November 15, 2013. Brady, Musick and Olsen, CPAs, Tulsa.
Zac
I hate Scott. I hate Taylor. I hate myself. Those were the thoughts running through my head every time I felt a strap of leather, or sharp nails, or sharper teeth, biting into my skin. Ever since that final night I had been going to every club, bordello and bar I could find that catered to guys like me–guys who need their demons beaten out of them. It was more than a little intimidating the first time, and I almost chickened out. But when my cab pulled up outside the hotel, I hopped in and rattled off the address I’d found online. Some irrational part of me thought he would know what it was, and what I was up to, and was judging me for it.
It wasn’t what I’d expected, but then, I hadn’t really known what to expect. The only experience I had was with my brother and his… lover? Boyfriend? Dom? All of the above, I supposed. But these were complete strangers, and I was putting myself into a situation I knew could easily go very wrong very fast. I didn’t care, though. I knew what I needed now, and how to get it, or at least where to begin. And it was so easy, even more than I’d expected, to find someone willing to step in.
But it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t ever enough. I knew why; one-time encounters don’t work because there isn’t enough time to even find the limits, let alone enough trust to really push them. And I didn’t want to just push them–I wanted to break them. It didn’t take long for me to come to my decision. After the tour was over, I’d hire a permanent Domme, emphasis on the ‘-me’… no more guys. I’d begrudgingly accepted that I was bisexual, but it’d brought me nothing but trouble. Just like every other sick fantasy I’d given in to.
So it was only a short two weeks later, on our mid-tour break, when I found myself sitting in a strangely normal-looking office, waiting for my consultation with Lily. It was a pretty name; not the type you’d expect a professional Dominatrix to have, but I liked it.
As I waited, I thought about how Tay and I had left things at the airport the night before. I’d wanted so badly to believe him, to believe that he really would call in a few hours and we’d go hang out, and everything would be like before. I should’ve known better, and deep in my gut, I had. Anyway, as soon as we got on the plane his lie became obvious. There were at least a dozen empty seats, including the one he’d been supposed to occupy.
I let myself run the gamut of emotions during the flight, one last time of caring, before steeling myself. I actually was almost grateful that he’d ditched me once again. It made my decision that much easier. I was done with him, done being the conscience he didn’t want. He was dragging himself into Hell, but I’d be damned if I let him take me, too.
“Zachary?”
I looked up to see a woman standing in the doorway, looking around the waiting area. I was the only one there, so I stood up, giving her a quick once over as I held out my hand. “Hey.”
“Hello,” she responded simply, her handshake surprisingly firm. “Would you like to come on back and discuss… things?”
I nodded and followed her into the office. It was pretty standard, shelves filled with academic-looking books, an arbitrary potted plant sitting in the corner. The desk was fairly impressive, mahogany from the looks of it.
“Have a seat, please.” She motioned to the chair on my side of the desk, taking place in her own.
“Nice office.” It was, but the comment was more of a pleasantry, and her smile suggested she knew it.
“Thank you. Now, I know we spoke on the phone a little bit about what you want from me, but I’d like to hear it again, in person. And of course, I’ll have a few questions for you.”
I cleared my throat, choosing my words carefully. “I’m looking for someone I can go to on a regular basis. A few times a week. For… “ I paused and cleared my throat again. “Discipline.”
“Of course,” Lily replied, a tiny smirk on her red lips. Apparently she found my nervousness amusing; she reminded me for a moment of Taylor, and I fought the urge to scowl. It wasn’t that she looked anything like him; she was shorter than me, even with the heels she was wearing. Her face was angular, contrasting with the soft curls of her dark hair. Her eyes were green… no, more like grey. Like the sky right before a storm, I realized.
“I think that can definitely be arranged. Now, you haven’t had a Domme before, have you?”
“Female, no,” I answered, and she raised an eyebrow.
“I see. Was that a… professional arrangement, or…”
I looked down, gritting my teeth. “It was personal.”
“I see. But you’re comfortable with something more professional? It’s still a very intense relationship, but in a different way.”
“I think that’d be better,” I said, nodding.
“For many people it is. Now, when you say discipline, can you expand on that a bit? I’ve got a sheet here for you to fill out in detail with your hard limits and whatnot, but I’d like to get a general idea right now of what you’re looking for.”
I took a deep breath before answering. “Pain. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, so I can take a lot. I’m used to belts, straps, stuff like that. Biting and scratching are good too. I need to keep it to the back and chest, though.”
“That can be done. Are there any other types of pain or punishments you’re looking for?”
“I…” I looked down again. It still felt strange to list off my kinks so clinically, but it was easier now than it had been at the start. “I like to be humiliated. Told how bad I am. How wrong the things I’ve thought and done are.”
“I see.” Her eyebrow arched again, and I wasn’t sure why. Surely it wasn’t that uncommon a request. “Humiliation is… certainly within my repertoire. Now,” she paused, clearing her throat lightly. “Bondage. Where do you stand on that? Ropes, chains, cuffs, collars? Any particular likes or dislikes?”
I shrugged off the unwanted familiarity I felt at the mention of collars, and shook my head. “No preferences there. I don’t mind it, but it’s not a necessity.”
“That’s fine. We can discuss it again later if you’d like to try anything like that. Are there any other types of play you’re interested in? Roleplaying or what have you? Roleplaying is very popular.”
“I haven’t tried it. I… I guess I wouldn’t mind.”
She nodded. “Again, we can discuss that later if you decide you want to try it. Now, I assume that in the past, with your previous Dom, there was a… sexual aspect, yes?”
“Yes,” I replied, biting my lip.
“Then I hope you won’t be disappointed that there isn’t one here. Sex with clients is one of my limits, for fairly obvious reasons.”
“Actually, I’d prefer if it didn’t get sexual. It’s…” I bit my lip again, and she leaned forward.
“It’s what, Zachary?” she asked, her voice softening.
“It’s…” I let out a sigh and looked down again. “This is going to sound a little weird but… it’s not something I deserve.”
“You’d be surprised at the strange things I’ve heard. But if this is going to work, there has to be communication.”
“I know.” I nodded, silently thankful she hadn’t pressed the issue. I’m sure she would eventually, but for now I didn’t want to get into it.
“Good. Now, safe words. Have you used a safe word in the past?”
“No.” Taylor had mentioned it, but we’d never really bothered. I didn’t know if he had one with Scott; it wouldn’t surprise me if the answer to that was ‘no’ as well.
“Okay, that’s the one thing that isn’t negotiable. I’m a fan of red light, yellow light, green light. Red, obviously, means stop; yellow means slow down. Easy enough, yes? Now, there are a few more questions with regards to your safety on this little worksheet.” She handed over a clipboard and a pen, and I began filling it out as she went on.
“I’ll need an emergency contact, of course, in case anything goes wrong. I’m sure that’s nothing we need to worry about, but we still want our asses covered,” she chuckled. I smirked, finished filling out the paperwork and handed it back. “Thank you. Now, I think that covers the basics. Do you have any questions for me before we set up our first session?”
“No, I think we’re all set.” I paused, thinking. “Actually…”
“Yes?”
“Well, there is one thing my… Dom… did for me that I’d kind of like to keep if possible.”
“What might that be?” she asked, again with a tiny, slightly patronizing smirk.
“Well, he would set rules… challenges, sort of. Nothing big. Just things I had to follow.”
“That can definitely be arranged.”
“Okay.” I smiled a little; this had gone a lot more smoothly than I’d anticipated.
“Now, shall we schedule your first session? We’ll still be figuring out your limits and such then, of course. And I typically hold the sessions at my home, just for the sake of privacy and comfort.”
“Okay,” I said, nodding. “I have this whole week off, so I’d like to meet at least once. And then I’ll be gone for a few more weeks, but then I’d like to start meeting regularly.”
She took a moment to glance at her computer screen. “Tomorrow night, then? Say, seven o’clock?”
“That works.”
“Wonderful.” She stood up and held her hand out. “It was nice to meet you, Zachary.”
“Just Zac is fine,” I told her, shaking her hand. “It was nice meeting you too.”
I left her office feeling a lot better than I had when I’d come in. I was still a pathetic, broken mess, but at least now I had an outlet. Lily… there was something about her, I couldn’t put my finger on what, but something I liked. Maybe it was how professional and non-judgmental she was, but then that was her job. I still hated Tay and Scott, and I still wasn’t too happy with myself, but something about her sort of… lowered the volume, so to speak. Either way, I was looking forward to our first session.