The Mystery That I Am Solving
Now I only toss and turn
When will I ever learn?
Boy, I never listen
Cause I’m a hopeless romantic
When I should run for my life
Honey, I don’t understand it
Cause it’s magic, but it’s tragic
I know you’re gonna eat me alive
You’re gonna eat me alive
Against her better judgment, Carolina let herself be talked into visiting her family for Thanksgiving. She hadn’t been back to West Virginia in over two years, and thankfully, that streak continued. If her mother’s family hadn’t decided to all gather in the Smokies for the holiday, Carolina doubted she would have agreed to visit at all.
As soon as she arrived, she regretted it. She was the youngest of all her cousins, and aside from one with a long-term live-in girlfriend, the only single one. If her spinster status wasn’t a direct topic of conversation, it still made her the odd one out when everyone else was discussing their husbands and kids and she had nothing to contribute to the conversation.
The day after Thanksgiving, Carolina had opted to stay in the cabin while nearly everyone else went out shopping in the early hours of the morning. While she was far from a morning person, it was the first little scrap of privacy she had found during the entire week and she was determined to take advantage of it. The cabin didn’t have wifi, but there was a router with a short cord that provided fairly decent speeds once she had connected her laptop to it and convinced it to connect to the unfamiliar network.
Her very first stop online was LiveJournal, to look at new photos and stories from the latest tour stops. Taylor and Rooney were in Canada now, and all of Taylor’s own photos had long, whiny captions about how cold it was. Carolina wasn’t a fan of the cold either, but she wished she could be there by his side anyway. She pulled her phone from her pocket and typed out an instant message, hoping she wouldn’t wake him up. She couldn’t wait, though; if she did, she would talk herself out of sending the message, just as she had every other message she had typed over the past month.
xcityofnightx: looking at pics from tour, and it seems like you guys are having a ton of fun! i’m still so glad we got to meet and hang out, even if the hotel show didn’t happen. it was still awesome, and it definitely won’t be my last show.
The message was long, but Carolina wanted to be sure she said everything she meant. Even if she was sure, now, that there was nothing romantic between the two of them and never would be, it was still true that she had loved getting to meet him. He was unlike anyone else and she wanted him in her life, even if just as a friend. She could be content with just that, she was reasonably certain. As long as they were close, in whatever way, she would be happy.
Since it was still early, she didn’t expect a response right away. She spent a little more time puttering around the internet, checking her email and the Goodreads reviews on the anthology she’d done with Laura, which had finally been released the month before. When all of that became boring, she put her laptop away and curled up into a small ball in the cabin’s armchair. One of her younger cousins had kept them all up late the night before with cocktails, and Carolina found herself drifting off to sleep easily, in spite of her awkward position in the chair.
While she napped, she had strange, blurry dreams that made little sense. A parade of all the boys she had dated filtered through her mind, but she couldn’t make sense of whatever message they were trying to send her.
When she finally awoke again, it was to the sound of a new message alert on her phone.
sacred fool: tour’s been great! i still feel bad that we couldn’t make it work, but there will always be a next time, right?
xcityofnightx: i hope so! it definitely looks like you guys are having a fun. wish i could go to a few more shows… one just gave me a taste for it…
sacred fool: you should! just quit your job and come out on the road!
xcityofnightx: wish i could! kinda need the job to afford what few shows i do go to.
Carolina wasn’t surprised that a reply to that didn’t come quickly. What else could he say? Besides, he had to be busy. She was surprised he had even replied this early; she assumed rockstars must sleep even later than she did when given the chance.
She read over the messages a few times, trying not to find hidden meanings between the lines but unable to contain her happiness that he had responded at all. Of course he didn’t mean for her to truly quit her job and come on the road with him. But music and touring were the only lives he knew. He would encourage anyone to take up the same sort of vagabond lifestyle he lived. It didn’t mean anything.
Meaningless or not, it still made Carolina’s heart beat a little faster.
Knowing she wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep after that, she grabbed her laptop and opened it up again. She had made good progress on her latest book, but NaNoWriMo wasn’t over yet and she had wordcount goals to meet. With Taylor on her mind again, she had new inspiration to continue writing, and she found that the words flowed easily.
Carolina arrived back in California late Sunday night, finally feeling like she could breathe again. It wasn’t that she didn’t like her family, but she couldn’t relate to them at all. Being back in her own home with just her cats for company sounded like a great relief after nearly a full week surrounded by people.
The cab ride from the airport in San Jose back to her house was long enough to give her time to think and decompress, after sleeping through the entire flight. She had to go back to work early the next morning, which was poor scheduling on her part, but at the same time, she really didn’t mind. Work kept her mind off other things, like the fact that she still couldn’t stop thinking about Taylor Hanson.
When she arrived back at her house, it was deathly quiet. Nancy and Ned were still at the kennel and would be until she got off work the next afternoon. The mailbox was stuffed full, and Carolina made a note to get her mail held if she ever went out of town again. She juggled her suitcases carefully as she pulled the stack of mail from the box and waddled into the house, now completely loaded down.
Just inside the door, she dropped her luggage, not caring about it for the moment. She wanted a snack and to curl up in her own bed. That was all she needed right then. Carolina tossed her armload of mail on the kitchen counter and retrieved a bottle of juice from the refrigerator. She drank nearly half of it down in just a few gulps, and began to feel a little more like herself again. She had been too cheap to buy anything to eat on the plane, and she was starting to feel it then, no matter how late it was.
Once that need was taken care of, she began to sort through the mail. Most of it was junk—sales papers, coupons, credit card offers and more that didn’t interest her at all. At the bottom of the stack, though, was a thicker bubble mailer, with a Los Angeles return address. She ripped into it quickly, her mind going blank, with no idea who could possibly be sending her mail from the city of angels.
There was only one option, of course, and Carolina should have guessed it. It was Taylor.
She tipped the mailer over and shook its contents out onto her countertop. She had nearly forgotten about the fan club thing, but it all came flooding back when she saw what he had sent. There was an EP, with a black and white, sketchy photo of Taylor on the cover. She flipped it over and saw that it contained three songs she had already heard, between his concert and the video teasers he posted on YouTube—Lost Without You, Sunny Day and Wondering Why. She especially liked the first one. It took her right back to being in the audience of his concert and the euphoria she felt when he looked at her.
Another item fell out after the EP, and Carolina was a bit perplexed when she saw that it was just notebook paper, the edges ripped and torn. Then she flipped it over and saw what must have been Taylor’s handwriting, the ink smudged in a few places and a few mistakes crossed out.
She’s walking round in emptiness
She’s looking for the good
she left in her prom dress
She can’t take back all her regrets
Her only hope is what she did
she’ll soon forget
This must be the end of the line
The sky’s a blur
My drug my friend
Sometimes you can’t avoid the lonesome bitter end
She’s breathing in some nicotine
And when she’s down
she’ll drown this town in kerosene
This must be the end of the line
This must be the end of the line
This must be the end of the line
The ganja boys
The locker there
Maybe the truth is just
too much for you to bear
You can’t avoid a compromise
Maybe this is just a reflection
of what’s on your mind
This must be the end of the line
This must be the end of the line
This must be the end of the line
Even all this time we’re still making it fine
Even all this time we’re still making it fine
Even all this time we’re still making it fine
This must be the end of the line
This must be the end of the line
This must be the end of the line
She’s walking round in emptiness
She’s looking for the good
she left in her prom dress
At first, Carolina didn’t understand. It wasn’t a song she was familiar with, but it must have been one Taylor had written. She was sure it couldn’t be about her, because he didn’t know a thing about her, yet he seemed to have captured her life so perfectly. That was the gift of a talented song writer, she supposed.
Carolina snapped a quick picture, making sure to capture that weed reference in the second verse, and texted it to Laura, along with a long line of question marks. Laura would get the hint, she thought.
Wow, you got that song?! I just got Sunny Day ☹
I don’t even know this one! He didn’t play it at the concert, did he? Those lyrics though!
He didn’t, but I saw him play it years ago when I came to LA for the weekend right after me and the hubs moved here.
I just kind of freaked out when I saw the second verse. I want to hear him sing it now!
There might be a video on YT. It’s so good. Just don’t read too much into it. You never know what his lyrics are about. They’re personal, he admits that, but he won’t really say more than that.
I know, I know. I didn’t think it was really ABOUT me, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he sent me of all people a song about pot, yanno?
No I get it. Just saying. Be careful.
I will. Ttyl though, I just got home and I need some sleep.
Goodnight girly
Carolina placed the notebook page back on her counter and sighed. She would try not to read too much into it. If it meant anything, it was only that he remembered sharing that joint with her. She was a friend with weed, and nothing more, and she would learn to be okay with that. At least she was something to him.