Nov. 20, 2013. The Black Cat, Los Angeles, CA.
Taylor
For much of my visit, Scott and I were hermits, barely leaving his apartment at all. I was fine with that; after weeks and weeks on the road, it was refreshing to be completely hidden away from the public. Getting to spend all of that time with Scott only made it that much better. I’d had time to try out nearly all of my best recipes on him, and I was starting to think he was serious about making me his personal chef. I didn’t mind cooking for him, but I also didn’t mind when he came back from a trip to the studio and informed me we were going out to dinner.
He gave me no information whatsoever about our destination, just an order to make myself pretty. Given that I hadn’t packed anything in particular for this trip, I wasn’t so sure I would be able to manage that. Finally, I settled on a pair of tight jeans, a button-down shirt left partially open and a blazer I hadn’t even intended to pack. I was glad I did, though; if Scott was planning something fancy, then I might just barely pass the test. I took my time fixing my hair, dragging the process out just a bit more than necessary just to make Scott sweat it out.
Scott might have known how to press all of my buttons, almost as if by instinct, but I was starting to figure out his, too.
Sure enough, he was practically pacing when I finally walked down the stairs. His hair was perfectly mussed, and it looked like he might have even ironed his black jeans. He’d paired them with a black shirt and leather jacket; on anyone else, it might have looked a bit try-hard, but the all black thing worked for Scott.
He gave me a long, slow look up and down, then whistled. “Lookin’ good, babe. Feeling a little outclassed over here. You ready?”
“Thanks,” I replied, feeling my cheeks heating up a bit. Of course I had tried to look good, but it was still nice to see my efforts appreciated. “But you know you look great, too. So do I get to know where we’re going or not?”
“What, you don’t trust me?” Scott asked, his grin showing that he wasn’t truly offended. “I think you’ll like it.”
I just barely resisted the urge to roll my eyes. “Of course I trust you. I’m just curious, that’s all.”
“It’s a surprise,” Scott said, opening the front door. “Now be a good boy and get in the car already.”
As I passed, he swatted at my ass. I jumped, even though I should have expected something like that. Just to pay him back for it, I put an extra sway in my hips as I made my way down the sidewalk to where his car was parked.
Scott didn’t say a word as he joined me, but I was sure he was planning out a litany of punishments. That was fine by me. To my surprise, though, he had a strangely sincere look on his face as he started the car.
He didn’t speak until we were on the freeway, evidently headed to something or somewhere on Sunset Boulevard. “So… really glad you’re here.”
“It’s good to be here,” I replied, smiling at him. “For so, so many reasons.”
“Seriously, though,” Scott said, placing a hand on my knee. “This week has been amazing. I can’t really… I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this. Lord knows I’ve done some bad shit in my time.”
My smile fell. Scott’s words were so nonchalant, but I could hear the unspoken anguish. “So what? You think you don’t deserve anything good? I mean, I believe in karma too, but not like that.”
“Pretty sure I’ve got you beat, but whatever.” Scott’s brow furrowed, and I wasn’t sure I even wanted to know all of the thoughts and memories in his mind right then. “Point is, I’m happy you’re here, and that you were willing to give me a chance. I know I didn’t exactly lay on the charm when we first met.”
“It’s not a competition, you know.” A little softer, I added, “And no, you definitely didn’t. But maybe I’m sick of people falling all over themselves trying to get closer to me. You were… different. I liked that.”
Scott snorted. “Yeah, if by different you mean a total ass. Man, you really are a sub, aren’t you?”
He gave me a smirk, but that hadn’t really been what I meant. The truth was that I had learned a long time ago to be skeptical of anyone who tried to get near me. Most of them were so transparent; they all wanted a piece of me… or a piece of my fame.
For a fleeting moment, maybe, I had suspected Scott of that, too. But he didn’t fawn. He didn’t seem impressed by me at all, in fact. I had to work to prove my worth to him, and while that should have frustrated me, it didn’t. It made it all that much sweeter when I realized he truly did want me, and not for what I could do for him, but just for, well, me.
“Yeah, so what?” I replied, rolling my eyes slightly. “Like I said, it was a nice change. Having to actually impress someone, win them over. And not… not doubt their intentions, you know?”
“Yeah, well, you won me over pretty quick.” Scott gave me the sweetest smile I’d ever seen him make and squeezed my knee.
“Could you be any cheesier?” I smirked.
“Maybe…” He replied, a strange look passing over his face. It came and went so quickly that I wasn’t sure what I had seen at all.
I raised an eyebrow, but Scott didn’t say a word. As we pulled up to the valet parking lot of what I assumed was our destination, I all but forgot my concerns. The restaurant was somewhat understated, but clearly expensive. I wondered just how long Scott had been sitting on that reservation, pretending it was something last minute. I didn’t dare ask, though.
“Here we are,” he said plainly as we walked inside.
“You know, I’ve never been here before,” I said, giving Scott a long look. “There’s always something new to discover in LA, isn’t there?”
He nodded, and I hoped he understood my meaning.
Los Angeles had nearly been my downfall more times than I could count. It was where I first discovered my interest in the same sex, where I did my first line and where, on a private beach we hadn’t had permission to be on, I found out I was going to be a father.
This time, though, maybe the City of Angels wasn’t so bad.
We were escorted to a secluded table in the corner. Scott barely glanced at the menu before ordering for both of us–steak for him, scallops for me and a drink aptly named a Suffering Bastard for each. A strange shiver went up my spine at that, but I decided not to question it. He was, after all, my Dom. I supposed having him order for me ought to have been par for the course. In any case, he ordered exactly would I would have picked for myself.
The restaurant was just loud enough to be prohibitive to anything more than small talk, but I couldn’t help trying. I asked Scott about the songs he was working on, but he was elsewhere, all but lost in his thoughts. Finally, once the waitress had brought a second round of drinks, he seemed to come to life.
“So,” he said, giving me a slight grin, “how’d you manage to get away for the whole break, anyway?”
I glanced down. I wasn’t sure if Scott wanted the whole truth, but it didn’t feel right to withhold it from him. Blushing, I replied, “Telling a needlessly complicated lie, then taking the battery out of my phone.”
“So, what, you’ve just avoided them all week?” He cocked an eyebrow in a way that was just this side of judgmental, and I was sure I deserved that and more.
“Basically,” I replied, slowly meeting his eyes.
Scott smirked and shook his head. “And what’s gonna happen when you go back?”
“I’m trying not to think about it, really. But I needed this… this time away from all of them. With you. It’s worth it.” That was the understatement of the year, only barely scratching the surface of how I felt about this stolen time with Scott. I hoped he knew what I was leaving unsaid, though.
He put his hand over mine and gave me a surprisingly sincere smile. “I dunno about that, but I’m glad you think so.”
“I mean it, Scott.” I felt my blush deepen as I glanced down at our hands. It was a risky move to even be that affectionate in public, but right then, I didn’t really care. “I know this is all… just stupidly complicated right now… but I really think this could be the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.”
“Same here,” Scott replied, his eyes so full of love that it took my breath away. It was fleeting, but it was maybe the most unguarded I had ever seen him. He glanced down and mumbled, “What about… Natalie?”
Natalie? Did Scott honestly think that the marriage I hadn’t ever wanted was comparable at all to what he and I shared? “Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. But that’s… that’s all it is. That’s all there is between us. We’ve made it work, more or less, but it’s not what I ever wanted. And I don’t think it’s what she wanted either, if she were being honest.”
Scott nodded slowly, clearly taking his time to process my words. The hand that wasn’t covering mine ducked under the table, and I would have made a lewd joke about just what he was doing under there if he hadn’t had such a serious expression on his face.
“You know I love you, right?” He asked.
“Of course… I love you, too.” What sort of question was that? After everything, how could he still be so unsure, so convinced he couldn’t possibly deserve this? As though I did?
“I mean it, though. We have our fun and shit, but like… that’s just a part of it. Yeah, it’s how we started, and it’s always gonna be a major part of who we are together. But… we’re more than that. Right?”
“Well, yeah,” I replied, my brain going a million miles an hour trying to keep up with Scott’s train of thought. It was almost enough to make me dizzy. “I mean… I wouldn’t be me, and you wouldn’t be you without that. To some degree, anyway. But it’s not the full picture–of either of us.”
Scott let out a breath and began to smile again. With a nod, he said, “Okay, so… I got you another present.”
“Okay…” I tilted my head at him. Where was he going with this? Surely he hadn’t bought a collar without consulting with me first. That was too big of a step for him to decide upon without my input. No, it couldn’t have been anything like that, I reasoned.
“You don’t gotta do anything with it yet. Just… just hang onto it for now, okay?”
“O… kay.” On the other hand, maybe it was something like that. But that was ridiculous. Even with the bond we shared, after just two months, he couldn’t possibly be ready for…
His cheeks were an unusual–for him–shade of deep pink as he finally took his hand from underneath the table and placed it on the surface. When he pulled his hand away again, a small black box was left sitting on the tablecloth.
“Scott,” I said, smiling in spite of myself. “That’s not… it’s not. Right?”
He glanced up at me through his eyelashes, his emotions almost impossible to read. “Like I said, I’m not expecting anything right now.”
Without a word, I placed a finger on the box and inched it closer to me. I flipped it open, part of me hoping I had misjudged entirely, but knowing that I hadn’t. Sure enough, it was exactly what I had known it would be. On a bed of red velvet rested a polished black band with a line of shimmering red running through it. It was stunning, yet somehow understated.
Scott fidgeted in his seat, running a hand through his hair. “And if it’s not… not what you want, just…”
He trailed off in a frustrated huff, and it was absolutely adorable. I couldn’t resist leaving him hanging a bit, though; it was so rare for me to have the upper hand with him that I wanted to milk it for all it was worth. I lifted the ring out of its place and twirled it between my fingers. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Scott growing more and more impatient, and I knew I was being a little cruel.
“Please don’t,” I said. “It’s perfect. You’re perfect.”
“Read the inside,” he replied, the barest hint of a smile crossing his face.
I held it closer so that I could see the inside in the restaurant’s low light. My smile grew as I read the single word inscribed inside the band. “Mine.”
Scott returned my smile, but there was still a hint of something else in his expression, something almost like nervousness. I wouldn’t have thought that was even possible if I weren’t seeing it with my own eyes.
“I am, you know,” I replied. “So I don’t know why you thought I wouldn’t be happy with this. But I… I mean, is it alright if I keep it on a chain for now? Around my neck? It doesn’t mean it means any less to me.”
To my relief, Scott nodded. “You don’t have to wear it at all yet if you don’t want to. But… I’d like it if you did.”
“I want to, I do. I just… well, you know, I’ve got a lot to sort out. But I don’t want you to think… like, I don’t want it or something. I want to wear it. For you.”
Scott stared at me for a moment, seeming to search for something in my eyes. I didn’t know what he was looking for or what he would find, but I hoped he understood that I wasn’t turning him down, if this really was a proposal. It would have been easier, in a way, if what we did was just a game, but it wasn’t. At some point, I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back to my normal life and leave Scott behind. I already didn’t want to.
“Tay?” He finally breathed out.
“Yes, Scott?”
“Marry me.” There was a hint of a smile on his lips, but his voice was all Dom.
“Is that an order?” I couldn’t resist grinning as I asked. He might punish me for it later, but I didn’t care.
Scott raised an eyebrow, but remained silent.
“Yes, Scott. Of course… Master.”
His smile turned into something of a smirk at that, but there was love in his eyes. I realized then just how much Scott was laying on the line. He still truly didn’t believe he deserved this.
“Did you really think I would say no?” I asked softly. “Actually, don’t answer that.”
He let out a soft chuckle, then glanced down and pulled a necklace above the collar of the shirt. A matching ring hung from the chain. “I, uh… hoped I wasn’t jinxing anything…”
“Does… does it have an inscription, too?” I smiled.
He nodded and leaned across the table, holding the ring out so that I could read it. Yours. Of course. I should have guessed.
“Well, it turns out you can be cheesier. And I love it. And you.”
“You know I am, though… sweetheart.” His smile turned into something closer to a smirk, and I couldn’t help remembering how he’d called me that the very night we met. It was meant to fuck with me then, of course. To get under my skin. I don’t think either of us could have predicted how much he really would.
“I know,” I replied, placing my hand over Scott’s, which was tapping nervously against the table. “And thank you so much… tonight, this whole trip, it’s all been perfect.”
“Night’s not over yet. I know we’ve hand our kinky fun, but tonight… I wanna give you what you really deserve.”
“Mmm, and what’s that?” I asked, not even fighting the urge to smirk. “Because I was about to order dessert, but if you’ve got something better in mind…”
Scott leaned across the table to whisper in my ear. “I wanna make love to you.”
I grinned, my cheeks so warm that I was sure my blush could be seen all the way across the restaurant. “Who needs dessert?”
Scott waved for the check, grinning from ear to ear.
I could only imagine the relief he felt, and I wished there was something I could do to acknowledge what a risk he had taken. Sure, this only made things more complicated, but there was no way to avoid that. If we weren’t both committed to this, what was the point?
I had fooled around enough to know that you always get caught. Never before had it been worth the fallout. Between the wife I didn’t deserve and the desperate boys who swore they weren’t really gay, I would always choose Natalie. It was always easier to go back home to her and beg forgiveness, because I never loved any of the rest of them either. I had loved Alex, and of course I loved Zac in ways I shouldn’t have, but no one else had ever given me anything that made me feel both alive and like I couldn’t live without them. No one else had ever made me want to give up the safety net and cling to them instead.
On the surface, it might not have seemed as though Scott had so much to lose. But I knew that from where he sat, everything he had ever loved–his family, his music–had forsaken him. To put his heart on the line was the biggest risk of all for Scott. I hoped he knew that I understood that, and I wasn’t taking it lightly.
There was just too much at stake for either of us to put it all on the line for someone who wasn’t in love, someone who wasn’t committed. This wasn’t just a game; it couldn’t be. With two rings and an unconventional proposal, Scott had proven his commitment to me, and I hoped that in time I could prove mine to him.