May 9, 2009
Kate was gone, and Zac had no illusions that it wasn’t his fault this time. He had been completely unable to lie to her; he never could. When she saw his indiscretion written all over his body, he couldn’t have formulated a believable lie even if he had wanted to.
He hadn’t had the nerve to ask Spencer to see him again, though. Truthfully, he didn’t know if she would, and somehow that hurt worse than Kate’s departure. With Kate, things had always been fairly predictable. He made her angry, and she left. She cooled down, and she came back. He counted on that. With Spencer, nothing was certain. He knew precious little about her nature. Every time he saw her, he found himself metaphorically holding his breath for the next time, never sure that it would really come.
And so he hadn’t called or texted her, but he had thought about her–constantly.
Thinking about Spencer seemed to be the only thing he had the motivation to do. When his brothers nagged him enough, he would go through the motions of recording, but he heard her name in every lyric and every chord. When his presence wasn’t required, he retreated back into his shell, choosing to mope around in the guest house with nothing but takeout food and alcohol for company.
One morning, his moping was interrupted by a swift knock at the door. It was insistent, but too light to be one of his brothers’ heavy hands, and that realization was the only reason Zac found the energy to pull himself from bed and see just who it was who thought it was necessary for him to join the waking world before noon.
With a groan, Zac pulled himself out of bed and padded to the door. He shielded his eyes with one hand while the other flung open the door to reveal Natalie looking only slightly more cheerful than he felt.
“Wake up, sleepyhead,” she said. “I need an extra set of hands today.”
Zac rubbed at his eyes, trying to think of some reason why it was his hands his wife’s best friend would require. Then he remembered that Isaac and Nikki had taken the kids to Florida for a few days to see their grandparents, and Taylor was off doing some sort of photoshoot all on his own. That left Natalie alone with four kids and a worthless brother-in-law. No wonder she looked so beaten down, Zac thought.
“What do you need?” He finally asked.
“It seems we’re going to the park. The eldest has taken a vote, and while I’m not sure that Viggo really understands the concept of a vote just yet, I’ve been informed that it is unanimous, and they all want to go to the park. So, who am I to argue?”
“Who indeed?” Zac replied, chuckling a little in spite of himself. He and Kate had their hands full with their newborn; he really didn’t understand how Natalie managed to make raising four miniature Taylors seem (mostly) effortless.
With a trip to the park a foregone conclusion, Zac had no choice but to take a shower and dress himself in some clothing that passed for clean. He even managed to pull his hair back into a ponytail, although drying it first was a step too far. It was funny how even the little details of day to day life seemed to elude him when he felt so miserable. By the time they were all packed up and ready to leave the house–two kids in strollers, one carrying the diaper bag and a fourth strapped to Zac’s chest–he was ready to go back to sleep.
The fancy subdivision they were staying in had its own park only a short walk away, but it still felt like miles and miles to Zac. Once they arrived, Ezra was quick to run off on his own, while Natalie strapped River into a swing and let Penny amuse herself in the small sandbox nearby. Zac collapsed onto a more adult sized swing, with Viggo still attached. He was a little too small to swing by himself, Zac decided, but he seemed to enjoy what little swaying Zac did.
“Alright, I know why I’m in a bad mood today. What’s your excuse?” Natalie asked.
Zac just gave her a pointed look.
“Okay, stupid question,” she replied, giggling nervously. “Look, I only know what Kate told me, and I just… I find it kind of hard to believe. Surely she’s overreacting. It wouldn’t be the first time.”
“What did she tell you?” Zac asked, although he was almost afraid of the answer.
“Well, that… that you were unfaithful,” Natalie said softly, like the last word were a curse.
Zac hung his head, a piece of hair falling from his ponytail and obscuring Natalie’s reaction from his sight. He was somewhat thankful for that, as he knew that his lack of response was enough for her to guess that what Kate had told her was correct.
“Oh, Zac…” Natalie sighed. “Why? I know, that’s a stupid question, but trust me, when I say it’s what every woman asks, even though we know there’s never a good answer.”
Zac shuffled his feet around in the woodchips for a moment, considering Natalie’s words. In spite of any time Kate might have overreacted before, he hadn’t ever cheated, something he knew that Taylor couldn’t say. He didn’t understand how Natalie could forgive his brother time and time again, or how she could speak to him right then with anything but contempt in her voice.
“I don’t have an answer,” he finally said. “I could say I was drunk, which would be true for the first time we… well, no. That’s not true. I mean, I wasn’t drunk when I met her or when I kissed her. I had plenty of time to stop things before they got out of hand, but I just didn’t. And I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to.”
Natalie was totally silent, and Zac took this as permission to continue. Somehow, she seemed less judgmental than his brothers, and that made him want to spill his guts. Everyone else made him feel so defensive, when he really just wanted someone to listen.
“It just felt like everything was spiraling out of control, you know? And there was one thing I could control. One thing I could do just because I wanted to, not because it was the right thing, because god knows it wasn’t. So… I did it. I’m not trying to excuse it or sugarcoat it, because I know Kate didn’t deserve it. I fucked up, and I know that, but…”
He wasn’t entirely sure how to finish that sentence. He risked a look at Natalie to gauge her reaction, and was surprised to see sympathy. She understood. Somehow, she understood.
What Zac didn’t say, what he couldn’t say, was that he didn’t care that it was wrong. He wanted to care. He tried to care. It wasn’t as though he didn’t feel any guilt at all, but that was only when he was away from Spencer. When he was with her, he could see no reason to feel ashamed at all. Everything about her put him at ease and made him forget everything else in the world.
“Zac?” Natalie said softly. “You’re off in la-la land again.”
“Sorry,” he replied, pushing off and swinging Viggo a little higher. “I guess I was just thinking.”
“About her?” Natalie offered. “Your… other woman, I mean.”
Zac had to resist the urge to roll his eyes at how Natalie made it sound. Instead, he nodded honestly. “Yeah, I was just… I don’t know. She’s just so different, you know?”
It was such a cheesy thing to say, and Zac hated himself for it. What did that really mean? It didn’t reveal anything about Spencer or how he felt about her, and it certainly didn’t help explain to Natalie just why Zac would choose to cheat on his wife with her.
“Do you—nevermind, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know,” Natalie said.
“I don’t even know her middle name,” Zac replied. “I don’t know anything about her, really. I know Kate inside and out—no, that isn’t true, either. I used to know her inside and out. I know who she used to be, or who I thought she was. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.”
Natalie gave Zac a serious stare. “You need to figure out which of those is true. If you’ve let things go stale with Kate and now you’re looking for a thrill somewhere else, I don’t have any sympathy for you. But if you’re realizing that the two of you just aren’t who you thought you were… well, that’s something else entirely, but it’s still something you probably should have figured out together.”
“Yeah,” Zac replied, nodding. “I know. I know I fucked up—I can say it until I’m blue in the face, but it doesn’t change anything. But I think… hell, I don’t know which of those is true. How do you and Taylor do it?”
“Half the time, I’m not sure myself. We learn something new about each other every day we’re still together, and they aren’t always good things. But we learn. And we keep going. Because ultimately, who else would put up with us?” She chuckled a little as she asked that, and Zac cracked a tiny smile.
“But seriously,” Zac replied. “How do you do it? How do you know you want to do it?”
“If you don’t know it’s what you want, I think you’ve already answered that question,” Natalie replied softly. A little louder, she added, “Now, I think what we all need is some ice cream. Who agrees?”
She was met with a chorus of shouts from all of her children; even Viggo managed to contribute an excited gurgle. With that decision made, Zac helped Natalie gather up the children and their scattered toys, shoes and other belongings.
As they paraded down the street, Zac thought about what Nat had said. He realized that she was right. Even though he kept doubting it, he was growing closer and closer to certainty. If he didn’t know without a doubt that he wanted to be with Kate, then maybe he shouldn’t be with her. Likewise, if he couldn’t get Spencer out of his mind, maybe she was more than just “the other woman.”
Maybe he loved her.
The word surprised him. He truly hadn’t thought it in connection with her before, but the longer he turned it over in his mind, the more he realized that it was the only word that could possibly fit the way he felt so right and so wrong and so alive every time he was near her. It was a feeling he hadn’t felt for perhaps years… and a feeling he feared Spencer would never return.