Dec. 6, 2013. Brady, Musick and Olsen, CPAs, Tulsa.
Lily
It had been a long day at work, and I was more than ready to go home. Unfortunately, I still had paperwork to finish up that had been pushed aside thanks to a meeting with a new potential client.
Said potential client had pinged my creep meter, and was clearly interested in a more sexual relationship than I could allow. He seemed to take no for an answer, at least, so after washing my hands thoroughly, I was ready to file some back taxes for my other clients, and hurry home for a long soak with a good book.
Sex with clients was something I tried to draw a really hard line on, although it would be a lie to say I hadn’t engaged in some sexual contact in professional settings. Still, allowing money to change hands for that would take me from Domme to something the state of Oklahoma would definitely consider illegal. It just wasn’t a risk worth taking, even leaving aside the testing and level of trust required.
Yet I couldn’t stop thinking about what it would feel like to let Zac take me to bed. For the past week, he had occupied an increasingly larger corner of my mind, drifting to the forefront at some of the least opportune moments.
What Zac and I had talked about crossed every boundary I had tried so hard to maintain, and I hoped he knew that it couldn’t really happen. I dreaded the thought of trying to explain to him that I had essentially lead him on, not only because I knew he wouldn’t take it well, but because I feared having to admit that I truly did want him.
And so it seemed my only option was to take a flying leap over the line and violate that primary rule of professional Dommes. It made me horrible at my job to even consider having sex with him, but it made me worse than scum to consider taking his money for it. Yet… if I told him not to pay, he would realize this was more to me than just a session with a client.
Why it scared me so much to consider the possibility of more… well, there were a multitude of reasons, few of which I cared to discuss with someone I had only known for less than a month. That fact alone was a good enough reason not to consider letting him past my walls, but knowing that wasn’t much help.
I was a bit surprised when my cell phone rang; I hadn’t set a specific ringtone for Zac, but I was sure it was him, even though it was earlier than I had expected to hear from him again. Sure enough, when I tracked it down under a pile of paperwork, the screen revealed his name—Zachary Walker.
I swiped the screen to answer it. “Hello?”
“Hello, Mistress.”
“Well, hello to you, too.”
I heard a bit of shuffling around and a door closing. “Just thought I’d check in. Is this an okay time?”
“Of course,” I replied. I was glad for any distraction, and the files could wait. “We can talk now.”
“I missed you,” he said softly.
I sighed. I had to keep things strictly business this time; anything else wasn’t an option, and Zac should have known that. “Are you being good for me?”
“Yes, Mistress,” Zac replied. “No bad thoughts; no touching.”
“No bad thoughts at all, hmm? That’s some impressive willpower.”
“Yes, Mistress,” he repeated. “It hasn’t been easy, but I have to be good.”
I collapsed into my desk chair, suspecting this wasn’t going to be a quick check in. “Do you now? I thought you enjoyed earning your punishments.”
His voice low, he replied, “I’d much prefer the reward you promised.”
“Yes, I suppose you would.” Of course he would. So would I. But under no circumstances could he know that, as much as he might already suspect. He wasn’t an idiot; he knew what I had done during our previous phone call.
“The chance to please you for as long as I can?” Zac asked. “Well worth a little discomfort.”
“Such a willing and eager little slave now… I suppose it was just a matter of finding the proper motivation, hmm?”
“Yes, Mistress.” The words made my heart flutter, and I couldn’t even begin to explain why. They certainly never had before, no matter which client delivered them.
“And you’ve really been good? You can’t blame me for finding that hard to believe.”
“I know, Mistress, but I have.” Zac paused and chuckled lightly. “I’ve had to take a few more cold showers than I’d like, but whatever works.”
I laughed. “I thought it would be a bit of a challenge for you.”
“Oh, it is,” Zac replied. “I think my bandmates are starting to notice something’s up. I’ve been a
little… edgy.”
“Oh, dear. I hope you’ve been nice to them.”
“I’m trying. It’s just, well, it’s hard not to be moody when I can’t… you know.”
“Touch yourself?” I asked softly.
“Yes, Mistress.”
“Well, you’ll just have to try harder to be nice and not so moody, won’t you?” This wasn’t so hard. I could play this part; it was my job, after all.
“Yes, Mistress,” Zac said. “If that’s what you want me to do to earn my reward, then that’s what I’ll do.”
I sighed. He just had to mention that again, didn’t he? “I said you had to be a very, very good boy to earn that, didn’t I? That means being nice, and not just to me.”
“Yes, Mistress, I understand.”
“Good,” I replied. “Obviously, I’ll have to take your word for it, but you wouldn’t lie to Mistress, would you?”
“No, Mistress. I promise I will never lie to you.” Softly, he added, “That goes for Lily, too.”
“Good,” I replied weakly. Just when I thought this was just a game, he had to say something like that, something that made me doubt everything I thought I knew and felt.
“It’s good to hear your voice,” he said. “I wish I could have called sooner, but work keeps me pretty busy.”
“I understand,” I replied. “I’m just glad you did call. I know it must be tough to be so far away.”
“It is,” Zac said. “I wish I could see you.”
“It won’t be that much longer,” I replied. And I certainly wasn’t counting the days or anything.
“I can hardly wait.”
“I know,” I said. I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t wait, either. “You’ll come see me as soon as you get back, right?”
“I’ll come straight from the airport if you want me to.”
“I don’t know if that’s necessary,” I replied.
“Maybe not… but would you want me to?”
Damn him. Damn him to hell. “Mmm, no… I want you rested up, and clean.”
“As you wish,” Zac replied, and the hint of sadness in his voice was clear enough. After a pause and what I thought was a slight sigh, he asked, “Can I ask you something?”
“I can’t guarantee I’ll answer.”
“What makes you happy?” He asked. Quickly, he added, “In general, I mean.”
“Oh…” I replied, rather relieved that it really was a simple, fairly innocent question. I didn’t doubt that Zac still had ulterior motives, but as long as he kept things g-rated, I was willing to humor him. “You might be surprised how boring I am, actually. There are few things I love more than a good book and a nice cup of tea.”
“That sounds really nice,” he replied. “I love to read.”
“Oh? I would have thought that might sound dull to a rockstar like you.”
He laughed. “It’s not all sex, drugs and rock n’ roll. I’m pretty boring myself. I like to curl up with a good book, too, or hole up in my studio painting.”
“You paint?” I asked. I didn’t know why that surprised me; Zac seemed rather like the sensitive type. I was sure he would roll his eyes if I told him that, though—unless he thought being sensitive would impress me.
“Just for fun, but yeah,” he replied, his tone surprisingly casual, not bragging at all. “Acrylics, mostly. But sometimes I’ll do a watercolor.”
“Well, you really are multi-talented, aren’t you?”
“I guess so,” Zac said, sounding a bit prouder. “Maybe I could paint something for you sometime.”
“I think I’d like that.” Perhaps that was more honest than I meant to be, but I couldn’t stop myself.
“Anything you’d like,” he said softly. “Maybe… maybe I could even paint you? I’m not the best at portraits, but you’d be plenty… inspiring.”
“Hmm, maybe,” I replied. “That might be nice.”
“Would that please you, Mistress? Being my muse?”
When he put it that way, it didn’t just please me. It turned me into a useless puddle of goo on the floor. Composing myself a bit, I replied, “Yes… yes, I think I would enjoy that.”
“I think I would too, Lily.” There was just enough emphasis on my name that I knew he was trying to make a point, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what that point was. It was a personal touch, of that I was sure.
“Good,” I replied. “Perhaps we can do that sometime.”
“It would be easier if you came to my studio,” Zac said. “I could even… make you dinner?”
“Now, I don’t know about that…” I replied, keeping my tone purposefully light and playful. There was no way Zac didn’t realize he was asking me on a date. How could he think that was appropriate at all?
“Isn’t it a slave’s job to tend to his Mistress’s every need?”
“Yes, yes it is,” I sighed out. “But surely we have everything we need for you to serve me at my house.”
“Fair enough.” Zac’s tone said he considered this a victory, although it was little more than a concession on my part. “I’ll bring my painting supplies next time, and maybe a bottle of wine. A muse is at her best when she’s… relaxed.”
“Now, Zac,” I replied, chuckling as casually as I could manage. “I know you wouldn’t try to get your Mistress drunk. That wouldn’t be very nice.”
“Of course not. I’d never do such a thing,” he said quickly.
“Good,” I replied sternly. “That would be very bad. You certainly wouldn’t earn any rewards that way.”
“Yes, Mistress. No wine, then.” After a short pause, he asked, “Is there anything else I could do to please you? A massage, maybe?”
“I think dinner and a painting will be enough.”
“It’s a date, then.”
I should have corrected him. I knew I should have. But all I could manage to say was, “Well, don’t forget, I do still owe you some punishment as well.”
“Yes, Mistress,” Zac replied, but there was a slight teasing tone to his words that I didn’t like.
“Is there anything… special that you’ll need? For the painting or for dinner, I mean?”
“Well, I guess that all depends on what you’d like.”
“I’m sure we can set up a makeshift studio in the playroom. As for the dinner, I keep my kitchen stocked pretty well, so unless you’re planning something really fancy…” I knew it was sounding more and more like a real date, but I had to tell myself it was still just part of the game. If Zac wanted domestic roleplay, I could manage that. Something told me that wasn’t exactly what he wanted, but I chose to ignore that little voice.
He chuckled. “I’m good, but I’m not that good.”
“If there’s anything you need that you can’t bring along, just let me know and I’ll take care of it.”
“Okay, I’ll let you know,” Zac replied. “Is there anything in particular you’d like me to serve you? Any favorites?”
“Well, I do enjoy pasta,” I said. “Any sort of Italian dish is good. But feel free to surprise me.”
“Alright, I think I can do that.”
“I’m sure you can,” I replied. I was also sure he was bragging and trying to impress me, but I didn’t often use one of my clients as a domestic slave. It might be a nice change.
“I’m really looking forward to this,” Zac said softly.
I resisted the urge to say. He was really making this difficult for me, and I was sure he knew it. Finally, I replied as honestly as I could, “It’ll be good to see you again.”
“It’ll be good to see you, too,” Zac said. He gave a soft sigh. “I know this is supposed to be professional, but…”
“But what?” I asked before I could stop myself.
Softly, he replied, “I like talking to you. I like seeing you. I like thinking about you—not just in the naughty sense.”
“I know, Zac,” I replied, chuckling softly. I wondered if he had any idea how sweet he was, how innocent he sounded. It made my heart threaten to melt, and all I could reply was, “I’m glad that I can… give you what you need.”
“You really do, though,” Zac said, “even if I didn’t really know what it was I needed.”
“Well… I’m glad,” I replied. This was so close to dangerous territory, so close to revealing far more than I wanted him to know, but it also somehow felt like a breakthrough for Zac.
He sighed. “Kinda pathetic, isn’t it? Rock star, surrounded by people, who just needed someone to talk to?”
“You can be alone even when you’re surrounded by people, though. Sometimes even more so then.”
“Yeah…” Zac sighed again, and I was sure there was more he wanted to say, but perhaps he didn’t even know where to begin. Once again, the line between Domme and therapist was blurring, like so many other lines we had crossed.
“Zac, if you… if you need to call more than that once a week we agreed upon, you can.”
“I don’t want to bother you,” he replied. “I know I’m just another customer.”
“It’s no bother, Zac.” I didn’t dare respond to the second half of that statement. He truly wasn’t just another customer, but if I told him that… well, if I told him that, I might as well quit my job right then and there.
“You’re sweet to say that.”
“I mean it,” I replied as emphatically as I could muster. I didn’t think he was baiting me, trying to make me say something I wasn’t ready for, but it was a possibility.
“You’re not sick of me yet?”
I chuckled. “Of course not.”
“Good. I’d hate to lose you.”
And just like that, he broke my heart. It didn’t matter that we had crossed nearly every possible line, it didn’t matter that I still wasn’t entirely surely I wasn’t leading him on, it didn’t even matter that he might have been falling for me harder than any client ever had. All that mattered was that he know that he truly did mean something to me, too. Softly, I replied, “I’m not going anywhere, Zac. I promise.”
“Promise, hmm?”
“Mhm,” I replied. “That’s what I said.”
“I think I like that.”
“Good,” I said. It was more than good. It was good and bad and possibly the strangest, most intense thing I had ever felt all at once.
“Well, I’ll stop bugging you for tonight,” Zac said, giving a soft laugh, one that might have almost been a giggle.
I laughed in return. “You’re not bugging me, but alright, if you want to go. An early night for you? Gotta get your beauty sleep, hmm?”
He snorted. “I think I’d have to sleep for a week.”
“Oh Zac. Don’t be so modest.” He was definitely fishing for compliments now, and I was buying it hook, line and sinker. And I didn’t even care.
“Again, you’re sweet.”
“Go to sleep, Zac,” I replied teasingly. “Don’t want to disappoint your fans tomorrow.”
“Okay…” he replied. The line went so quiet that I thought he had hung up, until I heard, “Hey, Lily?”
“Yes?”
“Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Zac.”
I hung up my phone and placed it back into my purse. Zac was going to be the death of me; I was sure of that now. I could have told myself it was just sexual, but it was clear now that even that was wrong. The connection I had with him went so much deeper, in spite of how quickly it had formed.
“Oh you’re still here?”
“Shit!” I exclaimed, spinning around to see my business partner, Jay, standing by the door.
“Sorry.” He chuckled, leaning against the door frame. “Didn’t know you were staying late tonight, too. I’ve been making calls, trying to get things together for the next fetish exhibition at Club Aftermath.”
Jay and I had opened the accounting firm four years ago; we had both landed jobs at another agency right out of college, but there wasn’t much chance to move up the corporate ladder there. In spite of his clean cut appearance, Jay was a regular on the scene, so it had been a big shock the first time I walked into work and saw a familiar face from the club. With his family money and ambition, we had the makings of a business of our own. My friend Dylan was the missing piece to get the office up and running; plus, I owed Dylan a favor after he and his boyfriend let me crash in their extra bedroom for a few years.
“Yeah, uh, I was just getting some paperwork done that I’ve been putting off. The night job has been taking up a lot of time lately.”
“I’ve noticed,” Jay remarked. “Who were you on the phone with?”
“A client,” I replied.
“One of those?” Jay raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t even sound like that. Sounded personal.”
I glanced away and began shuffling papers. The words and numbers on them blurred, but it didn’t matter; it was just a distraction.
“Lily… if you’re in over your head, you know you just have to say the word. I know you’re good at what you do, but if someone is pushing you, testing you—”
“He’s not,” I snapped. “Well, he’s trying to. But he’s just… he’s just lost, I think. Trying to find something to hold onto, you know?”
“And he thinks it’s going to be you,” Jay replied knowingly.
“Maybe. I don’t know if he knows what he wants or needs right now.”
Jay’s stare bored into me; I could feel that familiar stare even though I wasn’t facing him. “Makes it difficult for you to know what to give him, then.”
“It’s not like that,” I replied softly. “At least, I’m trying to keep it from being like that.”
Jay stepped into the office and against my better judgment, I turned to face him. Surprisingly, his face sported a sympathetic look. “You need to figure out where to draw the line, Lily.”
“I know where to draw the line.”
“No, I mean—of course you do,” Jay said, shaking his head. “But I’m not talking about that line, not really. You need to figure out if this is going to stay professional, or if it’s going to become something more. Because your words are saying one thing, but the way you’re saying them… well, it’s saying another. This isn’t fair to you or to him, if you don’t even know where the two of you stand.”
“Yeah, well… it’s all easier said than done, isn’t it?”
Jay shrugged. “Maybe. I didn’t say it would be easy. I just said you need to give it some long, hard thought.”
“Right,” I replied. With a heavy sigh, I added, “Well. Let me know about the exhibition plans, huh? I guess I’ll be putting on another demonstration?”
Jay grinned. “Of course. You’re the best, Lil.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “You say that to all the Dommes, I’m sure.”
Jay laughed. “Well, hey, if you’re going to be here for a while, how about Mazzio’s? I was just about to run out for a large pepperoni.”
“Black olives and feta for me,” I replied, giving him the best smile I could manage.
With a grin and a nod, Jay was gone. I sank down into my desk chair, and thought about what he had said. It certainly was easier said than done, and the truth was, I had no clue what I wanted from Zac.
No, that wasn’t true at all. I knew what I wanted. It was becoming clearer and clearer by the minute. Hadn’t I known from the beginning that he was different? He was broken, in ways so obvious yet so deep that I doubted I would ever uncover all of them. My desire to fix him, to try to put him back together into the wonderful human being I was sure he was capable of being… it wasn’t, couldn’t be, entirely professional.
But how could I? How could I give in to that desire and claim that I was still, as Jay said, the best? How could I look myself in the eye if I let my emotions become tangled up in what I did at work?
The answer, I knew, was to let go of the professional relationship with Zac. I knew that. But could I? I hadn’t dated in so long that I didn’t even remember how, and history would suggest that I had never truly known. I couldn’t be sure that a personal relationship wouldn’t blow up in our faces just as quickly as our professional one was threatening to, and for that reason alone, I knew I had to stay strong.