Hopelessly Hopeful
We’re the kids who feel like dead ends
And I want to be known for my hits, not just my misses
I took a shot and didn’t even come close
At trust and love and hope
And the poets are just kids who didn’t make it
And never had it at all
And the record won’t stop skipping
And the lies just won’t stop slipping
And besides my reputation’s on the line
We can fake it for the airwaves
Force our smiles, baby, half dead
From comparing myself to everyone else around me
Delanie drug Carolina down a hallway until the din of people arriving for the party was barely audible and no one else was around to hear whatever it was she wanted to say. Carolina stared at her, waiting for her to speak first.
“I know you said nothing happened between you and Taylor…”
Carolina nodded.
“But I just need to know, did he act completely platonic toward you?” Delanie asked.
Carolina stared at her. Platonic? “I don’t… I don’t think I know what you mean by that.”
“I mean, did he act like someone who has a girlfriend?”
“I don’t know how someone with a girlfriend acts when he’s just hanging out with a friend,” Carolina said, proud of herself for getting the words out without betraying the fact that her heart had fallen into the very bottom of her stomach.
“Well, here’s the thing,” Delanie said, taking a slight step closer. “After the show last night, I asked him to come back to my hotel room with me. He said, ‘no, not when you’re this drunk,’ which was a totally respectable way to respond, and I’m fine with that.”
Carolina nodded again, her mind spinning. Did Taylor have a girlfriend? How close had he come to accepting Delanie’s proposition? It was all too much to process, and the shot she’d taken that was still burning her throat didn’t help.
“But see, after that, Mia and her friends told me the real reason he said no was because he has a girlfriend. They’ve been together for a couple years and he’s kept it really quiet but he’s starting to realize how serious he is about her. And she was at the show last night.”
“Oh,” Carolina squeaked out. It was possible, she supposed, but if he was serious about someone else, surely he wouldn’t have slept with her. Surely not. She had to believe that.
“Who do you think it is?” Delanie asked, her tone suddenly shifting from spurned to gossiping.
Carolina shook her head. “I don’t—I don’t have a clue. I mean, I just assume that he’s slept with all of these girls who he’s known for years, and then I don’t worry about it. I mean, I thought he was with Mia before I knew about her and Zac.”
“No, they’ve never had sex, but he did proposition her a while back. She turned him down, though, because she would never do that to Zac,” Delanie replied. Her tone shifted again. “The thing is, if he really does have this girl he’s serious about—whoever she is—he really needs to think about the way he acts toward us. It’s not fair, you know, letting all of these girls think that they’re getting one thing, when it’s not true.”
“I mean, none of us are guaranteed to get anything—he’s just a flirt, but that’s his stage persona. We talked about that before. Just because that’s how he acts onstage doesn’t mean that’s how he really is in person. I think this kind of just proves my point.” She was seconds away from falling apart, she was sure of it. He had a girlfriend—and she had slept with him.
Have you ever been the person someone cheated with?
He’d asked her that, during the movie, while they traded their stories. She hadn’t thought much of it at the time. Suddenly that oddly specific question made way, way too much sense, and it made Carolina sick to her stomach. She leaned back against the wall and tried to focus on what Delanie was saying.
“But he’s encouraging us to flirt and to think that we have a chance. It’s not just harmless flirting. We’re sending him pics, we’re sending him videos—”
“Speak for yourself,” Carolina butted in, although she had a feeling Delanie was doing exactly that.
“Oh, you don’t want to know some of the shit I’ve sent him. Things he asked for, things he obviously enjoying getting. It makes me feel fucking sick knowing I did that and he’s dating someone. But I know you haven’t done that kind of thing, and he’s just… he’s so different with you. Which is why I thought you might know if it’s true.”
“He’s different with me because I don’t flirt and send him pictures and things,” Carolina replied, then bit her lip. Maybe she shouldn’t have said that. But if it hurt Delanie’s feelings, she didn’t show it. “But that doesn’t mean that we’re really that close or he talks to me about anything.”
“I just think someone needs to tell him to be fucking honest with us. Yes, it will hurt to find out the truth now, but he needs to come clean. Even if it ruins the illusion and he loses some fans over it. Honesty is worth it.”
“If it’s true, I agree.” If. It was a big if. She hoped.
“Hey, guys,” Laura said, poking her head around the corner. “The show’s about to start. It’s on the patio—go through the living room and around the side.”
Delanie practically skipped after her, as though that entire conversation hadn’t happened, and she hadn’t just all but cursed Taylor’s name. Carolina stayed leaning against the wall for a moment, trying to catch her breath and calm herself down.
Once she finally felt capable of walking again, she headed to the kitchen rather than the living room. She grabbed a bottle of rum and poured herself a generous portion into a red plastic cup. She followed it up with just a hint of soda, the drink still almost completely clear. This vacation was proving to be very bad for her liver, Carolina thought as she threw back her poorly mixed concoction.
As she drank, her mind became clearer again somehow. She had known Delanie wasn’t to be trusted. She had known and she still had let her get too close. Because it had been so ridiculous, Carolina had all but forgotten Delanie’s claim that Taylor had tried every drug known to man. She had dismissed it outright, but she hadn’t thought about why Delanie would make that sort of claim in the same breath that she assured Carolina that Taylor would only want sex from her.
Delanie was trying to take out the competition.
Of course Taylor didn’t have a girlfriend. Delanie only wanted to gage her reaction to it, because she still didn’t believe that Carolina hadn’t slept with him. And if it also had the side effect of convincing Carolina not to pursue him, that was even better for Delanie.
It seemed obvious. It had to be the truth.
Carolina refilled her drink, then headed outside, where she could hear Taylor beginning to strum his guitar to no particular tune. He was dressed down, in ripped jeans and a sweatshirt, and when he saw her walk out his face lit up. Carolina didn’t think she would ever tire of all the ways he looked at her, all the expressions that made her forget any other girls were in the room at all.
As she settled into the only empty seat, which was unfortunately next to Delanie, she wondered how she could have ever doubted Taylor at all. Everything was fine. There was nothing to worry about.
Laura gave her a quizzical look, and Carolina tried to discretely pull out her phone and type out a text. It was difficult to sum up the conversation she had just had with Delanie, but she tried her best. She hated that she wasn’t giving the concert her full attention, and she slid her hand over her phone when Zac walked over and hovered over her shoulder. Was he spying on her? That was ridiculous, she told herself, but she didn’t finish typing her text until he had walked away.
She has to be lying, right?! Maybe I should ask Mia about it.
If you can do it in a way that doesn’t bring me into the equation and just makes it about what Delanie did, go for it. But plz plz plz don’t mention my name.
There’s clearly plenty to say just about Delanie, so that shouldn’t be a problem at all!
Carolina resisted the urge to laugh out loud, but Laura had a point. As they were texting, Delanie had stood up from her seat and begun to dance awkwardly in front of Taylor. Carolina didn’t know what she had been so worried about; Delanie was so transparently desperate for his attention and Carolina had already learned that wasn’t the way to get it.
The concert was just beginning to wind down when a loud knock reverberated through the house and carried all the way to the patio. Zac hurried off to answer it, and returned a moment later with a police officer trailing behind him.
“Apparently we got a noise complaint,” he said, with a barely concealed eye roll. “He says the music has to stop, and if the party itself gets too loud again, everyone will have to leave.”
“One more song, officer?” Taylor asked, a sheepish grin on his face.
The officer shook his head. “Sorry, guys. Just trying to keep the neighbors happy.”
Zac escorted the officer back through the house and reluctantly, everyone began packing up to leave. Mia suggested they all meet back up at a bar down the street in a few minutes.
“Are you going to come to the bar?” Delanie slurred at Taylor.
“Gimme a few to pack my guitar and stuff up,” he replied.
Mia put a protective hand on his arm. “We’re just going to get a start on cleaning up here, and then we’ll meet you guys over there.”
“I’ll stay and help. I did help make the mess, after all.” Delanie said, and Carolina could have sworn that for a brief moment, Mia was going to refuse.
There was a part of Carolina that wanted to volunteer to stay behind and help clean up, but she knew she couldn’t. There was a clear, palpable divide, between the fans and the friends, and she knew which category that she was in—at least to everyone but Taylor. Then again, she wasn’t entirely sure about that either. All she knew for certain was that Delanie was taking obvious, desperate leaps over that line, and it wasn’t a good look. Carolina didn’t think it would look any better on her.
Without any better options, Carolina let Laura take her by the arm and lead her out of the house, Emilia and a few other fans trailing behind them. The group of them paraded down the street to the bar, their moods clearly varying wildly between those who wanted to continue partying and those who wanted to remain with Taylor. Carolina knew which group she was in, but she had put all that effort into getting dressed up to party—there was no point in letting that go to waste, she decided, even if it hadn’t had the desired effect upon Taylor. She pasted on a smile and tried to ignore the fact that she really just wanted to go back to the hotel and sleep.