Loved You in Secret
Deep fears that the world would divide us
So, baby, can we dance
Oh, through an avalanche?
And say, say that we got it
I’m a mess, but I’m the mess that you wanted
Oh, ’cause it’s gravity
Oh, keeping you with me
I could’ve spent forever with your hands in my pockets
Picture of your face in an invisible locket
You said there was nothing in the world that could stop it
I had a bad feeling
But we were dancing
Dancing with our hands tied, hands tied
By the time they arrived at the club, it was teeming with people, all drinking and dancing on the crowded dance floor. Carolina was, once again, glad she had already had a few drinks—this couldn’t have been farther from her scene and she wouldn’t have been able to fake it sober.
A few shots later, though, she was dancing along with Laura and Emilia, and had forgotten all about her earlier worries. When Zac walked in, she joined in with the others who cheered loudly at his appearance.
“What are you doing here?” Laura asked him.
“Mia was just a little concerned about all of you girls wandering around on your own, drinking, in an unfamiliar town. She’s still cleaning up, but she sent me on ahead.”
“So you’re our chaperone,” Carolina replied, smirking a bit.
Zac shrugged. “Something like that. Just doing what I’m told. If it helps, I’ll buy the next round?”
Once they had all agreed upon that and he had walked away with their drink orders, a girl whose name Carolina didn’t know said, “I wonder if Taylor will come soon.”
“Hopefully soon,” Emilia said. Carolina was beginning to have doubts—a lot of doubts.
“Well, surely one of us has his phone number. Why doesn’t somebody text him?” The girl asked.
Carolina glanced around at the group. No one else volunteered, so she pulled out her phone. She shrugged and said, “I’ll give it a try.”
U coming to the club?
Sorry, got caught up chatting with old friends! I’ll try to get away soon.
“He might be here soon,” Carolina said, stuffing her phone back in her pocket and ignoring the glances of girls who no doubt wanted to know why she had his number.
Seconds later, Zac returned, an entire tray full of assorted shots in hand. That effectively distracted everyone from Carolina. Once they had all downed their shots, the dancing resumed, with Zac in the middle of the circle. He seemed to alternate between embarrassed and enjoying it, and Carolina could relate.
Only Emilia seemed not to be enjoying herself. She was leaning up against a wall with a hand on her temple, and Carolina broke away from the group to ask if she was okay.
“I think I’m getting a migraine,” Emilia said. “I don’t want you guys to leave since you’re all having fun, but I really need to get back to the hotel.”
“Okay, well, we don’t have to stay until last call or anything. We can go back.”
Emilia shook her head, then winced. “No, seriously. You’re having fun. Maybe you guys will even get to see Taylor again, but I really can’t stay. I’ll just go back by myself.”
“Is everything alright?” Zac asked.
“Migraine,” Carolina said, giving a nod in Emilia’s direction. By this time, the rest of the group had noticed and huddled around them. “She’s being stubborn and saying she’s going back to the hotel alone.”
“You can’t go by yourself!” Laura cried out.
“I’m not going to make you guys leave early, either.”
“And now we’re going to go around in this circle again,” Carolina remarked.
“How about I call a taxi and I’ll go back with her, just to make sure she makes it safely?” Zac offered. “Unless you girls don’t want her leaving with a stranger like me.”
“Do they come any stranger than you?” Laura shot back, and Zac gave her a look that implied that was exactly the reaction he had hoped for. Carolina hadn’t paid much attention to him back in the day, but she decided that she liked him—of course, not in the same way that she liked Taylor. Not at all.
“Seriously, though, if you would—that would be great. I think we’d all feel a lot better. And text us when you get there so we know everything is okay.”
“Will do,” Emilia muttered, forcing a week smile that showed just how severe her migraine had become.
A few songs later, Mia and her roommates Violet and Yulia walked in, accompanied by Zac. Carolina assumed this meant Emilia had made it safely back to the hotel, and a quick check of her phone confirmed that. The girls greeted them with hugs and smiles, and Carolina was surprised that it really didn’t even seem fake. They were tall and pretty and effectively the in crowd; Carolina couldn’t understand why they would be happy to see her again, or at all.
“Is Taylor coming?” The pushy girl from earlier asked.
Mia shook her head. “He decided to go back to his place. He hadn’t taken Princess for a walk before he came over for the house show. Plus, he’s got rehearsals and things tomorrow. I’m sure he’ll party after the show tomorrow night, though.”
“He better,” the girl replied, her tone somewhat teasing, but not quite enough.
‘I’m sure he will,” Mia replied, chuckling softly. “He’s just had to spread himself so thin this week. It’s hard trying to make time for everybody.”
It was then that Carolina noticed Laura had all but completely checked out of the conversation and was staring at her phone with her brow furrowed. Carolina took a step closer to her. “What’s up?”
“It’s Emilia,” Laura replied.
“Is she feeling worse?” Zac asked. “She told me she was going straight to bed.”
Laura shook her head. “No, I mean—it’s not the migraine. She’s really upset that Taylor didn’t come to the club. I don’t know, she’s just really mad and says she may not go to the show tomorrow. She doesn’t like that he’s giving more attention to some fans than others.”
“Where is all of this coming from?” Mia asked. “He’s doing the best he can, but there’s only some much of him to go around.”
“I really don’t know. Maybe just the migraine getting to her. She’s saying that Taylor is with you girls and he’s ignoring the rest of us, and I’m trying to tell her—one, you guys are with us now, and two, you’re his friends, way more than we are, so of course he would spend more time with you.”
“Something’s getting into her head,” Mia replied. “Like I said, it’s been tough for him, but he’s doing his best. He’s definitely not trying to play favorites.”
Yulia leaned in and said, “Why don’t we all just take a group pic to send her? That way she’ll know that we’re together and Tay’s not here.”
“Great idea,” Laura replied, holding her phone out in front of her. The girls crowded around and took a photo, and Laura quickly typed another message to Emilia. “I just hope this works. I don’t want her to be upset about this; there’s no reason for it. Whatever she thinks about Taylor, like, avoiding us or whatever—it’s just ridiculous.”
“I feel like I should say something to him,” Mia remarked.
Laura shook her head. “Please don’t. She’s so upset, but she didn’t even want me to tell you about it in the first place.”
Mia didn’t reply to that, and with nothing else to really be said about it, the girls went back to dancing. A few moments later, Carolina noticed that Mia had pulled out her phone; the light from the screen hit her in the eye. She saw Taylor’s name at the top of the screen and glanced away quickly. She shouldn’t snoop, she knew. Then again, neither should Mia directly go against what Laura had asked of her. Carolina filed away this new bit of information about Mia. It was information that Taylor needed to know, if he were going to have a healthy relationship with these fans he kept so close to him, but it was also important to know that Mia would break a person’s confidence if she felt the information should not be a secret.
Carolina could understand it, and was certain she would do the same thing in Mia’s shoes, but she now knew that she needed to tread lightly around this girl. She could not, as she had considered, confide in her safely. She had hoped to have someone she could talk to about this, someone who would understand the situation more than Laura did. Someone who could perhaps give her some insight into what Taylor was thinking. But she knew now that if she told Mia anything, it would all go straight back to Taylor, and there was no way that would reflect well upon her. Keeping her mouth shut—as much as possible—was the only way forward. She had already screwed that up too many times already.
In the end, they all stayed at the club until last call. Carolina could barely feel her feet when they finally left and caught a cab back to the hotel. The night had been a whirlwind, more of it bad than good, and Carolina wasn’t sure how she was still awake at all.
She and Laura tiptoed back into their hotel room, trying not to wake Emilia, who seemed to have finally drifted off in spite of her headache and everything else. Carolina was sure they would have to have some sort of conversation in the morning about what Taylor had or hadn’t done to upset her, but right then, she couldn’t think about that.
All she wanted right then was to sleep, and to hopefully feel more at ease in the morning. Things would have to be better then, in the sober light of day.
As she laid down, she picked up her phone one last time, hoping to see some sort of text or message from Taylor. There was nothing. She wasn’t sure what she had expected. There was a part of her that felt just as abandoned and avoided as Emilia, but the biggest part of her knew it was unfair. She knew she had no right to think she deserved more time with him than any of the other girls, yet she wanted it. She wanted to be with him right then, not falling asleep alone in a hotel room. She didn’t think that was too much to ask for.