Pain
Zac couldn’t even manage to speak.
For years, he had imagined what it would be like to see Taylor again. He had wondered if he would recognize his brother. He did. Taylor was perhaps a bit thinner, if that was possible, but otherwise he looked the same as Zac remembered, just older. But every bit as dejected as he’d looked when their parents disowned him. It was that realization that finally set Zac’s feet in motion, carrying him across the short mezzanine to his brother.
He stopped just a foot short of Taylor and stared again. That close, Zac could see the silvery tracks of tears trailing down his face.
“T-Taylor?” Zac finally gasped out.
His brother just nodded.
There were so many questions Zac wanted to ask, but right then, he couldn’t get any of the words to form. Instead, he just stepped to one side of Taylor and unlocked the door. He hopped his brother would take that as an invitation, and he seemed to. Zac spun back around once they were both inside and stared at Taylor, waiting for some sort of explanation.
“I, umm, I got kicked out of my apartment,” Taylor finally said. “I guess that’s kind of my thing. Getting kicked out. I just… didn’t know where else to go.”
A thought occurred to Zac. “Is that your car in the parking lot? With all the stuff?”
“Yeah.” Taylor nodded. “I had to ditch most of my furniture. Gave some away, sold some… left the rest by the curb. My landlord, he… well, I knew he never liked me. Kept saying I was being too loud and the neighbors were complaining, which was total bullshit. And after Devin—my ex—moved out, I was late on rent a few times. Then he says he never got last month’s and I have to go. I know I mailed it, and I thought surely it would turn up, but—well, anyway. Yeah. That’s my stuff. Everything I’ve got to my name.”
Zac’s mind was turning a million miles a minute, trying to sort through everything Taylor was saying and make sense of it all. He glanced at the kitchen, then back at Taylor. “Well, umm, I’ve got some beers. Help yourself to a drink. You’re lucky I moved into this apartment; it’s older so it’s cheaper even though it has an extra bedroom. Our old one didn’t. I’ll carry your stuff up if you wanna just relax and get settled in a bit.”
Taylor nodded, then fished his keys out of his pocket and tossed them to Zac. Without another word, Zac headed back out of the apartment. Something about the entire situation didn’t make sense, but for the moment, he was just glad to have his brother back. Even with the extra bedroom, it would be cramped, but Zac figured that was a small price to pay if he could begin to make up for the last eight years without Taylor.
He piled his arms down with several of Taylor’s bags and hurried back up the stairs as quickly as possible, taking them two at a time even with his arms loaded down. The apartment door stood an inch or so open, and Zac toed it the rest of the way open. A quick glance into the kitchen showed Taylor making himself at home with what looked like a cup of tea. Zac didn’t even know he had tea.
“Give me a second to set these down,” Zac called out, “and then I can set up the air mattress for you. It’s the best I’ve got for now. I’ll sleep on it; you can take my bed.”
“No, no,” Taylor replied, setting his tea down and rushing forward to grab one bag that threatened to fall from Zac’s arms. “I couldn’t do that. I know I’m putting you out enough as it is. An air mattress is fine.”
Zac carried the bags into what he supposed was now Taylor’s room and sat them down. Taylor took his keys and went to fetch the rest while Zac began digging through the closet for an air mattress he’d bought before a camping trip with Shaun and Drew.
As he unfolded and inflated it, he marveled at how his night had gone. First the date with Melissa, then Taylor turning up out of the blue. It seemed Taylor had been living in Austin for a while, and he’d had no clue. Had Taylor been here all along? And known Zac was here, too? He wondered why Taylor hadn’t come to him before, or how he had even found him at all. It didn’t quite make sense. He heard Taylor’s loud footsteps and clumsy thumps against the walls and decided he would have to ask him. Those were just the beginning of the questions he had for his brother.
“I’m almost done,” Zac said when a large foot nudged the door open.
“Oh!” Taylor cried out, one armful of luggage falling to the floor and scattering around. “I didn’t realize you were in here.”
Zac dropped the air mattress and fell to the floor to help Taylor pick up what had fallen.
Taylor shoved him away. “No! I mean, I’ve got it.”
“It’s fine,” Zac said, picking up a small bag. “I don’t mind helping. With anything.”
“I said I’ve got it.” Taylor grabbed the bag harshly from Zac’s hands, sending its contents skittering to the floor. An assortment of powders, brushes and lipstick tubes littered the carpet.
Zac’s brow furrowed as he looked up at Taylor for some sort of explanation. Taylor didn’t speak, but the explanation was written all over his face. Zac didn’t know how he hadn’t realized it sooner. Of course he had recognized Taylor right away; this wasn’t the first time they’d seen each other recently.
Jordan.
He had definitely been shitfaced if he hadn’t realized the tall blonde with his brother’s first name was his brother.
He was going to be sick.
Zac shot up to his feet and climbed over Taylor, ignoring his brother’s cries. He dashed into the bathroom across the hall and locked the door behind him. With it securely shut, Zac fell to the floor, his ass hitting the tile with a harsh thump. How hadn’t he seen it? This was the reason Jordan refused to see him again.
He didn’t know how long he sat there in the floor, not crying or puking his guts out, surprisingly. Just staring at the shower wall. The door gave a small jolt and he realized Taylor must be on the other side.
“Zac,” he said weakly. “Please. Don’t do this.”
“You knew.”
“What?” Taylor asked.
“You knew. You knew it was me. Didn’t you? That was why—that was why you said I couldn’t see you again.”
Taylor was silent for a long time before nearly whispering. “Not at first, no. God, you’ve changed so much Zac. And I didn’t even know you lived in Austin. How could I have known it was you? How could I have… god, do you think this is any easier for me than it is for you?”
“I don’t know,” Zac spat out. “I don’t know what it’s like for you, and if you hadn’t been kicked out of your apartment, I guess I never would have.”
“I thought it was the right thing to do. I was trying to protect—“
“I don’t care what you were trying to do!”
A muffled sniffle came from the other side of the door. A twinge of pain shot through Zac’s chest, and he hated himself. He wasn’t sure what he felt guiltier for—snapping at Taylor or feeling sympathy for him.
Finally, Zac sighed. “I’m not going to make you leave. Not tonight. I can’t just… I can’t make you sleep in your car. But after tonight, I don’t know. I don’t know if I can think about this enough to become okay with it. I don’t know if I can think about it at all. But just… for right now, just leave me alone.”
“Okay,” Taylor replied weakly.
Zac listened to the sound of his retreating footsteps. He wasn’t sure where Taylor had gone, but he wasn’t by the door anymore. Once Zac was sure of that, he allowed himself to cry.
After eight years… after wondering… after nearly accepting that he would never see his brother again… this was their reunion.
It wasn’t fucking fair.
For the first time since the breakup with Carly, Zac had felt something. Something good. There was another human being in the world capable of stirring up emotions in him. Then he was told—for no reason that he could—that he couldn’t have that person. And now, to find it had been his brother all along?
The worst part, Zac decided, was that he stilled wanted him. Not Taylor. Not his brother. But the person he had thought Jordan was. Sweet, mysterious Jordan. A person who didn’t really exist at all.
For a moment, Zac thought he was going to be sick. He rested his head on the back of the bathroom door and willed the feeling to pass. He didn’t remember falling asleep, but what felt like only seconds later, he awoke with a sudden jolt. The bathroom lights hurt his eyes and it took a moment for the fog in his brain to dissipate so that he could remember why he had fallen asleep sitting in his bathroom floor.
Then he remembered. Taylor.
Zac strained to listen for any sound that might tell him that Taylor was still in the apartment, but it was silent except for muffled country music coming from the apartment next door. Maybe Taylor had left, Zac thought. He wasn’t sure he liked that idea; in spite of what Taylor had done, what he wasn’t even sure he could forgive him for, he didn’t want his brother to be homeless.
Slowly, because his body had become stiff from sitting there so long, Zac pulled himself to his feet and cautiously opened the bathroom door. A quick glance across the hallway revealed that the extra bedroom was empty. At least, there wasn’t a person in it. All of Taylor’s belongings were still strewn around the half-inflated air mattress.
So where was Taylor?
Zac walked toward the kitchen, deciding that another beer wouldn’t hurt. It was doubtful that he would fall asleep again, anyway, in the mental state he was in. As he crossed through the living room, a slight movement from the couch caught his eye.
It was Taylor, curled up into an impossibly small ball on the couch. He hadn’t even bothered to take his clothes off, and there were fresh tears making streaks next to the dried ones from earlier.
It only made Zac feel worse to see Taylor like that, but still nothing about the situation made sense. How could Taylor do that to him? How could he not have known it was his own brother? How could his delicate, sensitive brother hurt him like that? A part of Zac wanted to scream at him, but seeing him lying there, looking so defeated, stopped him. And that only made Zac angrier. He couldn’t hate Taylor. It wasn’t possible, no matter how much he wanted to right then.
Tired and defeated, Zac decided to forego the beer, and padded back down the hallway to his bedroom. Maybe some of this would make sense in the morning. He doubted it. He could only hope to wake up and discover it had all been a horrible nightmare. In the morning, Zac would wake up eight years in the past, in a world where his parents hadn’t ruined everything by kicking Taylor out for something he couldn’t help. He would wake up never having lost his brother, never having to know that pain or the pain of finding him again.