more than what I can’t have
You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad
You’re gorgeous
You make me so happy it turns back to sad
There’s nothing I hate more than what I can’t have
You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad
You’re gorgeous
It was all too easy for Carolina to return to her normal life after the brief San Francisco vacation. She hated how easy it was, in fact. It was like nothing had ever happened. She had never met Taylor. He had not looked at her from the stage. They hadn’t stared at each other with that strange, comfortably uncomfortable silence covering them. She had not accepted a joint from his calloused hand and tried not to meet his glance as she took a long hit. She hadn’t fallen in love.
She could repeat those things over and over again, but even as the memories faded and became part of the whole tapestry of strange memories in her life, the feelings remained.
Carolina returned to work and settled back into her regular schedule, because she didn’t know what else to do. While that mini-vacation might have suggested otherwise, she was not an interesting person. She was, in fact, a profoundly boring person. She spent her days at work and her evenings with her cats and novels. That was it. That was her life, and she wasn’t sure if she liked it that way but she was content.
Just a few days after returning to her regular life, she found herself back at the Felton branch. It was just a few minutes from her house, but it was also the smallest of the libraries in the county. That meant less traffic, but fewer ways to avoid interacting with them.
It was entirely possible, Carolina considered, that she had picked the wrong profession given that she was not at all a people person.
The small size of that branch also increased the likelihood that she would not be able to stay in the office all day. For one, it was barely big enough to even warrant the name office. There was a small desk crammed into a corner where she could do most of her work, but she had to do some of the book repairing and processing on a table by the reference section. At other times, it simply became necessary for Carolina to help out at the front desk.
On that particular day, it was a combination of the two. She tried to remain in the office as much as possible, waiting for the branch manager to specifically call her name before she left her hiding place. As long as she wasn’t summoned, she assumed she was safe, and so she stayed seated as long as possible. Late in the afternoon, when the library was even quieter than usual, she gathered up her book repair supplies and walked out past the circulation desk. She paused by the desk when she noticed a particularly creepy patron standing in front of it, chatting with the branch manager. She hated herself for stumbling and potentially drawing attention to herself. The branch manager gave her a nod, as if to say he had everything under control, and Carolina scurried away, her head down.
Her work for that afternoon was a stack of books that had been poorly processed, or perhaps just processed in the stone age, given how yellowed and dried out the glue holding them together was. It was easy enough, but tedious, work that required carefully peeling the old dust jacket covers off, replacing them with new ones and gluing the new ones into place. At this point, Carolina was fairly certain she could repair an entire library full of books in her sleep.
The only difficult part was physically smashing the books together to make sure the glue set and they didn’t just fall apart again as soon as she walked away. It took a little more upper body strength that Carolina possessed, depending on the size of the book, and required her to stand up from her table and really put her back into it.
Just as she leaned over to press one particularly heavy large print book down, she felt it. A warm hand on the small of her back. “That looks like a pretty tough job for someone your size.”
Carolina froze. She wanted to tell him to stop. To get his hand off her body. She wanted to scream. Then again, it was only her lower back. Was it that bad? She hated herself for even questioning it. Couldn’t he feel how tense she was? He was close enough she could practically smell his breath. She let out a nervous laugh, but her mouth was too dry for anything more than that. It was that bad.
“Carolina,” the branch manager Jeff said, having appeared out of nowhere. “Why don’t you let me take over there? I think it’s time for your break.”
She mouthed thank you, and sidled away from the man, not looking back at him as she scurried into the office. She closed the door behind her, which was typically considered disallowed, but she didn’t care right then. She didn’t care about anything except getting as far away from that creepy old man as she could.
Carolina slid to the floor, her back pressed against the closed door. It was difficult for her to define how she felt right then. Violated? She supposed. What he had done seemed so minor, yet she knew this wasn’t the first time he had come close to the line with both her and other female patrons. If she wasn’t the one to draw a line somewhere, how much farther would he go the next time? She didn’t want to think about it.
She realized, with disgust, that there was a fine line between assault and the sort of touch she craved. It seemed obvious that the line varied depending on how attractive the person with wandering hands was to the person he was touching. Yet as obvious as that seemed, it also seemed wrong somehow. Unfair. If she was attracted to him, Carolina knew she would let a guy get away with a lot more, things that perhaps she shouldn’t allow. Yet she was the arbiter of who was and wasn’t allowed to touch her, and it didn’t matter what her reasoning was—if she said no, that was all there was to it.
So why hadn’t she been able to actually say no?
Carolina groaned and buried her head in her hands. What had just happened to her was so small, something she knew she should be able to easily recover from. But it was just enough to reveal to her how there truly was a massive gray area where assault was concerned, and how it was not as simple as she wanted it to be. It didn’t matter that she logically knew what was wrong and what she should have done—how a person actually reacted and felt when violated was impossible to predict.
With another groan, she pulled herself out of the floor. There was no point in feeling sorry for herself. She could have reacted better, been firm with the creep, but she trusted Jeff to handle it. This would be the last straw for someone who had been a problem for the library for quite some time. Things would be fine. She would be fine.
She made her way back to her desk, and saw that there was a new notification on her phone. It was a text message from Laura.
Check T’s LJ. He’s starting up a new fan club thing. I’m already signed up.
Speaking of guys she would want to touch her… Carolina thought. She rolled her eyes at herself for recovering so quickly and for being so shallow. Nevertheless, she clicked on Firefox and navigated her way to Taylor’s journal to read whatever it was Laura was referring to in her text.
Jordan Taylor (sacredfool83) wrote,
2007-10-10 11:39:08
Subject: on the road again
Hey y’all.
First of all, I want to say a massive thank you to everyone I was able to meet on the west coast leg of the tour. It was awesome to have so much support out on the road, even though I wasn’t the headliner. Seeing how much love and support you guys have for my music, I decided to finally put into motion a plan I’ve had in the back of my mind for a while.
With the help of my tech savvy brother Zac, my website is now fully functional. There’s a new section for my brand new fan club. Sign up and you’ll get early access to my new music, including an EP that is in production right now and should be ready to ship by the time the east coast leg of the tour is finished. You’ll also get handwritten lyrics to your favorite Jordan Taylor song, and any more goodies I can think of. It’s all pretty new and I don’t really know how it’s going to work, but I hope it helps this awesome community of fans I have to grow and become even closer and more awesome.
We’ll be back on the road in just two short weeks, and I look forward to meeting any of you who plan on coming to those shows!
Almost hating herself for being such a willing, desperate fan, Carolina clicked on the link to his website. She dutifully filled out the fan club registration form, providing her Paypal account for the yearly fee. It was pathetic, she thought, how Taylor had her in the palm of his hand and had no clue. If he said jump, she would ask how high. She would be ashamed of herself for it, but she would still do it.
She had just received the email confirmation of her membership when the office door opened and Jeff walked in.
“Are you cool? You can take the rest of the afternoon off if you need to. I finished up the other two books you had left, so no worries about those.”
Carolina shook her head. “Just… is he gone? If he’s still here, I can work back here, but I’d rather not go back out there.”
“Oh no, he’s gone,” Jeff replied, crossing his arms over his chest. “You know I’m not the toughest, but I told him how things were going to be. I took down all his information, and I’m sending it over to the main branch right now to get him officially banned. And I will call the police if he comes back in.”
“I really, really appreciate that,” Carolina said, feeling childish as she stared back up at Jeff, even though she knew he wasn’t that much older than her—he was in his mid-thirties at the most.
“Do you want me to call the cops now? I can do that. I have no problem with that. Really, I shouldn’t have let it go on as long as it has without taking more drastic steps.”
Carolina shook her head. “No, I just want to know he won’t be back in here again. I don’t think we need to bring in the police and make that big of a thing out of it. Then people will be worried about coming in here, even though the problem is taken care of. And it’s not like you could have known; until today, he hadn’t really done anything. Just giving women the creeps isn’t against library policies.”
“It isn’t, but I’m starting to think it should be,” Jeff shot back.
Carolina let out a soft chuckle somewhat in spite of herself. “Maybe you should bring that up at the next board meeting.”
“I’ll make a note of it,” Jeff replied, a soft smile letting Carolina know he was mostly joking as well. “Like I said, why don’t you just work quietly back here? And if you want to leave a few minutes early, I’ll look the other way.”
“Thanks,” Carolina replied.
Jeff gave her a nod, then headed back to the circulation desk. Carolina heaved a long sigh, willing her mind to focus on work again. Between the creepy patron and her stupid feelings for Taylor, her mind was all over the place. She couldn’t stop it from imagining what it would have felt like to have Taylor behind her, his long, thin hand that low on her back…
Help. She definitely needed help. Maybe taking the rest of the afternoon off wasn’t such a bad idea.