Dec. 15, 2013. Lynn Lane, Tulsa, OK.
Lily
I couldn’t remember the last time I woke up next to someone, but suffice it to say, it had been a long, long time. Customers don’t spend the night. I felt a brief moment of panic when I realized there was another body in my bed, but then I remembered who it was.
Zac.
Not a customer at all. Zac was… the man I loved. I wasn’t sure what surprised me more—realizing I felt that way about him or having the guts to admit it.
It was true, though. This beautiful boy next to me, curled up and sleeping like he didn’t have a care in the world… I loved him, and I hoped I could be the sort of woman I knew he deserved. I also hoped I didn’t wake him up, because his sleeping form, hair fanned out like a halo on my pillow, was just about the most adorable thing I had ever seen.
Very, very carefully I pulled myself out of his grasp and eased off the bed. I opened a drawer as silently as possible, and pulled on a pair of silk pajamas over the underwear I barely remembered putting on before falling asleep, completely content, in his arms.
I took one last look back at the bed before leaving the room. He was still as peacefully and deeply asleep as ever. That was good. I was sure after such a long, emotional tour, he needed his rest. He also needed some pampering, I decided as I reached the kitchen. I turned the Keurig on and popped a hazelnut coffee in for me, then pulled a packet of bacon from the refrigerator. Those two smells ought to wake him up better than any alarm clock, I thought.
Sure enough, the bacon was just starting to crisp when I heard footsteps coming up behind me. Zac’s strong, thick arms wrapped around my waist, and he pressed a soft kiss to my neck.
“Morning, beautiful,” he said.
“Morning,” I replied, jumping only a little bit at his touch and waving my spatula at him as a warning to be careful, especially since I could feel that he was still dressed in only his boxer briefs.
“I thought I was supposed to serve you,” he remarked, glancing over my shoulder.
“You just looked so cute, though,” I replied, chuckling at the mental image of him all but drooling on the pillow. “I couldn’t wake you up.”
I spun around to face him, and wasn’t surprised to see a faint blush on his cheeks and the adorable, crooked smile I’d come to love on his lips.
“But you can take over if you’d like,” I added, wiggling out of his grip and walking over to the refrigerator, where I retrieved a carton of eggs. “I didn’t know how you liked your eggs, anyway.”
“Go have a seat,” Zac said, taking the carton from my hands. “I’ll take care of it.”
“Thank you,” I replied. I picked up my coffee cup and warmed my hands with it as I took a seat at the island. “You really know how to spoil a girl.”
He shrugged and shot me a smile over his shoulder. “I try.”
“Oh, you succeed.”
Grabbing a pan from the dish drainer, he asked, “Sunny side up okay?”
“Mhm,” I replied. “That’ll be great.”
I couldn’t help smiling as I watched him work, flipping pieces of bacon while simultaneously cooking the eggs. It wasn’t an impressive meal by any means; breakfast tended to be the first, if not only, thing most men learned to cook. His enthusiasm, though, was something else.
“Are you normally this much of a morning person?” I asked. “I wouldn’t imagine most rockstars are.”
Zac chuckled. “Not really. I’m hardly ever up before ten.”
“Lucky,” I replied. “I mean, I can set my own hours, mostly, but the day job does tend to start early.”
“When we’re working on something, Tay’s kinda strict about getting started on time,” Zac replied. I noticed that he didn’t even tense or flinch at the name, and I hoped that meant they really had worked out their issues. After a moment, he added, “Well, Hanson time, but still early.”
“Hanson time?” I repeated, raising an eyebrow.
“Yeah, Hanson time.” Zac chuckled. “Anywhere from ten minutes to an hour behind real time, depending on what we’re doing.”
“Oh, I see,” I replied. “You’re always on time for me, though…”
Zac turned to give me a smirk. “That’s because I tell myself our appointments are a half hour earlier than they really are.”
I laughed out loud. Taking a moment to regain my composure, I replied, “That’s kind of brilliant, actually.”
“It works,” Zac replied with a shrug, turning back to the stove.
“They’re not appointments now, though,” I said softly.
“No,” Zac replied, and I thought I could actually hear the smile on his face.
“That’s… that’s going to be a bit of a change. For both of us, I guess.”
Zac nodded softly, popping a few slices of bread into the toaster. He turned slowly to face me. “You… you do want to, though, right? I mean, you want to be with me?”
“Yes,” I replied without even a moment’s hesitation. “I do. Doesn’t mean it’s not a little scary.”
Zac nodded again, falling silent as he carried our plates to the table. I grabbed a glass and carton of orange juice and followed behind him.
I didn’t think I had said anything wrong, but perhaps he misinterpreted my nerves as hesitance. Hadn’t I shown him how much I wanted to be with him? I thought I had. He watched me closely as I poured a glass of juice for him and sat down at the table, pulling my chair close to his.
“I know things have happened pretty fast,” Zac finally said, and I braced myself for the ‘but’ I was sure would follow. It didn’t.
“Yeah,” I breathed out. He didn’t speak again, and I decided he was giving me the opportunity to explain myself. “And I’ve been single for a long time. Sort of a hazard of the job, I guess.”
Zac frowned, but his eyes still seemed a bit confused.
“It’s kind of hard to find guys who are cool with what I do, you know?” I continued. “The ones who are cool with it can be… a little too cool with it…”
Zac’s eyes fell to my chest, and even though my pajamas covered the scars, I knew he could see them in his mind as clear as day. Their exact size, shape and path was seared into my memory as well. They were, I had to admit, another reason I didn’t get very close to people. I could usually dress modestly enough to keep them covered, but as soon as the clothes came off, the questions started. And then the judgment. I was relieved that Zac had dropped the subject so quickly last night, but I should have known he was too stubborn to leave it dropped for long.
Adjusting my pajamas a bit, even though I knew I was still covered, I asked, “You’re not going to quit asking about that, are you?”
“I’m sorry,” he replied, his lips turning down in a pout. “I just don’t like knowing someone hurt you.”
“It was a long time ago. Nothing to worry about now.” It was also a cop out of an answer, and I knew that Zac knew it.
“Lily…” he said, reaching for my hand and cradling it in both of his.
I sighed, struggling to meet his eyes. “Yeah?”
“I hope you feel like you can trust me.”
“I do,” I replied honestly. “I really do. I’m just not used to talking about myself a lot.”
“Okay,” Zac replied, giving me a nod. “But whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here, okay?”
“Thanks. I really appreciate it.” And I did. I knew he wouldn’t let it go, but he also wouldn’t push the issue any further.
I eased my hand out of his and picked up my coffee, taking a long, slow sip of it.
Deep down, I knew I should just be honest with Zac. After everything he had shared with me, he deserved as much. But I didn’t even know where to begin. I hadn’t said the words out loud since I’d been forced to repeat them over and over to police officer after police officer, lawyers, judges… Telling the whole, sordid story to anyone else was a terrifying prospect.
But this wasn’t just anyone. This was Zac. I sat my cup down and glanced up at him again.
He smiled, and, sounding almost surprised as though he had just realized the true extent of his feelings, said, “I really do love you.”
“Really?” I repeated, my tone a bit teasing.
He nodded, his smile genuine. “I really do.”
“I love you, too,” I said softly.
“Yeah?” Zac asked, although the expression on his face was, for once, free of doubt.
“Yeah,” I replied. “I really do.”
And I did. I still couldn’t say for sure when it had happened, but there was no question about it. This boy, this beautiful, half-broken boy, had stolen my heart without even trying. Just a few short months ago, I would have laughed if anyone had told me I would be sitting at my kitchen table, enjoying breakfast with Zac Hanson after a blissful night in bed with him, but right then I couldn’t imagine anything more perfect.
Zac
After breakfast, Lily and I showered together; we managed to keeps our hands to ourselves… mostly. Neither one of us had plans, so we decided to spend the rest of the day just being lazy. I tried to help clean up in the kitchen, but was shooed away, so I grabbed my sketchbook and curled up on the couch. A little while later I heard her footsteps, so I set my pencil down and moved my legs to make space for her.
“Hey.”
“The artist at work,” Lily said with a smile. I shrugged and looked down at my book; I’d been working on a portrait of her, laid back on the bed with a sheet covering the best bits.
“Nothing special,” I said, shrugging. “Just a little something.”
“I don’t really care for that self deprecation, you know,” Lily chided, but with a hint of a smile. “Your subject matter does leave a bit to be desired, though.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” I replied, raising an eyebrow. “The sheet’s a bit much.”
Lily let out a contented sigh. “I wish I had the talent to draw you, too. Maybe then you’d see what I see in you.”
“Everyone’s got their talents.” I shrugged again, and felt myself blushing. I glanced up at her and smirked. “Yours just happen to be more… painful.”
Lily smiled proudly, and looked me over. “Well, you’re certainly not lacking in talents, as last night clearly proved.”
Memories of the night before passed behind my eyes, and I felt my body stir. I chuckled and set my sketchbook aside, then leaned closer. “I aim to please… Mistress…”
“You don’t have to call me that now, you know, unless you just really want to.”
“Sorry…” I backed off, giving a sheepish smile.
“You don’t have to apologize. It’s just, you know, you’re not my client anymore. It doesn’t have to be like that… unless you want.”
I nodded, weighing her words. It felt good to not have that weighing over my head anymore. But part of me wasn’t ready to give it all up, either.
“And.. if I do want? I mean, not all the time, but…” I placed a hand on her knee, hoping she got the hint.
“A little playtime never hurt anybody. Well. You know what I mean,” she added with an adorable little smirk.
“There’s a difference between hurt and hurt… You know I can take it,” I chuckled.
“Of that, I have no doubt.” She smiled, but then her expression turned more somber. “But you know, I… I owe you an apology. I’m sorry that I tried to lead you on. Somehow I thought if I could just pretend it was all part of the game, then I wouldn’t have to admit I was basically failing at my job by letting things get sexual.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t blame you for trying to keep things professional.” I sat back a little and ran a hand through my hair, thinking back to before. “There were so many times I figured you were just humoring me, just playing to what you thought I wanted… But I didn’t want to stop you, even if it wasn’t real.” It hurt to admit it, and even to my ears it sounded pitiful and desperate.
“But it was real. I don’t really even know when it changed, but it did. And I’m sorry that you had to be the one to say the professional relationship needed to end, because I should have done it. I knew it should have, but I was–well, frankly I was scared. I didn’t want to risk messing everything up by trying for more.”
“That’s exactly how I felt, and why I was so scared to end it,” I admitted, nodding. “I was pretty sure once I told you how I felt, you’d shoot me down and that’d be it. And then I’d have no one.” I hung my head, remembering how terrified I’d been. I felt Lily lifting my chin, and forced myself to meet her eyes.
“I’m so sorry you felt that way. All because you didn’t know how I felt. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. When you told me… what you told me… I knew you deserved better. It took a lot of guts to be that honest, and I knew then that you deserved my honesty, and respect, and… and my love.”
I felt a swell of emotion, and leaned up to press my lips to hers. “I love you. And I know you deserve the same. Which is why I’m not prying, even though I really want to know who it was that did this…” I brushed my fingers against the marks on her chest, and felt her shiver.
“I guess that’s what all of this is leading to, really,” she sighed. “Because you do deserve honesty from me. So if you want to know, I’ll tell you.”
I sat back a bit, giving her both physical and metaphorical space. “Whenever you’re ready. You know I’d never push you to do anything.”
“I know, and I appreciate that,” she replied, nodding. She sighed again and stared off into the distance, her eyes going unfocused. “Well, I… believe it or not, I was never really that much of a rebel. I was a pretty good kid until I started college, and found a group. You know, goths or whatever. I started going to all the clubs and parties and stuff with them. And this was, not to make myself sound ancient, but this was when the internet was just this novelty thing. It never occurred to me to do any research online, find a community there and learn my shit.”
“You’re not that much older than me, you know,” I chuckled. “Anyway, I didn’t really look anything up at all, until… recently…” I looked away, remembering those first few days. It seemed like a lifetime ago. I hoped eventually I’d be able to think about it without the stab of pain. It was getting easier, at least.
“Sweetheart, I remember seeing you on TRL in my dorm room. I’m old enough.” She gave a tiny smirk, then continued her story. “But really, any amount of research is better than none. Then maybe I would have known better when I met this–well, he was older, but really he was just a pathetic little boy.”
She looked away then, and I hated the shadow of pain I saw pass over her features. “I just… I just didn’t realize that at the time. He was charming enough, though, and I fell for it. He was a Dom, he said, but really he just needed control. And he got it, through whatever means necessary. The thing about that kind of–well, abuse–is that at best, they convince you it’s what you want, and at worst, they convince you it’s what you deserve.”
I clenched my fists at my sides. I didn’t know anything about this guy, other than I wanted to hit him very, very hard. Still, I tried to keep my tone soft when I spoke. “Lily… I’m so sorry. I know there’s no way, but I wish I could’ve been there to protect you. You deserve so, so much better. Better than me, even, but… Well, I’m just lucky, I guess. But you…” I reached up to touch her hair. How anyone could ever want to hurt someone so beautiful, inside and out…
“I love you so much, you know that?” She asked, her voice breaking. “I don’t mean to be all ‘things happen for a reason’ here, but… without all the stuff in our past–mine and yours–we wouldn’t be the us we are now. And I kinda like us now, here… together.” She smiled, blinking away the mist in her eyes, then cleared her throat. “But I was happy, you know. With him. For a while, anyway. We moved in together, things were good. He pushed me to be the best I could be, you know? But pushed my limits, too. And then… Well, then, he ignored them completely.”
I caught myself snarling a little at that. “Lucky I don’t hunt him down and ignore his limits.”
“You know, I’m not sure what it says about me that I find this… protective… side of you kind of hot.” She gave a tiny, sheepish smile, and I chuckled.
“Oh yeah? You should see me in a real fight sometime.”
Lily raised an eyebrow for a moment, then glanced down, the mood shifting again. “He, umm, he loved knives. Collected them. I guess you can see where this is going…”
I felt my eyes widen as they darted to her chest, then narrowed into slits. My stomach dropped, my fists tightened, and I heard a growl that I belatedly realized came from myself. Lily flinched a bit and I managed to snap out of it, at least a little.
“That’s… that’s basically it. I don’t remember much, just waking up bloody and alone. The next thing I knew, I was standing on my friend Dylan’s doorstep, probably looking completely insane. But he took me in, him and his boyfriend Morgan. Took me to the hospital, stayed by my side during all the legal bullshit.”
I bit my lip hard and turned away. I was shaking with fury, and I didn’t want to scare her. “I… don’t even know what to say. Sorry doesn’t cut it, and you probably don’t want to hear what I wanna do to that guy.”
“I’ve probably thought of doing all of it and worse, trust me. Once I came out of this… this fog I was lost in for a while, I guess I flipped all the way to the other side. Started taking the self defense classes everyone recommended, and that was good. But what really worked was talking to other Dommes. Learning from them.”
Lily finally looked me in the eye again, and I could practically see the weight being lifted off her shoulders. “So… that’s how I got here. There’s this saying that the best Doms are the ones who know what it’s like from the other side, and I guess I’m proof that that’s true. It’s cliche, but it gave me back a sense of control. It showed me that I didn’t have to be the person Will made me think I was. The term ‘calling’ is so cheesy, but I liked knowing that I could do this for people, help them, without serving them. And so… this is what I do now.”
I took a deep breath, still trying to calm my nerves. I smiled at Lily, feeling so much love for her it almost hurt. “I’m glad you found a way to work through it. I still wanna eviscerate that guy, but… as long as you’re okay now, that’s all that matters.” I took Lily’s hands in mine, planting a gentle kiss to the back of each one. “Thank you for telling me.”
“You’re welcome,” she replied with a weak smile. “And it’s… God, you know, it was over a decade ago. It’s ancient history. The fact that i could use that knife on you without going into a catatonic state is proof enough that I’ve recovered.”
I frowned, the implications of what I’d unknowingly put her through setting in. “I’m sorry if that upset you… You didn’t have to. I would’ve been fine without it, and you know the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you or upset you.”
“No, you didn’t know. You couldn’t have known. And I think… I think it was good for me. To prove to myself that I could do it.”
“Well, I think you did great. I sure as hell enjoyed it anyway,” I admitted, blushing a little.
“I’m glad.” She gave another smile, this one genuine and warm.
“Anyway, that… That was pretty much the end of my love life, you know? The longest relationship I’ve had is with Jay, my business partner, and there’s no way in hell that’s getting sexual. I’ve dated here and there, and my sex life hasn’t been completely dead on arrival, but nothing ever goes anywhere. Nothing gets serious. I tried totally vanilla men, but they couldn’t understand me at all. And the others either want to be my slaves twenty-four seven or they think they can break me. They don’t get me either. I need someone who sees both sides of me, loves both sides of me, and understands that I’m not… not truly defined by any of it.”
“And I do love all that about you. I love that you know exactly how to push me the way I need.” I smirked, then leaned up to kiss her neck. “But I love making you unravel, too,” I whispered in her ear. She let out a shaky sigh, trembling slightly in my arms.
“Trust me, I know… I think we’re kind of the same that way, aren’t we? I think I saw that in you from the start. Even though you said you needed to be broken, I could see you needed to be put back together. And I didn’t want to–couldn’t–do that as your Domme. Not the way you needed. And it scared me shitless when I realized that, that what I needed and wanted to give you was so much more than just that.”
“I didn’t even know what it was I needed. I wanted to be broken… Broken down until there was nothing left, really. If I’d gotten in with the wrong Domme…” I shuddered slightly, remembering the clubs and the nameless, faceless people I’d gone to before meeting Lily. I’d been so stupid, putting myself in far more danger than I’d realized at the time. “But you. You know exactly how to fix me, when I didn’t even think that was possible.”
“And see, that’s what I meant, exactly. We found each other right when we were supposed to, I think. I don’t believe in much, but the universe knew what it was doing this time.”
“I love you, Lily.” I leaned my forehead against hers, breathing her in. I wanted to be a part of her, and she of me. She’d saved me, in ways I couldn’t begin to describe. And I knew now, that I would do anything to return the favor.
“I know,” she said, tearing up a little. “And I love you too. So much. If you could… If you could just see you the way I see you…”
Her words reminded me of something similar Taylor had said. And while the mental comparison would once have made me uneasy, instead it reconfirmed my feelings. Because of course the one love of my life would remind me of the other, and that was okay. Taylor was just as much to blame, or to thank, for the man I was now. And if it meant finding Lily, I was grateful for it, the good and the bad.