March 16th, 2006
Taylor smiled at the sleeping girl beside him. They were at the park, enjoying some peace and quiet while Zac prepared their non-surprise surprise party back at home. Tay looked back down at his notebook and scribbled a few more lines.
He’d always hated silence. It gave the thoughts in his head too much room. But ever since he and Zac had began their new life together, silence held a whole new meaning. It was a break from the chaos of raising a baby. Time to reflect on everything they’d been through, both separately, and together. Time to think of the future. The future… that was something Taylor had never considered before, at least not in a positive light. It was something he dreaded, always lurking with untold dangers and catastrophe, usually of his own making.
Taylor shook his head and wrote another few words. He’d started journaling his thoughts, at Zac’s suggestion. It was a healthy way of airing his demons, without giving them too much weight, or having to share them with anyone else. He knew, on some rational level at least, that he would probably be better off talking to someone–a professional, maybe, or even Zac. But he just couldn’t bring himself to do that, not yet. He had to come to terms with his shadows on his own first, without the guilt of burdening anyone else. Maybe in time he’d be able to share, but that was a future he just couldn’t envision.
Cecily made a coo, and he looked over again. She’d be waking up soon, and they’d be heading back to the apartment. He reached down and traced her tiny palm with his fingertip; instinctively, she wrapped her little fingers around his and gave a soft squeeze. Taylor swore he felt it directly on his heart. Having her in his life had changed everything. She was his world now, his purpose, his reason for living. Her, and Zac.
Taylor smiled at the thought of his brother… of his lover. His soulmate, he truly believed now. Two halves of a whole, split down the middle. He was incredibly lucky; most people had to search the world for years to find their missing piece, if they ever did.
“Speak of the devil,” Taylor chuckled as his phone buzzed in his pocket. He dug it out and answered without even looking. “Hey, you.”
“Taylor,” came his mother’s voice, and Taylor bolted upright. “Please don’t hang up.”
“What do you want,” he said after a moment.
“Please, Taylor, it’s been so long. I just wanted to know you’re alright. Did you get our card?”
“I did.” A birthday card had come in the mail a few days prior, along with a check. Tay and Zac had discussed it, deciding to keep the former and tear up the latter. “We don’t need your help. We’re doing just fine.”
“I know you are.” His mother sighed. “We just wanted to… it’s your birthday, after all. And our granddaughter’s as well.”
Taylor sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Why now?”
“We’ve done a lot of thinking. A lot of praying. For all three of you. We only want what’s best for you, I hope you know that. We all said a lot of things, and maybe… maybe some of us went too far.”
“Yeah, I’d say some of us did,” he hissed.
“I’m trying to say we’re sorry. We made a mistake in driving you all away, and we want to make it right. I don’t want my granddaughter growing up without knowing us.”
“Look, I… I have to go, okay? I’ll talk to Zac, see what he says.”
“Thank you, Taylor. Thank you.”
He could hear the waver in her voice, and felt his own chest tighten. Despite everything, she was still his mom, and part of him missed her. But the things she and Dad had said… He couldn’t just forgive them out of hand.
Taylor groaned and laid back on the grass, staring up at the sky. A chilled breeze blew past, and he shivered. That was his life; every time things were starting to look up, and he was somehow managing to hold the darkness back, something would happen to remind him that life is pain, interspersed with brief moments of happiness. Taylor sat up and started writing in his journal again, desperate to expel the poisonous thoughts from his broken mind.
Some time later, Cecily finally woke up. He’d managed to find some semblance of calm again, and when she looked up at him with her baby blues, Taylor felt a wave of peace wash over him. This. This was his life.
Taylor picked her up carefully and carried her back to the car, buckling her into her seat. The drive home was quiet, but comfortably so.
“Honey, we’re home!” Taylor called in a joking tone as he unlocked the front door.
“Surprise!” Zac called, jumping out from behind the door and tossing a handful of confetti his way. Cecily laughed and clapped as Zac handed her a new stuffed bunny, a big pink bow tied around its neck. He let Taylor pass her to him and smiled. “Welcome home,” he said, his cheeks a bit pink as he leaned in for a kiss. Taylor hesitated, and Zac pulled back, his brow furrowed with concern.
“Mom called,” Taylor explained, setting down Cecily’s diaper bag and collapsing onto the couch. Zac sat her in her bouncy walker, then sat next to Taylor and put a hand on his knee. “They want to see us. Mom said she’s sorry, and she doesn’t want Cess to not know them.”
“What do you think?” Zac asked, his eyes narrowing.
“I don’t know.” Taylor sighed, leaning his head back. “Maybe they really are sorry.”
“Yeah, and maybe I’ll take home the gold at the Olympics this summer.”
“She probably should get to meet them, now that she’s old enough to remember.” Taylor stared at their little girl, and felt a pain in his chest. She was so beautiful, so innocent. Taylor prayed every day that she would be healthy and happy and normal, not like him. He felt Zac’s hand on his knee give a gentle squeeze, and looked over.
“I’ll do whatever you want. If you want to go see them, or if you don’t. I don’t know if I can ever forgive them for how they treated you, but… “
“But what about how they treated you?” Taylor turned to face Zac, cupping his cheek. “And what about this, about us? You know they would never accept it.”
“I don’t care. Not about any of it. You’re all I care about, you and Cess.” He stared at Taylor, biting his lip, before pressing his lips to mine. “I love you so much, Tay. And nothing is going to come between us.”
“You don’t know that,” Taylor said, turning away. “I screwed everything up with Nat. What if I…”
“What if nothing. I said nothing, and I mean nothing. Not even you. You’re stuck with me.” He chuckled and glanced at Cecily, then kissed him again. This time Taylor willed himself to relax and enjoy it.
“Whatever you say, Zac.”
“Usually, yeah. But today, it’s whatever you say. You name it. Anything you want, it’s yours.”
“Anything, hmm?” Taylor looked Zac up and down. As much as he loved him for being his center, there was no denying that over the past few months, they’d explored the physical side of their relationship as well. Zac giggled and nodded, licking his lips.
“How about this? We have dinner, then some cake. And after we set Cecily down to bed…” Zac leaned closer and kissed his neck, making him shiver. “You can unwrap your present.” To make his meaning clear, Zac took his hand and moved it to his lap, pressed against the growing bulge in his jeans. Taylor groaned and gripped him lightly, loving the way he squirmed under his touch.
“I love you, Zac.” Taylor ran his other hand through Zac’s hair and looked him in the eye. Their relationship was anything but normal, but then, nothing about Taylor’s life had been normal. But this felt right, in ways nothing else ever had.
“I love you too, Tay. So much.”
“Tay-Tay. Zacky. Lub boo.”
Both of them looked over at Cecily with wide eyes. She smiled back at them, reaching her hands out. Taylor felt a sudden tightness in his chest, his eyes misting. He looked at Zac and saw the same reaction on his features. They both moved to the floor and wrapped their arms around her… around their daughter. Taylor kissed both their heads and closed his eyes. This. This was all the family he needed. This was home.