Dec. 9, 2013. Tour bus somewhere outside of Cardiff, Wales.
Zac
The next few days were better than most of the tour, for a number of reasons. I started hanging out with Taylor again; there were still awkward moments now and then, but we would watch a movie together, or go get pre-show lunch, or just sit and talk about whatever was on our minds. It felt good to have my best friend back.
I wanted to call Lily, but I was nervous. After what Tay had said, I started to consider just how much I really did like her. She’d agreed to have me come over as a “date”, but that was just part of the game. Wasn’t it?
And even if I did like her, what did that matter? I got the sense she possibly liked me too, but how could I know how much of that was real, if any of it even was? There was so little I actually knew about her as a person. And I’d withheld so much about my own life, too. Out of necessity, of course, but how could she like me if she didn’t even really know me?
It didn’t really matter, I decided. For now, things were good. Anything more serious could wait until after the tour anyway. So a few nights later I settled into my domain at the back of the bus and dialed her number.
“Hello Zac.”
“Evening, beautiful.” I couldn’t keep myself from grinning as soon as I heard her voice and even more at her soft chuckle.
“Well someone’s in a good mood.”
“Yup. How are you?”
“A bit tired, but I can’t really complain.”
“Working hard?” I asked. The words left a bad taste in my mouth as soon as I said them.
“Something like that. Not the way you’re thinking,” she added.
“Oh I wasn’t… I didn’t mean…” I was and I did, but I didn’t want her to think that was all I thought about with her.
“I don’t like to discuss my other customers, anyway. But no, it was a long day at my regular office. The boring one.”
“Sorry to hear that.” As I said it, I realized I really was sorry. I would’ve have asked either way, but it struck me that I really did care how her day was.
“It’s fine. I’ve got my tea and a good book, so like I said, I can’t complain now.”
“That’s good,” I said, my smile returning. “What book is it?”
“Pride and Prejudice, for probably the hundredth time. It’s my favorite.”
“I love that one.”
“Wouldn’t have figured you for a romance fan.”
“I’m just full of surprises.” My mom had made me read it the first time, for an English assignment, but something about it had just struck me as so elegant and poetic. I rarely told anyone, but I had a worn-out, dog-eared copy that I always took with me on tour. I decided to pull it out and read a bit after our call.
“Indeed you are,” she said, her light laugh making me grin again.
“Hopefully good ones?”
“I’ve got no complaints so far. So, how are you tonight?”
“Good, we had a great show tonight.”
“That’s good. Leave ’em crying in the aisles?”
“I wouldn’t say crying exactly,” I said with a chuckle. There were plenty of times when someone in the front row would just be too overwhelmed, but I hadn’t noticed any of that at this show.
“Weeping?” She said, her time turning playful. “Sobbing? Or just… screaming for you?”
“Screaming. Always screaming.” It never ceases to amaze me, and frankly make me more than a little nervous, just how loud or audience could get. Our 140 decibel crowd from a show in Canada when we were first starting out was a thing of legend to this day.
“I bet,” she said, laughing again.
“And panting,” I said, lowering my voice. “And sweating…”
“I bet. I’m sure they all left… satisfied.”
“Not quite. Always gotta leave them wanting more.”
“Tease.” She chuckled.
“Takes one to know one,” I fired back.
“Fair enough. Just tell me you at least got out from behind the drums. It’s a shame to hide yourself back there.”
“Yeah, I played guitar for my solo. Little quiet time, little more… intimate.”
“Intimate?” she laughed. “In a building full of screaming women who want you?”
“Oh they don’t all want me. There’s two other guys.” Sure the split was anything but even, but each of us had our own little mini-fanclubs.
“So maybe they don’t all want you. It wouldn’t be nice not to leave a few groupies for the others, hmm?”
“They’ve got plenty, trust me,” I laughed. “Especially the pianist.”
“I’ve always preferred drummers,” she said softly, and I felt my cheeks heat up.
“That so? They say drummers do it better…”
“Do they really?”
“Mhm. All about rhythm.”
“Oh of course, that makes sense.” She gave a little laugh, but her voice was a little breathy, and I had to bite my lip.
“Plenty of practice banging things.”
That earned me a snort, the sexual mood gone. “Oh, you’re awful.”
“Aw, I thought that was funny.” I smiled, even through my fake attempt at offense.
“That was horrible. You’re just lucky I love a bad joke.”
“Well then I’m the man for you,” I replied.
“You certainly are… entertaining.”
“That almost sounded like an insult,” I said after a moment. I knew she hadn’t meant it as one, or at least I hoped not.
“No, it wasn’t. Honestly.” Her smile came through in her voice, and I believed her.
“I love your laugh.” I hadn’t exactly meant to blurt that out, but it was true. Her laugh, and her voice in general, was like music. Like soft jazz, sultry and smooth, but with a playful edge.
“Thank you, Zac.” She gave one last chuckle, then cleared her throat. When she spoke again, she was definitely in Mistress mode. “So, Zac, have you been good?”
“Yes Mistress,” I said, unable to wipe the grin from my face.
“That’s good. No touching yourself? And you’ve been nice to everyone?”
“Mhm. I even made up with… him. We’re on our way back to being friends; it’s good.” I wished I could tell her just how much it meant to me, her help in pushing me to make amends with Taylor.
“That is good. I know it can be tough being friends with someone when you have… a history.”
“Yeah. But I don’t wanna lose him, either.”
“Of course not. I can tell he still means a lot to you. And I’m sure you do to him as well.”
“I think so. I hope so, anyway. But he’s happy.” It still hurt, thinking of Taylor being so happy with Scott. But it was obvious that he was, moreso than he had been with Natalie in years, if ever.
“It’s possible for him to be happy with someone else and still care about you, you know.”
“Yeah, I do know.”
“Zac,” she said, her voice softer. “i know that knowing that and really understanding it isn’t the same thing. It’s hard to be happy when someone you love is with someone else.”
“Yeah. But when you find someone new to care about, someone that feels the same, you can almost forget you were ever hurt at all.” I was treading thin ice with that statement, but it was true enough, whether it applied to us or not.
“I… I suppose so,” she said carefully, and I knew she could tell what I was getting at.
“I missed your voice,” I told her, wanting to see how much she’d let me open up.
“I know,” she sighed. “I missed yours too.”
“You did?” I asked, smiling.
“Of course.”
“You don’t have to tell me what I want to hear, you know.” I hoped my words didn’t sound as bitter to her as they did to me; I really didn’t mean it as any more than exactly what I’d said.
“Who said I was?”
“I can’t wait to see you… Lily.”
“It won’t be long,” she said with a tiny sigh, and I felt a pull in my chest.
“I hope not. I miss your smile.”
“Is that what you miss about me?” She asked, sounding less than convinced.
“Honestly? Yes, that’s the part I miss most.”
“I’d like to see more of your smile.”
“Well you’d see plenty if you could see me now. Talking to you always makes me smile.” Or talking about her, or even thinking about her, but she didn’t need to know all that.
“I’m glad. You should smile more; it’s a good look for you.”
“Thank you, really.”
“You’re welcome.”
We were both quiet for a minute. I thought about our upcoming ‘date’. It was a good plan, but I felt like it was missing something. Suddenly, I got an idea.
“Do you like to dance?” I asked her.
“That’s a bit random, isn’t it? But yes, I do.”
“I’m pretty random. Would you do me the honor of dancing with me?”
“What kind of dancing are we talking here?”
“Whatever kind you’d like,” I told her. Then, I took a breath and added, “As long as I get to hold you.”
“I suppose we could dance,” she said with a little sigh.
“I’d like that. I might sweep you off your feet,” I chuckled.
“So you play three instruments, paint, cook and dance? My, you are talented.”
“I sing, too.”
“Now you’re just showing off.”
“Maybe,” I laughed. “Are you impressed?”
“I might be. I’ll have to see a few of those talents firsthand.”
“Well you’re going to on our date, remember?”
I’d said it. I held my breath, waiting for her to either confirm or deny the label.
“Yes… I am.”
I blinked a couple times, waiting for her to say more, but that was it. But instead of feeling joy at her lack of argument, I just felt… wrong. The reality of the situation crashed down on me all at once. Of course she wasn’t going to say anything; if her client wanted to call a session a date, that didn’t make it one.
“I know it’s not really a date,” I told her with a heavy sigh. “I’m not that delusional.”
“You can call it whatever you like, Zac,” she said with a sigh of her own, but all I heard was that I had been right. She was just playing the game, and I was an idiot.
“Zac?” She said when I went silent for a few seconds.
“Yeah?”
“Is… everything okay?”
“Yeah.” I wished I could take back the whole thing, but of course I couldn’t. “We can just forget it if you want. I know you’d probably prefer your book and your tea.”
“Forget about… our date?” she said, and I let out a derisive snort. “Zac… I want to see you. Whatever we call it, I want you to come see me again.”
I picked over her words, trying to wrap my head around what they could mean.
“You do?”
“Of course I do. I’m still not sick of you,” she added, a smile in her tone.
I wanted so badly to believe it was real, but I just couldn’t. I heaved a sigh and closed my eyes.
“You’re not gonna lose me as a customer, so you don’t need to humor me.”
“I’m not humoring you.”
“You’re not?” I couldn’t keep my voice from shaking a little. Was it possible that she really was starting to think of me as just a person? One she could come to care about?
“No. I’m not.” Her voice held the same tremble mine had, and I felt my stomach flip.
“Lily…”
“Yes, Zac?”
“What if…” The word were on the top of my tongue, but I was scared, so scared of sticking my foot in my mouth.
“What if what?” If I didn’t know better, I would’ve said she sounded every bit as nervous as I felt.
I squeezed my eyes shut and swallowed past the fear. “What if I wasn’t your customer?”
Silence hung thick between us. The seconds ticked by, each one another nail in my emotional coffin.
“I’m sorry, forget I asked.”
“I’m… I’m not sure what you’re asking me.”
“Just forget it. Stupid question.”
“…Okay,” She said, and let out a long breath. At least she hadn’t rejected me, and I supposed that was better than nothing.
“Can we still have our… our date?” I asked, hoping I wasn’t pushing too far.
“Of course we can.”
“Good. I… I’m really looking forward to it.”
“I… I am too.”
I felt physically exhausted from the emotional whiplash. I’d risked so much, speaking my feelings like that. I didn’t even fully understand what those feelings were, but it was impossible to deny anymore that they were there. I didn’t know if Lily feel the same or not. It felt like it, but how could I be sure it wasn’t all just a game? Only one thing I knew for sure. I had to see her again.