April 15, 2013
“Spencer, we’re gonna be late!” Shepherd’s words were followed by the distinctive sound of tiny feet skidding on hardwood floor.
“We’re not going to make it there at all if Spencer doesn’t have her coffee!” She shot back, screwing the lid onto her thermos just as Shepherd came flying around the corner, clutching the Lego action figure he had insisted he had to have for show and tell—the action figure that Spencer would not point out was the reason they were, in fact, running late.
Even though it pushed the limits of the custody agreement, promoting a new album often meant that Zac had to leave Spencer and Shepherd alone in Tulsa. She was able to finagle a schedule that didn’t involve early classes, for her own sanity, and it came in handy for being able to drop Shepherd off at school on Monday mornings. If there were ever a Monday when she had to be on campus early for some reason, Shepherd could spend the weekend with one set of aunts and uncles or the other.
For the most part, Zac’s family had been accepting and accommodating of the unorthodox arrangement. The fact that album promo time was a crazy whirlwind anyway probably accounted for a part of their willingness to go with the flow, but Spencer suspected the stalking incident played a role too. As the court case stretched on, she became more and more certain that they all pitied her. If it kept them from condemning her and the fact that she often ended up playing parent to Zac’s soon-to-be-five year old, she couldn’t complain.
She couldn’t dwell on all of that, though. Spencer had learned that the only way to keep from going completely insane was to just do what it took to get through the day, one step at a time. At that moment in time, the next step was getting Shepherd out the door with everything he needed for the day. After that, navigating early morning Tulsa traffic. Spencer was reasonable certain she could handle that.
Minutes later, with only a little road rage displayed, Spencer had pulled into the parking lot of Shepherd’s elementary and was helping him climb out of his car seat. As soon as his feet hit the pavement, he was of again, having spotted River. Spencer rushed to keep up with him, but came to a quick stop when she realized it was Kate, not Natalie, who was escorting the children.
“Now, you guys remember I’m coming to pick you up, too,” Kate said, helping Penny with her backpack, her head down. When she raised back up, she seemed just as startled as Spencer felt. “Oh, Spencer. Nat’s a little under the weather and the nanny picked up the same bug, so I offered to help out today. Why don’t you kids go on in, hmm?”
The last was directed to the gaggle of children who had congregated around the Lego battle Shepherd and River were having. Spencer watched as they walked away, oblivious to the awkwardness of their Auntie Kate and their—as they all seemed to already want to call her—Auntie Spencer standing together.
Although the two of them hadn’t argued again since Halloween, Spencer suspected that was largely because they hadn’t spent any significant amount of time together since then. Zac seemed to be taking pains to insure that the two of them never had to interact, and a part of Spencer appreciated that. The other part of her was the small but vocal part that would never be okay with Zac taking control of her life.
Kate cleared her throat and crossed her arms nervously over her chest. “Look, I… maybe this sounds weird, but I’ve been keeping up with all the court stuff. The stalker stuff. I mean, it doesn’t just affect you—it affects Zac and our son, too, and I just… well, I was glad to hear that it’s all over.”
“Yeah,” Spencer replied, nodding. “Believe me, I’m glad it’s over, too. We got the better end of the plea bargain, but I don’t think she even realizes that. ‘Unable to assist in her own defense’ or whatever. Basically—cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and still convinced she’ll someday be with Zac, maximum security prison be damned.”
“You guys got really lucky,” Kate said. She chewed her bottom lip a bit, seeming to contemplate her next words before finally speaking again. “Are you busy? I know this is weird, but well… I can’t go back to Nat’s and risk catching the plague she’s got, and I don’t have to work until this afternoon, so I was wondering if you’d want to get coffee or something. Just to kill some time.”
Spencer was taken aback. Of all the things Kate might have said to her, inviting her out for coffee was probably the last on Spencer’s list. She could see that Kate was longing for some adult contact, though, with her best friend under the weather. She and Nikki had never been close, as Nikki had pointed out the very first time she met Spencer, and even Natalie had been torn between Kate and Zac after the divorce. With Zac no longer the center of her life, Kate couldn’t have had very many friends in Tulsa, and that was something Spencer could definitely relate to. It was that realization that had her nodding her head and agreeing to meet back up with Kate at a Starbucks just around the corner.
A few minutes later, Spencer was sitting at a small table with Kate and two caramel cappuccinos. Spencer had to laugh, at least to herself, that they had chosen the same drink. Perhaps the two women in Zac’s life weren’t so different after all, if choice of overpriced espresso drink was anything to judge by.
“So,” Spencer said, running her finger along the rim of her cup while she waited for it to cool enough to drink. “Sorry, this is kind of… well, strange. I don’t think we’ve ever said as many words to each other as we have so far today.”
“No, I guess we haven’t. And for a long time, I didn’t think I had anything to say to you. You have to understand that it still stings to know that you… that Zac… well, you know.”
Spencer nodded. “I know, and I will never have sufficient words to apologize for that. It was never, ever my intention to be someone’s mistress or break up a marriage. All of that… all of that happened without my realizing it was or that I was playing some role in it. And when I did realize, I pulled away. I can say that all I want, but I know none of my explanations really matter now.”
“No, I suppose they don’t,” Kate replied softly. “I guess that’s what I’m realizing, though. That none of what happened matters now. It’s all about what we do from here on. How we get through this and figure out how to be who we are now… and how to be happy. It’s a long road, and dwelling on everything that happened… it’s just going to make me bitter. I don’t want to be bitter.”
“Maybe it’s absurd of me to say, given my role in it all, but I just wish we could all move on. Believe me, I know it isn’t easy.”
“It isn’t,” Kate said. “It really isn’t. But what choice do we have? We can’t go back.”
Spencer didn’t want to ask if Kate wanted to go back. She knew, even if neither of them admitted it, Kate and Zac would always love each other in some way. Much like how they couldn’t go back and undo the indiscretion that led to their marriage ending, they couldn’t go back and undo the love they felt. All they could do was move on and try to understand the new roles they all played in each other’s lives.
“Anyway, if I dwelled on things… I’d go crazy. I mean, not like that girl—not that kind of crazy!”
Spencer laughed in spite of herself. “Well, I certainly hope not.”
“I thought I had seen crazy fans, but… compared to what you went through…” Kate trailed off, shaking her head.
“I’m sure you must have seen a lot back when you two were still together,” Spencer said.
Kate shrugged. “I suppose. Of course I knew there were some really intense fans out there. Not to downplay it, because there were death threats that we never really took seriously, but actual attempts on my life? Not so much.”
“Well, you two were together a long time,” Spencer replied. “At the risk of sounding less than sane myself, I think I can sort of see their reasoning. They had time to adjust to the idea of you two being together, time to accept that they didn’t have a chance with him. But when Zac was suddenly single, surely all of his fans were thinking—well, he married one fan, why not another? Why not me? And the crazy ones see this as some sort of sign, some proof that he’s meant to be with them now that he’s not with you. I’m not excusing it, because the leap from being harmlessly delusional to actually… murderous… is a big one. But I can see the basic reasoning, however flawed.”
“I suppose,” Kate replied. “I guess I just don’t see… how you can keep it all together. How you can sit there and just… be okay with it all.”
“Oh, I am anything but okay,” Spencer admitted. “But it is what it is. I don’t like it, but it’s a risk I have to take to stay with him. And maybe it’s not what you want to hear another woman say about your ex, but it’s because I love him that I want to stay, and because he loves me that I’m strong enough.”
Kate nodded softly, her head bowed. She stared into her cappuccino for a moment before speaking again. “I guess I wonder if I would be so strong.”
“Anyone would be, for the person they loved. Until it happened to me, I wouldn’t have been so certain. It’s not the sort of thing everyone has to worry about, you know? The risk of being stabbed goes down significantly when you’re not dating a Hanson, I believe.”
“That it does,” Kate agreed with a chuckle. “And I think you’re right. I do… I did love him. When we were together. For that Zac, for the guy I married, I would have done anything. When we divorced, not being with him was the best thing I could do for either of us. And I still wouldn’t undo any of it—well, perhaps some of it. But you know what I mean.”
Spencer nodded. “Yeah, I do. I know exactly what you mean, believe me.”
“And anyway, out of all of it, I got another little man I’d do anything for,” Kate said. “God, that’s cheesy. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Spencer replied. A slow grin spreading across her face, she added, “That little man is something else, though. More than a little bit like his daddy.”
Kate giggled. “You can say that again. Sometimes he’ll say something or just make a face, and it’s like Zac is right there. It’s really freaky.”
“Oh, and when the two of them are together? Sitting on the couch, zoned out on some video game, and both of their tongues sticking out.” Spencer laughed at the mental picture, one which she had seen in person dozens of times.
“They’re twins, I swear!” Kate replied. “If I hadn’t carried the child around for nine months, I’d wonder if any of my DNA was in there at all or if he was just all Zac.”
Spencer laughed so hard she nearly spilled the drink she had started to lift to her lips. “Does he do the socks thing at your house, too? I swear, we don’t have hardwood floors. We have a carpet of dirty socks, in two sizes.”
“He does, and I always used to nag Zac for it!” Kate shook her head. “I guess we’ll never break either one of them of that habit.”
“I guess not,” Spencer replied. A little more seriously, she added, “But I’m glad that… well, that you’ve been okay with me being a part of Shepherd’s life. I know it’s weird and unorthodox, but what about our lives isn’t, really?”
“You’re right,” Kate replied, chuckling. “I couldn’t have said it better myself. You’re not so bad, Spencer.”
“You’re not so bad, either, Kate,” Spencer said, lifting her now lukewarm cappuccino in a toast.
They “clinked” their glasses together, still laughing softly. It was odd, to be sure, but Spencer had accepted that her life now would always be odd. It came with the territory—being Zac Hanson’s girlfriend, and now, building a friendship with his ex-wife.