Dec. 11, 2013. Lynn Lane, Tulsa, OK.
Lily
In just a week, everything I thought I knew about myself had seemed to change. Zac’s phone calls came with more than the weekly regularity I had asked of him, and with each conversation I learned more about both of us.
I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I was determined to maintain at least the thinnest veneer of a professional relationship. Zac had to see through it by this point, but as long as neither of us said anything about it, we could carry on without any fear of it all blowing up in our faces the way I feared a romantic relationship would.
Still, I couldn’t deny, at least to myself, the way I practically longed for his calls. As I settled into bed with a new book on my Kindle, I couldn’t resist checking my phone in case I had missed a call. Sure enough, I had made it only partway into the second chapter when I heard the ringtone.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Lily.”
“Hey, Zac,” I replied, hating how casual I sounded. “How are you?”
“Pretty good,” he said. “The tour’s going great, Europe’s beautiful, but I’m looking forward to coming home.”
“I’ll bet. It’ll be good to be back at home, yeah? Sleeping in your own bed again?”
Zac chuckled. “Yeah, these tour bus bunks aren’t as glamorous as they sound.”
“I can imagine.” What I was imagining, in fact, was Zac desperately trying to get himself off as quietly as possible in one of those bunks. “I’m sure you still have fun on tour, though.”
“Oh yeah, tons. We had this huge Nerf gun battle the other day in the parking lot, with the fans picking sides.”
I laughed loudly. The idea of Zac playing like a child made me glad; he seemed to carry too much weight on his shoulders. If he was taking the opportunity to have fun, that was good. “You weren’t kidding when you said it wasn’t all sex, drugs and rock n roll. That’s cute, though.”
“Yeah, we’re all just big kids, really. We grew up doing this, so I guess we didn’t really ever grow up.”
“Sounds like a fun way to grow up, though,” I replied, chuckling softly.
Zac sighed. “Yes and no.”
“Well, everything has its good and bad points. The grass is always greener and all that.” I couldn’t even imagine a life like Zac’s, in a touring band, but I knew my life wasn’t exactly conventional either. Perhaps we had more in common than I had thought.
“Yeah, I’m not complaining. I’ve got a good life.”
“But you still wonder what it might be like to have a more… normal life?”
“Mhm,” he replied. “But I’ve tried. It didn’t really work out.”
“How so?” I asked. I sat my Kindle aside; this was poised to be a long, heavy conversation, although I wasn’t sure yet what direction it might take.
He gave another heavy sigh. “Can I be totally honest with you?”
“Of course,” I replied automatically. Could he? Should he? But it was too late; I had made my grave.
“I like you,” Zac said almost inaudibly. “A lot.”
“I know that,” I admitted with a sigh of my own.
“I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I know you probably don’t feel the same, but I just needed you to know.”
“Zac, I…” I began. I couldn’t tell him. But I couldn’t lie, either. The words wouldn’t come. Luckily, he had provided a distraction from any confessions I might have made. “What does that have to do with your attempt at a normal life?”
“How much do you know about me?” He asked, and I wondered what that had to do with anything.
“Only what you’ve told me.”
“So, you don’t know anything about who I am?”
“Aside from what you’ve told me?” I asked, more than a little perplexed. “No, I suppose I don’t.”
“Okay, well…” He gave another slight sigh. “My real last name is Hanson.”
“Oh,” I said dully. “I’m guessing it’s not a coincidence that you’re a musician with that last name?”
“No,” he replied, and I could practically hear his smirk at how slow I must have seemed not to have realized his identity. “My name’s Zac Hanson, I’m a drummer, I live in Tulsa…”
“And I wasn’t a fan of… well, that sort of music. I was nearly out of high school when you hit it big; far too mature, cool and goth to be a teenybopper. Not that there’s anything wrong with your music, I’m sure, but you can forgive me for not putting two and two together sooner.”
“No problem,” he replied. His tone going serious again, he said, “But the thing is, I filed for divorce six months ago; we just finished up the paperwork after Thanksgiving.”
“You’re… you were married.” I didn’t know why that shocked me. I’d had married clients before, after all; their marital status was none of my business. In fact, I made it a point to stay out of that aspect of their lives. Yet, knowing what little I did know about Zac, I never would have guessed.
“We were married for seven years. We, uh, we have two kids together. We were already separated long before I started talking to you, but technically… yes. I was married.”
“Okay,” I breathed out, trying to digest everything he had thrown at me so quickly. It felt as though I knew him so intimately, yet there were clearly large, important swathes of his life that were a total mystery to me. “Well, I have… I mean—there’s no rule against… being married.”
He gave another soft sigh. Very softly, he said, “There’s more.”
“More?”
“You have no idea how badly I wish I didn’t have to tell you.” His tone of voice made my heart feel like it was breaking. I knew that just being famous didn’t mean his life was perfect, but what could possibly be so bad as to make him sound like that?
“You don’t have to tell me anything,” I said as reassuringly as I could manage, “but I do appreciate your honesty.”
“I’ll understand if I don’t hear from you again after this.”
“You know I’m not the judgmental type, Zac.”
He snorted. “Just wait.”
“Alright. I’m waiting.” My tone was just this side of my professional voice; I wasn’t sure how much more I could take of his beating around the bush. Whatever it was, he clearly needed to get it off his chest.
“The guy I wanted… that I couldn’t have…” Zac said softly. “The fact that he’s a guy was the least of our problems.”
“Okay…” I replied, not quite sure I was following. I already knew his Dom was married and having another affair; I didn’t even know the guy, but if I’d had a shitlist, he would have been a strong candidate for it.
“Taylor,” Zac said, his voice so soft I wasn’t sure I had heard him at all, let alone correctly.
“That’s… isn’t that your brother’s name?” Why had I even known that? I wasn’t a Hanson fan; that hadn’t been a lie at all. But every teenage girl in the world had noticed Taylor Hanson and his strange, inhuman sort of beauty. Zac had clearly grown into his own looks, but they were more understated than his ethereal, androgynous teenager brother’s had been.
“Yes,” he replied weakly, and I was sure the word was accompanied by a sniffle.
“Oh, Zac…” I said, and he only sniffled again. “Well, I can certainly understand why you were so worried about… not wanting to lose him…”
“Yeah…”
“Is that why you were—forgive the pun—beating yourself up? When you came to me?” The answer to that was quite obvious, but I still felt the need to ask. The more I asked and got him to talk, the less I would need to think and actually process what he had told me.
“Yes.”
“Well, that… that makes a bit more sense, now. I wondered why you seemed so ashamed of what you wanted. Not that that in itself is unusual for my clients, but your situation… seemed different.”
His only response to that was a snort.
“You don’t have to worry about not hearing from me again, Zac.”
“I… I don’t?” He asked, and I had to admit I was a little surprised by that, too.
Why wasn’t I running in fear? Perhaps I should have been. If nothing else, I owed it to him as a client to listen to whatever he had to say without judgment or fear that I would breach the confidentiality agreement I had with all my clients. But even with that contract in place, he had to wonder if I would blab to the world that little Zac Hanson was in love with his brother. I wouldn’t, of course, and I hoped deep down he knew that. The fact that he trusted me enough to tell me at all… somehow, it made me want to do the exact opposite of run away.
“Of course not,” I said softly. “I told you, I am not the judgmental type. You’re safe with me, Zac. I promise.”
“Thank you,” he replied, the words coming out in a sigh of relief.
“You’re welcome,” I said. “Obviously it wasn’t the… healthiest relationship, but… you love him. That much is obvious, and I can’t judge that.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not going to happen again. And I’m okay with that. He has Scott, and he’s happy.”
“As I said the last time we talked, I know it’s hard to be happy for someone you love when they’re with someone new. But sometimes it is for the best.”
“Yeah…”
“Can I… can I ask how that happened?” I asked, instantly hating myself for how nosy that had sounded. “I mean, how did that relationship develop? I’m sorry; you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want.”
“No, it’s okay,” Zac replied. He fell silent for a moment, before speaking again. “I guess I fell for him pretty young. I think I looked up to him so much that it just kind of morphed into something more.”
“That’s… that’s understandable, I suppose.” And in a way, it was. I didn’t know what I had expected.
“But nothing ever happened until I found out about him and Scott. I asked him about their… relationship, and suddenly everything I’d wanted, the little secret desires I kept to myself, made sense.”
“You’d never… had that sort of relationship before? The Dom/sub thing?”
“No,” Zac replied. “My ex-wife is kind of a prude.”
“Oh,” I said. I didn’t know why that, of all things, surprised me, but I supposed it made sense if they had gotten together so young. Zac was several years younger than me, so he must have been married early, with little time to explore his sexuality and desires. “And she wasn’t interested in… giving you what you needed?”
“Not even close,” he replied with a snort.
“That’s unfortunate.”
“We met when I was fifteen. She was only my second real girlfriend.”
“And you married her?” I asked dumbly. “Obviously you did. I mean, I’m not judging your choices, but it seems like perhaps you… settled down too soon?”
“Taylor got married when he was nineteen,” Zac replied. “He had to, she was pregnant, but still. I just felt like it was time to start that whole ‘normal life’ thing.”
“And you were how old when you decided this?”
“Twenty.”
“Wow… that’s still rather young.” I didn’t want to even think about getting married at that age. Knowing what my life was like then… well, it didn’t bear thinking about.
“Not for our family,” Zac replied. “Our parents were high school sweethearts. They got hitched the summer after their first year of college.”
“Oh, I see…” I replied. Of course, that was a different time, but it could still set expectations for their kids. I was acutely aware that still being single at thirty-three defied quite a few of my parents’ expectations for me. “Well, just because it worked for them doesn’t mean it was right for you.”
“I guess not, since we’re split up now,” he replied blandly.
“Better to split up than stay in a relationship that isn’t working, though.”
“That’s what I believe,” Zac replied. After a beat, he added, “Even if my parents might not agree.”
“They didn’t approve of the divorce, I suppose?”
“No,” he said, “but they understood that it’s my life and my decision.”
“Well, that’s good. That they understood.” It was little consolation, I was sure. Any sort of big change like that, especially if your family had one perception of your life… it was tough. Nearly impossible to make, in fact. I knew that all too well, but my mouth went dry at the thought of trying to explain to Zac how well I understood.
“Yeah…” He heaved a deep, but I thought relieved, sigh. “So… now you know.”
“Yes, I suppose I do.”
“I didn’t want to tell you,” Zac said. Softly, he added, “I didn’t want to lose you.”
“You’re not going to lose me, Zac,” I replied. I wondered if he knew how true that was, how deeply into his life I had become intertwined. “I’m glad that I… that I know you a little better now.”
“Lily, I…” He began, and I practically trembled at the thought of what might follow those words.
“Yes, Zac?”
“I want to see you when I get home.”
“Of course,” I said, letting out a small breath of relief. “I’d… I want to see you, too.”
“No, I don’t mean like a session. I want… I want it to be a date. I don’t want to be a customer anymore.”
And there it was. The other shoe finally dropped. I knew there was no going back, and yet I still had to ask, still had to give him one last chance to get away. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”
“Yes,” Zac replied firmly. “Lily, I like you so much more than I should. I know that. I can’t stop thinking about you, about your smile, about the way you make me feel better about, well, everything.”
“I… I can’t stop thinking about you, either.” My voice was shaking so much that I wasn’t sure he would even be able to understand what I had said. But it was done. I had admitted it, and there was no going back.
“Do you mean that?”
“I do.”
“Can I see you, Lily?”
“Yes… you can.” He could do anything he wanted if he kept saying my name like that, but I didn’t dare tell him that. I didn’t dare give him that much power over me. I heard him sniffle softly, and the last little unbroken bit of my heart shattered. “Can we still stick to the original plan? You’ll cook dinner and paint me? I think I’d really enjoy that.”
“Of course,” Zac replied. “I’d love to.”
“Good,” I said. I realized with something of a start that I was smiling—a true, genuine smile that was so big it actually hurt. Yet, it was a huge relief, too. Admitting how I felt was scary, but it was a weight off my shoulders. The complications that could and most certainly would follow this revelation… well, for a moment, I wasn’t worried about them.
“This week can’t go by fast enough,” Zac remarked.
“I—I started to order you to come see me the day after you get back.” I chuckled at myself. This was going to be a change, alright, but I had to figure out how to navigate it if this was what I wanted—and it truly, truly was. “I’d still love that, but… it’s up to you, I suppose.”
“Like I said before, I’ll be there that night if you want me.”
“I know,” I replied. “Go home and get a little rest first, though.”
“As you wish.”
I chuckled again, then sighed. “I really… Honestly, I can’t wait to see you, Zac.”
“I can’t wait to see you either, Lily.” After a slight pause, he added softly, “Such a beautiful name.”
I smiled, even though he couldn’t see it. “Thank you.”
“I’ll let you get some rest now,” Zac said. “I’ll see you soon.”
“Okay,” I replied. “Goodnight, Zac.”
“Sweet dreams, Lily.”
I ended the call and placed the phone on my nightstand. I glanced at my Kindle, but suddenly the tacky romance I had downloaded held no interest for me at all. My own life was turning into something even more ridiculous than the premises of those novels, and I didn’t mind the change one bit.